My personal top 37 for Eurovision 2023 Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 I dont' even know what to say anymore, it has been the most exhausting ESC season ever for me and I just want this Saturday to come and go

11) Italy - song is alright (it actually grew on me in these weeks), Marco is a great singer and a cool guy, but half because I didn't want it to win Sanremo and half because I have actual favourites I'm spending the season worrying to death about, I have exactly zero interest about what happens to Due Vite in Liverpool

10) Moldova - how often does it happen to have two returning artists from the same year? Seeing Pasha and Loreen meet again was so cute! (and the fact that Ivi Adamou was there as well made the whole thing even better asdfghjffg) Anyway lol the song is awesome, Moldova incredibly managed to find a middle ground between genuine ethnodance and the amateurish country fair performance from last year, and I'm happy about it Lautar is also one of the few songs I actually love from 2012 btw, just as an add-on :'' He looks hella fine too but shh

9) United Kingdom - purely and simply a bop, it almost makes me forget how much of a tamarrata* it is asdfghjk As for its chances in Liverpool, if the pre-parties are of any indication, there's no way in hell this will get a top10 like many seem to predict, more like it will be lucky to get out of the bottom 5 :'' (*tamarrata = something camp and cringy and excessive, that sometimes you like exactly because of that lol)

8) Czechia - I usually adore songs with a women-supporting-women narrative, this one is no exception, and it also has a double reading which makes it even cooler I was a bit afraid that if they kept the aesthetic of the video on stage it could end up looking messy and uncoordinated, but luckily they decided to make it tidier and in fact their performance on Tuesday was amazing

7) Austria - This, this is how you do clever and funny This could have ended up being an apocalyptic level of trash but, ironically, the nonsense narrative keeps its feet on the ground Thankfully it seems like it's not a Halo 2.0, though the performance could have used being a lil bit more whimsical and energetic

6) France - I love how this starts tango-ish and then catches rhythm! I have no idea how it will go, France was my winner last year and I never would have imagined an almost last place for them, so yeah :'' I don't think they can snatch the win but I'd be on board with them trying purely because that would mean a new Sweden vs France death match which, like, AAAAAAAAAAAAA

5) Norway - this is the first song from this year I listened to and I'm still bobbing my head from that first time ahah This sounds like a song KEiiNO could have sung, which in my book is always a compliment We'll give her a wagon of points as soon as the commentators let it slip that she's Italian lol

4) Finland - This is me having a drunken dream while also never having been drunk in my whole life :'' Look, I love this song, or it wouldn't be in my top 5, it's a banger, it's fun and it's been stuck in my head since the first time I heard it in the studio version (the live rendition sucks, I know you all know but choose not to acknowledge it c:), I actually like the way it has two very different styles and the moment it leaves the rappish part to basically become the Carameldansen makes me fall from the chair every time It does deserve to do well. Does it deserve to win though? Ehhhh personally no, I don't think this is enough

3) Serbia - This year every time I think I have listened to the most feverdream-ish song of the line-up there comes another right after to prove me wrong lmao This is so weirdly composed, it pulls my nerves right out of me but like in a good way?? The part where Luke starts ''unplugging'' the dancers and his voice becomes low and rough gives me such a fine tingle in the stomach AHHHHH Serbia wants a win and it damn well shows, and maybe it won't happen this year but if they keep this up I don't think they will have to wait for much longer

2) Spain - this is genuinely amazing and I think it grew to be the only song that wouldn't make me want to set fire to the universe if it won in Sweden's place lol just because it's so ethnically artsy and well-sung and it has such sad melancholic good lyrics, plus I think Blanca would actually make a good winner ''Ay child, when I die let them bury me on the moon so that I'll see you every night, every night except one'' Best damn lyrics of the year hands down! This >>>>>>>>>>>>>> booty hypnotic

1) Sweden - The way she claims exactly every bit of the stage that she needs to, the way she shapes sound between her teeth, the desperation in her voice in the final part, the actual tattoo element which is important in her Berber culture, the creativity in the desert environment with both sand and sky, the double reference to the Atlas myth and the Atlas mountains, there's so much cool shit around this even if you don't like the song and so much to be happy about her participating again and so many people are choosing to stay mad for some of the most ridiculous reasons I've ever heard Unbelievable Not to mention that ''it's a song contest!!'' only when it fits their narrative I know she probably won't, it would be way too perfect and eurofans this year have decided that making literal history isn't cool, but IF she does…

