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heretherebedork · 3 years

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I am here to hurt myself by watching WBL2. I know it ends in a reward but the beginning is nothing but agony and why I haven't watched it before. I am already in pain just from watching any tiny amount of pain of these boys.

lol I am literally refering to this as my day of atonement.

... I did make a very nice Rosh Hashanah post but that doesn't make me particularly religious, tbh. Cultural Judaism, yo.

Also, pain. Hi pain.

Ugh, I avoided this pain for so long. Now I'm here for it. One post. I'm only making this one post. @absolutebl I'm doing it! I know how much you love this, though.

Oh, fuck it, if I'm trying to limit all my rambling to one post I might as well read more it. I ramble so much.

Ep 1:

Oh look pain. Pain. And more pain. Yup. Yup. I hate this kind of plot even if I know it resolves well. At least it's not cheating but STILL hi dying. Shu Yi is a darling boy who deserved better than five years of nothing for any reason and Gao Shi De should have been better than that. Even knowing it ends well doesn't make this easier. dgkldf GODDAMN IT SELF. Just watch the show and stop being a baby about emotional pain.

Awww, the matching ties! I've seen that post a dozen times and love it every time and it's good to see.

The fucking way Gao Shi De just tries to walk back into his life without a second word or hesitation or thought makes me SO DAMN TWITCHY. Poor Shu Yi. Also, Gao Shi De deserves every punch and slap and uuughhh this show was designed to hurt me. I HATE relationships falling apart. Absolutely my least favorite trope/plot point of practically all time.I hate it I hate iiiit I hate it so muuuuuch.

I mean, damn, the acting here is amazing beyond words, obviously. But that just makes it hurt more. Especially Shu Yi's pain that he's put behind so much anger and work just to keep himself functional and it's damn gorgeous DAMNit.

Ep 2:

Darling Shu Yi deserved so much better. Even though Gao Shi De wasn't cheating on him, he deserved better than the silence and disappearance and he deserves the goddamn world. Ugh literally like a minute into the episode and already there is so much pain. I know they end up happy but I almost want to just tell Shu Yi to tell Gao Shi De to fuck off forever.

Nope, Gao Shi De, you deserve the pain. Shu Yi does't, you do, your upset doesn't get me upset. Shu Yi's pain is the only one I regret in this show. But, seriously, doing all this in front of the whole company is such a bastard move in his part honestly. Poor Shu Yi, seriously.

I do love my tiny obviously favorite character, though, and his tiny inability to sit and his tiny double hands for everything and I adore him beyond measure.

Ugh, Shu Yi choosing to fake the return of trust and friendship and love and I am proud of him for doing that and no, I don't care, Gao Shi De deserves it. I mean, it's not a good or healthy choice but, you know what, I'm okay with that.

But seriously. Poor Shu Yi. Has to deal with being ghosted and then Gao Shi De's return and then an extremely drunk ex crying on him when he's just trying to go to work... at midnight, okay, maybe not healthy either.

Ep 3:

Oh, Gao Shi De. You're an idiot. I mean that... only with a tiny bit of affection and mostly with me rolling my eyes. Making a promise to his dad wasn't bright of you. I mean, seriously, 5 years without contacting him, telling him what happened and on the condition that Shu Yi doesn't try to move on in five years of being completely ghosted. That's just dumb to an astonishingly level of dumb.

Ugh, poor Shu Yi. Your dad and your ex are both idiots and they deserve to get away from you just like you want. Seriously. You poor young man. You deserved so much better from the people you love.

But seriously fuck Gao Shi De and Shu Yi's dad. You're both idiots who don't deserve him. Especially his dad. But also especially Gao Shi De. Seriously. This is why we talk to people, damnit. Poor Shu Yi.

Why, yes, that's my main take away from this show. Shu Yi deserved so much better. Gao Shi De's need to constantly solve everything by himself is the biggest problem in the show, oy vey.

OF COURSE he wants to go back to that time. He was loved and loved and trusted you and happy and comfortable and who wouldn't want to go back to that?

Yu Zhen Xuan is my darling, obviously, and Pei Shou Yi's wanting to take care of him but also to stay away from him for his own sake. Oh, boys.

Ep 4:

I know they get better at some point. I really do. Shu Yi is still breaking my heart, though. I just want to see the poor darling smile and not in a flashback.

Oh, Shu Yi. You deserve the world, seriously. I mean, I'm glad you've managed to come back around to trying to believe in Gao Shi De. I really am. But man he doesn't deserve it. But also ugh, this embrace, utterly fantastic. Darling Shu Yi is finally smiling!

And poor Yu Zhen Xuan trying to ask about Pei Shou Yi so deseperately and being denied everything... ugh, I love him so much. But mostly just Yu Zhen Xuan wanting that connection so badly but always, again and again, denied and I just want to comfort him so badly. Yes, he's coming to you but, I mean, what is friendship but going to other people for comfort? Awww, the two ramens. The BABY.

But also darling Shu Yi is finally smiling and Gao Shi De does bring him comfort and love and they're genuinely good to and for each other, at least, once they're together. Now they just need to actually talk to each other about what happened.

The simultaneous "DAD" was gorgeous. Okay, that was really good.

