#anyways anxious about class so post indulgent art made for my friend | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

xxkaibutsukoxx · 6 years

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I think this is a vent, so please skip if you don't wanna deal with long, self-indulgent post, you deserves so much better.

I think I'm having an art burn-out and I'm almost at the point giving up.

What caused for this? Could be anything really, could be because I do art and draw for projects in university, could be because I moved out and is busier than ever with chores and work and too tired to do anything else, could be because I'm doubting myself seeing new and higher levels of skills from people at my age or younger than me in my class and everywhere else.

But I think it is because I'm scared that I'm not living up to the expectations and admiration from ones who looked up to me.

I've deleted an anon from a week ago, saying how my style has changed as well as my concepts and posting schedule, and though they are not yet liking what they saw, they would still support me. It sounded like someone who was genuinely wanting to continue to look up to me, even if I changed, but I was angry and scared somehow, to that anon, I'm sorry for being angry, I was scared because you were right.

I changed, my art changed, I lied about wanting to draw, I'm not happy with drawing anymore.

It was not recent that my blogs are usually focused on uploading only one type of content, a certain fandom, a certain concept, I categorize my arts on what I draw for fun and what I draw to upload, to try and build an online persona that I was happy with, so I can feel like I was important, that I mattered.

Focusing started to became restricting, and after I joined the Gorillaz fandom I set a restrictions for myself on what I can post on my Tumblr blog, eventually my Instagram, and even Twitter. I tell myself that I'm having fun, and I did, I had so many memories, good and bad but I wanted to remember all of them, I talked to so many people, including with artists and writers I looked up to, I made friends that I'm extremely grateful for. But the happiness didn't last, I was starting to get worked up over what initially pushed me to go this far.

Expectations.

I try to know what people wanted, I try to learn why they followed me and liked what I post, and it became a ruler for everything I post online. What I draw, what I post and hell even what I reblog sometimes. I have a very strict self-policy of what I thought I want on my wall, and it was what my followers want. I have a strict schedule of posting so my followers can see what I did for them, I force myself to draw even when I don't want to just to have something to post. I was consumed by social media and for a while I was fine with that, because to be honest, outside of the Internet, I didn't have much to do, I always tell myself I'm nothing if I don't draw.

For months it was like that until Inktober 2018.

2017 was the year I genuinely had fun doing Inktober, but I know I set the bar too high for myself after that, it was because I was free back then and was fueled was so many ideas I wanted to translate to paper. But I tell myself, this was what so many people followed me for, and they will expect me to repeat this in 2018, I wanted to please them, so I did. I tried to.

I moved and worked on two large commissions and started my second semester that month, but an hour or less a day on a drawing everyday, not a big deal, right? But I was wrong. If I rush it, it looks horrible, and I have to be honest, I hated almost every piece from Inktober 2018, but I posted them anyways, because I know my followers are expecting them, I need to finish this, I can't be late, I tell myself I love this, I like how this turned out, even though I know it looks patched up and soulless. 31 days and not a day I don't regret doing the challenge and I hated myself everytime my right hand shakes from drawing too much for a long period of time. I tried to meet the expectations everyone had for me.

And I feel like I failed every single one of them.

November came and I dropped into an unexpected hiatus, I didn't thought I would be taking a break, but I unconsciously did because I felt sick trying to draw, even if it was just sketching. I managed to convinced myself to have this break and try to do something else that is not drawing. But after a few days nothing worked anymore, and I got back to drawing, but even that changed, and I was so fucking sad to know that I wasn't drawing because I like drawing anymore. Nothing looks good so I finished nothing, and relapsed into not doing anything in my little till non-existing time outside of school and work except for lying around being anxious of what's happening to my online persona.

I was stressed out because I scared that I'm disappointing people by disappearing, by not answering to pms and asks, and most of all, by not drawing and posting. Disappointments will go away but that left me with what I feared the most, being forgotten.

It's pathetic of me to get this upset with online platforms and I'm so sorry if you read till this point and know this side of me. I truly only want to vent as I don't really know what to do with myself anymore, many times I have considered to just disappeared without a trace just so I can escape from this labyrinth I built for myself, but the fear of failing expectations gets me back.

I'm so pathetic and I know that, I don't blame anyone aside from me and I'm sorry if you felt like crap after reading this.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

#negative #vent #delete later

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