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Cheers and Hiccups - May 7, 2023

I'm feeling incredibly proud of myself. Here's a beautiful list of why:

I'm signing my second publishing deal tomorrow at 10am. I'm so proud of myself for this one. The positives waves signing this will have on my life are going to be amazing.

I felt banging in a swim suit the other day - ass included. I don't know if I've ever looked in the mirror and actually liked the way my ass looked in a swim suit, so this was pretty cool. I think I'm just generally being nicer to myself and my body lately, and I think I literally look fitter as a result.

Tomorrow is 2 weeks of no drinking. There have been a couple of moments where I thought, "You could just have one..." but I'm really glad I've stuck with it. Curious to see how long I hold out. Currently have no real desire to drink aside from the social confidence it can give me. But I'll figure that out. It's a cool experiment to go out sober honestly.

I'm moving my body more consistently than I ever have I think. The whole not going two days in a row without moving has been a really helpful rule of thumb. If I don't work out one day, I plan my next day around getting movement in. I also have done evening workout a few times since I started this which I would normally never do. Love an occasional sunset hike or night run to mix things up.

Since starting Prozac, I truly haven't spiraled once. I'm feeling more in control of my emotions and my responses to life. I'll get upset about things, sure, but I truly never let it completely take me over the way that I always used to. It's like...I just know that the feeling will pass. That the moment will pass. That it'll all settle again eventually. So I can take this time to freak the fuck out - or I can feel the feeling and then start walking back towards center.

I've been snacking less and drinking more water. I went a little crazy there for a second ordering a bunch of candy and snacks and stuff. Honestly, I still ordered myself a slurpie and a gatorade last night. Also ate a bag of popcorn - but I actually don't feel too bad about popcorn as a snack. I think I could eat that everyday if I wanted. But while I was home, I made my Florence Omelet (yes, I just named it that), those chicken tacos and salmon with broccoli.

I've been taking my vitamins everyday for almost three weeks. My vitamins really are just my multivitamin, my Prozac and my hair and nails gummies. But then I also do my Meta-C with it. I'd like to add lion's mane in there. Maybe it would be worth getting a fish oil pill or something? Magnesium? Maybe I should do some research. Anyway, I'm fucking doing it. I'm taking my vitamins everyday like an adult. And it feels really good and makes me really proud.

I started a 7 day pilates challenge today, tried to lift Missy's 10lb weights for a bit, listened to a Daily Jay AND started a 7 day meditation course on the Calm app. I be tryin' some new shit! Realized I'd gotten charged for Calm and decided to just give it a go. It was really relaxing. Did the Jay one first and I actually really loved the message. Talked about fitting in vs belonging. I can really relate to that lately. Felt good to compare those different dispositions over the last couple weeks in different scenarios and being able to feel how much better it feels to simple be and belong and not have to try to change yourself to be whatever everyone else might want or need you to be. The pilates video was great. I actually really liked it. The instructor in the video is TINY and ripped, and I did find myself wishing I looked more like her, but you know what I also did? I thought, "I wouldn't want to be that skinny. Honestly. I like that I have an ass and a little meat on my bones." And that felt cool.

I bought a shit ton of fruit today for about 20 bucks. Ricky said last night that I should try snacking on fruit as a candy substitute, so I went and got some apples, bananas, sumo citrus & a big pack of little sweet plums. I could easily eat all of this in the next couple days, but I bet it could last me through to the weekend.

I actively tried to reach out to those two apartments today. I sent a handful of requests on Apartments.com, called the numbers, one of em twice, signed up for the text service, and then literally drove to them to try to get to the front office and talk to a real person. Granted - I wasn't able to get a hold of anyone haha. But I've now ruled those two out and am that much closer to finding my next home.

Here are a couple things I'm struggling with and would like to work through:

My skin is pretty angry right now. I know it's got to be from all of the candy I was eating. My period feels like an obvious culprit as well. Plus, I was in a different state, getting proper sun on my face for a few days. All this to say, all will be well. My skin will clear up. I've been drinking water like crazy and eating a lot healthier. I'm gonna add this to my list of things I'm proud of myself for.

I'm a little anxious about finding an apartment... But honestly, that's normal. Anyone who was in between homes would be stressed. And that's a common thing. You're going to find an apartment. You're going to be able to afford it. It's going to be fucking magical. She's somewhere out there right now waiting for me. The thing I kind of want to talk through more is the fact that most place require you to make three times the rent each month and that won't be possible for me. They'll also want paychecks for a few months back and I won't be able to provide that. But you know what, I'd just keep walking forward. I'd just call someone up and explain my situation and take the steps I need to take to get the answer I desire. All will be well.