Ep 5:

Ah, my long awaited darling boy's backstory that I know and love. The tiny panic and fear and the way he jumps and fights back at the tiniest thing... I love this feral teenager SO MUCH and then he grows up into a CTO for a major company and it's even better.

Plus, Pei Shou Yi looking for him after telling him not to come back because the mug got returned? Ugh, heartbreaking but in like a sad, small kind of way.

And the darling CEOs teasing each other in front of their employees while also in suits and being uplifting and good at supporting them? A+ how does one go about getting bosses like that? Also, how Shu Yi looks at Gao Shi De when he's being a good boss? Also A+.

Okay, yes, they're adorable and tiny and the piggyback ride while also in suits and looking fine is simple the best of the best and Gao Shi De taking care of Shu Yi while also confronting his father is frankly amazing. Oh, darling boys.

Gao Shi De, he already admitted that he did this entirely to trick you and Shu Yi is perfectly willing to take a stand against his father. Stop trying to win him over. Let Shu Yi handle his family. His dad's an idiot and he's not gonna listen to you.

Ep 6:

More backstory for my darling feral teenager and the doctor who took care of him at his lowest. I love them both so much. I wish they'd gotten more of a story but I'm not entirely sure I want a third season about them either.

Portable boyfriend! Well! Portable boy... friend...

Also, Shu Yi and Gao Shi De, you have no right to talk about them not communicating, seriously boys, love you to death but seriously communication... actually, honestly, Shu Yi is great at communication. He can criticize them. Gao Shi De has no right.

Pei Shou Yi, seriously, you say these things about not having any emotion but you also admit that you knew he evoked a response from you. You definitely remembered and had feelings about him when you were separated. I mean, you even saved the ramen that was his favorite. You looked for him. I know it's scary but that's okay.

Shu Yi is just so adorable about meeting the in-laws and being all awkward and adorable and it's beyond cute and then the talk about his dad and family and they're just adorable and domestic and sweet and how dare they.

Literally, Shu Yi is the best person in the world and the two people who love him most can learn a lot from him.

Ugh, Yu Zhen Xuan is my baby and I love him so much and he's just doing his best to be his best and he wants to love and be loved but he's trying so hard and I love him so much. He's just such a darling and he also deserves the world and to be loved just as he loves.

And we had to have another pool kiss, of course, what darlings.

Pei Shou Yei: I don't experience emotions... except the ones involved in protect Yu Zhen Xuan because those aren't emotions, those are just natural urges and don't count.

Awww, proposals are always adorable and sweet.

I did it! I've finally watched the whole thing, between dramacool and dailymotion I've managed to watch this show. Yay for me!

#bl drama #bl series #i'm not really gonna tag this #i'm so late to the game #but also agony #so you know #lol i finally did it #now my list of shows i have considered watching but chosen not to is at least one shorter

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lettertomyaggressor · 4 years

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A letter to my aggressor

I’m trying my best to respect your boundaries but I have to write you to let you know in what way this past week has been difficult for me. Maybe my concept of time in some ways draws us together.

Feeling like Sunday was the ultimate deal breaker confuses the hell out of me. While my behavior was foolish, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise.

I’m not a perfect person. I have flaws just like anyone else. I was not prepared for the whirlwind of a relationship this has been. I don’t know how to repair the damage that has been done.

I want you to understand that I feel like I have developed extremely bad habits as a result of trying to reassure myself that there is nothing to be afraid of. I want you to understand that I’m not trying to shame you as you seem to think.

I walk away from situations where I feel self conscious because I am afraid my insecurities will manipulate the situation, making it even worse. I demand your attention as a way of trying to force you to give me the apology I feel I deserve. An apology I truly feel has never fully been given. I look back on this past week and wonder how I am deserving of feeling abandoned if the reason for it is because my actions made you feel that way. Transactional analysis is a poor approach to resolving conflict. Is causing more damage really an effective way of proving a point? I’m saying it now so that both of us can hear it.

Loving you has been very difficult for me. I’m aware the odds are stacked against us. It shouldn’t have taken therapy for the two of us to understand that. We are both smart enough to have known that from the beginning and we should feel some level of shame in that. When this relationship started, it was wrong. As a result of that, we default to doing things to hurt one another when we feel misunderstood. We have created this mess together and we are both responsible for the damage we have done. I analyze these behavioral patterns and easily see the toxicity that surrounds them, so in a way I actually support your choice to wedge some time and space between us. Time is something incredibly valuable that we have wasted on trying to teach each other more about ourselves.

I wish I were in a strong enough place to feel more comfortable than I’m feeling right now, but I am glad that I continue to question it. I am still healing and I still feel like I need the support you said you had to offer. I have to say that when I look back on the past year, I still blame myself for a lot of what we have experienced.

