good afternooon
my family’s toxic trait is thinking we know more about diy than ppl who...u know... know about diy. so we don’t google anything and we certainly never call anyone. and then we have the audacity to act shocked when ?? things break. ie me @ myself when my glass terrarium held up from the ceiling by string and sheer faith smashed on my floor this morning
or equally iconic that time my brother and i set up my ikea desk without instructions bc we thought they’d just complicate it so now my desk is three stacked pieces held together by a particularly hefty houseplant and a single piece of blue tack
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if i'm gonna die / i wish that i would just die
I have a goose egg on my temple, from when I blacked out and collapsed on the way to the bathroom last night. The second time I collapsed.
(((I don't even really know what I hit, but I remember hitting it.)))
The first time, I borked up my knee.
((My shoulder's bruised too, but I don't remember how that happened at all. Maybe when botked my knee?)))
I mostly made it before I made a mess to anything (but me obvs) but now my squat is unstable and that's like the second most important posture in my life, so that's probably gonna cascade fail later.
In case anyone was wondering how I'm doing which is both "bad" and "nothing I can take to the doctor". You'd think "blacking out twice on the way to the bathroom" would be an actionable symptom but it's not, I've tried.
I'm getting worse and I don't know *why* or from what or what to do but just... keep waiting until I get better like I always do or finally get to die, and I'm so. I'm so tired of this. I'm not even suicidal anymore I just want it to be over because haunting my own life like a ghost is just objectively hurting everyone.
(((I missed L's birthday. I wasn't even surprised. She probably wasn't either.)))
I am so bored of having nothing to talk about that's not bitching, but saying nothing leaves everyone with no context and it just looks like I'm ignoring you/them.
I'm not. I just literally don't even have words half the time, even if I wanted to speak which I don't.
(((I just want it to be over, either way, I give up, I don't care anymore.)))
Hope or optimism has never felt so much like a psychotic delusion designed to keep me placid; I remember last week feeling really content that I could do the things I needed done. I just had a good feeling.
None of them were. Just enough to not get in trouble when the landlords came in *again*. Can't trust my good feelings, only the premonitions of doom but without the power to do anything about it.
(((Just lie down and go back to sleep. Put on another video. Read a fic if your eyes can focus. Stare at the wall if they can't.)))
I feel like I'm being tortured, except that would at least have some meaning, but I'm broke from it anyway. Tag this shit #mind break
(((Just washed the sheets and they're already filthy again.)))
And the doctors would tell me there's nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong, there's nothing wrong, I'm just dying like a gothic horror female protagonist. Dying of wasting, dying of a frail constitution, dying of hysteria maybe. (At least consumption would be Something Real.)
Just let me finish one thing. Just one. Any one. I'm so close. I've been working so hard with the negative spoons I have, and more things fall apart, but I'm still so close. Just one, *please*.
(((It was such a waste to save me, should've let me die when I was still a person.)))
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