Should I try to room with a couple girls? I'm honestly just not sure on this one. I don't want to, but if it was cheaper and easier to get approved, I could be open to it. I'd just need to not be afraid to make it my space too.

حسِّن تواصلك في الوقت الفعلي مع مدرب الكلام الذي يعمل بالذكاء الاصطناعي تاكد انك مشترك في القناة 💯 ومفعل الجرس عشان يوصلك كل جديد 🔔 وما تنساش تعمل لايك للفيديو 👍 نشرك للمقطع هو اكبر دعم ممكن تقدمه لي ... https://bit.ly/3jp25bA أتمنى أن ينال الشرح أعجابكم ...................................................................... https://bit.ly/3N9F3OH https://bit.ly/3ux7pwI شير مشاركة #BIMarabia اشترك في القناة لمتابعة الشروحات الجديدة videos https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZYaOLTtPmOQX1fgtDFW52Q?sub_confirmation=1 بيم ارابيا https://bit.ly/1TSqEbr ❤️ رابط الاشتراك في القناة https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZYaOLTtPmOQX1fgtDFW52Q?sub_confirmation=1 ❤️ روابط التواصل ✅ انستجرام https://bit.ly/2JY3wZP ✅ الفيسبوك https://bit.ly/3AcrQBO ✅ تويتر https://twitter.com/bimarabia ✅ لينكد ان https://bit.ly/2nqASDv ✅ قناة التلجرام https://bit.ly/3bu9Pod ✅ الموقع الالكتروني الشخصي https://bit.ly/3N9F3OH https://bit.ly/3suwyqU https://bit.ly/3bEr3zh augmented reality https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9c5h0X-Kqw&list=PLNMim060_nUKpt2st91YUPa7BqWd0U2eb open source مفتوحة المصدر https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNYyejjLa-s&list=PLNMim060_nUK6qoVzrpjLucG_aBNaz_Ny revit workshop ورشة عمل ريفيت https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FIZBNN7CLk&list=PLNMim060_nULOxkcpmsGdaRXRnEj7rmGC OPEN STREET MAP https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKHnpu5birw&list=PLNMim060_nUJBibv97w-SfqGMjQCDc6xT المدن الذكية https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nGsbGafZ6c&list=PLNMim060_nUKxO8GJj5c-9POTgiCfOdmE الاستدامة https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_dma-4wOJU&list=PLNMim060_nUKIQ9OEPA5xGjQ471AQyp3F AppSumo يبحث البحث عن المنتجات بيع على AppSumo تسجيل الدخول عربة التسوق برمجة الدورات والتعلم القوالب موارد إبداعية احصل على لافتة أفكار تجارية مجانية احصل على أفكار أعمال مجانية برمجة عمليات إنتاجية متوازن متوازن صفقة مدى الحياة حسِّن تواصلك في الوقت الفعلي مع مدرب الكلام الذي يعمل بالذكاء الاصطناعي صورة مميزة كل ما يتطلبه الأمر هو نكتة محرجة أو مزحة أب في غير محله لتخرج اجتماعًا عن مساره عن طريق الخطأ. ( "لقد أخبرت نكتة على Zoom - لم تكن مضحكة حتى من بعد." ) كونك متواصلاً أفضل يهيئك للنجاح ، لكن ليس من الواقعي طلب التعليقات بعد كل عرض تقديمي ومقابلة ومكالمة هاتفية. لو كان هناك مدرب حديث يعمل بنظام الذكاء الاصطناعي يمكنه مساعدتك على التحدث بثقة ووضوح. إدخال Poised . وصول مدى الحياة إلى Poised الشيك جميع تحديثات خطة Pro المستقبلية الشيك لا أكواد ، لا تكديس - ما عليك سوى اختيار الخطة المناسبة لك الشيك يجب عليك تنشيط الترخيص الخاص بك في غضون 60 يومًا من الشراء الشيك القدرة على الترقية أو الرجوع إلى إصدار سابق بين مستويين من التراخيص الشيك Only for new Poised users who do not have existing accounts 60 day money-back guarantee. Try it out for 2 months to make sure it's right for you! Features included in all plans الشيك Apps for Mac and Windows الشيك Real-time feedback الشيك Analyze and track trends and progress الشيك Results-driven learning content الشيك Fast track progress with a personalized assessment and trends over time الشيك Feedback on filler words, pace, inclusive language, questions, interruptions, tones, conciseness, encouragement, and pausing الشيك Eye contact and facial expressions (Mac only) الشيك Works with 800+ communication tools, including Zoom, Microsoft Teams, Slack, and Google Meet License Tier 1 All features above included 1 user 5 meetings per week License Tier 2 All features above included 1 user Unlimited meetings per week From the founders المستخدم الرمزية Charles Hua poised.com All posts Deal Update! Welcome Sumo-lings Helpful links Poised Help Center Roadmap Deal Update! Questions & Reviews Search questions & reviews الكلمة الرئيسية Please log in to ask a question. Just a moment, loading questions... Trending deals Design a custom t-shirt and get it shipped worldwide fast تي شيرت مخصص بغل لاصق Sticker Mule Custom T-Shirts $9 $19 5 5.00 (4) Best for Event organizers The revolutionary online course that turns ideas into businesses and businesses into goldmines كيفية عمل دورة عمل بقيمة 1،000 دولار شهريًا How to Make a $1,000 a Month Business Course $10 $600 4.7 4.70 (133) الأفضل لأصحاب الفضول أنشئ تقارير تحسين محركات البحث قابلة للتنفيذ باستخدام بيانات Search Console و Google Analytics SEOcrawl SEOcrawl 19 دولارًا 72 دولارًا 4.56 4.56 (112) الأفضل للتجارة الإلكترونية اشتراك جميع صفقاتنا حساسة للوقت! تأكد من عدم تفويت أي من عروضنا الرائعة لفترة محدودة. بريد إلكتروني أدخل عنوان بريدك الإلكتروني هنا... شعار التذييل جزء منسومومع العائلةSendFoxوTidyCal موقع YouTube فيسبوك انستغرام تويتر تيك توك حساب نظرة عامة على الحساب انضم إلى Plus مركز المساعدة شروط خصوصية AppSumo عن مدونة او مذكرة وظائف الشركات التابعة باع اختيار AppSumo ضع قائمة بالمنتج الخاص بك دراسات الحالة يتعلم كيف تبدأ عمل تجاري عبر الإنترنت ما هو الاقتصاد المبدع؟ الذكاء الاصطناعي https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWmW84ZBrbg&list=PLNMim060_nUJs5lSTwbFK8Pe1BCUPT_EB February 1, 2023 at 08:45PM by Omar Selim BIMarabia عمر سليم بيم ارابيا

