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babygirlblogging-lise-blog · 5 years

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My First

I failed my driving test.

That was in the fall of 2017, I was a senior in high school. All of my friends were getting their licenses and cars while I was stuck being a passenger. The woman who failed me thought I wasn’t confident enough. Like damn, can’t even be nervous without being penalized these days huh? She failed me for the most ridiculous shit. But that has nothing to do with the story I plan on telling.

A few weeks before my eighteenth birthday I tried again. This was something I needed to do before I turned 18. Giving up wasn’t an option. There was no way I wanted to retake my written if I didn’t pass before I was considered a legal adult. The guy who tested me this time? He was fine as hell and now that I think about it, I was supposed to text him when I turned eighteen. I lost his number, sadly. But that also has nothing to do with the story. I want to tell you the story about the first guy I-

-’ve always been cheap. I was ten when my aunt was going to get a new car. I convinced her to save her old car for me so that when I started driving I wouldn’t have to buy a car. By the end of the summer of 2017, my grandpa fixed up the old car and I was all good to go. Free to go wherever I wanted. I no longer had to wait around for people, waste money on lyfts or walk. So naturally, I took myself on adventures.

One night, against my better judgement. I lied to my mom and said I was going to hang out with my friends. If I would have told her what I was really going to do, she would’ve gone into over protective mode and I didn’t want that. I just wanted some time to myself. I drove over the bridge and into Philly. Not for a concert or any other event. I just wanted some me time. I parked my car. Got oreo ice cream and sugar cookies from Insomnia Cookies and walked around the city.

Not going to lie and say I knew exactly where I was at all times. I wasn’t even guaranteed that I was safe, I wasn’t focused on my surroundings. All I know is I was somewhere around Broad Street, because that’s where Insomnia Cookies was located. I came across this huge, gorgeous building, I’m not very good at names. Everything was lit up and there was art on the sides of some of the buildings surrounding it. There was even a fountain in front of it all. The scene just looked so beautiful. I walked across the street, hopped up on a ledge and just took it all in. It felt serene, even with so many people flooding the sidewalks. I sat and continued eating my snacks, I was enjoying clearing my head. Until someone interrupted me that is…

“Hey.” I looked up to see a cute guy. There were a few girls not too far from me talking. It was the beginning of August, late at night but still pushing eighty degrees. Of course they were clad in clothes that left nothing to the imagination. I figured he was talking to them. Guys like the ones who look easy. He couldn’t have been talking to me. So I went back to dipping my cookie into my ice cream and admiring the scenery. I didn’t really acknowledge the fact that he moved a little closer to me. He said hey again and I finally looked up at him directly, before looking around. He laughed a little. “I don’t blame you for being that into ya snacks. I love their shit. But I’ve been trying to get your attention for a minute.” Yep, he’s definitely talking to me. I was confused as to why though. I get hit on by guys pretty often, I know I’m not ugly but with him talking to me, I felt extremely insecure. Suddenly I wished that I had dressed a little better. I looked like a child for fucks sakes. I was wearing a gold fish shirt, black tights, a hat that said “Hoodrats” and Chucks. I was even swinging my legs off the ledge, eating ice cream!

He introduced himself as Dey. I wanted to know the name his mom gave him so I asked him for his full name. Ayinde. Pronounced Uh-zhen-day. Unique. It has African origins. He told me that my name was almost as pretty as I was. If I were white, I definitely would have blushed. I didn’t understand why he made me feel so shy.

I learned that he was mixed with Irish, Haitian and Cuban. Interesting mix, I know. Despite his slight baby face, he turned out to be 20. He was tall, about 6’1. He had taken his hat off to redo his ponytail, he tied his curly, brown hair back into a man bun. He was light skinned with a slight tan. Doe brown eyes paired with the cutest smile. He was dressed in all black, I would’ve been a little concerned if it weren’t for the logo on his hat. I could see a tattoo peeking out from under his short sleeved shirt. Just my type.

