new s4 icons are available on netflix ! el, dustin, mike, lucas, will, max, hopper, nancy, joyce, steve, eddie, robin, jonathan, erica, argyle, vecna, murray, and karen ! happy stranger things day and here’s to whatever else they’ve got in store for us today ❤️

well today was better than yesterday I guess. less crying, though I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I woke up at like noon or so and had a bagel which was enjoyable, and everything kind of stewed for a while there. I managed to sneak enough time to watch this week’s Batwoman episode on my laptop with earbuds in because I definitely couldn’t watch it anywhere anyone else could see it. I liked it, the beginning was fucking heartbreaking, and then some really good scenes throughout it, and props to them for making Kate actually have to deal with her trauma and ptsd from the choices she’s made, so I enjoyed that. I think making the choice for Mouse and Alice to stay in Arkham and rise up there instead of breaking out was highly interesting as well, and I’m excited to see where they go from there, so definite props to the show for making at least some good choices. the rest of the day was pretty slow, a million people keep bringing us food so we ended up having dinner outside on the patio and god my brain keeps betraying me when I was thinking to type just now that we all had dinner on the patio my brain was like “well it wasn’t all of us because we were waiting for Dad to come home” like barely as a subconscious thought and then there’s a stab in my gut when I remember he’s not coming home, this is it, this is my family forever. 5 people now, not 6. and all of that is just really hard to deal with. but anyways. we were talking about handling financial stuff and how to deal with the law office, because in order to own a law office you have to be a lawyer licensed in that state, so you can only inherit one under those conditions, which my mom who would be the first choice doesn’t meet, my older brother does but he’s also currently employed as an ADA and he can’t own what is essentially a defense firm and at the same time be employed by the government as a prosecutor, so he would have to leave his job and take over the firm, which was always going to be the plan somewhere down the road, we just didn’t expect it to happen now. so he has to figure out what he wants to do on that. the other options were like installing another lawyer we trust to run the practice while keeping them on a fairly short leash, or to sell it or combine in with another practice, and when we got to that point in the conversation my mom started crying and saying that is never what Dad would’ve wanted, and he spent so much time building up the practice and all the good will he has with people she doesn’t want to see it just sold off, so we of course comforted her and said ofc we’d never do anything that Dad wouldn’t have wanted. it’s an odd dynamic, dealing with this stuff with my mom, because of course she’s still the parent in the situation, but both my brother and I are lawyers who know the technicalities of it much better than she does, and I don’t want it to be like we’re being patronizing or making decisions for her when that shouldn’t be happening. she’s stressed because of the life insurance apparently not being what we thought it was, but we’re still looking at that, so it’s basically all a big stressful mess. we were also going to have the small family only funeral at the end of this week but ended up postponing it till next week because our pastor’s mother who’s in her 90s just got tested and they don’t know what’s up yet so we’re just wanting to be extra careful on that. what I’m supposed to do with my life until then is anybody’s guess. It’s only been two days so I guess there is still plenty of time to do it, but I’m surprised we haven’t gotten word of the courts suspending cases for another 2 weeks to a month based on the stay at home order being extended to May 30th, so part of me thinks they might just be going “fuck it” and opening them on May 18th as planned right now. if that happened that would probably put me at staying her for like 2 1/2 more weeks and then going back, and I’m just really not sure what I want here, I mean without work I don’t have any real pressing reason to go back to Chi, and my family obviously wants me here as long as possible, but I’m just not sure that’s going to end up being a good choice for me because I feel like I need time to process and grieve on my own because living here with them is not my life and it’s not what I’m supposed to be adjusting to, so I feel like staying here for an extended period of time might not be the right answer, but at the same time with things how they are for now at least I can’t really just tell my family that I’m ditching to go back to Chi when I have no job responsibilities when we’re all still trying to figure this stuff out here. so yeah, it’s a lot to think about and some big decisions to be made, but I guess we’ll see how things work out. sigh. anyway. after dinner I sat with my mom a bit watching hgtv shows as she likes them and then at 9 pm watched the new Legends episode (which actually having to wait until 9 pm for was such an offense), which was of course rightly hilarious and perfect in just so many ways. I know there’s been a lot of back and forth on what is the best format for the show (silly vs dramatic, supernatural vs reality, etc.) but I will say I’ve really enjoyed this season so far. of course that’s partially hampered by my anger/sadness about Ray and Nora leaving (because FUCK PHIL KLEMMER) but they’ve had consistently good performances by everyone else (especially for Zari, fuck Tala is so ridiculously talented and is hands down the best actress on the show, and that’s coming from a die hard white canary fan. she just blows every single scene out of the water and it’s insane to see). I was curious as to why Sara got sidelined tonight, being that she is my favorite character ofc, and in the past when she’s been sidelined there’d been a story reason for it or an IRL reason for it, but I couldn’t really find one here?? It just kinda seemed like the writers went “meh” and didn’t want to write a story arc for her so they just shuffled her to the side. and like I’m sure they’ll use it going forward for the whole Sara developing her superpower thing, but it definitely wasn’t necessary. oh well. after the episode the news was on for a bit and then we switched over to family feud which was fucking ridiculous, and at some point just ended up talking to my brother about things, especially what had gone down on Saturday since I wasn’t here to see it all. and like, yeah it’s stuff I want to know, but it’s all just so heartbreaking because it doesn’t make any sense, he was doing so well and then out of nowhere he was just gone, and I’m having trouble grasping how it all just happened so fast. and as much as my brother annoys the shit out of me sometimes (which he does, a lot) I think he is going to be very helpful going forward and figuring all of this out. he’s always been a total asshole about money, even when it wasn’t his money, so I’m slightly concerned about that, but so far it’s been good so I’m just praying that remains the case. and yeah, a bit after that I headed upstairs, showered, and started getting ready for bed, and now I’m here and it’s almost 1 am and it’s not like I have any reason to wake up early but I should still probably be getting to sleep, so I’m going to do that now. Goodnight loves. Hope your day was a good one.