Going into the studio to get in that orange zone is an unexplainable feeling that everyone can agree on, but there are some days that you will not want to sweat and communicate with your Orangetheory fitness family. Which is totally okay!! Whether you are feeling antisocial, not feeling confident in your skin that day, or feeling a little sick and taking account the other members health… Orangetheory has a solution for you! When you join the Orangetheory Fitness family at your local home studio you are provided with an app that you can book your future classes, see your statistic history to keep you aware of your fitness progression, shopping for Orangetheory Fitness merchandise, and the lovely “At Home” option to give you a variety of workouts that you can utilize from anywhere that you have Wi-Fi or Cellular data! The OTBeat band that is offered for purchase either right when you sign for your membership or can purchase when financially ready to do so throughout your membership not only works in the studio, but you can use it anywhere! The OTBeat band tracks your heart rate to give you your workout statistics of total calories burned, total splat points earned, total steps, miles ran, max heart rate, and average heart rate throughout your workout. You can use it in any studio around the nation, at the gym, or the comfort of your own home!

When you have the day that you do not feel like going into the studio or you have run out of classes that month… lets workout at home! The “At Home” feature on the Orangetheory app offers a weekly mix that is very similar to what a workout would be at the studio with your coach. The workouts can last from anywhere from 15-25 minutes and you can pick upon a total body HIIT, lower body strength, core strength, upper body strength, and active recovery. One you start your workout it will then proceed to locate your OTBeat heart monitor so that it can track how you are doing during your workout! Some workouts do require dumbbells that more workout gurus have at home, or they can be easily purchased at a local Walmart, Target, or online through a variety of retailers! Always do what is most convenient and beneficial for you and your day. If you get tired of the weekly mix, they also have listed below that “other guided workouts” which include, total body HIIT, core strength, upper body strength, lower body strength, and active recovery of course.