I was tired of the small talk and beating around the bush. “Why’d you come over here to talk to me?” Instead of replying, the douche just smiled and then hopped up on the ledge next to me. It was weird. I was supposed to be having me time, if any other guy did this I would’ve been rude. I wouldn’t have given them the time of day. I wasn’t even afraid, Ayinde strangely made me feel safe. Something was telling me to give him a chance, instead of shutting him down.

“Well, I was on break, I work across the street.” He points to a small cafe. “I saw you walk by and… I don’t know I thought you were beautiful. Now that I’ve gotten closer, it seems so effortless. No make up and you’re not even dressed up.”

Shit, I have no clue what to say to this. He’s been nice and respectful. “Thank you.” Well, that was lame but it was safe. We talked more before he had to go back to work. He was funny as hell, we both had the same rude, dark, sarcastic humor. He complimented me pretty often and he seemed kind of bummed that he had to leave once his break was over.

“Why don’t you grow some balls and just ask me what you wanna ask me.” I thought to myself, I should be a fucking actress. I’m great at faking confidence.

He laughed and just smiled at me for a second. “Well, I would like to get to know you more. Can I get your number?”

You know when you give someone your number, you almost expect them to wait days or weeks to text you. Surprisingly, Ayinde texted me that night.

AYINDE: hey beautiful, u get home safely?

ME: Oh shit, I see u found ur balls!

AYINDE: lol yea yea yea. I know I was acting like a pussy earlier but that’s not how I usually am

***

AYINDE: FT me? I haven’t seen u since we met punk

ME: No I look crazy rn

AYINDE: Is tht even possible? I think you’re cute af

ME: aww thanks but everyone’s entitled to their own insecurities

AYINDE: Ig but that’s y u need me

ME: wym?

AYINDE: to take away your insecurities

ME: Doubt that’s possible

AYINDE: try me

***

ME: entertain meee! I’m bored, stuck at my great grandma’s house :(

AYINDE: I literally just woke up, still in bed

ME: Luckyyy, my head’s fucking killing me

AYINDE: wish I could help

ME: me too lol do u have superpowers?

AYINDE: no, do u?

ME: Nah I’m not tht awesome

AYINDE: I think ur pretty awesome

Ayinde and I got closer over the next month. We hadn’t actually seen each other after the first time we met. He worked crazy hours and still had school. I worked everyday and had school as well. Plus, I wasn’t completely comfortable meeting up with a guy I didn’t really know. He understood that. He always made sure I was comfortable before we did anything. He eventually convinced me to facetime him… a lot... and when we didn’t he acted like a big baby.

ME: u happy now?

AYINDE: lol no

ME: y not -_-

AYINDE: I got nothing pretty to look at now

ME: whose fault it tht?

AYINDE: idk. Do u kno?

ME: Lol yea ik

AYINDE: tell me

ME: yours :P

AYINDE: well if u came over we wouldn’t have this problem

I was a very late bloomer. I knew freshmen girls who got pregnant, meanwhile I hadn’t had my first kiss until I was 16. I didn’t start dating until 17. I was a fresh 18 and I was still a virgin. I waited a while to tell him because I liked him and didn’t want to scare him off. But he surprised me, I learned that he wasn’t like other guys. Most guys only want you for one thing. And that’s to get them off. Not all are gonna be lovey dovey when you’re not putting out.

ME: I hate being a girl. I think my uterus just exlpoded. Im dying

AYINDE: Aww u can’t die yet, I havent taken u out yet

ME: wut do u want from meee

AYINDE: I told u what I want

ME: hmmmm

AYINDE: i didnt?

ME: u could have an ulterior motive

AYINDE: lol what? Ayo y cant I just think ur gorgeous and want to get to kno u, find out who u r

***

He was very protective of me. Anytime I even looked a tiny bit sad or sounded off, he was ready to beat someone up for me.

AYINDE: ur awake?

ME: Yea just woke up on some bs

AYINDE: u good?

ME: yea im ok lol

AYINDE: u sure? I’ll fuck someone up

ME: lol yea im good now

And as the oldest, always looking out for my little brothers and my friends. It felt good to have someone looking out for me for a change.

