#but she also scolded me once (and btw i was like 15) bc idk i was acting. like a perv? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-acid-pear · 9 months

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It's not easy to be a guy with a weird gender and complicated relationships with its sexuality and romantic attraction and fat and autistic and traumatized to the bone but someone has to do it

#luly talks #i tried to rb a post but i hit post limit and i lost it LMAO but i find it interesting how my things overlap #bc as some of you might know i grew up as a fat little girl and you know the world fucking hates us #and on top of that autistic although i had the most neurodivergent ppl along w me #i still wasn't like my other friends tho i always was slightly more lonely slightly more disconnected #they were in on things i didn't seem to be in the social spectrum and i never understood that #and one of those things was indeed romance and dating and in my teen years sex too #like by default i was seen as undesirable. just by virtue of being fat and also kinda androgynous #and the autism just. kept me far away from any social circle or interaction that'd bring me closer to an encounter of any kind #and i always yearned lord knows i still dream of Ana but the thing is i...#i just. love romance in paper #i love the idea of romance. i love the yearning i love the feeling #i know the feeling bc i know euphoria! i know the euphoria that comes from love.#but to me that's a very short lived feeling specially when engaging directly with it #i think its part of a matter of being taught what romantic attraction is and how they paint it #it's similar to how you are taught X and Y is hot even before you understand why #like i remember my mother always joking w me about male mannequins' cocks and like sure i played along #bc i thought it was funny and if the adult i seeked approval from did it then i absolutely should too #but she also scolded me once (and btw i was like 15) bc idk i was acting. like a perv?#and it's so bizarre in retrospective bc it might have been before the age of 15 bc i really didn't care about such matters then #I've always been amaizing at masking i love understanding people and why they do what they do and replicating them #so me being positive to sex and romance is to be expected #but at the same time its weird bc i cannot bring myself to hating it but i also just. dont fucking feel it #but at least w sex comes the horror of having a body too like there's a lot man #but my point is that its funny how despite being seen as undesirable for society i was unaffected bc i was oblivious to it

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