#both apply to me and my mom
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I showed my mom the autism creature and she said she liked it but it would be better with cat ears and she prefers the ADHD creature
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helpi thinki made my friend cry what do i do
#es talks#UMUMUMMUMUMUM IDONT KNOW JOW YO REASSURE PEOPLE HELP…?#so like ummm… yknow how i got accepted into college right… my mom made me apply for another college and got accepted so im goikg there#instead which would meanim leaving her alone and she got devastated tho we both applied for the other college#together because she wanted to go there wwwww but she isn taccepted so im like conflicted rightnow
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#im probably gonna be spending a lot of my life mourning my sisters and my relationship#we were so close but now we dont really talk outside of gatherings#i dunno#we're both living our own lives and it takes two to be distant#theres a lot of things i hate about her and its probably mostly stuff that hits my own insecurities#i used to come to her with all kinds of things#now its like she doesnt respond to my lil reachings out so like i dunno#we work for the same fucking college for fucks sake#im prolly always gonna resent her for applying and moving here without telling me and just having me hear second hand#like yes im not blameless but also like fuck her#i continue to prove i dont need her but also i miss her#we only hurt each other when we do talk#the fact my old coworker reminded me of her so much was probably part of why i hated her so bad#fuck people who think theyre better than me (read people i think are better than me)#my mom called today and thats whats got me thinking like this#im great#people love me#im loved#honestly my familys where i get all my abandonment issues#im better off without all of them but by god if thats gonna stop me from like feeling the ache of their absence like a phantom limb
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#i think i should switch unis#but also ik id suffer from extreme self comparison if i were to switch#i also have a feeling ill always regret not applying downtown#always thinking about what my life wouldve turned out to be#delete later ig#also ill have to take organic chemistry in the summertime#ill. talk to my mother over reading week#because i cannot take it anymore#thinking about this has destroyed my midterm motivation#pro other campus: bigger and has more activities - both of my best friends are studying there - more bursaries available - more profs#has EXTREMELY interesting 4th year courses#“biochemistry of cancer” are you shitting me#cons: 2h travel time daily ( :D )#will probably be dying due to self comparison again#WILL be dying due to bigger workload#ill talk to mom and see what she says. if she approves then ill send in the transfer application
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#oh wow the atmosphere in the household is rank#I think this is the first time I've tried to fight back with my parents and not cave and start crying yikes#i think this spell is going to last for a while#until school starts again at least#any possible last minute summer plans out the window I guess!!#already been going on with my dad for like two weeks but now it's going to be both parents#dad said he's not going to have any interest in what i do to prepare to apply to college now idk#only way i can not cry when someone is angry at me is be unbelievably rude back#going to match their energy I guess#haven't gone to the beach once this summer 😒#i said i didn't want to make a website solely for the sake of college apps from the very start and now look where we are#he said that i don't do anything i don't want to do and haven't given a single thought about my situation in life#goddamn!! do you think i like everything i do?? that I do things just because I enjoy them??#menopause hormones vs puberty hormones fight#feel like shit#next few weeks are going to be unbearable#upside is I don't have to worry about my dad walking in my room whenever and having to pretend to be busy#but my moms still going to do it and shes going to be passive agressive to jupiter and back!!#how can i be creative in these conditions
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//uhHh gunna go on a small hiatus due to not having internet+other (ill expln in the tags c/tw vent/rambling)
#// i owe like 300+ for my internet ($200+ to reactivate) reason i havent been able to pay it was due to paying rent/bills/groceries/gas#and medication(for my partner) and weve applied to a better job but we need funds to pay for the livescan to continue/finalize the hiring#process but sadly we wont be able to pay rent this month due to some circum's sothats sm ;u;#and aside from all that both of us going thru heavy depression and mental fog#we want to hang out w irl friends but feel like we cant cuz were always broke (our friends still live w their parents/have a safety net) an#we feellike a buzz kill cuz we cant pay for our own meals or afford to go out in general just feeling left out causing us to be depressed#and not wanting to go out/be invited out#we had one friend lecture us abt money when its like dude you&gf pay $200 in rent to ur parents; we live together(w my retired/disabled MIL#and we pay rent household bills groceries gas car stuff medication we get paid bi weekly so like first/ending monthweek checks are for rent#and the mid week check we have to save accordingly for rent but were cured w the pharaohs curse cuz whenever#we have money that we plan to get alil smth for ourselves something goes wrong w the car#like we cant do shit and honestly it feels like someones praying on our downfall or smth cuz its every fkn time we cant catch a break#so yeaa gunna go on hiatus dunno how long tho but wont be too long but i will still be drawing so maybe expect some art dumps#ily guys thank you for putting up w me i dont ghost on purpose im just always depressed and need to be distracted or else the urges comebac#trying to be okay but its hard but i need to grow up#//i have my parents but theyre going to financial hardships too so they cant help and my sisters cant help cuz older sis started a family#amd my twin sis lives w my parents#my mom started working but hadda stop due to having a grapefruit sized tumor on her ovary (which is the other main reason4 my depression#and dad could care less abt my moms condtion (hes the reason for her suffering but ahe refuses to leave him#vent post#sorry went off on a tangent#but istg if i lose my mom im going to fkn hurt him cuz i already lost my dad (my FIL) and i will not be able to mentally recover#like i was there when we got the phone call (couldnt be at the hosptial due to covid reg.) i dont ever want to go thru that heartache again#edit if youd like to help me out i have comms open and i have a cshpp if ur feeling generous ;; $altereghost
