if you call himmel pathetic i'm throwing hands at you. himmel showed the purest form of love for frieren and you guys think that's pathetic? what's pathetic is not respect other people's feelings or boundaries and acting like people owe you anything just because you like them. himmel was happy to have a friendship with frieren within her own conditions just because he genuinely enjoyed her as part of his life. he was happy to wait for her for his entire life is he had to but he also never stopped living for himself. that's fucking beautiful. loving someone so much you are able to let them go, not wanting to change who they are or impose anything on them? unconditionally, nonetheless? that's the point of life.

Why We Gave Our Son Away

By David Himmel

Parenthood requires sacrifice. Lots of it. A more optimistic person might say it’s not sacrifice but compromise, and to that I say they don’t know what they’re talking about. Over the last several years, my wife and I have been parents to a wonderful little human named Harrison. He’s intelligent, strong, funny, helpful, and kind. Most of the time anyway. He’s also a three-year-old toddler so he is also erratic, neurotic, sullen, mercurial, and violent. Why, just yesterday, he slapped me across the face after telling him I loved him. In a very tiny nutshell, that right there is parenthood. You give love, you get smacked in the face.

Parenthood also comes with judgement. Judgement from friends, family members, other parents, kids, and your own. There’s a constant vice grip of pressure to not screw up—not do anything that will come back to twist the truth or skew the perception in a tell-all book or on a fancy, blogsite hosted by Squarespace.

Being a parent is living in constant fear or failure, retaliation, and getting slapped in the face, kicked in the nuggets, and broken at the heart. And that is why my wife and I decided to give our son away. This Easter, Harrison will go to live with and be raised by his grandparents in the small rural town of Hammond, Illinois.

No doubt we’ll be judged for this decision. Brutally judged. Cast out of our circle of friends because, after all, what kind of monsters just, like, give their kid away. Perhaps you’re judging us now as you read this confession/explanation. But as you build your disdain and formalize your level of offense from our decision, you must know that we did not come to this decision easily. We agonized over it for days after a string of very difficult bedtime sessions.

He just refused, well, everything. Refused to brush his teeth. Refused to put on pajamas. Refused to sit and read the three books he picked out. Refused to stay under the covers. It has been exhausting. My wife and I have both seen what too many years of parenting has done to too many people. It breaks them. It robs them of their individuality, assaults their sex drive, slaughters their ability to make rational decisions, strips them of the vibrancy and curiosity that occupied them before they were parents. Parenthood removes the will to live a life—an actual life. Parenthood leads to buying items with sayings about coffee to decorate your house. Parenthood breaks your brain into thinking “Live, Laugh, Love” is a clever and inspiring mantra.

My brain is so burned out, I haven’t managed to read a single book since becoming a father. That’s more than three years now. I haven’t been able to watch a movie or enjoy a new TV series. All I have capacity for is watching Friends and Marvel films up to Infinity War. New things require energy and capacity I just don’t have.

But it’s not like we drowned the kid or left him to bake in a hot car or let him fall out of a window. We’re not monsters. We’re humans who want to live a good life. And we want our son, whom we still love, to live a good life. And he will do just that in Hammond, Illinois.

He’ll be loved. He’ll be with his grandparents, closer to his aunts and uncles and cousins. There’s a family park a stone’s throw from the house he’ll grow up in that he already loves. There’s a pool there. He loves swimming. He’s so brave and strong, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he becomes an Olympic swimmer like Michael Phelps. I may never know because my wife and I will likely be drunk and stoned making art in Paris or sleeping off a lazy afternoon on a Caribbean shore or murdering a cop in Portland, Oregon. Who knows where we’ll be because without the responsibility of parenthood, the world is once again our oyster. And we plan on devouring the whole goddamn thing. 

Harrison will have fields to play in. Outside of a big city, he’ll grow up surrounded by nature, or, rather, fields of soy and corn that’ll be used to make the foods that are slowly killing us. He’ll belong to a good church. And with his half-Jew blood, he’ll be respected because he’s a Jew like Jesus. He’ll grow up appreciating bro country—something I continue to do but never succeed. And I blame my northern Illinois living for that.

We will still see Harrison. At holidays, just like we already see my in-laws at holidays. And it’s not like we’re sending him to live with old-ass grandparents. These grandparents are not much older than I am. They’re younger than Don Hall even.

Will we miss Harrison? At first. But then the drugs and booze will kick in and we’ll be fine. And we’ll finally get to watch Euphoria with that young woman from the Spider-Man movie. We might even read Infinite Jest!

We’re giving our son away because we love him. But we also love ourselves. This is a win-win for everyone. This is the best thing for Harrison. His life will be full and free, not empty and confined like it would be living in the city with two withering creatives. Oh, sure, we could take him to a museum, but what kind of idiot takes children to museums? Parents, that’s who. With Harrison gone, we no longer have to be idiots. And he no longer has to be a witness to our withering demise as intelligent human beings.

We, on the other hand, will get to see Harrison grow up and thrive. But from a distance. That’s why we gave our son away.

Blindspot recap 2x14

(Aka the one with Rich and the secret society) 

Aaaah okay so I have had basically zero available time to do this review and this is the latest I’ve ever gotten it posted (still before the new episode though so at least there’s that) but please to not assume my lateness is reflective of my feelings for this ep because honestly my love for it knows no bounds

So if you have time before the new ep, see below the cut for a lot of screaming over Rich haha

Okay firstly let's not talk about how old I was in 2001 and how very NOT college-aged I was because that would make my gigantic crush on Rich just a little awkward haha. But omg this scene. The music and the remote control car with the laser and their OUTFITS omg and okay I desperately need to know what is going on with that goatee situation bc it looks so wrong and I don't know if that's just because I'm used to the beautiful beard or what. Given the time it would take him to grow that beard back, have they literally just put a prosthetic over his actual beard to make it look like unshaven skin?? I need to know. Hell, I’m gonna ask Ennis, he'll probably tell me lol. Tbh that guy has gotta be sick of seeing my name on his twitter notifications by now haha. But also lbr I kinda have a hard time believing Rich (or Gord, rather) didn't get straight A's anyway? I mean he's a genius, after all. Though I guess he had other, cooler things to spend his time on rather than study. Probably involving more lasers. And then aaaahhh they're caught (lbr those outfits are a crime in themselves haha) and while I didn't expect Rich's charm (lol, if it can be called "charm") to work on cops (or campus security?) literally who the hell tasers someone just for being irritating?? I assume that was a bit of artistic licence bc a cop would get strung up for doing that here. Plus you cannot tell me that Rich wouldn't have had lawyers (or law student friends, idk) all over that. But anyhow.

Reade. Dude. Get your shit together, because you're a damn mess. And so is your apartment, since you and your lil drug honey have apparently trashed the place. And now you're gonna be late to work, again? Ugh. He needs to grow a set and tell Nikki to leave and stay gone. Maybe he should get Tasha to do it since she's clearly got more balls than he does...

