#because here I am sitting on this creaky futon unable to understand anything anyone is saying to me bc my hearing is so bad
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I’m fucking disabled
#I had this conversation with my therapist last week. I’ll give you the secret HIPAA breaking rundown#I HATE calling myself disabled#I don’t know why. there’s no shame in it. it’s just ya know it’s just what I am#but I still can’t get it into my head that yes I’m kinda fucking disabled#because here I am sitting on this creaky futon unable to understand anything anyone is saying to me bc my hearing is so bad#it’s a bad hearing day! it happens! some days are good! today is very much not so good!#so I told my therapist I’m way cool with telling people I have mental health issues#but when it comes to hearing it’s ‘oh no I’m not REALLY disabled. I just uhhhhh can’t uhhh fuckin hear sometimes 🤷🏻♂️ that’s normal right?’#and he’s like no my sweet boy you are disabled you need to own that shit#okay… he didn’t say it like that but this is my flashback please let me have this#let me be a sweetie boy in my own mind#he said it’s usually the reverse: people don’t like to admit mental health issues but will mention physical disabilities#I just… I spent 30 something years with great hearing and then it all just got taken from me out of the blue and no one knows why#and I hate that. I’m so angry. I’m so fucking angry and scared and alone#and I hate admitting that yes I am disabled. like really disabled. it feels like defeat.#and it shouldn’t. like I said it’s just kinda what I am now. It’s like saying I breathe or I’m allergic to birds. it just is me.#sorry I’m just having a rough day#I got about an hour of sleep and now I’m holding down the fort while a home inspector and the new buyer look through the house#and I can’t talk to either of them. I can’t understand them talking to each other. it’s isolating.#I have therapy later and I’m hoping I’ll be able to communicate and hear during it. I really just need someone to talk to#I miss talking to people in person. I can still do that it just can take a bit of work and I hate subjecting people to putting up with me#I feel so needy. I just want some human connection. I want to know I can still make this work.#gosh this is whiny. sorry about that. just needed a quick vent to get me through the next few hours#anyway I love you. probably. maybe… ehhh#you can ignore this#text
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