Sorry if you don't want to hear about this anymore, I do respect that and will understand if you don't want to answer this ask, but while I want to believe Amber there's one thing I'm stuck on that you seem the best person to ask about. I do understand that victims can be violent in self defence, but in the leaked tapes she gets angry at him for leaving arguments when they get physical, and tells him he should still come talk to her when she's throwing things. I'm struggling to understand how this could be self defence or not abusive in context.

cw for rape and domestic violence.

i’m actually happy to talk about this issue if people are willing to discuss it as politely and rationally as you are.

first i want to talk about perfect victims. the perfect victim myth has its roots back in the victorian era, when much of our modern understanding of gender and sexuality developed. at this period, women were were seen as essentially impotent, with no active sexual desire. a woman who exhibited a desire for sex was viewed as having a psychological disturbance. resistance to sex was not only considered normal, but actively encouraged. this meant that issues like spousal rape were not only legal, but completely normalized. if a woman was sexually assaulted in the 19th century and she did not obviously fight back- if she did not scratch, bite, scream, thrash, or otherwise have physical evidence of a struggle- it was generally assumed that she was complicit. this made sexual assault incredibly difficult, and i would venture to say generally impossible, to prove, especially if a woman was poor or a sex worker, or if a woman was raped within a marriage. physical violence against the spouse was also essentially legal: she was seen as her husband’s property, and her husband could do what he wanted to her. a “perfect” woman was meek, mild, submissive, and did not want sex, but she also submitted readily to to the will of her husband. you might ask how spousal submission fit with the standards for proving rape, since to be seen as rape a woman needed to actively fight back, something at odds with being a submissive wife. that’s where our modern issue starts to emerge: they are at odds. they are not meant to correspond, because a woman viewed as her husband’s property could not be raped by him. this brings us to the myth of the perfect victim. 

the five traits of the “perfect victim” were developed by jason b whiting. they include:

being weak/vulnerable

being involved in a respectable activity at the time of victimization

being blameless in all aspects of the interaction

being victimized by an obvious offender

being someone who doesn’t know the offender

the myth of the perfect victim is incredibly pervasive in our society. the issue of being see as weak and vulnerable is frequently what prevents men from reporting that they’ve been sexually assaulted, and that is an issue that is very important to me: my research as a theologian primarily deals with sex abuse within the catholic church, which overwhelmingly affects men and young boys, something i include to make it clear that i am not predisposed towards assuming that only women can experience assault. and such an area of interest does not even begin to touch on the overrepresentation of trans, gnc, and nonbinary people who experience assault (of which i am one) who are unable to report because they are not perfect victims. and this continues all the way down to being gay, or being a lesbian, or being bisexual. in that case we might also be able to broaden the myth of the perfect victim to a few other criteria: being cis, being straight, being white. 

i’m sure if you’ve followed how rape and domestic violence cases are treated in the justice system, or if you’ve had the misfortune of being involved in one, you’ll see some similarity between the standards of the 19th century and now. an article i read about the perfect victim summed it up very well: “you cannot be human:”

We are horrified when we hear the story of sexual violence, intimate partner violence or human trafficking — but when faced with the aftermath, we ostracize, marginalize and create an environment ripe for further abuse. (x)

a new problem i have noticed develop in a post-metoo society is that the myth of the perfect victim is being weaponized against victims, which is why i included the history of how it developed. you cannot apply the traits of the perfect victim to someone who is already a standard citizen who functions as dominant in their society. i’m not sure how i can make this clearer. maybe statistics will help:

1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence

1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner

1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence

1 in 10 women have been raped by an intimate partner

1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men in the United States has been raped in their lifetime (x)

in order to be victimized for not being the perfect victim, you must first be victimized by the society in which your victimization takes place. 

so let’s talk about amber heard and johnny depp.

johnny drop is twenty years older and twenty pounds heavier than amber heard. they met on the set of the rum diaries, which filmed in 2008, when amber heard had only recently arrived in hollywood. amber heard was born in 1986. johnny depp had, by in 1986, already starred in slasher hit a nightmare on elm street. he was just about to begin starring in 21 jump street. amber heard began being physically abused by him as early as 2012. their marriage did not end until 2016. and i believe those tapes are from 2015. i also want to use this opportunity to state explicitly that heard and depp divorced before the metoo movement around harvey weinstein developed, in 2017, which was the initiation of women being able to speak out against being raped and victimized by powerful men in hollywood. depp had already built a hollywood dynasty of famous friends and supports: heard is not so fortunate. there was not a climate safe enough for heard to have publicly accused depp of raping her prior to the metoo movement, and arguably current trends have shown that there is still no climate safe enough for victims of powerful men.

so after four years of abuse, which is now alleged to be have been extraordinarily violent, a relationship within which amber heard now says she was raped, you’re telling me that amber heard, in order to be the perfect victim, should have done nothing to defend herself? if a man who is 20 years older and 20 pounds heavier than you, who you know has physically beaten you in the past, is angry and coming towards you, what are you going to do? allow him to continue hitting you? or are you going to fight back? are you going to throw something to keep him off of you? reasonably yes. ah, but you love him! so you want him to not be violent with you. but in order to stem the violence, he needs to be in the same room- but he’s attacked you in the past. and here we have a situation where someone is throwing things while also asking someone to stay in the room with them.

perhaps it would be better if amber heard had simply allowed herself to get beaten black and blue by johnny depp so there would be more “evidence” that he was violent. as an actress whose career stems on her physical appearance it would have been perfectly reasonable for her to simply cower and not fight back while a man twenty years her senior punched and slapped her so there would be physical evidence. maybe if she was covered in bruises and physically injured, she wouldnt have been able to go to work in the first place, since heard alleges depp frequently became violent when she had jobs or an audition. maybe if she’d just given him what he wanted and stopped working altogether, she wouldn’t have been hit. 

but wait a minute, we actually do have physical evidence of depp hitting her! we have pictures of her leaving the la courthouse where she got her restraining order with a black eye (x), to say nothing of the evidence now being shown in court. but that’s not enough evidence, she clearly doctored those with makeup to look worse than they were. so i guess photographic evidence of his violence isn’t enough either. its his word against hers. and in a world where the white, cishet man is king, i wonder who people believe? 

of every 1000 sexual assaults, 975 perpetrators will walk free. of 1000 assault and battery cases, only 33 perpetrators will be imprisoned (x).

so everyone supporting johnny depp and calling amber heard a liar, i’d like to know: when it is enough? what needs to be done for people to believe a woman is being violently assaulted by a man? if she can’t fight back, if she’s accused of doctoring her bruises, if she’s accused of lying- what does she need to do to believed? because this is not longer just about amber heard. johnny depp’s friend, marilyn manson, who viciously abuse evan rachel wood during their relationship, is now suing her for libel as well. was evan rachel wood also lying? 

three women a day are murdered by their spouses in america. maybe a dead woman is the one telling the truth.

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