I should have walked away when our trust was compromised. It would have been the appropriate response to the pain I was feeling. I should have given myself time to think about what I needed in order to heal and if it aligned with what you were capable of providing. In fairness, it shouldn’t surprise me that nothing has changed. When I developed the strength to ask for help, my needs were met with empty promises and very little follow through. And somehow, though I see some progress, very little has changed long after the conversations were had. However, had I only worried about myself, I don’t think I would have chosen to stay with you and I don’t think I would have felt any better for it. The thing is, I compromised myself hoping you wouldn’t feel punished for your honesty — the basic foundation trust and healthy relationships are built upon. The only thing that compromise aided was my ability to evaluate the situation more objectively, enabling both of us to analyze our faults in our attempt to be better people individually. I’m proud of my decision to do that. As a reward, I got to see more of the person in you that I saw from the beginning and wanted more of. It was both detrimental to my healing and toxically intriguing because I thought it evolved your perception of me and honored the qualities within myself that I wanted to be acknowledged for — the things in myself that I actually am proud of.

Being intimate with you is different from anything I’ve experienced before. Becoming infatuated with the idea of you is where my perception continually ebbs and flows, physically and emotionally. I guess this is where the age gap comes in to play. Maybe I mistook what is standard for you, by way of experience, as passion or love for the person I am.

And yet, I am still sitting here, beating myself up over it because a part of me questions if the pain you’re experiencing physically in regards to a pinched nerve renders you unable to fulfill our relationship sexually and perhaps fuels your insecurities. It feels like you could be choosing now to punish me because the lack of intimacy defeats you. Communication is valuable because it can be used in more ways than one. Your inability to communicate using your words is compensated by your ability to communicate with your body, but when the physicality is removed, I expect you to change your strategy. Ghosting me is not the appropriate response to feeling like you aren’t being heard. I may remove myself physically when I feel misunderstood, but I always follow through by using words to explain my reasoning for it. Ironic, isn’t it?

When you don’t communicate verbally it causes more damage than clarity for me. I’m ashamed that having that understanding, I am not utilizing this past week as an opportunity to exercise or eat more or rely on my physicality to better myself when words are taken away from me. I wonder if I will ever stop evaluating my self worth by worrying about whether or not I’m pleasing other people. My way of feeling heard — while it may be verbal — is equally assertive.

So much of myself is harboring a lot of self debilitating thoughts and feelings for putting other peoples’ needs before my own. I need to move passed that. I will never be strong until my mind and body are equally prepared to be assertive when faced with conflict.

Our unresolved conflict comes to surface by the things that trigger me. Triggers that manifest themselves in the negative coping strategies I have developed as a result of trying to please you. In my innocent attempt at trying to forgive you, I switched positions from the victim to the aggressor. I began leading conflict with ego rather than the kindness and support I promised you. I’m sorry for that. I was blind to the damage that was imposing on both of us. I want to take this moment to acknowledge such irresponsibility on my end. I want you to know I had every intention to follow through, even without knowing life would fall so strongly upon you this past year. I think I can still be proud that I stuck through it because I have learned a lot about who I am as a result of these experiences, even though I would have rather learned with more of your support. I will have to forgive myself and accept that in order to, at the very least, maintain a friendship with you which is why I am angry that you feel it is your responsibility to make choices “for the both of us.” Sadly, we have both overlooked the positive qualities that have held us together through these challenges. I respect your decision to try to mend things by making a choice beyond what I’m comfortable with as an effort to aid me in my healing, but I am not sure there is enough trust between us for me to be able to see it in that way so I have to admit that your efforts do the opposite of what you intend to do. I am left feeling abandoned, misunderstood, and insecure — three feelings that have been detrimental to the progress we could have otherwise made. Three feelings that provoke such a visceral response to what you see as things I should have moved on from by now. The trauma that was never properly handled is thriving in the toxic way we communicate so it makes sense that neither of us feel heard.

I’m not sure how you will perceive this email because I realize it may invoke more shame but I want you to understand that is far from my intention. Walking away from this situation without this understanding means we will have failed ourselves and each other. As much as I rely on your support to carry on, I find your tactics to be weak, immature, and not conducive to any sort of progress. As the initial aggressor, it is not your position to teach me a lesson that we both need to learn.

However, if you choose to, it will magnify what I see as our faults and insecurities. I will eventually need to determine the ways in which I am not a victim. I have confidence I will eventually move on now that I have this understanding. I do not want to constantly revisit the pain any more than you want to but it is necessary. If you would prefer to do that alone, or you feel that you already have, this letter serves as my attempt to explain why I feel so alone. I am asking you to find a different way to lend me support as I have tried desperately to do for you. In return, I think I am capable of giving you the forgiveness you are asking for. It will enable us both to heal in the ways that we deserve and to move on, honoring the promise that we will always be friends. I love you.

#trauma #therapy #healing #progress #motivation #psychology

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padawanlost · 6 years

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re: Obi-Wan and Anakin's communication issues. I can think of a couple of times in tcw where Obi-Wan does make an effort to reach out to Anakin. during the Clovis arc he tries the whole "this is like me and Satine" and Anakin is not having it for a few reasons, and on Utapau he outright asks if Anakin wants to talk about Ahsoka and when he doesn't, he brings it up again anyway. both times, he does pretty much tell Anakin to "get over it" but it's also Anakin that puts up walls and shuts him out.

