#anyway yeah so ive sketched out some illustrations but i had to mentally silence myself the entire time lmao
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gettin the masculine yet distinctly homoerotic urge to lay in bed all day & read fanfic on my phone
#havin a real tough time drawing self portrait illustrations for my zine thing........#yesterday i was like. Ehh this feels so self absorbed. just drawing myself over and over w/o a funny punchline#but then i remembered its a zine ABOUT ME and MY EXPERIENCES ofc i have to draw myself#and then i started going deep into my discomfort with centering myself like that and putting myself out there#and just had a lil crisis regarding my discomfort w having ppl look at me and process how i present myself#its weird cause i wanna be acknowledged but i hate attention#anyway yeah so ive sketched out some illustrations but i had to mentally silence myself the entire time lmao#im also struggling w art in general cause i wanna learn to be messier and more easygoing#but i also cant let anything go w/o overworking it to death#meanwhile im whipping myself for being subpar in so many areas#i wish i could just be ok with having a distinct area of excellency to strive at#instead of wanting to do everything perfectly all at once forever#its so stupid cause when i look at other peoples messy art im like. This IS perfect. the mistakes ARE perfect#but for me its the WRONG mistakes. the kind that look bad instead of cool#ewwwww i dont wanna think abt art like this i just wanna draw and be happy#im in my head WAY too much. i act like i can find the meaning of life somewhere deep in my thoughts#so i self medicate w escapism#getting the masculine urge to get high on smth that dulls the brain#im going to bed. Goodbye
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