(btw if you follwoed from my main account im gonna say it here bc i dont think its something im supposed to talk about on the main but i am an alter and they dont like mentions of it on public accs but thats what this blog is-- )

DUN DUN!

You have been bitten by the mutual virus. To cure yourself, you must provide one reason why you follow each of your mutuals before sending this to others (whether mutuals or not) while in anon.

Good luck!

thats so scary i’ll stay sufferibg with this virus i have a strong immune system

i feel weird venting or blogging or ruminating here cause it feels like judgemental bitches are watching me. maybe i should start a seperate blog with 0 followers. i think my feelings are important cause if i don't talk about them then ther're still there under the surface as i go about my day. maybe tumblr isnt the platform for this. when i see a text-only blog i don't follow cause that's boring. unless they're talking about something super interesting like philosophy. just nothing seems right. my toe is still wounded. im cooking corn flour and... idk. when i was on twitter and had a big account like 1700 followers id try to talk to chicks and they still ghosted me. fuck them. i finally found a chick who was even more autistic than me. stonetoss had retweeted me a few times but never talked to me. like, are you trying to save the world or do you want to have a conversation. i think a conversation is more important.

the future seems so bleak. i feel like i'm dealing with a bunch of automatons. yeah this place is gay. im probably going to go back to twitter for journaling as soon as the dust clears from my previous suspensions. I also have a journal on my computer but i like to journal online because i know at least 1 person will read it even if i have 0 followers. that interaction makes my brain think about problems in a different way. it's like how you can solve problems better if you're talking to a friend. but it's weird if the people are connected to me or know me from somewhere else. I don't want them to know what i'm thinking.

I guess i'll put all my thoughts for the day in 1 post from mnow on so its less intrusive.

its crazy that even on the far right , the most far right that exists, people's level of radicalism is lacking. or they're totally radical but also mentally ill or stupid. i need to discuss politics at the deeper level with people. but they're either like out of their fucking minds or scared to talk about or think about the truth. The truth is important to me. It's a basis for everything else. Of course god and intuition is also important. the two are related. If i can't build a foundation of truth with a group of others i'm stuck in hell. i'm just spinning through the black cosmos because i don't have any power and my enemies can kill me if they want.

havin a grand ol time on the rp blog but fr some reason ppl are talking about that one stupid vanitas rper from 2015 & mnow. Mood numb :^|

Hard Times

We are all going through tough times regardless,for others is going great. For myself not really...I won’t be going to specifics but I just want to say how bad I’ve been feeling emotionally. You mnow how you act like you’re good but you’re really not...yeah that’s me right now and for my blog of UNFAIR this is really UNFAIR, it’s unfair what I’m going through, knowing I was never like this, I was such a happy young woman, who saw a future right in front, I am at a point that I can’t see a light down the tunnel, I trust God but I’ve been having spiritual fights with myself, this is not easy in any way and I don’t wish it not even for my worst enemy. Feeling yourself change to a complete different person and your personality shift really hard. Everybody please take care and get help as soon as you know you need it.

Get to know me tag

RULES: ANSWER THESE 92 (THERES 88 BUT) STATEMENTS AND TAG 20 PEOPLE.

I was tagged by @jaeminsanae (tysm im surprised be my friend please)

i dont have that many friends i’ll just try tagging blogs that i like and sorry if you have already done this :( @leanmeangreenbean (go ahead bitc) @jaeminnana @chittaphonsai @nctzen-ie and @jaeminsyeoja

THE LAST: 1. DRINK: water 2. PHONE CALL: my bestfriends sister 3. TEXT MESSAGE: aren’t you too short to date jinhwan 4. THE SONG YOU LISTENED TO: winner-really really 5. THE TIME YOU CRIED: pd101 final (IM STILL CRYING)

