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togamzee · 2 years

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Waking up felt like hell. Or a dream. Something unreal he still couldn't fully take in and understand.

Why did he come here?

Juno sat up, holding his head in his hands. What about these cold and empty walls called to him? It beckoned him even in his mind and now he was here. In the flesh. Sitting on the same couch as he had all those years ago. It felt so much smaller now, the taste outdated, and he felt as if he couldn't even connect to the person who wandered through these rooms and halls. Where did he have to go mentally to end up right back here?

Existential dread and confusion aside, he absolutely had to shower. Hopefully the water hadn't been shut off.

Pulling himself from the couch, he let his body run on autopilot through the motions. Luck be damned, he was able to turn the shower on and get hot running water. What a blessing.

He didn't know how long he stood under that shower head. He tried to mind the stitching, pushing down the fact he would have scolded Izuru for this very same behavior. He'd likely have to redo them anyway.

Why am I here?

Why am I such a slut for punishment?

I didn't have to come here. Why am I here?

Because I'm a fucking idiot and I'm ruining my life.

Don't I want to ruin my life though? My perfect life?

I've ruined it before. How many more times do I get to get away with it?

She left though. She actually left me this time.

Okay, she didn't say she was leaving but how does that fucking mean anything when she's not here--

He shut the water off. He'd been done showering long ago anyway.

Some minutes later he found himself sitting at the table with the needle and stitches again. Deep breath. As he worked, he couldn't help but notice he was barely registering the physical pain. It didn't take long to finish anyway.

The silence was so thick in this place.

It was cold. Obviously, with no heat in the dead of winter. Juno wasn't sure how long he'd stay. He wasn't sure what to do or what to think. All he wanted was her.

He stared at the snake tattoo wrapping around his arm. Events like that...were so much easier to manage. He rubbed at the ink that covered the scar and silently wished he had opted to cut all his limbs off instead of causing this unforgettable emotional wreckage between himself and her. Really, he didn't think there was a way to fix it.

We are not fixable creatures, you and I.

Juno bit his lip as her words crept back into his mind. He got up from the table, walking back to where he had thrown his bag and his clothes and reached into the pocket of his jeans for the letter. He grabbed it and sat back down on the couch to reread it.

It did not fail to make him cry again.

There was so much he needed to say to her.

Did he have a right to find her? To beg and plead with her not to stay away from him forever, to come back home and let him make her feel safe and secure in order to rip that comfort away in a new and inventive way down the line? Again? And again, and again, and again until he killed her? Was that right?

No matter what she said, or how he felt, he knew with the little bit of sense left in his bones that it was wrong of him to ask that of her.

Of anyone.

That's why he sat here in this abandoned house. Of the person who made the right decision in regards to him.

His chest was on fire. The tears didn't stop.

How could he face her? How in his right mind could he look into her beautiful and perfect eyes and say "be mine till I decide our time is done?"

Whether it was exhaustion from the lack of food, concussion, lack of sleep, whatever it may have been, Juno found himself in the same house he left as soon as he closed his eyes. That was...a sick joke teed up by what he did internally.

The difference being he wasn't alone here.

Strong arms wrapped around him and he nearly felt his heart and mind shatter in the instance.

Fuck, how many times could he cry physically, and here, too?

Sadao didn't let him go. His silence wasn't heavy, his presence was strong and unwavering and Juno slowly returned the hug as his tears turned to sobs.

"You'll be alright."

Juno partially recognized this made up world in his mind and this moment in time was just a replacement for the validation and acceptance he didn't receive from his brother, but...rationality and countless years of therapy aside, this would do.

"I...can't go back to her like this, Sadao, I can't go back to her like this--I can't ask her to love me like this--"

Sadao's grip did not ease as he shook his head.

"You already have asked it of her. Where did she ever say her feelings for you changed? They didn't. They won't. She's obviously scared and wants you to prove that you weren't kidding about finding her. You did fuck up and hurt her in one of the worst ways you know how. It felt like betrayal. You have to see it how she does."

The tears slowly eased. And stopped altogether.

Juno pulled back to look at him. He felt his breath hitch again.

"I'm sorry."

Sadao smiled, just for a moment. "I know. Seems like you needed me after all, right?"

He really could keep crying. So much bottled up resentment for this entity he created had been kept under wraps, exploding once and now he felt he could finally let it go. It wasn't Sadao's fault he functioned as his own person. Any and all grievances beforehand paled in comparison to the relief and peace his acceptance brought him now.

"I did."

Juno pulled him in again, whispering a thank you before he opened his eyes the following morning.

Food. Water. Literally, the bare minimum of basic self care was on the agenda for today.