As yousaid, Obi-wan’s “reaching out” is about telling Anakin to get “over it”. That’sno a healthy exchanged by any means. Obi-wan does try to reach out to Anakinto understand him and listen without judgment, he does to try to convinceAnakin to do whatever he believes Anakin should be doing. And I wouldn’t count their conversation about Ahsoka’sdeparture as a healthy communication either because Obi-wan waits WEEKS beforehe “reaches out” to Anakin and he only does it after Anakin slips and saysAhsoka’s name.

To beclear, this is not Obi-wan’s fault in the sense he is doing on purpose. Obi-wanis simply unequipped do deal with Anakin (or anyone who is not a Jedi) in ahealthy way. Communication is an exchange, a process. Imagine a world wherethere’s only two languages (A and B). Then, imagine Obi-wan was taught onlylanguage A and that language B is inherently bad. Now, Obi-wan has to train achild who speaks nothing but language B to learn language A AND completelyforget language B. Also, Obi-wan cannot understand language B and is notallowed to learned it. Do you see the problem? It’s not that Obi-wan is tryingto hurt Anakin, but is inability to understand Anakin hindered Anakin’s abilityto understand Obi-wan which created a relationship where neither side iscapable of fully understanding the other because they are not speaking the samelanguage.

As forAnakin putting up walls, the same way it’s unfair to say this a result ofObi-wan’s cruelty, it’s also unfair to put this on Anakin because he was thechild. It was, regardless of why he failed, Obi-wan’s responsibility to raiseAnakin. Anakin shut down Obi-wan’s attempts because after 13 years together Anakinknew better than to expect Obi-wan to understand.

[Obi-wan] heard himself - that tone of voicethat Anakin had always resisted. Obi-Wan waited for Anakin’s sharp response… then realized it wouldnever come. [Jude Watson’s The Last of the Jedi: The Desperate Mission]

Anakin had always hated sand. It was one of the many things about hisPadawan that Obi-Wan understood better now that Anakin was dead. That was thehorror of losing someone: Understandingcame too late. [Jude Watson’s The Last One Standing]

“I just…” Anakin stopped. He took a ragged breath. “I thought you wouldbe proud of me.” I am proud of you.Obi-Wan wanted to say the words. They were true. He was proud of so much inAnakin. But now was not the time to tell him that. Or was it? [Jude Watson’sJedi Quest: The School of Fear]

‘I thought I’d lend a hand to Doby and Deland. They’re from Tatooine.’Anakin looked uncomfortable. ‘If they win, they free their sister. She’s aslave.’ ‘I see.’ Obi-Wan nodded at the two brothers. 'I wish you good luck.Anakin, may I speak with you a moment?’ He drew Anakin aside. 'You know this iswrong,’ he told his Padawan with a frown. 'I’msure you are helping for the right reasons. But this is not our mission. Wehave more important things to do.’ [Jude Watson’s Jedi Quest: DangerousGames]

‘Why do you like to go fast, Anakin?’ The dreamy, shuttered look cameover Anakin’s face. 'Because I can leave myself behind.’ he said, his eyes onthe ship. Garen glanced at Obi-Wan. He raised one eyebrow. It was not a Jedianswer. Obi-Wan frowned, troubled by it.There were still places in Anakin he could not reach. [Jude Watson’s Jediapprentice - Special Edition: Deceptions]

Such a dichotomy. [Anakin] is the most fearless man I have ever foughtwith … yet a part of him remains that small, frightened boy who left Tatooineeleven years ago. The boy [Obi-wan]knew, to his shame, he’d sometimes failed to reach.[ Karen Miller’s Star Wars:Clone Wars Gambit: Stealth]

When they’d met,Anakin had been a warm-hearted nine-year-old boy with an open nature. He wastwelve and a half now, and the years had changed him. He had grown to be aboy who hid his heart. [Jude Watson’s Jedi apprentice - Special Edition: Deceptions]

“Get away from me,” Anakin said, as the edges of his vision rippledscarlet and black … and the rage that dwelled inside him drew itsbreath to scream. “I don’t want you here. She’d be alive if you’d believedin my dreams. She’d be alive if I had freed her. Get away from me, Obi-Wan.Leave me alone!” But Obi-Wan wouldn’t. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know, Anakin. Youdidn’t dream she was in danger. You didn’t dream she’d die. If you had—if you’dtold me—” Anakin looked down at Obi-Wan’s hand on his shoulder and shrugged,trying to dislodge it. “Don’t touch me. Are you deaf? I said leave me alone.” StillObi-Wan ignored him. Of course. Because that’s what he did. He gave orders, henever listened. “Anakin, you have to know it wasn’t deliberate.” All he hadto know was that this man had failed him. Sickened, trembling on the brink oflosing self-control completely, he reached out to pluck himself free ofObi-Wan’s grasping fingers …[Karen Miller’s Star Wars: The Clone Wars:Wild Space]

Obi-wan and Anakin’s relationship between TPM and AOTC was not the cozy,loving, friendly thing the fandom likes to pretend it was. It’s not hard tounderstand why Anakin would shut down all Obi-wan’s attempts after the tumultuous10 years they had spent together. Anakin’sreaction is pretty normal for someone who grew up like he did, when everytime you express your feelings you get told you are wrong to feel them you stopexpressing yourself. Again, it’s not that Obi-wan was intentionally trying tohurt Anakin, he simply didn’t know what else to do.