Now that we know what is available to a member on the app, let’s get into what they entail. Total body HIIT has options that incorporate different equipment focuses like bodyweight only, dumbbells, and mini bands. In most cases for a workout at home you will be dealing with only body weight and that workout will be a mix of jump ropes, burpees, tuck jumps, and high knees that will surely get your heart rate up, hence the HIIT (high intensity interval training) workout. All of the upper body strength workouts require the use of dumbbells for some of the exercises that include plank walkout to a push up, dumbbell alternate raises, dumbbell sumo squats, hip hinge reverse fly, and alternate dumbbell shoulder press. Do not let the funky names of these exercises make you nervous, because they have demonstrations in the videos that are linked to the workouts. The last guided workout that we will get into is core strength that is most important when it comes to physical activity since it is the foundation from where we extend our muscles. Grab a mat for this one because majority of the exercises will be performed on the floor like wide stance hip bridge, straight leg to hip raise, normal sit ups, v ups, seated oblique knee tucks, and planks to give the final shaking moments of your core workout! Do not let yourself skip a workout because you have no excuse now!!

#OTF #AtHome #ALLOUTORGETOUT #NoExcuses #Health #Fitness #OTBeat #HIIT

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Ryuu to Sobakasu no Hime (Belle) Novel | English Translation | Chapter 3

**This is a machine translation. I put it together by extracting text page-by-page from a .pdf version of the Japanese novel, and running it through Google translate. I have only minorly edited some of the more confusing lines to make it more read-able. It is still a very rough translation, but it’s good enough to understand what’s going on. If there is anyone out there who wants to properly translate the novel, I am more than happy to edit it, if you’ll contact me.**

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Chapter 3: Memory

"Mother."

"What is it, Suzu?"

When I called, my mother turned around and replied.

Eleven years ago. The house was still new. There was no garage yet, and potted flowers were lined up all over the garden. "Do not cut my hair."

I told her that and ran down the slope in front of my house. Mom walked down the stairs opposite her, resting her hand on her waist and waiting. I ran away in the opposite direction, bouncing, saying that I would never let my hair be cut. But I was taken back without a hitch. She was seated on a bench in the garden and dressed in a haircut cape. “I’m going to make you look cute, Suzu.” After cutting my hair, I don't like the tingling of my hair. She shook her legs and sharpened her lips. But when she held the scissors without hesitation, she cut my hair all at once. "Because you’re going to be an elementary school student," I hope the hair on both sides doesn't stick to my shoulders. The bangs were far above the eyebrows. Even when I went to school, my neck was tingling for a while.

I played a lot with my mother. I took a sumo wrestling on the lawn of the riverbed in the evening. I pushed her by force and my mother rolled on the grass. I won, I laughed happily. Mother also laughed. I asked why? Won’t she cry if she loses? Mom shook her head. “I'm glad that the weak Suzu has become stronger.” Dad was laughing while lying on the grass. My mother often made salted seared meat. She lightly sprinkles salt and roasts the bonito stabbed on a gold skewer from her lenticel over an open flame on the stove. I was staring from the top of the chair. Since the fat drips, the microwave oven will not get dirty if you bake it while sucking it with cooking paper. When it gets burnt, dip it in ice water to cool it, and then drain it. It was a style. So as a kid, I had a hard time holding a thick piece of salted meat with chopsticks, and I had a hard time putting it in my mouth. Mom was waiting for dad's return, holding a mug and watching my struggle.

My dad was a salaryman at that time, and he wore a tie and went out to the city every day. Perhaps because of that, we had some money in our house in the old days. Mother bought a state-of-the-art smartphone at the time. I decided to try out the performance of the on-board camera, and on dad's lap, I pointed my smartphone at my mom. I asked dad to help put mom in the frame and pressed the shutter. She is dressed in white.

The smiling mother, she was beautiful. The photo of her was printed on paper and is still at the house. I was a cheerful child running around, unlike now. I definitely liked playing outside rather than inside the house. If there were trees, I climbed, if there were leaves, I tore them, and if there were insects, I chased them. But it didn't burn in the sun. I must have been such a constitution. Instead, my face is freckled.

