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safyresky · 1 year

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Bernack! Fusion Lawyer

A late night treat for u all that I promised AGES ago, please enjoy the most unhinged instalment of Fusion AU: Bernack (have yet to think of a decent name for them u just cannot mix Jack/Bernard's names it just does not work. Jernard? BACK?!?!?!? BARACK? OBAMA?!?!?!?!!?!?!?), Fusion Lawyer.

I have barely edited these notes. I have only made them legible (3am Dani has bad spelling which is funny bc it's already atrocious with how fast I type) and I am NOT joking about the time this was originally written at:

Please note that these are like BARE BONES ideas. LORD KNOWS (now that I have reread it) if this is still the situation I'd have fucking bernACK appear in, but A TREAT FOR U ALL ANYWAY. I HOPE.

AHEM. Let's begin.

It starts with a dare to Jacqueline, with love, ur horrible friend Charlie

they're chatting about some odd and strange magical things, and Charlie cracks a joke about Leprechauns and gold

to which Jacqueline replies "dude. that's legit. And you know gnomes? garden gnomes? yeah they're accurate to size you see in stores and they constantly throw hands with the leprechauns about who owns the gold

Charlie is like. ur fucking me

Jacqueline's like I am NOT! I will even bring you over and SHOW U

Charlie's like BET!

And Jacqueline goes AIGHT CHOOSE A DAY

Anyway Charlie ends up being unavailable but he has activated his pal's trap card and Jacqueline, of course, hunts down Elle

"hey dude," she says, once she finds Elle. "wanna go stake out some gnomes and leprechauns so I can win a bet against Charlie?"

And Elle is like "It's March. OF FUCKING COURSE I DO. Nothing's happening round these parts rn let's fucking GO BESTIE

So off they fuck!

And after a very strange series of events, Elline is around, and she is fucking RUNNING from the leprechaun authorities bc they think she is stealing the gold

She fails and is captured by them

They think she is a gnome spy

Elline is like "I'm really not? I'm a sprelf, and I'm just tryin to prove a point to my horrible friend Charlie who constantly makes silly challenge bets with me and they end up like this

which is funny bc we're always like "wow our legends need to stop having silly contests that end with trouble"

"I'm half hypocrite on the sprite side"

ANYWAY

Elline is like really I'm not a spy. not a gnome spy. i swear. i dont even want the gold. i get paid v well and have so much pirate treasure it's fine honest

and the leprechauns are like THEN WHY ARE YA COMING OVER FROM THE GNOME FRONTIER?!@?!?!

GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT, they say, and LOCK ELLINE UP IN THE JAIL. TM.

Elline is like.

This is a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation dot jpeg

MEANWHILE, AT THE POLE...

Charlie runs into B, who's like, hey, have you seen Elle?

And Charlie's like maybe! I think she's out with Jacqueline. See, Jacquie and I were gonna do a thing, but I had another thing, but I finished the thing early and was going to call Jacqueline out on the gnome and leprechaun thing, but she's not around at all

and nor is Elle! So I'm guessing she took Elle with her instead!

Bernard, knowing full well how those two magibeans be: oh FUCK

Prior to this, Charlie ran into Jack who was like hey junior. you seen Jacqueline around

and he said the same thing to Jack!

Jack, also knowing full well how those two magibeans be: OH FUCK

are they talking about elle/jacquie or the gnomes/leprachauns? we'll never know (it's the latter but this works for the former too I am realizing)

SO. JACK AND BERNARD KNOW ALL ABOUT THE NONSENSE AND ARE LIKE AH SHIT

BOTH OF THEM CONTACT ELLINE (u know. telepathy/magical legend/legate link) LIKE "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GO CANVAS THE GNOMES AND LEPRECHAUNS ????

And Elline is like I HAD A POINT TO PROVE

ANYWAY. I'M IN JAIL.

CAN YOU COME GET ME?

And so Jack and B go ALRIGHT GUESS WE'RE GOING TO BAIL OUR LOVED ONES OUT OF LEPRECHAUN JAIL

so off they fuck and go to post bail and the leprechauns go oh no no NO. THEY are getting a TRIAL. We can't let the gnomes think we don't know. They need to know. They need to know we know their TRICKS.

Jack and B are like OKAY FINE BUT WE DEMAND TO BE THERE

And the front desk leprechaun goes "oh NO you do NOT. closed court, only the plaintiff, defendant, lawyers, etc. no visitors. unless ur their lawyer which i KNOW ur not. so BYE."

Jack and B are FUMING

B: I'm head fucking ELF I know enough about magibean law to be a LAWYER.

Jack: I WENT TO LAW SCHOOL

B: you did-you-what? why?!