After 13 years of feeling misunderstood, is it really that surprisingthat Anakin doesn’t trust Obi-wan with his deepest feelings? I mean, that’s whyhe doesn’t tell Obi-wan about Padme, their marriage or his dreams. It’s notthat he thinks Obi-wan will hurt it, it’s because he doesn’t believe Obi-wan iscapable of understanding what Anakin is going through.

[Anakin] turned away. “I’m notsure [Obi-wan]’s on my side.” “Your side? Anakin, what are you saying?”“He’s on the Jedi Council, Padmé. I know my name has come up for Mastery—I’mmore powerful than any Jedi Master alive. But someone is blocking me. Obi-Wancould tell me who, and why … but he doesn’t. I’m not sure he even stands up for me with them.” “I can’t believethat.” “It has nothing to do withbelieving,” he murmured, softly bitter. “It’s the truth.” “There must besome reason, then. Anakin, he’s your best friend. He loves you.” “Maybe he does. But I don’t think he trustsme.” [Matthew Stover. Revenge of the Sith]

And onObi-wan’s side:

“You think Skywalker won’t be able to handle this?” Mace Windu said. “Ithought you had more confidence in his abilities.” “I trust him with my life,” Obi-Wan said simply. [Matthew Stover’s Revengeof the Sith]

Both Obi-wan and Anakin feel the same about so many things but they don’tspeak the same language so they don’t communicate effectively. So much of itgets “lost in translation” and it puts them in a situation where they both knowthey care for each other but they don’t really *know* each other. And, as Ialways say, that’s the tragedy of their relationship. Everything they neededwas right there all along, they just couldn’t see it.

#ask #anon #anakin skywalker #obi wan kenobi #sw meta #meta: anakin #meta: obi wan #txt

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agaytreasureofthesouth-blog · 5 years

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The “Ghosted” Friend 👻

I feel like I’m neglected and looked over a lot. Over and over again I’m forgotten about or the friend that’s put on the back burner. I’m SO tired of these things:

“Sorry just got this but I can’t because...(insert bs excuse)

“We should hang out! Really!” *never hear from them their just saying that because your suppose too

or my personal fav

*read

Being forgotten about

“We didn’t think you’d want to come”

This leaves me wondering this:

Did I do something wrong?

Why don’t they like me?

Am I too annoying?

Do I talk to much?

Does my homosexuality bother them even though they say they love how fem I can be at times

I talk to little

I’m not open enough

I’m too open

I text them too much

They are only using me

They are lying to you because they feel sorry for you

You’ll never be cool enough or good enough to be friends with them

It’s cause they think your too much of a straight edge

I would honestly rather someone tell me “I don’t like you and don’t want to be more than acquaintances with you. No hard feelings” then to lie and smile to my face and pretend to like me.

It bothers me a lot and I’m not sure why. I have a few thoughts though because I know I’m not alone in this...

You have to protect yourself first and formost! No ones mental/physical health should be jepeodized to make someone else happy or to “be polite”

My whole life I was taught manners and how to be courteous to others. I think every person especially children should learn and practice manners like please and thank you and holding doors and things, but you should never put with with a friend who puts your mental/physical health at risk.

Family or friend. This is how a toxic relationship is formed. As someone who had been in an mentally and emotionally abusive relationship I did a lot of things because I thought I was suppose to. Even if there was no positive outcome for me. I spent a lot of my days using all my energy to prepare for my SO to come home from work and ruin my entire night in 2 min by tearing me or anything down. I put up with it because I loved him and I assumed I was in the wrong and for our relationship to work he would need to be happy before me. I sacrificed my happiness in hopes he would be happy and change seeing how hard I tried. But it was the opposite. He would take more and more from me. And when I had nothing left to give and started to wonder what the point of my life was if I couldn’t ever make him happy?

Well I’m happy to say it took over a year for me to realize that would never happen and for my life to continue I would need to leave what started out as a easy friendship.

I was so entrained with a boy who wanted to be my friend and spend time with me I ignored the red flags. I think platonic relationships are the same. We have to set boundaries for ourselves. Concrete boundaries for the relationships in our life. The dictionary definition of boundaries is “a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.”

Dividing line really sticks out to me. It’s so important to have the conversation with yourself what’s acceptable and what’s not and HOLD onto it! Remember it! Accidents happen and people make mistakes, but once is a confidence, twice is intentional, 3 times is a habit starting to form.

I’m not saying if someone fucks up to leave them their not good for you. We all mess up, we all do bad things but it’s about growing from that and being able to call your friends out on those things, you have a grown up- fierce conversations, and move on from it. And if a resolution can’t be met or the same actions are repeated that’s a good sign it’s time to move on. People do change. It’s rare, but you also can’t convince someone to change. Ask someone who’s ever loved an addict.

Your probably saying what’s a fierce conversation? Well if you haven’t heard of the book “Fierce Converstions” by Susan Scott Susan describes a fierce conversation as “One in which we come out from behind ourselves, into the conversation and make it real." She believes that interpersonal difficulties are a direct result of our inability to communicate well.