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i've been turning a blind eye to it even though i've been aware of it happening for years but it has almost become way worse yet i don't feel like i've done enough to stop it
#long story short my mom almost joined an em el em#because she lost one of her jobs and we need money and she's tired of trying to apply for another and work#she wants to 'work from home' and because she has friends who SEEM to be making a lot of money from it#she's convinced that it's a good move and she could achieve the same#and its just so frustrating because i'm eating food cooked from overpriced pots those friends sold to us years ago#and i still have empty bottles of essential oils that i'm pretty sure were also sold to us by those same friends#and i've known for years that my parents' friends were shilling these things but i didn't know much about the subject#so i didn't want to 'enlighten' my parents on it (especially my mom who's the one actually buying these things)#i couldn't be bothered and its not like they were actually joining any of them#her telling me about this new business they want to start was what did it for me#i'm glad i kept prying before it was too late because there was too many red flags#however she still seems so unconvinced about why its a bad idea... i'm saving our family's finances but she doesn't seem to believe me#even though i do think she won't go through with it#and i'm just worried#those friends are the reason we were able to migrate here#one of them is my brother's godmother#the other one knew both my parents for years before i was even born#i don't want to say bad things about them but i hate that they're influencing my mom this way#idk if they're directly telling her these things or if she's just looking from the outside#i hope she's not too stubborn to just. believe that i have her best intentions. me. her first born child.#ugh idk maybe i should just talk to my dad since apparently he was still skeptical too#im so saaaaaaaad#idk how to help my family aside from taking extra shifts to cover bills ;___;
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sometimes i feel like a complete amoeba with no clue about how the world works but then i look at my parents and suddenly feel much more confident xdd.
#my dad blames it on me that the employers i applied to aren't responding. bc he has no clue this is simply how we're treated#in the capitalist hell of today. mf didn't have to apply for a job for 30 years.#mom... is too much for the character limits of tumblr lol.#they both lack basic practicality. not to mention emotional maturity#daddy lucifer get me away from these idiots xdd#anyway#shut up elis#just a lil tag rant. sorry if you scrolled into this
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😒
#myevilposts#sighing so loud.#g-d i'm so pissed off. i hate misandrists soooo much i especially hate when they deny that that's what they are.#or act like they are somehow valid bc one (1) man was abusive towards them.#like honey my mom was both physically and mentally abusive to me and i don't hate women. it's very easy to not be a dick actually.#once again. what they should actually be angry about is the systemic issue of the patriarchy or their single abusive man.#not men as a whole. like it's so easy.#it's actually so easy to just hate shitty men and not men as a whole. btw.#also i can't believe people think my struggles to be included in discussions about pregnancy due to uninclusive language#(which is very very much a trans issue.) isn't real just because i'm a man.#honey. i have a womb. i can in theory get pregnant. i don't want to be misgendered and excluded from a conversation#that literally fucking applies to me and is important to my physical and mental health and well being. just because i'm a man.#i am being oppressed in this situation. that is what transandrophobia is.#like is the fact that people are calling pregnancy and abortion 'women's issues' and i'm like 'hey. those things apply to me#and i'm a trans man. please use inclusive language that doesn't misgender and/or exclude me.' and people are#like 'ugh shut up you're literally a man. you should deal with being excluded from this conversation.#that literally fucking applies to you and being misgendered by our language.' actually like progressive?#like do you think it's progressive to say that me getting misgendered and excluded from a conversation due to#cisnormativity is fine. because oh i'm a man. men aren't ever treated like shit ever.#when i am quite literally being shat on for being a man in this situation. despite it literally including me.#transphobia tw#like don't you all literally see that what you're saying is that misgendering is ok just because i'm a man?#and that my having to deal with pregnancy and abortion is invalid? just because i'm a man. and acting like that's a progressive thing#to say??? like literally stoppp. you are literally telling me. who is trans. and being oppressed bc i am trans.#that the transphobia that is specifically targeting me. bc i am trans. isn't real. bc i am a trans MAN specifically.#and like yes. i experience transandrophobia in real life. it is not just an 'online' issue bc no form of transphobia is.