I was often injured. My knee was also full of scratches. In the woods, on the riverbed, on the slope in front of my house, I often stumbled and fell. My mother ran up in a hurry and she hugged me tightly, crying in pain. Mysteriously, it hurts somewhere. That's when I was happy. I don't know how many times I fell because I ran around vigorously and wanted mother to hug me. Every time mother rushed in as if it was a big deal for her daughter and worried. Every day was like summer vacation. I clung to mother doing the laundry and cleaning and played. After lunch, she opened the tatami mat, laid a summer futon on the tatami mats, and we took a nap together. The smoke of the mosquito coil was rising slowly. When I woke up, most of the time, I couldn't see my mother sleeping next to me, and she was busy doing housework. In retrospect, she never been told me that she is busy. She was always with me when I asked for it. Since my house was in the mountains, I rarely went out to eat somewhere, and instead my mother cooked any kind of food. One day she saw it in a picture book, and she said she wanted to eat yakitori. She had never eaten it before. My mother made yakitori by sticking chicken on skewers one by one. For the first time in my life, I saw yakitori with the naked eye. I didn't know how to eat it, so I couldn't do well by chewing the meat and removing it from the skewers. Dad and mom were staring at me. Never missing what her daughter experiences for the first time in her life. The place where we, who live in the mountains, go out to play is not an amusement park or a shopping mall, but a campsite further in the mountains from our house.

On a sunny summer day, my mom and I wore a wide-brimmed hat and crossed the subsidence bridge. Dad was carrying a lot of camping equipment. The water crystal pool in the depths of the Yasui Valley was a breathtaking blue color even for us living in the area. The water is so transparent that you can clearly see your shadow on the bottom of the river. I feel a little scared as if I were floating in the air. My mother was an advanced swimmer. She boasted that her mother, who was once a local kid, swam like a kappa every day in the summer. She knew all about the fun of the river. At the same time, she never let her swim in dangerous places on dangerous days. Mom wraps around me, floating. She dived into the water to show her off her skills. Still picked up by her, I became anxious and called out. “Mom, don't go.” But mom, she swam in the blue water, as if she couldn't hear me.

One evening, I was playing with my mother's smartphone and saw a strange app. I put it on. When you launch the app, you'll see white and black horizontal stripes lined up. I pointed to what this was and asked my dad who was next to me. Dad looked it and twisted his neck, calling mother, who was preparing dinner. After dinner, mother's hand fixed the smartphone I was holding vertically. I laid it down and found it to be a piano keyboard. As prompted, I pressed one of the keys. There was a "do" sound. I looked at my mother's face. My mother also saw my face, saying that she had come out. It's mom’s music production app. Only then did I look around my mother's room and notice. Old records, cassette tapes, and CDs are lined up on the shelves to the end. And if you set them on a record player or cassette deck and pass them through an amplifier, music will be played from the left and right speakers. The collection was a brilliant one that accurately captured the main points of the history of classical, jazz and rock. I didn’t know at the time, the value and meaning of such a lineup being packed in a room at the end of the world.

In that room, I pressed the keys of the app one after another and recorded. When played, each sound sounds in the order in which they are arranged. Even if you enter an insane scale, it will play back in a lawful manner. I was so happy that I bounced on my chair. My mother was laughing too. Warm incandescent light was illuminating us. After that, I was crazy about this app. I had my mother lend me a smartphone and I was playing around with it day, night and morning. The operation was intuitive and easy to use. There were words that I couldn’t read because it wasn’t a children's app. And there were many functions I didn't understand. But I was absorbed in that kind of thing. I was completely absorbed in the exciting new experience of writing songs. I composed a number of songs and previewed them in front of my mother. The mother who finished listening gave me advice in short words each time. If you do xxx, it will be better, or the trick is to do xxx. She sometimes took out some of the records in the collection and listened to them for reference. My mother is neither a musician nor a composer.

I think each piece of advice is accurate even if I look back on it now. Over and over again, she listened to my melody, and she said she noticed something, and she sang herself to make sure it was. When I asked, she said it wasn't bad. She said she was smirking at me as she said. I put the sound in a place that I wouldn't normally put it. I'm sure this song was a failure, and all the work I've done so far will be ruined. But as it gradually takes shape, it seems strangely cohesive, she said. I felt as happy as I wanted to. I'm sure it's my parents' favor, but even if my mother added, I was happy. For me, I'm not making it with the intention of letting someone else listen to it. It would have been nice if only my mother could listen to it. My mother sings along with the song I typed in. Take the tempo with her right hand and sing gently. The voice of mother, who was also a member of the chorus made by her friends, echoed and was transparent.

She listened to my weird songs many times. I was happy and sang along with it. Anyway, it’s a song that is as nice as my mother.