Speaking of being a mess, here's my poor baby Weller, who is messed up for a slightly more legitimate reason (or a myriad thereof). And so wait, a whole weekend has passed since the last ep? So Weller's only just telling Jane and Nas now? What was he doing this whole time? Maybe he was having a bender of his own in his apartment... but ugh Jane is immediately reassuring and tells him it's not his fault and that there was nothing he could do. Because she's nothing if not a supportive wifey. (Wait maybe he already told Jane over the weekend and he’s just telling Nas for the first time now. It’s possible so I’m running with it haha). Anyway he's clearly torn up about it though and you can tell his ~THING~ with Shepherd is building into what's going to be an epic arch-nemesis showdown at the end of the season. But for now, Nas has magically conjured some property records for 'Ellen Briggs', including places in Wisconsin, Maryland, North Carolina, Florida, Colorado, and New Jersey. That's a decent number of states to have lived in?? Though I guess the whole army thing involves a fair bit of shifting around. With this new info, though, they can send Jane and Roman to the places and see if they trigger any memories, since they might have lived at some of them too. Which is kind of a bummer because it means that Jane's gonna be off with Roman and Nas and isn't gonna get to hang with her buddy Rich much :( 

Ooooh update: Ennis answered me, apparently they saved the '2001' scene for the end of filming, then shaved his usual beard down to the chin beard. Tbh I am personally offended by the murdering of that beautiful beard but he assures me it lives again now haha

Anyway back to the case, Patterson has just interrupted (which is perfectly acceptable/even welcomed whenever Nas is in the room) to say there's a tattoo they need to see. And ugh Weller's reaction is the sweetest, going all concerned big bro and telling her she should be at home. But by the look of things, she had the weekend off, which is a pretty good effort for her? And ugh she saw a doctor who cleared her medically but it's clear that she still needs to be checked out psychologically and ughhhh my baby I hate that this has happened to you. But anyhow because Patterson's a genius, she'd already figured out that the tattoo contained an equation which, for reasons that I am not smart enough to comprehend, would solve itself today and somehow involve Lithium and a secret society at Jameson College called Daedalus. Of course Rich went to a college that shares a name with one of my favourite alcoholic beverages. And again we have a perfect moment where Zapata gets to shine, explaining who Daedalus was and then adds "stop looking at me like that when I know things". Damn straight, Reade, show your awesome partner some more respect. She's a smart lady. And then he makes a joke about the college kids maybe mixing lithium with jager and doing shots and lbr Reade with your newfound proclivities you don’t really get to judge anyone for what they put in their body. But anyhow Patterson brings up a list of the Daedalus members, and who else appears on it but Gord Enver, aka Rich DotCom. The team manage impressively well at suppressing their groans-- though lbr, Weller was actually pretty quick to say that they needed to bring Rich in. He didn't even look for alternatives. Like sure, Rich does like to talk, an he has a soft spot for the team, but... aw Weller, were you missing your hairy homie?? 

Okay Rich has been onscreen for all of a second and I already can't deal with this. The others all there awaiting him like some kind of royal welcoming committee-- and he definitely ACTS like returning royalty. I'm so intrigued to know if his newfound religion(s) was just a spur of the moment thing when he heard he was going back to the FBI-- maybe he was like "hmmm how can I annoy them even more than usual" and then turned to his cellmates or whoever and was like ‘hey I need to borrow your stuff’ lol. Or maybe he'd just been bored in prison and the library was fairly limited? Either way literally everyone's faces here are precious, especially Jane, who I think tends to be more perplexed by Rich than anything else (probably because she knows she shouldn't like him but does). Speaking of faces, Weller's "hurry the hell up you idiot" face as Rich is praying in the interview room-- which looks like a very fun version of praying-- is priceless. Rich freaking ending his prayer with 'bless this mess' earned my first shriek-laugh of the episode, followed closely by the second when Weller asked for help and he answered 'say no more' and gracefully slid the bible/Koran (can’t see which) across the table. Honestly as much as I love all the characters on this show, Rich is always gonna be a special case for me. I just adore this little shit. Speaking of which, he's refusing to help on grounds that he's already busy investigating ‘the spiritual plane’ and ugh everyone here knows he's gonna help them, that he WANTS to help them, but he can never make things easy. Weller tries threats, Nas tries insulting him (you have much to learn Nas, lol) whereas Jane just gets straight to the point, showing him the formula and the tattoo on her back, knowing it will shock him free of his play act. (Though I love that he throws in "let he who is without sin..." to Weller when Weller is getting judgy. You know, he has a point weller, you aren't exactly innocent either buddy) Also omg "Oh Gott im Himmel" Aaaahhhh Rick speaking German is an instant favourite thing for me. Two things I love combined haha. And good lord, there is too much to love about this scene. Weller's "I'm already distressed" (possibly the most truthful thing he's ever said), Rich trying to cross himself with cuffs on then quoting Matthew '24:7', then getting to ominously foretell an impending war.... please make him a regular, writers, I need it

And then ugh yes we're in the bullpen which means Rich interacting with the rest of the team (while Jane rolls her eyes at him in the background lol). Patterson explains-- with interruptions from Rich, naturally-- that lithium is getting super pricey so technically it would be cheaper to invade another country (by deliberately starting a war with a fake terrorist attack) and steal theirs. They just don't know which country, or who's planning it. Tasha catches on first which is funny bc she's actually often the one most... in tune?... with Rich. She tends to be able to cut through his bullshit to the bottom line of a matter and I think he digs that about her. Also Weller is having trouble pronouncing Daedalus correctly haha. But anyhow Rich points them towards a guy called Zack Riley, who was one of the guys who broke into the college with him back in the day and who Patterson seems to have a little geek-crush on. Which Rich is not at all pleased about-- maybe he's worried about losing his spot as their favourite (term used loosely) billionaire computer genius lol.

And then what's this?? Rich insists they need Boston too, since he's also a member of Daedalus and can help.  Mmmhmm, I'm sure that's the reason, and not that Rich is trying to win him back haha, since these two definitely seem to be in the middle of a spat. But even better than Rich and Boston's relationship is that of Patterson and Boston-- the moment she walks in and sees him she literally makes an "Ughhhhh" sound. Oh my precious little supergenius sassmaster nemeses, this is gonna be gooood. And so it turns out there just happens to be an Alumni event on at Jameson right now that will be the cover for a secret Daedalus meeting, and since they already have two members, why not sneak in? I love that the conversation immediately gets derailed by Boston and Rich bickering ("how many times do I have to say I'm sorry??" "ONE time!" omg) before Weller tells them they'll be taking dates. And ugh Boston is being all belligerent like he's not going to help them and then bam Weller tells him he can have him transferred to a prison near LA so his parents can visit him more easily, and ugh he didn't have to do that. He could have made threats, like he made to Rich, but instead he recognised a way that he could make Boston's life better and offered it to him. Ugh my baby. Rich doesn't need any threats or bonuses; though he says he'll do it for spiritual reasons, as always, he's totally in it for the game. (And secretly for his love of the team and wanting them to approve of him)

Ughhhh Weller and Jane having their own private little conference in the corner of the lab (while Rich and Patterson fight over the touchscreen thing like siblings, which was all apparently ad-libbed and I'm delighted about it) and ugh Jane wants to stay and be with the team in case they need her but Weller asks her to go with Nas and Roman to the houses instead, because getting a lead on Shepherd is his biggest priority but he can't do this, only she can, so he's relying on her. And she recognises that, which is why she agrees to go (but before she does he grips her arm and looks at her with those expressive eyes and ughhh look at these two being a unit againnnnn). Then mom heads off while dad stays with the kids, assigning Patterson to Boston-- it's hard to tell who's less pleased about it, but I'm in love with Patterson's comic-con line (particularly since I met Ashley at Comic Con last year). And then omg "Rich, you take Tasha" "Which one's Tasha?" hahaha cmon, like you don't know, Rich. You love giving her as much shit as she gives you. You two are practically buds. But he's right, she's really not his type. There's only one person in the FBI who is (I'm excluding Jane from this because I don't think he considers her to be FBI). Though tbh I think even if Jane had been there as an option Rich would have still chosen Weller just for the fun of making him uncomfortable lol. 

