trying to find weird ass fics that i read yearssss ago i mean yearsssssssssss ago that are for fandoms i dont give a fuck about anymore but were such niche AUs that they nonetheless rewired my brain. and finding out that at least one of them has been like, hidden off ao3? im crying my damn eyes out

hi

under the cut i want to talk a little bit, maybe overshare as well. ill try to keep it short (rereading nat here. i didnt). its a sad post, might make some of you angry but not for the reasons you think

i was staying away on purpose, but a few people asked about me so i wanted to let you know that hey, im lurking, im waiting to see what happens. maybe some things will change in the future but im putting it out here so its all in one place

i think i want to start with saying thank you again for sticking around, supporting my art and my thoughts and having discussions with me. i really opened up about myself and what I created here. im very anxious person and it influences my life on every level, so being heard, seeing people laughing at my jokes, loving my art has been so so important to me

about the situation, the gogcident if you will, i logged out as soon as i saw things going down and been getting updates though different source. and while situation is still on going and i dont know where it will go, as how it ends, theres two or three things im firm on that will always be true for me:

i really hate how believe all victims turns into believe everyone who speaks first, no matter what they say, no matter context, no matter proof. the first statement made in this case was untrue in a lot of important details and while i dont think caitis feeling are wrong or invalid i think her first statement made this situation into something it isnt. i think every victim should be heard but attacking everyone who was accused right away is not a solution

i do believe that everyone who was accused of anything has every right to defend themselves. the way its constantly taken away from dteam is not lost on me and its insane and upsetting

you can be traumatized by the events that werent in its core meant to be traumatizing. sometimes people act shitty and leave scars on you and sometimes you can do the same to other people

edited note bc i want this to be here as well: guilty until proven innocent is a crazy mindset and i cannot imagine situation that i would allow it. some idiots dont even realise how dangerous rhetoric that is. including accusers not being obligated to provide any proof of their claims

twt is the worst thing to deal with any discourse, misunderstanding or any delicate situation. i think no ones there cares for any victims period. i wish that place the worst

okay so what now. i havent decided yet. georges and dreams moves so far confirmed for me that no matter what happened it wasnt with malicious intentions. ill wait to see how this plays out and then ill decide about my next steps. one think i did for sure is i uninstalled twt from my phone (and that already bit my ass the moment dream started his space…) that part of fandom, both people who like (liked?) and hate dream is so damn self-destructive, toxic, manipulative and performative it wasnt worth it anymore. for here, i dont know yet. i dont hate dteam, i think this is very unfortunate and sad and complicated situation that left people very deeply hurt. and i wish it wasnt this way and im pretty sure dteam also wish that. but they cant change it and i cant change it even more

now this is something i dont really know how to tell you but let me try. i never mentioned this bc when i had those realizations, it was too late, everyone moved on and i felt stupid for dwelling on this. i feel stupid now, typing this. the thing is, drituation left me quite traumatized. fucking pathetic, i know. the sudden explosion of fandom left me really badly hurt. i lost a lot of people i genuinely believed to be friends with, and i miss them dearly. i felt, fuck it, still feel deeply betrayed by some of them. i dont want people guess who is who thats not the point, those people moved on long time ago. but that hurt has been really difficult to deal with, especially since realistically i know its quite stupid. crying over some people who were following me back for a few months? but i tried to let myself heal and grow love for this community again and i thought we will be okay. drituation felt like the end of the world but we got through it and I thought we are smarter. and well. im not trying to blame anyone or even a whole community, idk maybe i want to blame the universe for putting me here or society for working this way i dont know. but im hurting and i need to find a better way to deal with things going the wrong way. and it deeply upsets me but im afraid that i have to learn how to love you all less. and i honestly dont know yet what that means, how moving forward will look like. i dont have to make this decision now so i let myself stay away from social media for a while still and then go with presented situation the best i can. i dont try to make anyone responsible for my wellbeing i want to make this clear. im just trying to share my feelings and give you context for whatever happen in the nearest future. no matter what i need more healthy relationship not even with ccs but with community itself (and if you see me rebloging hazbin hotel fanarts. spare me...)

in this place i do want to state that no matter what i dont think dteam are bad people. im not closing myself at possibility of participating in the fandom, probably less though things i mentioned earlier. but if any of those things make you uncomfortable in any way, feel free to unfollow/softblock

im leaving my askbox open if anyone has anything to say, add, or idk, scream at me. not sure if i answer any tho. also if i delete this post in the next 10 minutes out of embarrassment then well, haha

on the final note i want once again thank you all for supporting me when i needed help for my cat. you all did something amazing, something i will never forget and i wish to hug everyone of you in person. thank you

see you around. one day. maybe tomorrow maybe in 10 days. idk

and if you are moving on in different direction, if we ever meet again, dont be a stranger

Log of the Multiverse: Error (Page 1)

Prefacing this by saying, if you see him, you're probably dead. so this entry doesn't really help with increasing your survivability against him.

I've seen him in person once—or at least i heard him once. It was when Dream portaled over to me to retreat from a fight.

he kinda let out some kind of scream out of anger?? it sounded like a distorted fax printer. I didn't realize the sound was even coming from a person (can error even classify a person?) the portal closed before i could get a good look at him (also before he could, y'know, enter the portal...)

Anyway. everyone knows about error so this entry's kinda useless i think. (but really there's only one copy of this thing so really this whole thing is kinda. just for me) im using the word "really" too often. does that matter? im the only one reading it.

yes it does matter because when i read back on this it'll bother the hell out of me. hello future me rereading this, yes i still go on tangents and write at ungodly times

error. the guy who destroys aus. it's his thing. for some reason idk we all have our quirks

he has a way of doing it too it's pretty organized actually (for the most part). he targets the human first and just kinda yoinks their soul and brings it to the antivoid so that the world cant be reset. and then he goes ham. (actually it's not that organized)

i asked ink if there's a pattern with which aus he destroys, which was a pointless question because ink's memory is worse than my ability to keep my train of thought. BUT he did tell me that he hasn't destroyed a single underswap au ever since i joined the team. odd way of wording it, makes it seem like i was the causation for that but obviously im not. maybe probably definitely.

makes me wonder what did cause error to stop attacking underswap aus...

oh. he also doesn't attack outertale aus, ink told me that too. but that's cus he finds the depths of space to be pretty (the charms of space remain unmatched, even for universe destroyers.)

i doubt he stopped attacking underswap aus because he found the environment pretty. who knows. thats something to look out for.

it would be much easier to find out if i could transverse aus by myself...

note to self: find a way to transverse aus without using ink as a personal taxi