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thebachelordiaries · 5 years

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5 People Guaranteed To Bring The Drama On ‘Bachelor In Paradise’

I’ve been watching a lot of “Love Island USA” recently and it’s just isn’t doing it for me. These people are picky and have actual morals. It makes for terrible television.

The cast members don’t make out with each other constantly and there’s barely any drama or crying. I need to see lower standards, crabs and more trashy decisions being made. Thank goodness it’s almost Paradise!

Every year I choose which contestants I believe are the ones to watch. Whether intentional or not, these people are filled with drama. Unless you’re Blake, then you’re just filling people up with something else.

Blake

I’m really proud of Blake. After getting dumped by Becca, he went on a tour to bang every girl in the nation, including Bachelor Nation, and somehow came out STD free. It’s an impressive feat.

If you want to know the names of all the girls Blake banged, it’s listed out in the chorus of Petey Pablo’s “Freek-A-Leek.” If you listen closely enough, you can hear the names of Hannah G., Caelynn, Kristina and Tayshia. I know, I know. It’s hard to keep count of them all.

Luckily enough for Blake, they will all be easily accessible in Paradise! And as we all know, “every dog has its day,” and I’m thinking that day will happen for Blake very, very soon. Karma’s a beach, and he’s gonna get his in Paradise. :sunglasses emoji:

John Paul Jones

Here’s a pic of JPJ entering Paradise in a speedo. We don’t deserve him.

Remember when I called him a serial killer? JPJ, I am so sorry.

My favorite thing about JPJ is that he isn’t putting on a show for the cameras. I recently declared him the king of the normie-passing weirdos. We love our fearless leader.

My biggest fear is that JPJ won’t find a connection in Paradise and we’ll have to say goodbye to him prematurely. For the sake of America, SOMEBODY LOVE HIM!

Shakah brah.

Demi

Honestly Big Brother needs to get a new tagline because Demi is the poster child for “Expect the Unexpected.” Call me naive, but I really do believe change is coming in Bachelor Nation. Rachel Lindsay was our first black Bachelorette, and some fans (including myself) are campaigning hard for Mike to become the first black Bachelor. But silly little me never thought I’d see same sex couples on the show.

But then I see queer queen Demi in the “Bachelor in Paradise” trailer getting ready to propose to a woman. It’s everything I didn’t know I needed. But also, who is this mystery woman that Demi is in love with? Is she part of Bachelor Nation? I must know.

Chris Bukowski

This guy is a Bachelor Nation legend who may be a bit unknown to the franchise’s newer fans. Chris was on Emily Maynard’s season, “Bachelor Pad 3,” attempted to crash Andi Dorfman’s season (LOL I forgot about that), then went on Bachelor in Paradise seasons 1 and 2 before formally retiring from reality tv.

After attending “Reality TV addicts anonymous” seminars for the last few years, Chris broke his sober streak for our tv viewing pleasure. How selfless of him. Also, he’s like 20 years older than some of the cast, hence why he’s using a walker.

Dean’s mustache

The facial hair that rocked Bachelor Nation. With the phrase “dress to impress” in mind, Dean grew a mustache, forgot to bathe, and put on a dirty shirt he wore two years ago. He also lives in a van now.

Respect women, fellas. This could be you one day.

Even with that mustache, he’s STILL going to play someone. I just know it. Kristina will also be making an appearance, so maybe he will be able to do some moral inventory with her.

Oh, and here’s a pic of Dean combing his mustache to hold you over until tonight. I apologize in advance if you’re squeamish.

#bachelor in paradise #abc #photo credit ABC #blake horsttman #dean unglert #kristina schulman #hannah goodwin

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