been a busy day ;;; and i am VERY tired but i have to stay up. its a Struggle.

Brain rot rant

Journaling is good for u right???

I'm so stressed out by literally everything all the time and simultaneously absurdly depressed and my brain just straight up doesn't work anymore anyway it's my day off and I'm hoping talking through my stressors and what I need to get done today might help. Please don't even read this lol

The thing is that these are tricky tasks for me because they involve making decisions I just don't feel ready to make lol

1.) Plan trip back home next week - four days to see everyone you know from your past life. Some of them are crazy though and tbh you'd rather just Not but you don't wanna be a total dick. You also have to drive your unregistered uninspected car up there for six hours and, assuming you make it there without breaking down or getting pulled over, sell it once you get there bc long story short your ex sucks and refuses to transfer the title of Your Goddamn Car. Also a bit of an oversight on your part not taking care of this sooner but you had no idea it would be an issue bc no one tells you how to deal with any of this shit life throws at u

2.) You're broke. that's not new really, you're just as broke as you've always been. You lent all your savings to your crazy even broker friend so she wouldn't be homeless and you're just praying she can pay u back soon. She's driving u nuts and being weirdly rude to the point where u want to cut her off but u need that money and honestly, u need a friend. Bummer! At least your debt is paid off I guess.

3.) JOBS!! Every spare minute I be stressing about jobs. That's right, we're switching narration styles rn. My current job sucks obv, it's minimum wage and is just enough to keep me afloat if I work enough hours to make me crazy, which is anything over like 20 hours tbh bc the workload/responsibilities/physical labor is a lot. There is v little management so when I'm training people and shit I have to make like executive decisions constantly and I was barely trained myself so obv the job isn't rocket science but there are no guidelines for anything and it's exhausting. This ain't my circus and I ain't getting paid enough to care about it tbh. Plus all the new ppl keep burning out quickly bc the job sucks. Anyway so with whatever's left of me I'm trying to find something better, some kind of office job or at least a new local job where I would probably do half the work.

-Have this event that I have to schedule for my current job that I've been putting off as long as possible bc I keep telling myself I'll be outta here in like a month. It's been rescheduled like four times for various reasons lol. I don't wanna go!!!

-I should be hearing back from one local job today or tomorrow and they're probably gonna hire me and then I have to Decide!!! Agh!!! This job will probably be more socially stressful but is SO close to home and I know that walking to work rn will ease my anxiety a lot for some reason.

-i have to send my schedule to this other local job and I totally forgot I was going on vacation next weekend bc time is flying by and I'm taking it day by day. Ack!! I also just feel weird about this job I can't tell why exactly. Email will read: Dear job, sorry I don't look at calendars I guess!!

-this job in the city has reached out to me twice so I should really respond today but it pays only slightly more than my current job and is part time, so who knows what that means. Is it even worth it?? Can I even afford to be picky after a year long extremely discouraging job search??

-no word from last week's interview, probably bc I couldn't convince them or myself that I'd be happy there tbh oops.

Just wanna crawl into bed, not have to talk to a soul, and then die lmao!!