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#but mostly. The biggest issue is i think of my exbest friend bc it was our week always even if they treated me horrible
melto
·
2 months
Text
my birthday week is like a fight for my fucking life.
#like i dont like my birthday bc i dont like attention and also bc the fact i am still alive when i never planned to be is so heavy
#which makes it feel like all of a sudden i have a timer and i need to kiilllmyself
#but mostly. The biggest issue is i think of my exbest friend bc it was our week always even if they treated me horrible
#and i would just go along with whatever they wanted even if i hated it and i just think about them think about them think about them
#and i dont want them in my life but i will talk myself into missing them
#and feel guilty like its my fault like i deserved everything they did to me like i should never be allowed to move past it
#and then i get so embarassed over how i let them rule my life and ruin so much for me and made me break away from people i care about
#but then its like im so lonely at least they were always there even if they hated me
#even if they wanted me to be so miserable even if they just wanted to know they would always have someone to push around
#And i still have trouble when it comes to food im still scared of opening up to people im still scared of my friends of buying new clothes
#somehow everything they said to and about me was true even though none of it is and it hurt me and ruined so much
#but i must have deserved it. they were supposed to know me best. and i never have known myself
#so everything they had said about me has been true for so long.
#every time i have the thought that i miss them i think i need to crash my car
#every year it gets better every week it is easier but its been so bad recently its been so bad i feel like pieces of me are falling apart
#i dont want to manifest this year it being bad bc its just starting to get easier after my total depressive state but god
#im looking at are they made for me years ago and i want to rip it apart but i cant every time i try i almost throw up.
#i think im going to throw up right now.
#deeply pathetic.
#news with isaac
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