I couldn't. Happy memories of me and mother suddenly end here. And that August has come. After this, all I have is a painful, painful memory. The voice of a little girl crying and crying echoed in the riverbank. A girl was left alone on a sandbar. Is she 4 or 5 years old? She looked smaller than I was. It was so sunny just a while ago, but I noticed it wasn't a blue sky, and it was covered with overcast clouds. The beautiful and calm river was cloudy, flooded, driftwood-filled, and surprisingly fast. I can imagine that it is raining heavily upstream. Before this happened, there were people happily making noise on the opposite bank when the flow was still transparent. They are now staring at the girl on this shore. She wore colorful outdoor clothing that made it easy to see that she probably came from the city, not a local. The girls' clothes were also bright colors that I had never seen. Why did people from the city overlook the girls' flashy colored clothes? Why did she forget her existence and she came back to this shore? What to do with friends, their families, and those who enjoyed fishing and canoeing on the riverbanks.

It seemed that she couldn't do anything, and she had no choice but to stand and look like a stick. It's no wonder you're standing. The violent flow of the river separated the girl from the people. Everyone realized that it couldn't be helped. One of the adults was talking to someone on his cell phone. However, everyone can see that where the girl is, is gradually narrowing. Everyone is aware that it is very unlikely that the rescue team will arrive in time. Therefore, I have no choice but to stand up without being able to do anything. Is it just listening to the girl's crying as it is? At that time, someone picked up the red life jacket beside the canoe.

I went forward while staring at the girl. She was a mother. Mommy, and I hurriedly clung to the hem of her mother's clothes. She realized that what her mother was trying to do was too dangerous. She wouldn't have been anxious. She screamed and pulled hard, trying not to let her go. Mom crouched down and squeezed my hand, and she told me something. At that time I can't remember what mother said. Maybe I was screaming and not ready to hear the words. Mom stood up to shake off my chasing and ran, locking the buckle on her life jacket. I fell down on a stone in the riverbank trying to chase her. Still, I got up and shouted at mother's back. Don't go. I think mom didn’t hear my words. While checking the girl's whereabouts, I went around the river, went into the water, and got in the stream to help. It started to rain.

How long has it passed since then? Suddenly the surroundings became noisy. The girl was rescued from the river. Adults are pulling the soaked and tired girl out of the river. I was staring at while getting wet in the rain. People running up. A mixture of joyful voices and crying voices. Are you okay? Open your eyes. I'm glad I was saved ... The girl was wearing the same red life jacket that her mother wore. At that moment, I understood at once what was happening. Mom isn’t here.

"Mother ..... Mother .....!"

I looked left and right, searching for her.

Not anywhere.

"Mother ...!"

In the distance, I heard an ambulance siren. The girl was wrapped in a blanket.

Carried by many adults, she leaves the riverbank. Everyone is crazy about it and realizes that my mom isn't there.

She isn't.

"Mom!" Only I raised my voice and kept calling. Many times. Many times. Many times. I don't remember much after that. When I heard that my mother was found all the way down the river, it seemed like a lie. It wasn't long before I realized that the mug that mother was using was missing. Dad put a picture of mother, which he took someday, in a picture frame and put it in a corner of the kitchen. He had to add flowers every day next to it. Neighbors bothered to talk to me every time I met them on the road, listened to me in a friendly way, and encouraged me with tears. Meanwhile, the Internet was flooded with anonymous posts about the accident.

"It's a suicide act to jump into a river flooded by rain"

"It seems that she was confident in swimming, but it's different from the pool."

《It is irresponsible for my child to help someone else's child and die》

《If there is an accident, playing in the river will be a nuisance and annoying》

《Because helping people is a good person, this is what happens》

The person who wrote it probably didn't know anything about the actual situation, and the day after he wrote it, he probably forgot what he wrote. However, the person who wrote it keeps sticking in my chest forever. Immediately after the accident, an acquaintance told me with resentment that it was terrible when I saw this. In front of these words, I was too young to understand all the meanings. However, as I grew up and became able to understand the meaning of the words accurately, I continued to suffer from the unconscious malice contained in them. Losing mother.

How should I pass on these writings as a bereaved family, even though I still can't accept them, as if the mother who helped me was all bad?