Stay a Little Longer (Drake x MC)

Book: The Royal Romance Pairing: Drake x MC (Carissa)

Warnings: Brief language, mentions of alcohol Summary: This is an expansion of how I imagined spending the night in the tent with Drake happened.

The fire was nearly completely burnt out when Drake decided that the group should get some sleep. He stood up and began to kick dirt over the embers, sending flurries of dust into the air. One by one, they started to stand and help clean up the area near the fire. The only sounds heard were the leaves rustling in the wind and the shuffle of tired feet as they headed for their separate tents. Goodnights were mumbled, and the sound of each sleeping bag being zipped up reminded Carissa of how lonely she could feel even when surrounded by friends. She sat on top of her sleeping bag, hugging her knees to her chest and thought about how the group felt like it was drifting apart. Her mind raced to comprehend if her actions towards Drake today were acceptable. There was always a slight fear in her mind that she would do something to mess this up, that she would accidentally push him away by trying too hard to keep him close to her.

“You’re fine, Carissa. He even said to you that you’re the only girl for him. Everything is going okay; stressing will just make you act strange and then he won’t like you anymore so just don’t stress.” Carissa quietly whispered this to herself to calm her mind.

She began to blush thinking about the interaction they had at the tea party. Normally, she did not allow herself to show her jealousy to a guy that she liked. Especially not someone like Drake. Guys like that, at least in New York, became uncomfortable when a girl got jealous. He thought it was cute when I showed how jealous I was. At this point, Carissa’s confidence began to grow based on her memory of the way Drake looks at her sometimes and the things that he says when they have the rare opportunity to be alone together.

A daring thought popped in her head and she reached for the bottle of whiskey that she had stored in her bag. Carissa sat in her tent a few minutes longer, waiting to make sure that people weren’t awake and going to come out of their tents anytime soon. She very slowly began to unzip her tent, just enough for her to get through without being heard. Peeking her head out, she saw that all the tents were dark except for one, Drake’s. Thank God, he’s still awake. She breathed out a sigh of relief and quietly made her way over to his tent. Standing a little way’s away from his tent, she took a few deep breaths to calm her racing heart. You can do this, Carissa. Be brave. Screw it, drink some whiskey. She opened the cap to the bottle and took a big swig, hoping that it would give her to confidence to actually enter his tent. She tentatively walked up to his tent and unzipped the flap. Stepping inside, she saw that Drake was laying down shirtless. He looked up at her in shock, his heart starting to race as to why she would be in his tent. He stared at her, wondering how she could look so beautiful with her hair in a messy bun while wearing some old sweatshirt and a pair of spandex shorts.