And so this episode gives us one of the greatest gifts of the show so far: Weller and Rich, out on a date. Which so far has entailed Rich 'helping' Weller out of the car, and Weller informing him that he has just drunk water with a tracking isotope in it so he can't escape them. I love the "You are so controlling... Why do I keep coming back to you" because he really doeessss. He keeps coming back. And well, Weller is a control freak haha. Oh but the real brilliance comes from the other pair, Patterson ignoring Boston's politely extended hand as she gets out of the car and then implies that he and Rich broke up because Boston's 'the worst person ever' and ughhh I love the antagonistic relationship between these two. At least they can get through the door, though, whereas Rich and Weller are turned back due to something Rich did to piss someone off in the past. And Rich is all "Oh well. Hey let's go check out the carnival!" like this is a real date and ugh he is the cutest??? Literally how can anyone not love this man. Instead, to his disappointment, Weller makes him find a way to sneak in-- aka though old hallways/tunnels that he used to use to sneak in hookers. And then they have a ~moment~ as they bond over their mutual prankster school days. Well, at least Rich thinks they're having a moment. Weller just has slightly less heat in his voice when he tells him to shut up. Then they get to the door, which no longer has a handle, so Weller kicks it open. Literally kicks it off its hinges, in fact, and while I know Weller is strong, that was a VERY solid old door. No way its hinges would give like that. But anyhow luckily no one was on the other side of that door, because they'd be out for the count right now. And after such a dramatic entrance, security is immediately onto them-- but then an old friend vouches for Rich and sends away the guards-- before looking properly at Weller with what can only be described as a 'hubba hubba' gaze. Rich promptly introduces him as his HUSBAND Kurt Enver (*shriek laugh*) and lays his head on his shoulder. Weller valiantly tries to roll with it, but the other guy is like ‘nope, this guy's got hooker written all over him' and oh Weller, I bet you never expected to find yourself in a situation where you'd prefer to be Rich's husband??? And then they talk about his burly arms and how the other guy would 'back that stallion' and calls him a meat trophy and omggggg there is nothing I love more than hypermasculine men experiencing what it's constantly like for women to be treated like sex objects by other men. Although lbr I think Weller's enjoying this a tiny bit bc he didn't have to smile at all during that conversation-- he could have just stood there all strong and impassive-- but he was practically grinning and ugh this is the beeeessssst. Also he then talks to Zapata and Reade over the comms and man I hope they heard that whole conversation because that would make my day. Btw as a sidenote, they say that the party guest that tried to keep Rich out had a pharmaceutical company that raised the cancer drug prices by like 1000%. And again, this show is totally unafraid to pull things from the current news and pass judgement on them... 

Shepherd lived in Robinhood lane? I bet she picked it because she felt she was a Robin Hood that was helping the poor by taking down the rich. And lol Nas wants to go inside to see if it triggers anything for them and Jane is all 'what if it's a trap' and Nas goes 'With you two? I'll take my chances.' And wow that's the first likable thing she's said in a long time. Tbh she's right, too-- if I had to be ambushed, I'd want to have the mayhem twins there to protect me haha. But ugh Roman and Jane are unable to believe they could have grown up in such a normal looking place rather than like a barracks or something and it's so sad? And then Roman gets so upset because he can't remember anything and when Jane says 'I know how you feel' (which she does tend to say a lot) he yells 'then why don't you FEEL it??" and ugh damn Luke just SELLS all of Roman's emotions and I'm just so impressed with how good he is. But He has a point-- Jane doesn't feel what he feels, and that's partly because she's had time to adjust (she was definitely very upset in early S1) but also she knows things that he doesn't know. She has answers, and that makes a huge difference. I love that even when he gets aggressive, Jane doesn't back away-- she moves closer, speaking gently to him. She just wants to soothe him, but it's not possible, not when he's still missing so much of himself. And definitely won't be possible when it's revealed that she zipped him, because mannnn does he wanna kill Shepherd for that, so thing are gonna get really ugly when he leans the truth.   

WELLER INSTIGATES THE DANCING. I REPEAT, WELLER INSTIGATES THE DANCING. AaaaaaahhhhHHHHHH. Rich is craning his neck trying to see who their target is talking to and Weller is the one to pull him onto the dancefloor so they can surreptitiously (term used loosely since they're a little distinctive) move closer. I love these two, and I love that Weller's letting himself 'loosen up' a little. Tbh I think a part of him does actually like Rich. It helps that Sully and Ennis get along so well because they are just totally able to sell all their interactions ugh. Then they head up to the office to find the target's hidden laptop, and Rich monologues about the guy having stolen something from him, but in doing so practically set him on the path to being Rich DotCom. But think about that, Rich-- if he'd never wronged you, sure you could maybe be a rich famous computer wiz like him, but you would have never gotten to work with this team or meet your 'husband' Weller, or be here playing super spy right now.... so maybe he did you a favour?

Alone in the van, Zapata and Reade finally have a moment to talk, and she calls him out on not being himself today. Thankfully he doesn't just brush it off like he did a few days ago-- I think he's recognised that he needs to get out of the quicksand pit he's in but he can't do it on his own. So he tells Zapata, who he knows won't stand for it. And she won't; she's pissed and incredulous that he would be stupid enough to date (term also used loosely) the ex of the murderer who he helped to flee the city. Weller interrupts their conversation but I'm at least comforted by the fact that Zapata won't let this go. She will get Reade back onto the straight and narrow even if it means camping on his couch and sending away anyone that knocks on the door, dammit

While Rich and Weller find the laptop, Patterson and Boston are trying to figure out how to get the password off the key fob that the target carries with him at all times. After a bit of sniping, Boston has an idea, and grabs Patterson's hand to pull her over to the guy and introduces her as the love of his life, which confuses the guy (I loved his "I thought you were...", though hey cmon, bisexuality can exist, buddy). And lol Patterson is gushing over him which isn't completely fake? Like she did seem like a fan earlier. But meanwhile Boston has picked his pocket and shows her the code over the guy's shoulder, and of course she memorises the dozen or so digits in a moment and then is like 'okay great to meet you byyeeeee' haha before telling Weller the password over the comms. Nice work, team. Except for some reason the guards are suddenly headed their way, which is unfortunate. I do love the parallel to the hacking at the start, where Rich is on the computer and the person with him is like 'we gotta go!'-- and like that time, they get completely busted. And then when Zack (their target) comes in, Weller's about to reveal himself (not in the way Rich would enjoy) but Rich speaks over him, convincing Zack that he was there to steal back the software that he created and which made Zack rich. But omg I’m in love with his shouty voice and the fact his middle name is Meredith and Weller's FACE (literally this look of shock needs to be a reaction gif because it's AMAZING), but lol it all totally works, and Zack sends away the guards and apologises to Rich that he feels that way but makes it clear that he didn't steal anything-- they developed it together and he asked Rich to join him to complete it but Rich stayed to finish college, taking the 'safe way out', and you can see ffrom Rich's face that it's true. And okay Rich said earlier that nobody likes a prequel but seriously I would watch a whole movie about this backstory. For real, show, give it to me now. But anywho turns out their target isn't actually their target after all-- he no longer has any reason to need lots of lithium as he sold that part of his company-- and then he even offers Rich a spot on his team. Naww Rich wants to beat him up and it’s adorable