6: 5min run/3min walk x 3

This run felt like a bit of a milestone since 5 is just one of those numbers. Weirdly I don't think this plan includes any 10 minute splits, it does have a 15 minute one though, that one is right near the end. Also it is the last run of the second week of this 6 week program, woohoo! Anyway, for the actual run, I felt really good! Something I have been doing on previous runs is, when I start feeling a bit out of breath I time my breath with my steps, usually breath in for 3 steps, breath out for 2. I get kind of distracted by it though, and I'm not sure it really helps. Feels better to just ignore my breath and let my body do it's thing, as long as I'm not too ragged. Today I listened to music as I ran (Eurovision 2023 playlist lol) instead of a podcast, and I found myself mouthing along the words and it helped me get into I think what a lot of people describe as a flow state, where you're just kinda running without thinking about form/breath/etc, they all just kinda come together. I didn't need to count my steps as I breathed and I think my breathing and form were all decent throughout (if there is anything I did still kind of pay attention to, it was my form. I found this video really helpful for things to keep in mind in terms of form while I run.

In other news, I got a pixel watch so I don't need to bring my phone along with me anymore, I got an interval app for it that works just like my old one, and now I can track everything in fitbit (and maybe strava eventually). First thing I did when I got it was turn literally every notification off except for texts/phone/general watch things. I was a bit nervous it wouldn't track anything today but it worked like a charm, I'm very happy with the new set up!

Happy Mother's Day to all the running moms out there. My mom started running after she had my sister and for a while she was the reason I was kind of avoiding running because of how much of a toll it took on her body sometimes, although she was running at least one marathon a year and did an ironman when she turned 50, which should be motivational for most people but not for her kids ha. Now that I've started running, it's a nice thing we can bond over, although if I ever run a marathon and then talk about running more than one a year you have my permission to slap me in the face.

Love you, Mom!

I'm actually translating directly to english bc if i finish and nobody posts it, i will, i promise you

My Relationship and How It Ended

All through our lives, we wonder who our partner will be and how will we find them? Going out with friends, talking online for a while or just simply a bump into each other. At the age of 20, I was amazed at the thought of how i'd meet someone I could be myself around. Myself having an incredibly outgoing bubbly personality, I always knew that I could be seen by many people, but never knew that I would find someone who I'd consider to be perfect for me. For years I've been independant and achieved things by myself with no partner by my side, I didn't want anyone nor was I looking for someone. But yet, I always thought to myself "I wonder if my future girlfriend would be proud of me", which actually makes you realise you're more lonely than you thought, but hey, that's okay because you know one day you will find her.

Everything changed for me one night, a few weeks after I started a new job. I decided to go out one night, which i remember fondly enough that I would've rather stay in and watch some films, but decided it would be a great time to celebrate the job I acquired. When you were like me and decided to drink yourself silly every single week, you had to find reasons to go out. Little did I know, going out that night would change my life in millions of great ways, which is now terrifying to think about.

 After a fair few drinks, I decided to go out into another area of the club to share my loud obnoxious personality around. The moment I walked down there, was like a movie. I saw a girl, even in my intoxicated state, I could tell she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever laid my eyes upon. I instantly came up with a goal to make her laugh. It takes a lot to make me nervous, it was trait that I never had. I went up to her and at that exact same time, she walked up to me and introduced herself. You know how I said it was like a movie? I said that because when I looked into her eyes, everything around me froze, I was just standing there. After what felt like thirty minutes, I introduced myself then we sat down and had a drink. I wouldn't be able to tell you the exact conversations that we had, but I can tell you I interrupted her to inform her that I needed to do a pee followed by what I thought to be an FBI cross Ninja jump over the table, but according to her that was never the case... I still stick with what I thought it felt still to this day. When I returned we had another drink and spoke some more and introduced us to each others friends. One of my friends, Jordan, looked at me when I introduced her and smiled at me, for some strange reason, he knew I was interested, suppose I've never really introduced a girl to my friends before. As this night drew to a close, I lost her and eventually stormed out of the club because I had enough. Little did I know, she was asking about me when I left. I got home, surprisingly, and fell asleep.