HAVE YOU: 6. DATED SOMEONE TWICE: no 7. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: no 8. BEEN CHEATED ON: god bless, no 9. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: once 10. BEEN DEPRESSED: everyfuckingday 11. GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: nope LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: blue, light blue and navy IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. MADE NEW FRIENDS: THE FIRST TIME I MADE FRIENDS ON MY OWN YES 16. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE: yes :( 17. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: frequently 18. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: no 19. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: nope 20. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: yea 21. KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: i dont use my facebook

GENERAL: 22. HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: am i supposed to count because hell no 23. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: my dad says 1 animal (lowkey talking about me) is enough for us so no (but you can buy me a husky if you wan to *winkwonk*) 24. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: nope 25. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY: dont remember so probably just stayed at home 26. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP: 11am 27. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: making plans about sneaking downstairs getting food and going back without getting caught with my friend 28. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: dinner? im hungry lol 29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: 4/5 days ago 30. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE: stop eating and start working out 31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING RIGHT NOW: oasis-24k amazing song %104 recommend 32. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: yes 33. SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: people stealing my food before asking i mEANITS MY FOOD 34. MOST VISITED WEBSITE: youtube

LOST QUESTIONS. br> 35. MOLE/S: i have like 10(?) i guess 36. MARK/S: I have this deep cut on my left thumb and no kne mnows whats it but i believe that i was a fighter in my last life 37. CHILDHOOD DREAM: eveRYBODY MAKES MISTAKES EVERYBODY HAS THOSE DAYS (hannah montana inspired me to become a singer :’)) 38. HAIR COLOR: light brown that my mom says it looks blonde under the sun , dont ever listen its fcking brown 39. LONG OR SHORT HAIR: looong 40. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: if cute korean guys count, yes 41. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: im honest 42. PIERCINGS: i got my ears pierced like a month ago but 1 of them is already closed only 3 left oops 43. BLOODTYPE: a positive 44. NICKNAME: mels, meltovski and some random shit that cant keep up with 45. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single whoop whoop 46. ZODIAC: sag 47. PRONOUNS: she/her 48. FAVORITE TV SHOW: i dont even watch kdramas lol 49. TATTOOS: none 50. RIGHT OR LEFT HAND: right 51. SURGERY: only once 52. HAIR DYED IN DIFFERENT COLOR: never dyed 53. SPORT: volleyball and table tennis 54. VACATION: im in vaxation rn and im going to greece in july 55. PAIR OF TRAINERS: 6,7?

MORE GENERAL 56. EATING: nutella 57. DRINKING: water 58. I’M ABOUT TO: explore the pd101 tag after posting this 59. WAITING FOR: jaemin lol 60. WANT: 61. GET MARRIED: i dont have an idea 62. CAREER: architect i hope 63. HUGS OR KISSES: hugs 66. LIPS OR EYES: eyes 64. SHORTER OR TALLER: im 168cm you decide 65. OLDER OR YOUNGER: younger??¿ 66. NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: stomach 67. SENSITIVE OR LOUD: an unfortunate mix of both 68. HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: relationship 69. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: both

HAVE YOU EVER: 70. KISSED A STRANGER: no 71. DRANK HARD LIQUOR: yes 72. LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: literally 3 days ago 73. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: yes 74. SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: nope 75. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: yes im sorry dude 76. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: nope 77. BEEN ARRESTED: nope 78. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: no 79. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 80. YOURSELF: nO 81. MIRACLES: no 82. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: no 83. SANTA CLAUS: no 84. KISS ON THE FIRST DATE: no??(not sure) 85. ANGELS: no

OTHER: 86. CURRENT BEST FRIENDS NAME:ece sasha hande and duygu @leanmeangreenbean 87. EYECOLOR: brown 88. FAVORITE MOVIE:idk

I believe in what I PRAY FOR. I believe in what I AFFIRM FOR MY LIFE...especially MY love love.

I don’t believe in what everyone else has to say about my standards for a man and husband.

