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#but still 2023 felt like magic i didn’t deserve and yet i basked in it
myfirstandlast
·
4 months
Text
going through answered asks from when i was 18 wanting to hold myself so tightly
#i’ve never cared for the whole i wish i could see my younger self thing
#because from where i was standing it was always still bad so thought why would i want to see them now
#things are going to become very hard again very soon but last year was the best year of my entire life
#i did something terrifying and then i claimed my life as my own
#and a year later i have a car! and im driving! you can’t understand how impossible of a thought this was to me before
#i live on my own and i’ve decorated my body and my bedroom and i can buy things i never thought id be able to own
#i miss connecting with others my dash is a total wasteland now but i just
#seriously cannot believe where i am right now. even though some things are still so screwed up and more screwed things are on the way
#and i’m terrified of course. january is the perfect month to feel like ending it all. too much unknown
#but still 2023 felt like magic i didn’t deserve and yet i basked in it
#i’m not incredibly successful i’m not very interesting but im still so proud of myself somehow. even though i hate myself
#it’s not as much as i used to. i appreciate myself more now and i can see how i needed me to get here. and im grateful for me
#and for everything i have. i’m just speechless i can’t believe the life i currently have
#i’m waiting to enter the era of travelling and intimate get together those areas are still slow coming
#but if i could do this i can only hope and hope and squeeze my eyes tight to make them appear someday
#i miss so many things but i don’t miss the old me. she sucked but she also cared and she’s still here in fragments
#it’s strange to write this way i’ve never felt this sort of compassion before i was so so deeply depressed
#it was inescapable and for good reason i don’t know how i made it through anything i’ve endured
#i have to thank myself for always being too scared to die
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