I woke up to a message from her asking me out on a date. I immediately felt emasculated, but that was okay. Obviously I said yes. We went to a Shannon Noll concert, it was a perfect time spent together and the happiest i've been in a very long time. I still remember how it felt to feel true happiness after such a long time of being alone.  

As messages upon messages went by between each other, it was suddenly a week or two later. We had organised for me to stay over her place, have a couple of drinks and listen to some old school music, the best kind. As she's on the floor choosing the songs to put on and I am sitting on her bed, that strange feeling erupted in me again, true happiness. I didn't know at the time, but she was radiating something I haven't felt before, whether it was her great music choice or just being around her. As the night progressed, next thing we know we were in bed together 'cuddling'. We were talking about something that made me laugh, which at the end I did something I couldn't take back. I laughed and then said I love you, which i quickly recovered by saying "lol jokes, you wish". Yes, I actually said that and it turned out more funny than what we were previously discussing. This became a running joke for years to come. I remember laying there thinking "Why did I say that", I was confused about how it happened because it just completely slipped out, I didn't mean to say it but knew I felt it. This was when I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. In the end, it was a perfect night spent by someone whom I believed I loved very quickly. I had never felt this way about another person before. 

A week at work progressed and we decided to stay over again, same music, but this time we felt closer than ever. It was an amazing feeling for me and I was honestly just falling harder and harder for her. I knew the next time I saw her, I wanted to do something special, so I surprised her with a little getaway to a nice resort at the Sunshine Coast. When we got there, we checked in and went across the street to Woolworths to stock up on food and the dinner I was going to cook for her, Beef Strogonoff. When we returned, we got the keys and went to our apartment to find out that there was in fact, no kitchen. So it turned out to be a KFC night. This was when I knew she was the one for me, as we finished eating, i decided to rip the KFC bags and dress her up.. it was incredibly hilarious at the time and damn she could pull the look off. We got into bed and watched Eurovision trying to understand the words they were singing, it was great and it was definitely a great weekend. Once again, the kitchen became a running joke too, I could never escape it. After this weekend away, we sat down and decided it would be best if I moved in with her, as I’m always there anyways. So a month after dating, we were living together and I’ve never felt so much happiness, everything was perfect and working out for me.

Months and months went on, we sat there laughing about the possible arguments we would have because we have never argued before. I knew for a fact that I was so in love with this woman that I never wanted to lose her. We were perfect for a very long time. I’d get lost in her eyes every time she would laugh, or how her eyes opened wide when she was explaining a story or a topic she was passionate about. She has the most incredible smile with a beautiful laugh.. which includes her little snorting she does when the laughing can’t stop.

Every morning I would wake up, give her a kiss on the forehead and say good morning. Every night, I’d give her 10 kisses on the forehead, we both made sure to count as it all became a ritual. There were so many memories, inside jokes and little rituals we had that we got so used to that it all became normal. I was still in love with this woman at the age of 23.

Suddenly, cracks started to appear because of my inability to talk. I know, how does someone not know how to talk? That was and still is the hardest thing for me. I am so used to not sharing my feelings about negative things and instead keep it bottled up inside, its a very unhealthy thing to do and still to this day I'm slowly learning.

We were having many fights, breaking up but working our way back to each other every single time. We knew we wanted to be together and we were too stubborn to admit it at times, we were an incredibly competitive couple. Ask her about the monopoly game, she'll tell you she won..... thats because she did but I can assure you we never played monopoly again. I cannot elaborate on the amount of fights and quick break ups we had, we had a severe rough patch. But everything was perfect and I was still the happiest guy in the world.

The last time we broke up was around May 2018, the month we got together in 2016. This was a tough break up but we got back together a week later. I know, people may think how is this healthy, but when you're in love with someone, you'd do anything to make sure it works. Everything was perfect for many many many months. We discussed getting our very own place and we started to buy furniture each paycheck so we would be able to move into a house that wasn’t partly furnished, having kids (even agreed on some names to respect my mother which meant a lot to me) and more importantly, the engagement I was going to do at the start of the year.

I started an incredibly bad addiction to video gaming every day for hours on end, instead of the usual couple of hours a week. I became lazy and didn't appreciate what I had right next to me the entire time. Nearly 3 years we spent together, you would think that I would be more attentive. I just forgot about every thing in my life and was just committed to video games like the person I was long before I met her. I stopped wanting to have sex and I stopped wanting to go out on weekends with her. This all hit home and completely shattered me after she told me she was getting male attention elsewhere. I stormed out with all my stuff and didn't look back once.