Jack: long story. got bored, needed to make the law work for me, went to law school.

so anyway. some kinda crazy discussion happens for sure that ends in ELLINE NEEDS A LAWYER

ELLINE. THE FUSION. NEEDS A LAWYER

WE BOTH HAVE THE KNOW HOW.

IF WE FUSED WE COULD LAWYER THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE GUYS AND GRAB ELLINE

They're like this is batshit insane. absolutely crazy

but you know, so is leprechaun court, and gnome court???? gods forbid

they have a brief discussion about concerns given that when jack fused with elle, they had to get separated by force courtesy of berline, v scaring and scarring, very jarring, do NOT want a repeat of that

but in the end they can put aside their differences/worries/concerns bc their loved ones are in TROUBLE.

so they do it. they fucking fuse.

Enter:

BERNACK! FUSION LAWYER

you know slannen the elf from ella enchanted? yeah. That's basically bernack

he appears, he looks SO normal. It's actually surprising.

he has a briefcase

he knows a LOT about LAWYER STUFF

he is READY TO KICK ASS IN THIS COURTROOM AND MARCHES THROUGH THE DOORS

they are the ULTIMATE lawyer

they have the boston accent

they shove over some leprechauns like IM WALKIN HERE

they got that DANK HETEROCHROMIA IN THE EYEBALLS!

they go BACK to the front desk, put their card down (which somehow they have an official business card???)

"I'm here to represent elline. it's non negotioable"

and BARGES into the courtroom

Elline is like. WHAT AM I SEEING. WHAT IS THIS

And Bernack is like this is me slash us getting your asses out of LEPRECHAUN jail. this was so stupid. why did you do this.

I HAD A POINT TO PROVE

Okay shut up, don't say ANYTHING. let me do the talking

Elline is like. I am concerned about this but also, intrigued

She like. does the thing where u zip ur lips and throw away the key

Bernack is like good choice. Also, keep an eye on me, if this goes south we'll need to pull a jackington

Elline (unzips lips) how would u like your death

Bernack: the less memes the better

Elline, the meme loving fuck: i make no promises (rezips lips, folds hands, sits and smiles)

Elline is basically ready to stab That Bitch at any given moment, but also, living for the chaos that is about to ensue

and chaos DOES ensue

the trial is stupid. it's rigged. bernack has to run loop holes around loop holes around loop holes. That's okay tho that's his specialty, loopholes and clauses

there is an ace attorney reference. multiple maybe even

this is SPARTA reference that ends with Elline kicking someone

U WANT THE TRUTH U CAN;T HANDLE THE TRUTH moment

but ANYWAY the trial is beyond frustrating because the leprechauns are STUBBORN and WANT to make a big move like showing the gnomes their spy apprehended, and so finally bernack is like I am AT my LIMIT and snaps their fingers or something and suddenly, fire!!

YEAH. BERNACK HAS FIRE POWER.

Of course, Bernack immediately thinks ARSON?????

He's perturbed but also. Intrigued. And also, burning the courtroom sounds great at this point it's been HOURS

And Elline thinks back, thrice as loud, ARSON! BURN IT DOWN! DO IT! LET'S BUST OUR ASSES OUT OF HERE. AHHHH

You'll never guess what they do

FIRE. That's what

And they trash the courthouse and book it

They win the case by default

Bernack's like TOLD YA I'D GET YOU OUT OF THERE as something explodes

Elline's like DON'T LOOK BACK AT THE EXPLOSION

Bernack's like COOL GUYS DONT LOOK BACK AT EXPLOSIONS as he pulls out shades and rushes away without looking behind him

I don't THINK they'd need to be forced apart. Pretty sure Jack and Bernard would be like "I've had enough of this guy" and just like. poof back to themselves

But not before giving Elline a piece of their mind

ELLINE YOU FUCKED UP ALL THE SHIT

SO DID YOU

BUT IT WAS AWESOME

YEAH IT WAS!

they high five and get iced cream or something.

idk man.

I feel like these are the most chaotic fusions that could exist. Chaotic in positive???? ways?????

BUT YEAH

Anyway back at the NP Elline kicks down the door to Charlie's room like GOT UR PROOF BUCKO, AND WE GOT TO DESTROY A COURTHOUSE!

And Charlie's like ): NOT because he was proven wrong but bc he did not get to destroy things with them ):

and that's the story of BERNACK! FUSION LAWYER!

#dani speaks #fusion au #crystal springs #BERNACK! fusion lawyer #bernack #i hope u guys enjoy this snacky treaty #took me an hour to transcribe it #ANYWAY love the idea still #but concerned about stereotypes via leprechauns?#i cannot elaborate idk where it came from but man do i have to do some gd RESEARCH on lore and court rooms #and lawyering lol #BUT YEAH. Now any time a fusion gets in trouble bernack represents them #unless one half of bernack is involved in the shenanigans #which happens quite frequently tbh. jackie is notorious for shenanigans

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