For relationships to be successful of any kind, (work, school, friends, spouse, kids, etc.) we can’t sugar coat our problems! By choosing NOT to speak up because you don’t want to upset or offend them or have that difficult conversation puts limits on your relationship. If you are uncomfortable talking about this now how will it transpire later in your relationship? What if it happens again, will you say anything? Will you stop hanging out with them? Ghost them? Block them? How you handle the situation is how your relationship will unfold. If you are open and honest you will have a strong accountable relationship. The opposite of that, hiding your feelings towards how a situation was handled, how someone spoke to you, something you were upset about whatever the case may-be puts limits on how much your relationship can grow.

Limit your emotions and your standards and you limit yourself. How can we grow as a person, especially us empaths that LOVE to “fix” or “help” if we are constantly giving out our trust/ our hand to those that don’t deserve it. It’s like each time you cut away at yourself and give it away to someone else with nothing in return to build yourself back up. Boundaries are the lines that protect our heart. Without them we burn out.

So I understand what a healthy relationship looks like. What people who genuinely root for your well being and existence in their life. But what when you can’t find it?

Honestly I don’t have the answer because that’s where I’m stuck...

My best friend moved 12 hours away. We had an amazing relationship and we still talk daily but obviously I’d like someone here at home to friend, but I’ve had no luck. I know a lot of people and I’ve attempted to make friends and do things and everything feels so forced and fake and I hate it. It’s like the people I’m with aren’t having a good time either and we are just pretending.

I’m so tired of fake!

I did customer service for most of my life, and I can spot fake happy in a second.

I try to think things like, “your anxiety is making you feel this way. They are just busy/tired/ didn’t really see it.” And I think that’s part of it...sometimes...maybe...

And lately my new thought, and I’m actually kind of proud of this discovery is “they are naive and don’t know any better. So you can’t blame them for not being at that stage of growth yet”

In the same way you can’t get mad at a child for how quickly they learn to crawl because they are growing. They don’t know any better yet” we all grow at different rates. I feel like my heart is a little lighter when I think like that. We have to remember we are all humans who are constantly growing and experiencing life and the journey is different for all of us. But that is not reason to hold onto a toxic relationship.

We can still respect and cheer for someone’s growth without them being an active part of our lives.

But I’ve done my research and I know who I am. I’m proud of where I’ve come and how far I’ve had to come to make it to where I am. I know I’m a good person and a good friend. I’ve never been mean or spiteful to anyone and I am always the cheerleader of my friends. Im never judge mental, I ’m a great listener, I’m funny (most of the time), I try to be a safe place for everyone to come. Someone to talk to. I’ve always said I wanted my home to be a place you can come anytime and have something to eat, a glass of wine, talk, not talk, smoke with, whatever you need at that current time. I think people sense that and know it and i get taken advantage from. And that’s where that line comes in.

I am that safe place for others, but also for myself. Some days, my empath senses need a recharge for myself to heal. So I’m an avid believer that you can isolate yourself and not talk to anyone for awhile. Be honest and tell them you are needing some time to yourself for awhile to heal and gain your strength back. A good friend will tell you they understand and ask if they can help in anyway.

Empathetic people want to be listened to, too. We are the “dream catcher” of everyone’s emotions and that catches up quickly if you don’t know how to process it. Knowing how self care works and what you need to bring yourself back to your normal self is important. Trapping those emotions in and not processing them comes out in other ways, like anxiety, lashing out at minor issues, high blood pressure, depression, ect.

So in conclusion here is my thoughts. People suck. Period. Relationships are fucked up and hard and scary but honestly they can be so worth it. My best friend that moved is my biggest supporter and we talk constantly. We’ve made so many memories and she has taught me so much about life and myself I owe her for teaching me to grow. To think outside the box and challenge the way people behave, and think. I base most of my friendships off ours and that’s probably bad because I’ve known her for 9 years,but I know what a healthy relationship looks like because of her. It’s because of her I see the actions of others who aren’t being authentically themselves.

Maybe it bothers me so bad that people seem to snub me and keep going because of how hard I’ve worked to become who I am. I was closeted for 19 years. 19 years I lived a lie in every way you possibly can and you lose who you are after awhile. You try to be fake for so long the line between true you and the person you fake being is blurred and you lose track of which life is which and if that doesn’t make sense to you, ask someone that is LGBTQIA+ and I’m sure they can relate.

I spent So long being fake these, forced fake relationships I’m getting from other people are just not doing it for me. And I think it’s because I’ve grown so much. I’m unapologetically myself because I couldn’t be for so long. And I don’t think others realize the value in that. I’m weird and loud and fem and I’m FUCKING PROUD OF IT because it’s me. I’m being my authentic self that IM proud of and I don’t care what anyone else thinks. If I’m not good enough for you the way I am, then your relationship in my life is not needed. I’d rather go home alone every night, never have a friend, boyfriend, family, whatever and snuggle with my cats knowing I didn’t conform to be anyone else today. I didn’t water down myself to keep a friend.

Despite I’ve been kind of sad about my shitty friends situation, I’m gonna be happy on my own. I’m gonna find things that make me happy like photography and community involvement to keep my mind and hands busy.