Aw Jane brings Roman and Nas back to her place to give Roman a chance to settle himself beore they look at any other places. Ugh she's such the caring big sister, getting him water and trying to soothe him and making Nas give him some space. She's so cute and self-conscious about her safehouse (still feel weird about her being back in the same one, given the bad memories of That Night) and he throws back that at least her doors can open when she wants-- and she tells him that they didn't always. Roman's situation is tough because I can see how much it would suck to be locked up and treated pretty much like a prisoner, but at the same time I'm just like 'please be patient, they're trying to trust you' and ughhh it just sucks for everyone involved. And then he seems to try to settle himself, and looks around, noticing the frickin huge bouquet of roses on the table beside the couch. He asks who Oliver is, which means she hasn't talked to Roman about him yet, which is kinda disappointing-- I want her to tell him all about Oliver and Weller and her feelings and I want him to be a confidante for her (and to help her realise that Weller is still the one she wants lol). And then the flowers trigger a memory-- he's in a flower van watching Weller and a dark hairded woman having lunch, and sends a text that says the target (Weller?) is in sight, and gets one back from shepherd telling him to proceed. Aaaaahhhh but with whaaaatttt

So their target isn't Zack, but it's still someone within Daedalus. Patterson uses a camera hidden in a makeup thingie to send video back to 'lenny and squiggy' in the van-- who can also apparently hear her and Boston's conversation, meaning they can hear him complaining endlessly abut Rich but also hear her blow up at him about all the things she went through with Borden and David and ugh my baby has been holding that in for so long. And then lol 'you feel better?' 'kinda'. I love that Boston was the one to be able to help her in a way that no one else had been able to, because while they were gently trying to coax her feelings out of her he just set off a mini explosion which finally let her breathe once it was off her chest. And then by moving back to his problems he shifts the focus off her. I love these twoooo ugh

Meanwhile Rich is also more focused on his own problems-- in his case, acknowledging that he did chicken out and give up on the software in order to finish his degree. But dammit I need more backstory here-- were there other reasons he stayed behind? A mother who desperately wanted to see her son finish college? An elderly grandparent that he was the carer for and couldn't just move to silicone valley and leave them behind? Weller tries to get him to refocus but instead Rich is the one trying to make HIM see clearly-- "don't waste your life on missions. You grab Jane now before somebody else does (...)" and ugh Weller's face. His mouth moves like he's trying to find the words to deny it all and tell Rich to shut up but he knows Rich is hitting the mark. He still wants Jane even though he knows how much he shouldn't. I wish we'd gotten to hear what he would have said in response to that, but then we're interrupted by the beginning of ~the ritual~. And then omg here's another shriek laugh as he says "this better not be a sex thing" and Rich replies "if it is we should probably go along with it right? Don't wanna blow our cover" and omggggg the look Weller gives him. I love these two SO MUCH. I decided to name them ‘Welch’ (I've seen WelCom around which is good too). Ennis approved of Welch tho so I'm sticking to it haha. 

Meanwhile Patterson and Boston managed to avoid being stuck inside for the ritual and are currently sneaking somewhere, and she gives him shit about ‘Boston Arliss Crabb’ being his real name-- she'd thought it was an alias like Rich's, but while everyone here knew Rich as Gord, Boston was just Boston-- and he retorts that she can't talk when her first name is.... aaaand she interrupts him because she sees someone up ahead. Dammit, writers, you're so cruel. Just tell us her name!! Clearly it must be something either quite unusual OR something totally whitebread and boring, since he's judging her for it. Personally I've always stuck with Tiffany, just because I like the thought of her having a super girly name (and one that does seem to get unfairly associated with being an airhead). 

Anyhow Weller and Rich try to leave to go join them to follow this guy, but the guards block their way--- so Weller kicks both their asses and steals one's gun, before heading for the exit with Rich in tow. I love the guy that pipes up "Oh you're definitely banned now, Gord" to which Rich throws back "Oh, suck it, Phineas." Which will now and forever be my new insult hahaha. And then I love the clever little aside "What's wrong with rich people?" "We get bored". Yep, that explains a lot of things happening in the world, doesn't it? Anyway mystery guy heads into another building, pursued by Patterson and Boston (though Boston pauses briefly to admire some art outside) and they step into the deserted building-- only to find him right there waiting for them. They try to talk their way out of it (cue another shriek-laugh at Boston’s "We came in here to have sex with each other" and Patterson’s little "Oh") but unfortunately their acting isn't that great haha. Their fighting is pretty good though-- Patterson takes on the guy with a gun while in heels and wielding just a crowbar, while Boston valiantly tackles the other guy and risks those delicate artist's hands to punch him in the face multiple times. Weller calls for Reade and Zapata, then tells Rich to hold out a hand-- Rich gets all excited thinking he's gonna get a gun, whereas I am inexplicably expecting them to just hold hands-- but instead we're both disappointed as Weller cuffs Rich to the art sculpture out front. But ugh he does it to protect him because he knows he's about to be running into a firefight and doesn't want to put Rich at risk??? Awww my babies do care about each other. I love the subtle nod to gun safety that Rich makes as Weller runs off too. No one can ever say this show isn't at least a little political. But omg Weller gets in there to help but Patterson and Boston have pretty much got it sorted, with her stomping on her guys hand in her heels to get his gun and Boston knocking out his guy with a can of paint. The grin and thumbs up that they share is the MOST ADORABLE thing ever. Are they friends now because I would be so happyyyyy

Outside, Rich's friend from the party finds him cufffed to the sculpture, jokingly asking 'a little trouble with your date?' which lbr is not that far off. But then poor Rich makes the mistake of being honest (that never works out well, bro, you know that) and admits to working with the FBI-- then immediately knows he's about to get a gun pulled on him since he's just found the bad guy. Who does pull out a gun, but just shoots the cuffs to free him, and can I just say I totally called it that Rich has a very girlish scream lol. Thankfully the guy 'needs him alive' for whatever reason so we're safe for now. He also knows that he's Rich Dot Com oooohhhh plot twistttt

Jane and Roman and Nas have found the restaurant where Roman was watching weller. In a strange display of trust (has Nas given Roman some of that tracker water too? I bet she has) she walks off to check in with Weller, leaving Jane and Roman alone-- conveniently meaning that if he has another flash, Jane will be the only one to witness it. Which he does-- he sees a couple hugging in the doorway (they look a lot like one of the couples that was dancing near Weller and Rich actually... same extras?) and then remembers Weller hugging the woman before she got in her car and Roman crashed into her with the van before smothering her. Okay firstly how do you have a crash in the middle of NYC in daytime and then SMOTHER the victim without anyone seeing?? And secondly that kind of asphyxiation leaves evidence such as finger bruises around the mouth-- she wouldn't even need an autopsy to note that. And thirdly oh my godddd she died on the way back from meeting Weller, which means he would have absolutely blamed himself, like 'If only we had met soemwhere else or picked a different day or if I had done this or that differently’ uuughhhhhh my poor babyyyyy why must he suffer so muchhhhhhh

And ugh Roman immediately tells Jane that he killed Weller's friend Emma (ugh in the memory he soothes Emma, telling her it's okay, and ugh thi is awful for everyone involved) and Jane is so horrified that they both had ties to Emma's death, since Emma would have known that Jane wasn't Taylor. And ugh my precious Roman wants to tell Nas straight away, which shows he's already a better person than he was before the wipe-- but Jane won't let him. She's protecting him from Nas and from repercussions of what he did, but she's also protecting Weller from getting this news abruptly thrust upon him. She promises that she'll tell him, and god I hope she will...