Aside from me, my mother just smiled in the picture frame in the kitchen. From that accident, I think something has changed decisively from what I used to be. One evening, in mother's room, where dust began to build up, I stood on her chair, hoping to return to her happy memories. And I sang the song I sang with mother. But when I started singing, I realized I couldn't sing at all. My voice became stuck in the back of my throat and couldn't get out of my mouth. I was confused. Something in my heart was suppressing me from singing. Why can't I sing? Tears came out.

Hey mom. Why can't I sing?

It was clear that the reason why singing was so fun and necessary was because my mother listened to it.

However, just because you can't sing... You don't have to worry about anything. Even if you can't sing, no one will blame you. Life just goes on. I went to a local junior high school. The jumper skirt uniform was stuffy. Many of the elementary school classmates went to the town as they went on to school, and there were not half of the students remaining in the local area, so even in junior high school, it became a compound class. Therefore, the chorus practice was accompanied by the vice-principal teacher, and it was decided to sing in all grades. There were three people in all grades. Because there were only three people, I quickly realized that I was just lip-synching without singing. I was asked why I didn't sing, but I didn't say anything. I thought they would get angry, but they didn't get angry. It means that only I can visit from the next practice.

I sat alone in a corner of the music class and watched everyone practice. I may have looked like a lethargic girl who was just silent. But inside that, there are things that can't be translated into words.

I think it was swirling. When I left school and returned home, I irresistibly entered mother's room in the twilight. The twilight light was shining through the window. Cardboard boxes containing tableware and seasonal home appliances that are no longer in use are piled up on the table. It was completely turned into a storeroom. It's been many years since then. It has passed. I listened to the large number of records there, one by one from the edge of the shelf. Days, days, days. By listening earnestly, I managed to calm my rough feelings. But one day, there was a moment when I thought I couldn't bear it anymore. Upon returning, I entered my mother's room, sat down in front of the keyboard, quickly opened the report sheet, and began to write fiercely with a pen to spit out the incomprehensible feelings in my chest. I was almost suffocating if I didn't spit it out. I turned over the paper and continued to write forever. -Why did mother leave me in the river? Why did she choose to help the child who she didn't even know her name rather than live with me? Why am I alone? Why, why, why – I added paper, supplemented with post-it notes, and wrote long, long lyrics. The scale that springs up is notated long and long. Those that were neither were spit out as pictures. It was a swirl of many kinds. It was like a whirlpool floating on the surface, like a black hole that swallowed everything, and like a hole in the top of my head. The floor of the room was filled with pieces of paper with a mixture of lyrics, pictures and sheet music. But suddenly..... I returned to myself and stopped writing. Right now, I've noticed the worthlessness, meaninglessness, ugliness, and helplessness of the words, pictures, and scales I wrote.

What are you doing? I broke the paper. Everything I've written so far.

I threw it in the trash can without hesitation. The bundle of paper looked like a vomit that I had just spit out. Then I became a high school student.

I finally found myself worthless. The uniform tie was stuffy. I crossed the subsidence bridge while looking down and went to school. I took an exam and passed the exam at a junior and senior high school in the center of the city, and transferred from high school. There, I met my childhood friend Shinobu-kun again.

"Shizu.."

"Shinobu-kun ..."

Now that I was in high school, Shinobu-kun looked tall and shining, all different. On the other hand, I didn't seem to have grown at all since then, and I was irresistibly embarrassed and couldn't even talk. What have I been doing so far? I started a new life going to the city from the mountains, but I couldn't get into studying. Even though I had a hard time taking the exam, I just looked out the window during class. Knowing that this shouldn't be the case. Club activities didn't go anywhere. There were very few such students. On the way home, you can see the students devoting themselves to club activities. The track and field club is jumping the training hurdle in a line in the courtyard. The volleyball club is running on the ground. A percussionist in the brass band with a metronome in his ear is striking a stick in the hallway. The Naginata club sits upright in the martial arts hall with a good posture, and thank you for your cooperation, saying before the practice. The first-year students of the baseball club, who have not yet been numbered, stand side by side and watch as if they are digging into the practice of their seniors. I didn't belong anywhere, so I left school quickly. It was already winter. There is a river called Kagami River that flows from east to west in the center of the city. Since the flow is often gentle, the TV tower and buildings on the opposite bank are reflected like a mirror. When I returned to the station through the road beside it, the girls of the light music club carrying the "Chahahaha" musical instrument case overtook me with a light step while laughing. A cute cat-shaped stuffed animal attached to the school bag is shaking. Attached to my school bag was a cheesy plastic plate of "Gutto Koremaru". "Gutto Koremaru" is an egg-shaped character who can poke his hand against the wall and endure the pain. I have a crack in my head, probably because I endured it too much. Of course, it's not cute.

