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#but anyway for the moment im just wallowing in my own fear and im doubly scared bc im finding myself falling into rabbit holes again
batemanofficial
·
11 months
Text
i need weed. i need a medical card so bad or im gonna go out of my fuckign GOURD
#speak friend and enter
#let me preface this by saying that im doing everything in my power to not let mental illness wipe its greasy hands on me
#however. im insane in the membrane and i can feel myself slipping back into lunatic mode
#i have to go for an mri next week and i genuinely don't know if i can do it. i am so fucking terrified you have no idea
#i'll spare y'all the grisly details but i was chronically ill as a kid (and not just like sick a lot it was touch and go there for a bit)
#and as a result of certain procedures i had to undergo to abate the aforementioned chronic illness
#i developed ptsd that manifests as an irrational but obscenely debilitating fear of hospitals
#like i can't go in a hospital without having a psychotic episode. like clinically i just can't do it
#but as part of my yearly post-whatever care i have to get imaging done and this year that entails an mri and. im just scared
#i spent a significant portion of my time immediately post ptsd symptom presentation believing that my doctors were trying to kill me
#like for sport. like i thought there was some larger deep state esque plan in place to enact further medical barbarism upon me for giggles
#and obviously you and i both know that's a delusion with no basis in reality but that doesn't mean i can stop myself from believing it.
#it's like a word-of-god thing. i know logically that it's not true but there's a voice in my head screaming 'they want to flay you alive'
#and i am currently between therapists and also unmedicated bc my last therapist was too focused on inner child work
#to give me the prozac and weed card i really need
#like that's great that you think healing my inner child will solve this but my inner child is covered in her own viscera. can we pivot mayb
#but anyway for the moment im just wallowing in my own fear and im doubly scared bc im finding myself falling into rabbit holes again
#like empirically the worst thing that's gonna happen as a result of this mri is that they're gonna say i have to have another surgery
#and the technology has advanced to a point where its way less invasive than what ive had previously
#but the constant dull roar of my thoughts about the whole deal is just. increasingly delusional nonsense
#and not to be overly morbid or anything but i decided a long time ago that if i ever had to be admitted to the hospital again i would rathe
#well you know. and i don't wanna die. honestly i don't. but the idea of wading through that particular brand of hell again is torture
#and im not gonna kill myself. im not. ive been working on that impulse for a long time and i don't want to undo all of that work
#but im scared and i dont wanna spend the rest of my life in n out of the hospital or as a substance-abusing recluse. is that so much to ask
#i want to fix this. i do. i don't wanna live in a hole anymore as fantastic mr fox would say. but the horrors persist
#and i often find myself increasingly unable to cope. hence why i need the weed
#anyway i'll be fine. eventually. i hope. but in the meantime i do want to say i appreciate you all. i mean it
#i tend to regard myself (fairly or otherwise) as difficult to get along with in real life so despite the fact that i don't talk w y'all muc
#i do appreciate y'all being there and making me feel like more of a person than i feel like i am lately <3
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