Poor Rich is being forced to hack into a computer at gunpoint, in order to open some kind of thing that gets them the stuff they need for a dirty bomb. The bombing itself will be blamed on the poor dead Bolivian guy lying on the floor in the corner-- and so the team is proved right, someone was trying to start a war between the US and another country. Rich is adorably doing his best to talk the guy out of it, saying that the FBI knows the truth and that he'll be caught, but the guy says that once there's been an attack on their own soil, "the truth isn't gonna matter". Wow, again with the politics. This show packs a very subtle punch. And omg Rich is still refusing because he may be a criminal but he doesn't hurt people (generally. I know he did kill that guy in 1x09 but shhhh) and then the baddie SHOOTS HIM IN THE FOOT. Oh Richy my baby, you don't deserve this. Thankfully the team will soon be to your rescue, bc they're tracking you right now (they think you went on the run, so disrespectful of them) and they also found a key thing from the campus lab-- which the tracker says is where Rich is, plus the baddie, whose phone they tracked. Of course hubby immediately jumps to the rescue, finding Rich while the other are still searching. Then omg the baddie grabs Rich and threatens Weller that his 'buddhist friend will get his third eye' and of course Rich has to correct him that that's actually a Hindu thing and both of them yell for him to shut up haha. But ugh baddie is using Rich as a shield and Weller apologises and says he can't let him get away, and Rich is all ‘uh that's okay, why are you apologising’--  and then bam Weller shoots him in the leg, causing him to drop and leaving the baddie exposed, who immediately surrenders (bc lbr, if a guy is willing to shoot a member of his own team, he'll sure as hell shoot you). Weller immediately calls for an ambulance for Rich though, so at least there's that. And lol Rich still manages to give him a jibe about being too obsessed with the movie Speed, which is a cool throwback and is just overall really cute and ugh these two

Nawwww Patterson and Boston deciding maybe they don't totally hate each other after all. And then she sees him looking at the nameplate on the sculpture-- he'd actually made it, back in 2001. I can't quite see how it represents 'Wind through the pines' but then I'm much more of an impressionist fan than a contemporary/abstract fan. But aw she calls him talented and asks how he became a criminal and he looks at Rich and says he followed his heart. Naaawww I ship itttt     

Awwww Mom and Dad visiting their lil boy in hospital. Such a brave boy. And omg Jane is such a sassmaster: "Redemption is its own reward" ahahahahahaaaa oh man I love their relationship. But lbr, there's totally gonna be a knock on Rich's door sometime soon and a nurse will come in and give him a little package that was dropped off for him, and he’ll open it to find a little plastic medal with HERO stamped on the front and he will cherish it FOREVER. Also lol when she pats his thigh does he say "geeez that's close?" aka being mildly sexual or am I just mishearing him saying “geez that hurts”? But then just as mom and dad are about to leave him all alone in the big scary hospital, he entices them with solving another tattoo, revealing that he knows exactly what they're up to-- which is fascinating?? Does he know why they're trying to solve them? How far does his knowledge go?? Will this turn out to be one of those things where someone could have found out all the answers they were seeking just by asking the right person? (like Weller showing Jane the yearbook that led them to Shepherd's real name?) And then ughhhh he only asks for Boston to be moved to minimum security. This guy is too cute sometimes. Also lol "I'm here every other week" yaaaasss please come back every week lol. I love that they've set him up to come back, ugh thank you writers

Oooh Patterson's read up on Dr Sun, apparently she was present in Nas's team at the NSA when the Sandstorm mole was revealed, had even expressed concerns about the person herself. But that doesn't mean we should trust her! Dr Sun is almost as shady as Nas is, definitely do not tell her ANYTHING. 

Lol Reade, coming home to a clean, empty apartment is a GOOD thing. Tell you what's not a good thing? Cocaine!! Gawd man what are you dooooooinggggggg. You need to see someone abput this self-destructive behaviour (not Dr Sun though) before you combust!

Awww Jeller strolling through the corridors together, joking about Patterson and Rich, being all super cute... and then he asks about Roman and she clams up. NO JANE NO. YOU KNOW WHAT LYING LEADS TO, PLEASE LEARN YOUR LESSON AND TELL HIM BEFORE HE FINDS OUT SOME OTHER WAY. YOU'RE ALREADY IN THIS SAME PREDICAMENT WITH ROMAN, DON'T BOX YOURSELF IN ON ALL SIDES UGHHHHH. Seriously honey you need to go to his apartment later with more beers, sit him down and tell him everything. He's not the same out-of-control guy that arrested you, I swear. Ughh. But ugh then he admits he actually kinda maybe enjoyed spending the day with Rich (oh how Rich would weep with joy to hear that) and then they bond over the fact that Weller got to shoot him, something they have all low-key (or high-key) wanted to do since the moment they met him haha. And ugh this is such a cute little jokey moment (remember when they couldn't even bear to look at each other and now there's heart eyes everywhere again ughhhh) and lbr Weller might even have been about to offer to get some drinks or something when they are-- as always-- interrupted, this time by a text from Oliver. Which in a way I'm happy about because it led to the casually awkward (or awkwardly casual) little exchange about her going on a date and gave Weller the opportunity to realise he doesn't really like the idea of Jane being out on dates with people who aren't him. Bet Rich’s warning is ringing in your ears now, huh buddy??

Oh I forgot this scene even existed. Apparently Nas and Weller can't figure out what the Truman protocol is, other than there might have been some meetings in the 40s. And then woahhhh here's a twist with the next scene: Borden is working with that Zack Riley guy, who is apparently a key player in Sandstorm's Phase Two! Boom. Hope this means Rich can come back and engage in some kind of hack-war with him to defuse the missile....      

Anyway phew done with like twenty mins to spare, time to get my livestream set up for today’s ep! 

My Melfest Rankings Or Discourse Or Whatever

this goes in order from least liked to most liked, also i can’t do cuts from my phone so this is gonna be long and i’m sorry — Road Trip – Ok. While it would be nice to see Sweden either sing in Swedish or send a novelty act…I don’t want it to be this one. It’s annoying and the live vocals aren’t great, and the car gimmick fails to draw me in. Also, why is this “DJ Hunk” just standing there? This overall confuses me and is one of the Melfest entries I can’t stand.

Vart Har Du Vart – I can see why this placed last. It’s nice that Sweden is trying something new, but this genre is not one I enjoy. That, plus Allyawan’s somewhat questionable live vocals, adds up to a not-nice rank both for me and in Melfest.

Du Får Inte Ӓndra På Mig – It’s certainly a sweet song, and they’re perfectly fine singers. But to be honest? This is dated and boring, and would have given Sweden its second non-qualifier.

Mitt Liv – It’s a perfectly good song, but with the contest already dominated by female ballads, this is the last thing Sweden wants to send (except maybe De Vet Du). It doesn’t have much build, either, and while I’m sure this would have done great in earlier Eurovisions, it simply doesn’t have the staying power to succeed in 2017. I appreciate the sparkly guitar though.

Boogieman Blues –I would love for this to go to Eurovision purely for the meme value. And while I love this kind of retro music and Owe seems like a cool dude, it seems a little off. I don’t know if something went wrong or what in the performance but it just didn’t seem to make a ton of sense.

I Don’t Give A – I have three main critiques about this one. First, what is she wearing? Second, seeing her face projected behind her is a little unnerving. Third, and most critically, the verse and the chorus sound like two different songs. I can tell why this got Andra Chansen - I think that Lisa is a very good vocalist and a good performer who is very likely to win Melfest in the near future but I strongly doubt this is her year. This is not a good song for her.

