my manager kind of sort of offered/floated a new role by me this evening that sounds great and very much what I’m into but also with a lot of responsibility and I scared

I still feel like a fucking child walking into work because this is the first ‘adult’ job I’ve had - bearing in mind though I’m 28 and have been there for 9 years now so know the ins and outs of what we do better than anyone (and am constantly called upon by literally everyone else there for info, more senior than me or not) so I should not feel this way by now surely but I dooooo???? I’m just a baby!! imposter syndrome my detested

the other week my manager was like we’re gonna hire a ux/ui specialist to get this huge upgrade project done but then also that will be an ongoing role because atm we all just do our best to make decisions based on…nothing more than what we think looks good and is hopefully easy to use, which has resulted in our software being a horrible mishmash of different people’s opinions and styles over many years with barely any changes made to existing ui in prob 10 or so years, so she’s a little outdated overall. a small improvement gets developed with some new clean ui, but there’s never any time or effort put into updating existing stuff to match

but then tonight she said she’s been stewing on it and thinks I would actually be perfect to transition into that space and to hire another ba to fill my current position instead (even though I have barely done any ba work since I was promoted to that position in like fucking march last year hahahahahah)

I’m like hell yeah that does actually sound perfect for me, I was already keen for us to hire a ux/ui specialist so I could see what they do, and I really love working in that space designing how things should look and work and have a very analytical eye etc etc but now that would be me??????? I would be the specialist???? they’d pay me to do some sort of course to skill up but then I’d just be thrown in the deep-end to revamp all of our shit which would have knock on effects for hundreds of thousands of users for years to come hehehehe no pressure

I’m still spiraling a little over someone at work yesterday just very flippantly suggesting I have ocd, in a way that it was just like…a known fact about me. this is someone I’ve worked with and also been great friends with outside of work for four years now who knows me on not just the surface level most coworkers know each other, and I trust her judgement on shit so for her to say it has really sent me.

I mentioned it to someone else I work with over lunch today who’s more friend than colleague (we’ve always worked in separate departments so she doesn’t know that work-based side of how I am, more the personal/social side). she stayed very neutral on the subject, didn’t necessarily agree or disagree on the assumption, but did just encourage me to lay some things out for myself and work out whether it’s something to worry about just in terms of seeing a professional about it (and…whatever else is going on up there) or keep coasting as I am because generally speaking, I cope with what I have. if I have ocd it’s not some huge thing that’s ruining my life, and as a 28 year old I don’t have to have everything figured out. it would be crazy to suggest I COULD have everything figured out.

all of this to say, the ux/ui thing would be a super interesting path for me because of the ocd traits I have (spiralling, spiralling) and I’m really keen to try it but I’m also so so fucking scared to fail or be bad at it. half the time I feel like I’m about to be fired because????? like literally nothing just general anxiety, so for my manager to be like ‘here’s a great opportunity that I’m handing you on a silver platter because I think you’re perfect for it and it would be amazing for your career’ is very nice to hear

something about that text post that went around the other week about how weird it is being in your late 20s when you never planned for a future because you didn’t expect to make it this far. I’ve literally got no ambition or plan for my future cause I was very much under the impression I’d be done with the world by now (aaand circling back to speaking to a professional about whatever is happening in my head) I love therapised eddie so much why can’t I want that for me I don’t know if want the pressure, but fuck it’s an interesting idea for sure and dare I say I’m passionate about it????? god that feels lame as hell saying I’m passionate about ui lmaooo but I am???? I care about it and I get invested in it at work and annoyingly nitpick things other people put together and I’m obsessed with consistency now that it’s been dangled in front of me like I’m a fucking horse with a carrot I WANT TO EAT THE CARROT SO BADLY but I’m just terrified things will go to shit and I’ll ruin everything :\