After a few moments of silence, Carissa finally spoke. “Oh, well, I’m glad I didn’t knock.” She winked at him and made her way over to his sleeping bag.

“Stein…. what’re you doing here?”

“What does it look like? I’m here to seduce you. Plus, I brought whiskey.” Carissa smirked at him, tossing the bottle onto the pile of blankets near the foot of his sleeping bag. She slowly began to remove her sweatshirt. Drake’s eyes went wide as he saw a small patch of bare skin before realizing that her tank top had ridden up due to the static of the sweatshirt.

“What?” He blushed when he noticed that she had seen his eyes widen. Laughing quietly, Carissa tossed her sweatshirt into a corner and lay down next to him.

“Scoot over, you’re hogging all the space.” Begrudgingly, Drake sat up and moved to the side. “Thank you very much. But, you gotta admit that this is just a little bit romantic?” Carissa snuggled close to him, her face nuzzling into his neck as he pulled her closer to him. She closed her eyes, listening to his heartbeat, feeling the way his body moved as he breathed. He slowly began to relax before speaking.

“It feels good to be out here with you.” Carissa smiled, knowing that slowly she was beginning to chip away at his hard shell.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself. I wasn’t sure with the way that you were bossing everyone around today.” She sat up and reached for the bottle of whiskey, passing it to him.

“I was just trying to keep everyone safe. Most of them wouldn’t survive out here without me bossing them around.” He took a long drink of whiskey and wiped his lips off with the back of his hand.

“Yeah but you could have given less orders and kinda just let things happen. That is part of the fun of going camping. People make mistakes and it makes for great stories.” Carissa grabbed the bottle out of his hands and took a sip. Drake sat up fully, fiddling with the tie of his sweatpants as he spoke. “I guess my dad always ran a tight ship when we went camping. Maybe too much of that rubbed off on me…” His voice trailed off, staring at his hands before beginning again. He looked Carissa in the eyes, the deep brown of his irises soft and vulnerable. “I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t ruin the trip.”

Carissa placed her hands on the back of his neck, gently running her fingers through his hair. “Hey hey, you didn’t ruin the trip. To be honest, seeing you all bossy was kind of cute.” She smiled at him as he stared back, a slight blush creeping up on his cheeks.

“Really?” He looked at her, the tenderness in his eyes still there but with a hint of disbelief.

“Yeah, I mean cute in a very Drake sort of way. It’s pretty adorable that you take camping so seriously. I think you would have a heart attack at some of the camping stories that I have.” Carissa laughed as Drake shook his head.

“I don’t think I ever want to hear any of these, but I am also very curious.” He chuckled softly as Carissa handed him the bottle of whiskey. He took another sip. “If I finish this whole bottle, it is because your story was horrifying and I want to forget it.”

“Oh, come on, they weren’t that bad. I will tell you one that didn’t involve me as a child because then you will never want to take our kids camping.” Carissa mentally smacked herself in the back of the head for saying ‘our kid’. She paused for a second, waiting to see how he would react.

In the back of his mind, Drake was processing what she had just said. His rational side told him to not say anything at all and to just let her continue on with her story. The side of his brain that does not listen to any reason told him to grab her and kiss her like he would never get to again. Luckily for him, he managed to find a balance between the two.

“Our kids, huh? You think about this a lot, Stein?” He smirked at her, watching her eyes widen before she quickly yanked the whiskey away from him and took a big sip.

“Uh not that I haven’t ever thought about it but yeah sure…Anyways, this happened freshman year of college when I was still living in California.” Carissa stuttered for a bit before clearing her mind, so she could continue the story.

“Wait, you lived in California?” Drake interrupted her, wrapping his arms around her waist and gently guiding her to lay down. He took the bottle of whiskey and put it out of the way of where they were going to sleep.

“Yeah, I was born there and lived there until about 2 or 3 years ago but that is a story for another time.” Drake noticed a hint of sadness in her eyes that quickly went away when she restarted her story.