Amare – Oh Adrijana. What is a little Albanian girl doing singing in Swedish? I love her ballerinas and her stage presence - she’s really having a good time there - but this isn’t really a good… song. This sounds like something that my choir friends would listen to. That isn’t necessarily bad but it’s honestly not for me. I’d love to see Adrijana return with a different song, maybe one that sits a little higher in her range.

Good Lovin’ – Disclaimer: I had to watch the music video for this one and not the live performance. Like many of the finalists, this sounds almost like something I’d hear on the radio or at an acapella party. This kind of music is no fun at Eurovision. Not quite sure how I feel about the song itself. I feel like I expected a bit more and it didn’t give what I thought I’d get. (Edit: it’s also not memorable AT ALL. I can’t for the life of me remember even the chorus.)

Gotta Thing About You – I’m not quite sure why I hate this so much. Decent vocals and very good dancing…I should like it, right? Maybe it’s lyrics like “you make me wanna wag my tail” and “you got the goods I’ll be getting” that puts me off. Maybe it’s the genre. I don’t know. (Edit: this has kind of grown on me, but I still don’t like it very much.)

I Can’t Go On – Generic, radio friendly pop song. Nothing really special about this. I don’t think I like his whole singing backstage thing. Seems a little like trying too hard… but it went direkt til final so I guess it worked. Also, Robin comes across as kind of douchey to me.

Bound To Fall – Sheppard meets The Lumineers. It doesn’t quite work but this is something I’d want in my iTunes library nonetheless.

One More Night – It sounds like someone spliced Amanecer with To The Sky. It sounds nice though. I think one thing that didn’t really work in Dinah’s favor is that she kind of gives me a cool mom vibe? Which is great, but it doesn’t work for her as a performer right now, and makes this youthful pop song and especially the rapping seem kind of off. She seems a little too old for her own music if that makes any sense.

Hearts Align – I would have liked this song about two years ago. While the chorus is still pretty good, it’s not a standout and I’m pretty sure this won’t come out of Andra Chansen.

Up – One of the genres I wouldn’t ever think of competing in Melfest. Not the best vocals but a fun song itself. The roller skates were an unexpectedly nice touch.

Statements – First thing: love love love the dancing. The running bit in the second verse was a bit weird but beyond that the staging was my favorite part of the song. You really felt like you were in the world, you know? That having been said, I think there was a little too much going on in this song instrumentally. There are weird, random noises that take away from the song and honestly? I can see why this got Andra Chansen. Were it any other singer singing it, it wouldn’t have qualified. Loreen is an astounding vocalists but I think her fame is what really carried her through.

Kiss You Goodbye – Someone called this the Swedish answer to Shawn Mendes? I would agree, I think. I feel bad that he’s facing Loreen in Andra Chansen - against, say, FO&O or De Vet Du he’d definitely make it to the final. As it is, he has particularly low odds to win because he has the most difficult Andra Chansen duel. Poor man. Deserves better. I like his song. (Post-AC edit: I TOTALLY WASNT EXPECTING THAT. YOU GO ANTON HAGMAN)

Snurra Min Jord – Krista looks so great in that outfit and of course I remember her delightfully trashy number from 2013. She’s just an amazing performer. I love everything about this… except for the kaleidoscope effect, which REALLY puts me off the song. The song is a little too electro for my taste but overall I do like it a lot.

Himmel Och Hav – I unironically love this. As a musician, this is one of my favorite compositions in Melfest. It sounds epic - and this, I think, is his downfall, because it doesn’t sound like a Eurovision song, it sounds like it should be in a fantasy movie. I am also a little confused as to what he is wearing. I don’t think it’s traditional Sami, although I know Roger is part Sami, so that would be an explanation, but it sort of looks like China and Scandinavia got drunk and had a baby.

Gravity – She has a great voice, great presence, I love the red. I can’t find much fault with this beyond that the other songs are just better. One of the debutants I’d love to see return.

Running With Lions – Gosh I love her. She has to come back, ok??? Ok??? Her voice isn’t really my favorite ever but she is a good singer - just not to my taste. She seems super cute and if she ever wins Melfest you can catch me making a fanstagram.

När Ingen Ser – I’m not sure why everyone hates this - likely because it’s what knocked Alice out of the running, which I don’t think is super fair. This is pretty good. I’m especially impressed by the dancing. Another reason I like this so much is because Axel is one of those debutants who looks like he’s just having the time of his life up there, like Adrijana. I hope this beats Lisa Ajax in Andra Chansen. (Post-AC edit: i am SO SALTY that this didn’t qualify!!! He deserves the final way more than Lisa Snakejax. Peppapönk got treated to a whole rant earlier today.)

A Million Years – Another song where I couldn’t find the performance (odd, because I found Owe’s just fine), but I know this is the one where the dancers are kind of hanging from the ceiling. She has a good, very pure voice but the song is a little underwhelming. Nevertheless it’s well done and doesn’t sound too mainstream for Eurovision as is the problem with many Melfest entries.

Wild Child – I just love this woman. She emulates sass and her song this year is, characteristically, anthemic. Unlike with Dinah Nah, I have no trouble believing this song is the right song for her. I have no idea whether she’d do well or fail in Kiev because this song is just so unlike what you usually hear. I’m curious to see how the international audience would respond to this and I’d love to see her go to ESC soon.

As I Lay Me Down – WIKTORIA! She’s such a good performer and I love her style. My only thing with her is her voice. While she has energy and power, and is technically accurate, her voice is pushy and shouty and overall too aggressive for my taste. But she’s amazing enough at everything else that I sort of give her a pass for that.

En Värld Full Av Strider – This song sounds epic if you only listen to the chorus. There isn’t a real verse, or at least not so far as I can tell. Another one of those songs that sounds like it ought to be in a movie soundtrack.

Crucified – I love this. I made a vow to love Bella and Filippa when the artists were first revealed and they had the lowest odds…and they did NOT disappoint. Chorus is kinda repetitive and I honestly expected more harmonies but I love this shit. They are my precious children. Even though they’re like a year older than me. They’re still my daughters.

Her Kiss – Ok, what is it with me and ex-footballers? First Axel and now Boris, and I love them both. This song is just SO catchy, I love his voice, and I’m loving the performance too. I know this isn’t his year to win but I’m going to hope for it anyway.

Hold On – Yes, look at me being basic with my fave once again. But of the main contenders - Ace, Mariette, Wiktoria, and this - I definitely like Nano the best. His vocals are better than Ace’s or Wiktoria’s, at least in the studio version. And I connect to it, you know? In my head I connect the lyrics to anxiety and stuff so that makes me like it more.

Anger and Empathy: The Lasting Accomplishments of the Women’s March on Washington — Part III

By David Himmel

"Anger and Empathy" is a three-part report. This is its final chapter. Read Part I and Part II.

The Future is Coming, and Love is a Warrior, Not a Battlefield

The ride back home is never as exciting as the ride out to wherever because reflection is not nearly as exciting as the unknown.

We stopped for breakfast in Clear Spring, Maryland at the Clear Spring Country Diner smack in the middle of Trump Country. A huge blue Trump sign lurked through the fog across the road from us. It is a poorly laid out restaurant that at first glance looks like someone gutted their home and tossed a grill, a few coffee makers, and some tables and booths in place of a washer and dryer, couch and TV. The folks at the diner couldn’t have been any nicer.We received assistance from a crippled man with a camouflage cane and vest. He recognized we weren’t sure where to go or what to do without a host sign. Just a customer himself, he directed us to the dining area in the back with open seats. We received smiles from the other patrons as we passed their booths.