A week has gone by and I just sit here in silence every single day. I've eaten half a sausage roll that made me vomit, a few chicken balls and a handful of chips, against my will. During my silence, I realise how much I have changed. I have gone from the alcoholic version of myself to a guy who found out he was ready to settle down, the mature Matt I thought I wouldn't find until I was very much older. I'm not going to lie, this last paragraph is hard to type because I just fall back into the ifs and buts. I know for a fact, all I had to do was to get off that Xbox and give her attention, clean the room when she asked, give her the intimacy that we both required but I slacked out on and most of all, show her the amount of appreciation I have for her since we got together. I feel as though I never want to show another woman intimacy or become close again, unless it’s with her. The constant knot in my stomach won’t dissapear. The world knows just how much I do love her and all my good friends know how much I appreciate and love her, it just turns out I forgot to reassure the most important person to me.

I realise that I don't blame her for any of this because I guess it is all my fault. Every girl in a long lasting relationship needs to know that feeling that their partner does in fact care about them. I just guess for me, it is too late for that. I would do anything to go back to the life we had with me bringing an insane amount of changes that would make any girl feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Not only did I lose my girlfriend, I lost my best friend and the only person that knew exactly who I was and who I am still to this day. She knows more about me than anyone else on this planet and i'm not afraid to admit that. She was my definition of a soul mate. I've never felt more comfortable and open with someone in my life and I highly doubt I'm going to find that feeling with anyone else for a very long time and even then, the chances are slim. All our inside jokes and memories haunt me every single day because they were the happiest times of my life. Every song that comes on the radio, its hard to listen to. All the songs on my phone, I can't listen to because each one takes me back to a time with her. It's hard to watch Netflix alone because I watched basically everything with her many times over. It's hard to get up in the morning and go to work, because every morning I would drive there knowing how close our future home was and how ready I was to propose to her, she was the reason why I got the new job a few weeks ago. The memories are suddenly everywhere and every day you're just caught up in constant nostalgia. The pain doesn’t disappear.

If I could go back in time and change everything, I would in a heartbeat. If she messaged me and told me she wants me back, I'd be there in a heartbeat too. With Christmas and New Years coming up, this is going to be a hard problem for me to recover from for the rest of the year. We had so many plans, I had many plans she didn't even know about. Nearly 3 years down the drain because I was too stupid to show her the amount of love and appreciation I have for her.. it truly fucking hurts. Being so ready to settle down, just for it all to come up above your feet isn't the best feeling.

The hardest part about break ups, is trying to forget about the imagined future you two had planned together. Our future looked so perfect. Going from being so happy, to suddenly depression hitting you straight on the head. The emptiness and loneliness is something I haven't felt in my life and I wouldn't wish it upon my worse enemy.

I don't expect many people to read this, but if you do, thank you for letting me vent and taking it on board. If you're in a relationship, please, tell your partner you love them and that you appreciate them, that's all it takes. Listen to them, talk to them and be there for them through everything life throws their way. Don't get caught up in technology or social media, they can easily become the source of break ups in this generation, which fucking sucks. Put your phone down and just show your partner that you love them. Never would I have thought I’d lose the one piece of me that meant more than anything else on this planet.

Most importantly, to her. If you're reading this, please know that I love and I miss you more than words can explain. I'm sorry that I didn't show you just how much you meant to me and just assumed you knew. You were, and still are, my world. The things we have done together are things I'll forever cherish and miss. You were my soulmate and I wish I could just show you all the changes I'd make to prove just how happy we can be. I would do anything to have you laying in my arms again and hearing you laugh. You are the only person in this world that I need and I’m honestly shattered to know I wasn’t that person for you. My friends keep telling me to move on.. why would I want to, and how could I move on when I know I’ve already met my soul mate? I’ll forever miss and love you.

I honestly thought typing this would make me feel better, even in the slightest amount, but in the end I guess it just made things worse for me. The hardest part for me was leaving someone who I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I don't know where I would be or the type of person I would be if she didn't enter my life. She brought out the best version of me that was possible.

 If you're going through a rough time, talk to a friend or family member. Please know, it's not embarrassing to seek professional help.