#arduous route' then it's fine. i knew i shouldn't have asked for help to begin with. i just sometimes want to believe there's someone there
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try to calm down and have a good time but then it’s like shit goes downhill sooo fast if i’m not overthinking everything. like UGH look what my trust has gotten me! god i hate relying on people.
#i just got too TIRED!!!!! i’m stressed and exhausted and i slipped a few times and now i already know my options have narrowed to one.#every time i have to rely on my parents the Worst Case Scenario happens. the thing i’m absolutely trying to avoid at all costs is what they#sabotage me into doing. i’m so fucking tired!!!!! i can’t rest for a second!!!!! god i’m such an idiot#whatever. whatever. how many times have i had to start my life over from scratch? it's not like it's fucking new.#but u know what. that means i'm tossing all my goddamned sketchbooks. photos too. they can come out here + see what's#worth salvaging#you think my life is so temporary it isn't worth anything at all? you come out here and sort it out.#jk i'm gonna just tell them to forget about it all and i'll figure it out on my own. sometimes i guess i ask for help + it's the wrong move#if i just think a little more on my own and say 'nobody else exists so i'll have to make the sacrifices on my own and take the long#arduous route' then it's fine. i knew i shouldn't have asked for help to begin with. i just sometimes want to believe there's someone there#who can help me. i think i just get weak sometimes. i want someone to care when i'm scared and have no knowledge about#what steps i have to take to do something#if i just let myself be scared alone but not fall into a total doom spiral then i can eventually pull myself out by researching#i just need to remember that. everything takes work and sacrifice but it's better than making some kind of deal.
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