As we looked over the menu, I considered a number of women I saw at the March wearing t-shirts and holding signs that read “The Future is Female.” I asked Jessica and Nicolette what their interpretation of the saying was. “Because,” I said, “it can be construed to some as a call for a totalitarian-women takeover. But I don’t think that’s its intention.”

“Shouldn’t women take over?” Nicolette said. “Men have had control long enough.”

“But is that fairness?” I asked.

“The pendulum swings both ways,” she said.

“But that’s not equality. That’s trading one gender in power for another. I don’t think that’s what you were marching for.”

Nicolette backed down. She was tired—we had left early—and the buzz of yesterday’s march had begun to wear off. She was feeling the weight of that wet, depression blanket again. It was making her angry. The dreary weather gawking at us out the window while we ate our eggs and marble rye toast in direct view of that giant Trump sign wasn’t helping her mood.

“For me, it’s a balancing of power,” Jessica said. “I interpret it as egalitarianism. It’s shared power.”

Nicolette said, “We need heroines. We almost had one.”

We dipped briefly into debate about Hillary Clinton’s failed campaign and all of the things that helped it fail including its marketing efforts. Which led us back to my question about the intended meaning of the phrase, “The Future is Female.”

“We need to explain ourselves better,” Jessica explained better. “We have to connect to how we are the same and not how we’re different. Trump won because he was a great marketer. He did that better this time.”

As Jessica navigated the westbound roads, Nicolette used her phone to play select speeches from the prior day’s rally. That helped her mood. It immediately lifted her from her funk. She and Jessica wept and held hands, invigorated once again, as they had been yesterday. Sisters in arms, always. Dean and I sat in the backseat. He did his best to preserve the moments with his camera as delicately as possible.

“I need to save these and watch them when I’m feeling dark. Eating blueberries, and Gloria Steinem is good for the soul,” Jessica said.

With the distraction of feeding the soul, however, we nearly ran out of gas. We considered doubling back to the last known exit with services. Our math against the map and the road signs told us we’d be better to stay the course. Jessica kept the Prius at the eco-friendliest speed as possible. I suggested that we move into the right lane so we don’t become the most hated people on the road. The Prius is an incredible machine. It was interesting to watch the miles left to empty actually increase as we continued to empty the tank just by driving it.

So what next? People wondered what the point of the Women’s March on Washington was. What did it hope to achieve? Its mission covered a lot of items. Women’s rights or human rights are encompassing things. And anyone who thought that any one political issue would be swayed or goal achieved with the March was either fooling themselves or didn’t march, or both. I’m in favor of women’s rights and human rights, and I, too, wasn’t sure what the March hoped to achieve. I knew that only by being there, could I understand its purpose and by being there, I understand what it did.

It rallied the troops. It showed the disaffected that they were not alone. That even within their masses there were even more masses in other cities and in other countries. And every single one of them—of us—in those masses gathered and protested and inspired themselves and others in a completely democratic and peaceful way.

“Perhaps the most important gift of the March is a restored sense of optimism,” Jessica told me after we’d returned to Chicago. “Hope doesn’t feel dangerous anymore. For the first time since [Election Day], I believe that we can affect change. That we can remove the wicked crowbar that was thrown into the spokes of our wheel and use it to leverage something better for the future. There will be damages. We won’t come out unscathed. But like a re-knitted bone, perhaps we’ll emerge stronger and sturdier, better equipped to deal with the rough and tumble of a vicious political storm.”

And in the month since the March, we’ve seen that. Almost daily protests and gatherings to speak out against what Trump and the Brotherhood of Evil CEOs are doing or trying to do. And what’s more, the charge sparked by the March is speaking for those who have less, it’s speaking in support of and favor of helping those who have no support and cannot help themselves. It’s more than the protests and marches. It’s the people in action, working hard to defend true liberty, and in the case of (legal) immigrants and refugees, remind us and inform the Brotherhood of the words inscribed at the feet of Lady Liberty: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

The March inspired awareness and action. “It’s still easy to fall back into the depths, even after such an incredible and uplifting experience—possibly because of it,” said Nicolette. “I’m starting to realize that the only way to stave off the depression of the next four years and their echoes beyond, is to continue to take action.

The March rallied the troops. It showed the disaffected that they were not alone... And what’s more, the charge sparked by the March is speaking for those who have less, it’s speaking in support of and favor of helping those who have no support and cannot help themselves. It’s more than the protests and marches.

“I have loaded all of my representatives contact info into my address book. I’m vowing to myself to contact them daily to demand they represent me and my voice. I’m demanding to be heard on issues and legislation surrounding human rights, civil rights, environmental protection and reproductive rights. I’ve signed up for my senators’ and representatives’ mailing lists to keep abreast of the legislation they're working on.

“I’m planning to further educate myself about local government and how I can become involved and support it. I’m planning to continue the work of the Women's March on Washington by creating, and helping facilitate, a small action group to participate in the 10 Actions in 100 Days action which the movement has set up.

“I want to help—through fundraisers and sponsorship—get large groups of people to the many rallies and marches that are sure to sprout up. There’s already talk of a march on Washington again on Apr. 15 in order to demand that Trump release his taxes and I will definitely be there.

“I’ve begun advising a small group of friends about where their upcoming fundraiser dollars might be best allocated, and I’m incredibly honored and excited to be asked for my council. I’d like to start to hold monthly fundraisers for Planned Parenthood and NARAL, with a focus not only on generating dollars, but also on raising awareness about our impending loss of rights and access.”

This kind of hope is not limited to Jessica and Nicolette. The March energized and organized and that’s exciting. Maybe this is the decade where we do what the 1960s and 1970s couldn’t, which is initiate real progressive change that sticks. Where we learn from our mistakes and don’t fall back into bad habits.

But that’s the hard part for me. I’m skeptical that we can’t and that we’ll find ourselves facing another vicious enemy again soon.

There were lots of “Love Always Wins” signs. And I don’t believe that. I don’t believe that love always wins. Not ultimately, anyway. Love wins battles but it has yet to win a war. Because, like other signs said, “I Can’t Believe I Still Have To Protest This Shit.” Love wins battles then rests on its victory. It gets comfortable and the bile and hatred and fear rise again. That’s human nature. It’s happened at every turn throughout all of history. Peace, war; three steps forward, two steps back.

If love always wins, we’d all still be floating on high from the camaraderie 9/11 gave us. Because catastrophe brings us together. If love could hold a win, we wouldn’t have seen the greed of banks and their CEOs decimate the people and the economy as has been the case since the days of the original Robber Barons. We wouldn’t have allowed them to get to that powerful point. Not again, anyway. But we forget. If love was always winning, police brutality wouldn’t be an issue. And neither would gender bathrooms.

Love doesn’t always win because love is hard. It takes a lot of work and it can be exhausting. Love is harder than hate, and it's a helluva lot harder than indifference. So no, love does not always win and justice does not always prevail. Maybe love will win in the long run. But the long run won’t be known until we’re all gone from this planet. Until we have drawn human history to a close. And because love doesn’t always win, it will likely be by our own hands that we exterminate our time on this planet long before our solar system goes dark.

But I believe that love is worth fighting for. And yeah, nihilism can get the best of me. And depression can weigh me down. But love is worth fighting for. Because we have to try. That, too, is human nature. We fight to survive despite how hard we often fight to ruin ourselves. It’s a strange balance between the ego and id, between selflessness and selfishness, between awareness and utter idiocy. And if we fight hard enough, long enough and never stop, we’ll keep winning battles and we’ll stay in the war. And because love won’t always win, there will always be a need to keep fighting and we’ll always need true heroes.