“I believe that the measure of a person's life is the affect they have on others.” -Steve Nash

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thesinglesjukebox · 5 years

Video

youtube

JUICE WRLD - ROBBERY

[3.50]

With album number two, Juice WRLD steals some of our hearts...

Ian Mathers: Everything about this dude is totally charmless. If anything his delivery is getting worse; if you played this for me blind, I'd probably think it's the vocal track from the total dregs of Myspace emo slowed down a bit and "remixed" into a quasi-rap song. And that shit isn't even worth it for novelty. [1]

Thomas Inskeep: He does like to whine and bitch and moan, doesn't he? [2]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: If Juice WRLD weren't so painful sincere, I'd assume he was trolling us. Why else would he keep releasing songs with the same noxious combination of woe-is-me caterwauling and glibly misogynistic boasting? It's not that he's unable to do anything else -- his freestyles indicate an ability to rap compellingly about things other than flexing on women who wronged him. It doesn't seem like he needs to make music like "Robbery" to be successful, either -- "Armed & Dangerous," the single directly preceding this one, was standard boast rap and it did just fine on the charts. So why are we here again, having to talk about another Juice WRLD single that sounds just as sad and angry and impotent as all the rest? With everything else eliminated, we must contemplate the most horrifying possibility of all: Juice WRLD makes this music because he thinks, truly and deeply, that it is good. [0]

Ryo Miyauchi: The graphic metaphor of putting a wounded heart in a bag aptly sums up the redeemable value others seem to find in Juice WRLD's music. His out-of-range voice further accents the supposed rawness of his confessions with the slurry side effect given context in the song. Yet like the rest of his catalog, "Robbery" only becomes compelling if one assumes him as not only the one whose wrongs done to him must be righted but the chosen methods to right it are justified. From one-upping as a cover-up of his insecurity to throwing rocks at one's window, the acts of bitterness he stamps approval for never sits right no matter how melodic and pop he can package it. [4]

Iris Xie: "Robbery" is fun and intense, with its many little expressions of its dysfunctional conviction and willingness to be vulnerable to the point of being risk embarrassment and accusations of melodrama. It functions almost like an arcade claw machine for how many different little opportunities there are for the listener to grab on to. I've wondered what it would take for emo to be brought back in 2019, and this song is clear evidence that emo's roots in unbridled rawness are some really good bones, but switching the sound from rock to trap beats and drums reveals that there is plenty of room to experiment and move forward. For me, though, I adore "Robbery" because it is what I actually wished Fort Minor's "Remember the Name" was, a song that was practically a mandatory listen as an Asian American teen in the early '00s. Unlike "Remember the Name," which seemed docile and dutiful in its allegiance to being friendly and repeatable about working hard, and was pretty much hip hop-lite for scared suburban kids, "Robbery" pushes much harder on the underlying sentiments that come with trying to desperately imprint a sense of self on to situations of their own making. I appreciate the assonance and consonance in "I'm a whole different person/ It's a gift and a curse/ But I cannot reverse it," which results in a straight shot rhyme that matches the flayed sentiments of the song. Also, Juice WRLD surprisingly wins me over with that wailing exclamation of "I need to go home" in a while, which is matched by how he almost puts everything into the lines "You always give me butterflies/When you come around." There is no forced play-acting at trying to be mature with sad experiences either -- this is the pain of being passed down toxic, awful advice that turns relationships into power moves, and chances for vulnerability into walled-off endings, as represented in these two lines: "One thing my dad told me was, 'Never let your woman know when you're insecure/Flex on a hoe every time they're insecure'." This is assisted by the piano ditty melody, which contrasts with a cute and plaintive feeling that holds no pretense of someone being okay, but expressing a bit of the lightness that exists in the despair. This person is definitely a sadboi who needs to work through a lot of stuff and get more in touch with their emotional depth in the face of toxic masculinity, but it's communicated well. [7]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: I still remember being in high school and reflecting on how much my parents had grown throughout their marriage. When I was much younger, they'd argue every now and then, my father having to sleep somewhere other than the master bedroom for the night. They both got much better at communicating through the years; for more than a decade now, they rarely if ever have let bitterness fester for more than a few hours. As such, I was always proud to have parents who really seemed to love each other -- compared to other first generation Korean-American parents I knew, mine were openly affectionate, and used their individual strengths to help each other lead more fulfilling lives. I've never told my parents this, but they really served as models for what it means to love someone, be it romantically or not. I'm reminded of all this when I hear "Robbery" because of Juice WRLD's distressing first verse. He makes an explicit link between a behavior taught by his father and several unhealthy actions he does himself because of an inability to handle insecurity: masking feelings of smallness with wealth, exhibiting unfeeling misogyny as a way of lifting oneself up, and a proclivity for drug use whenever faced with anxiety. This image of ex-as-robber reveals how the common end-result is a woman being portrayed as the sole culprit. What makes "Robbery" more affecting than the song that influenced it -- Escape the Fate's "Reverse This Curse" -- and much of 2000s emo in general, is how it truly makes the whiny notion that "the world sucks" feel true. It doesn't just come through in the Trippie Redd-esque wailing, though. No, it's in how the song shows how interconnected and insurmountable all these terrible things seem to be: the notion that men (especially black men) need to present themselves as hard-edged, the resulting deficiencies at communicating effectively and confronting one's emotions, the learned behaviors that transmit from one generation to the next, the vicious cycle of drug dependency, the never ending vilification of women. I learned from my parents what healthy relationships could look like, and it's really just dumb luck that I ended up being their kid. How many aren't quite as lucky? How many are a little less primed for combating these normative behaviors? How can we possibly stop all that's wrong with this dumb earth? [7]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