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Shoutout to my twins sick of sharing
#bonus points if you've had to carry them bc of your parents#my mom is telling me to share info about a job opportunity with them#she wasn't there when someone approached me telling me i should apply#and yet they made a group chat to text BOTH of us about it#is it so difficult to see us as two separate people#my brother was right there#why not text him?#also my sister got the text too#why is it just on me to fill my mom in#for fucks sake#rubes is not vibing
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okay so i got accepted into my top college ed and everyone was really happy and IM really happy i agree but my brain sees an achievement and just thinks of the catastrophes that will follow said achievement so now i'm thinking about how i'm going to be in debilitating, crippling debt and IM NOT EVEN SURE WHAT I WANT TO DO. WHAT IF THE MONEY IS WASTED AND I FAIL (LEISTER)
#and also the stunning lack of faith my dad had in me getting in was really. just. wow. he refused to believe i would get in the whole time#which stings a little ig#but i'm happy!!! but im not???#but i should be happy!! one of my good friends is also going to that school#every at school td was congratulating me and its a good fucking school to get into#so i'm happy!!! but i'm also worried??#i feel like i should be happier. and let myself enjoy this triumph over the weekend. but all i want to do is plan.#plan out my next steps figure out how to save myself from overwhelming debt curse my parentals for saving literally nothing for college#and both FINALLY getting raises and better jobs only the year before i started applying to colleges#which good for them but shitty for me considering that it ruined my chances of getting a lot of financial aid when prior to those#very sudden shifts in wages and job qualities we had less that half of the income we're making now#so i dont get any college savings bc they didn't have good enough jobs to save up and i get less financial aid bc their tax returns from#last year make it seem like they're rich or smthn now#and it still stings that my dad's acting like my acceptance was a miracle (which i agree suqran allah first and foremost subhanalah)#but it disregards all the hard work i put into making this happen???#and the fact that my mom didn't even believe me at first#idfk#i SHOULD be happy. i AM happy. why can't i just let myself be happy for a weekend#tw swearing#swearing tw
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not to post updates about my progress every like, 6 hours, but i'm just enjoying my progress but also laughing at him... look at him... mask, shoes, naked blue everywhere else... lmfao
#nadia mods smps4#i did the mask first cause it was important for me to figure out the textures#the feet were actually first alphabetically lol also i needed to check the white material#it looks good i think... it's not reflective or glow in the dark (yet??) but i'm just gonna... put that off until i finish all the textures#pretty sure i can make an emission map but not sure how to like... apply it...#this is not a symbiote suit fyi it's the black ff suit which i know everyone and their mom has already modded#but i'm planning on using my design (which is on my twitter but not yet on tumblr cause i need to draw some other stuff first)#and ideally i want it to be either reflective or light up (or both??) but idk how yet#and tbh there's not a lot of helpful tutorials or answers pretty much anywhere lmao#i'll figure it out later
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having just a fucking ton of ear piercings is so cool and sexy i cant recommend it enough
#abt to get a few more bc i dont fear death and constantly apply to be a model for claires employee ear piercing training#im also gonna get a nose piercing tomorrow also at a claires training#hope my mom wont die when she picks me up lol.#im gonna literally get as many ear piercings as i can cram on there plus nose piercings on both side#and a bridge and a labret.#and then i think that will fix me
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my mom’s birthday and the holidays are coming up and I really wanna get her some stuff so i’m thinking of opening up commissions hoping i can scrounge together like $100 so i can get her some gifts since we’re still waiting on getting me paid to care for her T-T
#'oh you're finally able to apply! so now to apply for her to care for you you need to apply for medicaid'#'but we already applied and was denied because somehow they think she makes too much on disability even if we can't make ends meet'#'well you need to apply again and after you get the letter of confirmation or denial we can work on the next steps'#like why is this so hard???#she couldn't apply before because she had an IRA and they made her drain that before she could even start trying to get me paid#i've been full time caregiving for her for over 2 years now and had to quit my job cause i can't be gone that long and plus the pandemic#so it's been kinda screwing us both over since i can't help out with bills and she doesn't make enough on disability to cover them all#just stupid honestly and especially this year has been kinda stressfull#i had made some extra money doing side jobs for my gramma but she's not very careful and doesn't wear a mask around me#doesn't wear one around my mom either even though i ask her to and it's our one rule in our house#plus it's been super busy so i haven't been able to do odd jobs for her in a while :\
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