He commended himself for the lack of painkillers he had taken. Whether or not that was an actual accomplishment was debatable, but experiencing the consequences of his actions was something he felt pretty strongly about right now.

He woke up, showered, got dressed, and put his hair up.

He got breakfast at the local diner.

He went to the store and got a pack of water and some sort of snack foods.

He thought about stopping to get a new phone. But something in that idea said you're not going to find her and get yours back? Which was absolutely not the case. He had to find her.

Where to look, though?

The fact she had left him with no directions, no clues, no phone, no way to locate her...really, it was genius. Did she intend to put him to the test like this? Or did she intend to--

Fuck.

She really may not want to be found.

That idea shook him to his core. He was horrified at the thought he may really not be able to find her, or if he did, he would only find her body and maybe another hopeless note or worse, nothing at all--

Breathe.

Okay.

Taking one last look around the house, he wracked his brain for any idea, any clue, anything she had said recently or a message he hadn't looked enough into...there was nothing. It made his head hurt.

He locked the door after grabbing the small amount of things he had taken and sat in the front seat of the car for far too long. Where was he going?

...Well. Where had he gone?

He went back. Back somewhere that meant something to him. Somewhere he needed to sit an experience old emotions to help deal with this new wave of terror he brought on.

...She had taken him somewhere before, too.

It was a hunch. But it was really all he had.

Up to another snowy forest top it'd have to be.

By the time he arrived at the lodge it was night. He wouldn't be able to make it to the waterfall like this...and he silently hoped she wasn't there. Especially now in the dark and the cold and--

Fuck, he had to relax.

Juno entered the rustic little spot and walked calmly over to the female receptionist. She had a kind air about him that eased his mind. He wanted to ask if she had seen her, but the thought of opening that search right now...he wasn't sure if he'd be able to rest after it. Instead, he got a room on the second floor for the night.

He had a feeling it was Alois' turn next.

In his cabin this time.

The white haired boy hadn't looked at him yet. He sat in the chair by the window, staring out at the snow.

"Take this feeling back from me. Please."

Still, he didn't look over.

"Alois. Please."

Juno saw his expression twist, teeth gritted together and tears brimming in his ice colored eyes.

"Why are you such a coward? Why do you force me to stomach all your perverted suffering? I thought it was for real this time, I thought finally at last we were going to get what you wanted, you were gonna do this and complete your journey instead you get to shelf it on me again!"

Alois flung out of the chair, storming up to Juno and punching at his chest. "You created me to shoulder your despair and I did! I did! I did for years and you finally take it back from me only to make me hold onto it again? What's the point? Are you the only one who gets to do what he wants all the time? I get to be the villain in your head again and everyone else's head too, cause you'll just twist it like it's my fault?"

Alois kept punching, though there was no real strength to them. After a few more, he faltered, falling to his knees and sobbing into his hands. His voice quieted.

"...Everyone...everyone gets to experience some degree of fulfillment. What do I get? I--I know I'm just supposed to be you and the embodiment of what you want and I am! I try so hard to do it well. I do it for you."

Juno knelt down, gently petting the smaller boy's hair. His heart felt so heavy.

"I didn't know you felt like this. I'm sorry, Alois."

The boy sniffled, and halfheartedly swatted Juno's hand away. "Don't pity me. I'm gonna have to suck it up and be the evil you need me to be no matter what. I don't have a real choice. I understand it. I told you I understand the rules of this place and that's true." He stared up at Juno, tears still flowing. "You're the worst kind of god. You're impossible to hate. No one ever hates you no matter how badly you sink your teeth into their necks and drain the life from them."

He stood, slowly, wiping his tears on his sleeve. Juno bit at his lip, but stood up to face him as well.

"I don't know what to do for you, Alois. But I need this. I have to find her and I have to repair what I've done."

A little hiccup. Another sniffle. "You're evil. I told you I don't have a choice."

Alois took Juno's hands in his, and Juno wanted to say more before his eyes opened again and sunlight streamed in through the window.

He'd have to settle things with Alois later. If he ever could. But now, now that he was awake and conscious and clear...

All he could think of was finding Izuru.

He made quick work of getting ready and putting on some proper hiking gear. His mind started working too quickly at the thought of her out there in her normal sweater and boots, and leggings, and she'd be cold and alone and--

Breathe, dumbass.

He grabbed his stuff to take back out to the car.

Staring out at the path before him, he knew he'd have to remember the way that he followed her all those years ago. Before he had so much as let himself kiss her and fall into the hypnotic trance he couldn't leave, even now.

Ice and snow crunched under his boots. Determination masked the feeling of fear and uncertainty that kept churning in his brain. And the second he saw those footprints, much smaller than his, familiar to him, he picked up the pace and found himself staring at a waterfall scene frozen in time.

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