I will never be with a man from the past. Ever. Why? Because of the lack of consideration for time and how precious it is... if a man really loves me, he would never let so much time go by. He would be fighting for me and for me to be in his life NOW. But none of them ever have. So they’re not allowed in after however many chances.

GrantAndrews FaceTimed me today with a bad connection... I was so disappointed that it didn’t connect. I love him with all of my soul... but technology seemed to fuck up at the worst time. This is why I believe in perfect timing. Because I’ve always been fucked with when it comes to what I really need and want. This is why I pray. Because I want things to work out with perfect timing.

If anyone follows my blog, they would know that to get a call finally from GrantAndrews is one of the most exciting things that could ever happen to me.

So I called him back frantically 8 times in a row lol 😂 I texted him back 2X and I wanted to hear from him so badly... I held back... maybe God didn’t even try to see just how much I wanted that... why? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because I was shocked and still am.

I think God and the universe maybe for once listened to my prayers that I pray through tears, but at the same time... he didn’t try to call me back... so I feel like it maybe was just false hope, a pocket dial, or his daughter??? Lol she can read now... haha 😂 so I wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to call.

Anyway, I guess with a bright heart about it, I carried on with a lot of hope throughout the rest of my day.

Now I feel like, I just want the person I’m actually supposed to be with. Because of it was GrantAndrews he would have called back. He’s super smart. I’ve had plenty of faith in him and the idea of us. But now I deserve to be happy.

So... I will be fought for... I will be chased, and given every bit of love and romance, loyalty, effort, sex, affection, and connection, and communication, from a man that fits my 100% of my perfect man list prayer. I will not settle for less anymore. I’ve been through enough.

The goal: “Happily ever after”... “Babies and marriage by the time I’m 35.” “To be spoiled, chosen, given unconditional love, and to be made a priority by this man.”

God can change his plan if he doesn’t agree with what I want in a man... because I’m not going to be with someone I’m not physically attracted to, and I’m never going to go backwards. I am never going to settle for a man who hasn’t righted all his wrongs with my family and me, and I’m never going to settle for a man who doesn’t give me every bit of effort that I’ve prayed and cried my eyes out about.

This is MY life. I am not my family... I don’t want to be. I am not my friends, coworkers, or clients. My love life has nothing to do with them. They can believe in what I want and pray for me which is super kind, but they have nothing to do with it... not even my dog has anything to do with my love life.

PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY... I MNOW MY WORTH, I HAVE A WALL UP THAT IS SO BIG AFTER GRANTANDREWS HURT ME PHYSICALLY, THAT ONLY THE MOST DEDICATED MAN AND PHYSICALLY PERFECT MAN FOR ME, THE MOST LOYAL MAN...THE MOST GENTLE MAN, THE MOST INCREDIBLE MAN, WILL EVER BE ABLE TO CLIMB OR TEAR DOWN FOR ME....

Such a horrible tragedy when you really thought it was someone you got to curl up to every day and night.... I love you GrantAndrews... but I’m letting you go because YOU GAVE UP ON ME... I CRIED MY EYES OUT LAST NIGHT, AND EVERY OTHER NIGHT AND ESPECIALLY CHRISTMAS...

I WILL ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE GOOD PARTS OF YOU IN THE MAN I WANT TO MARRY. BECAUSE YOU WERE ALL IF THE GOOD THINGS IN THE PRAYER LIST I CREATED.

This time you don’t get it easy GrantAndrews... this is your lesson to learn, not mine.

If he wants me, he will do anything it takes to have me be his for life and only his. He will go above and beyond to actually convince me I’m the only one he wants to spend all of our lifetimes with. The effort would be endless... he would give me everything I want when it comes to the marriage I want, the wedding I want, and the babies I want. Because that would right his wrongs.

He would start with my family before he even contacted me. He would call every one of them, write every one of them, or go see every one of them before he ever approached me. Only then would I believe he was truly sorry... and then we could start with coffee or a bang.