***

ME: I move into college tmw nd I aint pack shit yet

AYINDE: ur bugging

ME: Pack 4 me?

AYINDE: lol ill pass

ME: my back hurts like all hell, some of this shit is heavy

AYINDE: what u carrying…?

ME: 4 one, I hav a lot of clothes, they add up nd I had to take em downstairs

AYINDE: lol whoakay wittle wone

ME: fuck u, this shit weighs more than me! I almost fell down the stairs!

AYINDE: thts cuz ur like 87 lbs

ME: Aye! Give me my props, im like 120

AYINDE: lol i see u killa

I fucking loved when he called me that, made me feel invincible.

Despite how it seems this isn’t a love story. This isn’t a memoir about me finding my first love. Bleh. That’s so sappy. I want to tell you about the first time I stepped out of my comfort zone. You’ve experienced a snippet of our relationship. Ayinde and I were never together. We were just people who met at the wrong time. Had too much going on in our separate lives to focus on developing a relationship. But it didn’t stop us from pursuing the unique friendship we had. For years we maintained contact, I’d visit him pretty often but we always kept our distance when it came to personal things. We used each other as escapes from our realities. We were each other’s vacation after a long week.

One night we were hanging out and things got more heated than they usually did. I wasn’t prepared to take the next step with anyone. No worries, I’m not about to make you uncomfortable and talk about how I lost my virginity because that isn’t the point. Before I say anything, I did have a great childhood. But some things did leave me scarred, I struggled with intimacy as a result. To make a long story short, it makes me self conscious, not something I’ll flaunt for the whole world to see.

I’m the type of girl who will wait until the bathroom is empty to change my pad or start going to the bathroom. If it’s too busy, I’ll wait all day until I go home. In the locker room, I’d find the farthest corner or wait until all the girls leave to change my clothes. I’m not comfortable being alone around men. I used to clench my pocket knife in my hand when I walked home alone at night. The list goes on.

The point of this memoir is to tell about the first time I felt completely comfortable in my own skin. Let alone, around a guy.

They were everywhere. Trailing from my neck and back up against mine. His lips were distracting. I could barely focus. Let alone notice that the both of us were wearing less and less clothing by the minute. I stopped.

I wouldn’t be able to handle him not liking what he saw. What if I did a bad job? What if he stopped talking to me?

“Do you want me to stop?” Ayinde pulled back from me looking concerned. He looks so cute right now. I kind of wanted to pick up where we left off.

“Ye-No. It’s just, can you turn the lights completely down?” He liked his room dim, not too bright or dark. It was normally perfect but at that moment, they were making this situation turn into a nightmare.

“Um, why? What’s wrong?” He’s still hovering above me. I didn’t really want him to move. I bit my lip, contemplating.

“Just don’t look at me any differently. Okay?” I pulled him down by the back of his neck and kissed him hard. Hoping that my issues with myself wouldn’t be a big deal, I’ve never gone this far with anyone.

When the time came. I held my breath. Okay, I see my pants on the floor near the dresser. My shirt is near the door. I was locating my clothing so that I’d be able to leave quicker. I’m not really one to feel embarrassed but this was going to be borderline humiliating if I wasn’t enough for him. This reminded me of how I felt when I failed my driving test, but I wanted to do this with Ayinde. I didn’t want to quit just because I hadn’t grown the balls to show anyone else. I didn’t want to miss out because I was nervous as to what he might think. I had to at least give him a chance.

What Ayinde did shocked me. Instead of being grossed out or losing his hard on. He didn’t ask any questions, he didn’t say anything. He kissed every part of my body and when he was done he leaned down to kiss my lips. I was worried, about him seeing all of me, for no reason. He wound up giving me the confidence I needed to be comfortable in my own skin. He told me what I needed to hear from a guy that I was into, not my parents:

“You’re beautiful.”

And just like that... I didn’t have anymore insecurities.

#insecure #short story

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