In a dark and narrow corridor.

I resisted, "I can't do it! Hey!", But I was pulled into the room, saying "OK." The soundproof door slammed behind me. Shinboku "Ah!" There was a flashy room in a karaoke box, and the pink and purple lights were spinning mysteriously. It smells of incense. Only for girls in the class.

I heard that it was a social gathering, but when I saw the frenzy of the girls standing on the sofa and shaking their heads, I thought that I could not get into this tension very much.

"Peggie Sue is cute"

"This is the one that is popular in" U ", isn't it?" On the monitor screen on the wall, the popular Az of "U", Peggy Sue, was seen singing in a black rubber dress. Purple lipstick that shakes silver hair. An eccentric beauty with red eyes. Peggy Sue? "U"? Az? Is it popular? I don't know anything. It's like an event in a different world from me. Then, Hitomi suddenly offered a microphone, "Yes." Sing, and so on. "Huh?" Puzzled. Neither the coat nor the muffler is taken off. But "yes" the microphone was pointed again. Why for a child like me who is at the end of a class?

"Sing together?"

"Hey, sing."

The shadows of the girls press the microphones. What do you mean?

"Are you not going to sing alone?"

"Isn't it a lie that you can't sing?"

I see, so it’s this situation.

Dozens of microphones are forced against my face one after another. "Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu"

"Sing"

"Hey, sing?"

"Sing"

Those voices sound like a threat.

"You're telling me to sing."

"Sing!"

"Sing!"

Ahh!

Immediately, the microphone popped off and fell to the floor.

The girls dancing on the sofa suddenly saw me. It's calming down as if I was taken aback.

"What happened? Suzu-chan"

The mic and the shadows of the girls disappeared like a phantom.

"No, nothing. I'm sorry. Hey ..."

Without saying anything, I pushed the door of the karaoke box open by force and went out like crawling. Someone might have heard and told everyone that I couldn't sing.

When I got off the bus, powder snow was flying. I almost slipped down the slope from the bus stop. Even in Kochi, it usually snows in the mountains, aside from the city. When I crossed the subsidence bridge, I heard a crackling sound of thin ice. The surface of the concrete bridge is frozen.

Cold. It's not dexterous enough to get used to everyone, and it's not divisible. On the other hand, I’m not strong enough to be alone, not prepared, and have no idea.

I don't do anything selfish. Rumors that you can't sing, that's a lie. I'm just not confident in myself for a while. I want to get along with everyone. Really. I know. Of course I know. So "Ah ... Ah ..."

In the middle of the bridge, I impulsively exhaled my voice.

"Ah ... ah ... ah ah"

As I breathed in, cold air sank into my throat. Still, I sang towards the river. "Ah..”

Did I sing? It didn't match a song. It's just a growl. The bag slipped off my shoulder. Will you forgive me if I sing? Can I get along with everyone if I sing? It doesn't help to sing alone in such a place. It's like a scream of a dead end before being crushed. Still, I sang that song with my mother with a squeezed voice. I was happy back then. It's different now. Powder snow was swirling in the flow of the river. Suddenly, in front of me it became pitch black. Nausea swelled from the back of my stomach, and I held my mouth with both hands.

"Uuuuu!"

I crouched on my knees. However, I couldn't stand the momentum of the backflowing gastric juice. I pushed my body forward and vomited towards the clear stream under the bridge. The vomit that was about to kneel and vomit fell to the surface of the water, creating a number of ripples. I spit out everything in my stomach and fell on the bridge. My hair is messed up and my mouth is smeared with gastric juice and smells. It's already spicy. I want to get rid of everything. Shivering and crying as if groaning. Drops of tears ooze on my cold cheeks and tingle. I wish I were gone.

I could hear the slight sound of powder snow folding and piled up right next to me. A notification came to the smartphone that slipped off my bag. It was a message from Hiro-chan.

<< Look at this, Suzu. It’s so amazing that I’m seriously laughing. >>

There is a link to somewhere.

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https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Dcx2NedPVBEdbfQaU-WC0pJMRmn20ASn7HSC0KY9R7E/edit?usp=sharing ~ Google Doc of the English-translated novel.

ryuutosobakasuhime.wordpress.com ~ English fan-site for Ryuu to Sobakasu no Hime where translations, scans, and other content is posted.