#Juice WRLD #rap #hip hop #music #pop #music review #writing

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a-moments-grace · 7 years

Text

An Open (but not open) Letter to My Parents

My dad is coming to visit in a couple weeks. He’s been living in Arizona for the last six years or so (and I live in New Hampshire), so it’s been a while since I’ve seen him. Two years, I think.

I am looking forward to seeing my dad. I love him. Instead of feeling really excited, though, I’ve been feeling more apprehensive than anything.

This has been the cause for much thinking.

I have been in therapy for the last couple months, mostly working on loving myself and undoing some of the habits that no longer serve me as an adult. Part of that work has been delving into my past which includes emotional abuse and neglect on the part of both my parents.

So...as my dad slowly makes his way up the East Coast on his motorcycle, and I slowly make my way thought undoing so many of the hurts of the past.

As a way of sorting through all of the thoughts in my addled brain, here is a letter to my parents (that I could never and probably will never send, but it might make me feel better for now).

~*~*~*~

Mom, Dad,

I love you both. I hope that I have grown up to be a person you can respect and be proud of. I am happily married, I have a career I love and which supports me and my family, and I am healthy. You both have taught me so much.

And I am so incredibly mad at you both for abandoning me when I needed you most.

At 12 years old, you left me, Dad. You walked out on the family to save yourself from the deterioration of Mom, and you said you would be there for us, but you haven’t been. You moved on to a new family and a new life - both of which you deserve - but you did it when you still had a daughter who needed you. You decided to take care of your needs but you we’re done taking care of mine. I was twelve. TWELVE. I was lost and alone and scared; and you made me feel worthless.

You didn’t have time for me. You were too busy with your job, your wife, your new family. And then you moved across the country and I don’t see you. In the last six years that you’ve been gone I have seen you twice. One day for my wedding (ONE DAY before you left again), and the second visit was for a few hours when you came out to move your step-daughter out to Arizona.

You hardly ever call. You are so happy that I’m doing well, but I think that you’re just happy you don’t have to feel guilty for abandoning me. If I had messed up my life, you may have had to take some responsibility. Since I’m doing well, though, you can happily stay away.

How long will you be here this time? How quickly before you leave again? How many more years will go by before I see you?

And Mom, when I was twelve you left me, too. You sank into your own hole of depression and selfishness and I was left in the wake of your instability. For three years I watched you with a wariness a child should never have to know. I tip-toed between your depression, your anger, and your irrational behavior.

You blamed me for everything, and you handled it with passive-aggressive parenting. Notes about my behavior, the silent treatment when I had upset you, and “how dare you embarrass me - how do you think this makes me feel?” when I sought out help from a guidance counselor.

And then, you got married without telling me. You left a note on my pillow and changed my life without ever asking how I felt. You were afraid I would say “no” and you blamed me for being a problem child. I’d like to remind you that I have never done drugs, I have never smoked anything, and I have a drink maybe once a year. I was a straight A student in high school. I was not promiscuous in any fashion. I cleaned the house regularly. I cooked dinner when you were too tired to. I did all I possibly could to get you to love me and notice me...and you couldn’t be bothered.

I am who I am because of you both. Because of your neglect, I do not know how to love myself. Because of your abandonment, I do not know how to forge and keep relationships. Because I wanted to get out of your world of depression, I was a straight A student and I got a Bachelor’s degree and Master’s degree in five years.

To both of you -

Do not take pride in my accomplishments. They happened IN SPITE of your. Do not celebrate my success - you have no part in it. I am responsible because you could not be. I am respectable because you weren’t. I am kind, loving, and compassionate because you denied me those things when I needed them most.

I am so angry with you both for damaging a little girl who did nothing to deserve your neglect. I am exhausted from trying to heal the hurt you caused. I have to spend so much time reflecting on how to love myself, how to speak to myself, how to give myself the permission to relax. I have to put effort into asking what I WANT instead of what I have to do. All of these things I’ve been working on are because of you and your inability to love me.

I have tried - for most of my life - to be perfect because I thought it would get you two to notice me and love me. Now, I have to do all of this work for something I had no choice in.

I do not like being angry with you. It goes against my nature - and the need for acceptance you left me with. It makes me feel anxious and upset to be so, so very angry with you. A child should love her parents. Sometimes, I hate you.

I wish you would apologize and tell me you’re sorry for what you did. That you realize how hard you made life for me, and that you’re proud I succeeded in spite of you.

I love you, Mom and Dad, but you have done some really shitty things. I pray that if I ever have children of my own, I won’t make them feel they way you have made me feel.

I pray that I find peace someday, and that I can move on from all of this.

Your daughter,

Ashley.

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