So what did the March do? Showed us that we were going to fight and the weeks that followed have proven that we will. We’ll fight for our rights and the rights of those who hate us. Because we’re fighting for human rights and despite their grotesque behavior and vile ideas, our enemies are human, too.

Jessica said it best when she told me, “The diversity of the other marchers is where hope shone brightest for me. So many people of color. And so many men! Scads more than I thought would attend. When I feel discouraged about how far we still have to go, I’m buoyed up by the reminder of how far we’ve come. And the hard evidence for that was obvious in the makeup of the crowd.

“When you see photos or footage of feminist marches from the ’70s, it’s almost all white women. Fast forward forty years and the sons of those feminists and open-hearted men are marching through the streets with and for their daughters and wives. Not to rescue or protect them, but stand beside them and behind them charging into battle. That’s progress.”

Life Hacks in The Pursuit of Surviving the Leap from the Cliff

by Don Hall

I’ll confess. Jumping off the cliff of the comfortable familiarity to the virtual unknown provides slews of perspective. The process of gaining an outlook on who you are in the world, who you think you are, and who everyone else sees you to be is both painstaking and staggering in depth.

Part of me assumed that some of my street cred in the Chicago landscape would somehow make things a bit easier, the landing a bit gentler, when coming to Vegas. I mean, it’s still in the United States, yes? There are Starbucks and IHOPs and 7-11s here, right? It isn’t like Nevada is another fucking planet. 

Except, in so many ways, it is.

In Chicago, I had carved out a place in the Live Lit and Theater scenes. While I was more notorious than anything else in many cliques of those worlds, I was known. I hosted The Moth for five years, for Chrissakes! Except no one in Las Vegas has even heard of The Moth and there is no Live Lit scene. I mean, there are, maybe, four open mics open to poetry, storytelling and the like and the rest of the nine monthly nights are UNLV type things. Sure, there’s the Black Mountain Institute (UNLV) and they do some pretty cool festivals (#BelieverFest) but the target audience is thin. My time and energy amounts to completely starting over because no one here knows to give a shit.

In Chicago, I spent a decade creating an entire Events department at one of the largest public radio stations in the country and house managed one of the most popular NPR shows in history. Except that the public radio station here has 11,000 members in a population of 2.5 million, have produced one original event in the past three years, and no one here has even heard of that NPR juggernaut of the “Wait Wait” stylings.

In terms of the non-stop pursuit of the Almighty Dollar, it only helps that I was the House Manager of Millennium Park if people in Nevada know what Millennium Park is but they don’t. “Uhm…it’s like Chicago’s version of Central Park” is the best descriptor I’ve come up with so far.

In Chicago, I had my parking spots worked out. I knew where to go to get a haircut. I had my favorite bars. In other words, I had my life hacks.

Now new to the Mojave, I’ve had to come up with a few new hacks to make life just a bit easier, the transition a bit smoother.

FIND YOUR STARBUCKS

Yes, Starbucks is the awful mega chain that put countless independent coffee shops out of business here in Las Vegas. There are far fewer Starbucks in Vegas than in Chicago and the indie coffee scene is percolating. That said, I’m heading to Starbucks because they offer free fucking WiFi. When the independent places offer free internet without the hassle of getting a password or limit on my Sitting on My Ass, Writing Things for Three Hours on My iPad Pro time, I’m there. Until then, I go where the burnt coffee lives.

PRETEND YOU’RE IN MAYBERRY

Las Vegas looks like a city with 2.5 million residents but it behaves like a tiny town in the center of the heartland. As one person put it “the different communities tend to circle their wagons around new people.” Given the relative newness of the city compared to much older places combined with the strange mix of tourists, long -time residents, and transient transplants, making it here is a more delicate balance. The standard “bull in a china shop” approach that worked in Chicago doesn’t play here (unless you have a fucking crater filled with cash).

VOLUNTEER A LOT

The best way to get to know a new city is to volunteer for things you used to be in charge of. The Nevada Preservation Foundation has been a great start. I spent a day as a docent for a historic Boulder City home, met a ton of people, and enjoyed the day. Given the Mayberry-esque nature of Vegas, I met a bunch more people when Dana and I were volunteer tour guides in the historic Binion’s Casino and discovered that some of those people knew the people I had met the day before as well as folks I’d met at the BMI and KNPR. And the hors d'oeuvres were awesome.

THANK DAVID AND KATIE FOR THAT WINDSHIELD SUNBLOCK THING

Goddamn. You only have to get in your car and find the steering wheel so hot it burns your palms to it like that kid’s tongue in A Christmas Story once. Then you praise the thoughtful and pragmatic gift the Himmel’s gave you for Christmas.

OFF STRIP CASINOS

I don’t gamble. It’s certainly fun to win money and, if I ever did, I might gamble. But I don’t. Ever. Win money, that is. The casino/hotels on the strip are beautiful and amazing and expensive and are designed to part you from your rubles, comrade. The off strip casinos are still casinos but feel more like community centers. The people watching is better because the clientele comes from the city rather than Iowa. And, while the buffets aren’t as high-end, they’re generally pretty good and far cheaper than the ones on the strip.

GET A CAR PHONE HOLDER THAT FITS OVER THE AC VENT

Seriously. When, like I do, you rely on GPS to find your ass with both hands, having your phone overheat 30 seconds from getting on the road, that kickass phone holder that juts up and out from the windshield is more liability than aid. Right in front of the vent and the phone stays cool and functions. And you don’t accidentally end up at Hoover Dam when you were just headed for Albertsons.

MANAGE YOUR STRESS

That say that Americans are suffering from more depression and anxiety at earlier ages than ever before in recorded history. This despite the fact that, according to The Woke, life was far worse in the ‘40s and ‘50s. They also say that stress is likely a lot to do with this sad fact. When jumping off a cliff into an unknown city to start a new life (like a pioneer on the Oregon Trail except with a Prius, antibiotics, and Slim Jims) finding ways to calm down, get some perspective, and remember this place is extraordinary is essential. Best thing to do? Go outside in your bare feet wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Every morning. Sit quietly for a few minutes at night and look at stars you haven’t seen in decades. Go to the strip and just look at all the neon and human activity and understand that you are not important but what you do with your limited time can be.

I don’t suffer from anxiety, depression, or even a lot of stress. Perhaps it’s because I don’t gamble and explains the Han Solo hair. I do, however, understand the idea of readjusted expectations. I do comprehend something that chattering voice in the back of my skull keeps telling me: I am not employable so I need to employ myself. This is not to say that I can’t make money or work for a company of some stripe. It is to say that at 53 years old (supposedly the second most creative time in anyone’s life is their 50’s) I’m the best boss I’m ever gonna have.

That resting on your laurels thing only works if you kept the laurels (whatever the fuck laurels are…)

The best life hack for my migration to the desert is writing, playing my trumpet, telling stories, creating Live Lit shows, meeting people, doing some grunt work, and taking my own advice instead of just giving it. Also, ignoring most of everyone else’s problems because most of them don’t give a flat fuck what I think anyway.

I’ve found Vickie’s Diner, Big Dog Brewery, Stephanie Street, the UNLV campus, The Writer’s Block, Rebar, the buffet at Boulder Station Casino, Ninja Karaoke, a gym for $31 a month that has a pool, hot tub, sauna and a steam room, and at least three Starbucks I can drive to and enjoy the free WiFi.

I’m fitting in nicely.