“So, second semester freshman year, we decided to go camping after spring break because it’s fun and something to do on the weekend. Obviously, we found someone to get us alcohol, so we were stocked for the trip. A couple cases of beer, some Jack Daniels, a bottle of Midori and green apple vodka. The first night we got there, it was a little late when we arrived, so we made dinner, set up camp. Pretty much all the boring stuff that you like to do.” Carissa laughed, lightly tracing circles on his ribs.

“How many people were camping with you?” Drake closed his eyes, relishing in the thought of camping with just the two of them.

“You need to stop interrupting.” Carissa glared at him, faking a pout for a few seconds until she began to laugh. “It was just my friend and her boyfriend who was also my friend. We had another friend who was supposed to come but he bailed. Don’t ask why he bailed, that is another long story for a different time.” Drake nodded his head and pretended to zip his lips shut. “I promise to not talk until you are done.”

“So, the first night we drank a little, I didn’t get too drunk and then went to bed. The second night, we were like fuck it and decided to try to finish as much of the alcohol as we could before going back to school the next day. We went to a private school that was a dry campus so drinking, technically, wasn’t allowed while we were enrolled but we all just tried not to get caught. That night, I got really fucking plastered because we ran out of mixers and I thought it was a good idea to mix the Midori and Vodka together. My friends were tired, so they went to bed early. Honestly, now that I think about it, they probably hooked up because I was out there for a while by myself. Long story short, I attempted to put out a fire by pouring more alcohol on it and then dumping all my water on it. I went to bed, woke up to my friend asking me why the fire was still going. Pretty much I was too drunk to notice that I didn’t actually put out the fire.” Carissa smiled and raised her hand in a sarcastic thumb’s up.

“Oh my god, Cari. Remind me to never trust you to put out a fire after drinking.” Drake genuinely laughed and pulled Carissa closer to him. She felt the vibrations of his laugh move through her body and enjoyed this moment, not knowing when the next one would be. It was comforting to hear him use the nickname that people used to use for her back home. It felt right that he would be the one to start saying it again.

“I’m glad that you found my story entertaining and actually laughed instead of trying to hide that handsome smile of yours behind your stern face.” Carissa slipped one of her legs between his in an effort to be as close to him as possible.

“I aim to please. Is there anything I can do to make your camping experience more enjoyable, Ms. Stein?”

“There is one thing…You can kiss me.” Carissa bit her bottom lip gently, searching his eyes for any indication that he wants her as much as she wants him.

“Stein….” Drake raised his thumbs to Carissa’s lips and traced them lightly. “You know I want to.”

“Then do it.” Carissa tilted her chin up towards him, feeling the warmth of his breath against her lips. Her heart was pounding in anticipation and she swore that he could feel it too. She saw the conflict on his face as he tried to decide what he thought was the right thing to do. Carissa held her breath, waiting to hear him say that kissing her is not the right thing to do. She waited to hear him talk about how he needs to be a good friend to Liam instead of doing something for himself, for once.

After what felt like minutes of waiting, he spoke, “Aw, hell.” Drake leaned in and kissed her, one hand tangling in her hair while the other slid down her back and pressed her closer against him. His fingertips brushed under her tank top, inching it up slowly. Carissa moved her hands down his chest, feeling his breath hitch in his throat and she got closer to the waistband of his sweatpants.  

“BEAR! BEAR!” Drake groaned, reluctantly pulling away from Carissa. They were both still breathing heavy, the desire in their eyes fading as reality set in. They listened to Hana and Maxwell laugh over the fact that Hana thought that Maxwell was a bear.

“Next time we go camping, it is just going to be us.” Drake grumbled, kissing the top of Carissa’s head while she tried to muffle her giggles at his annoyance towards the interruption.

“I’m in.” Carissa smiled up at him and he leaned down to kiss her one last time. When he pulled away, Carissa stifled a yawn, wanting to spend every moment she had with him awake.

“You’re tired.” Drake lightly ran his fingers over her back and shoulders. “We should get some sleep since you will have to wake up before the others and sneak back to your tent.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me. I just want to stay in here with you forever.” She murmured into his chest, leaving light kisses. The feeling of Drake’s fingertips lightly tracing her back lulled Carissa to sleep. Drake lay awake for a little while longer, holding her close. He memorized what it felt like to have her in his arms as she slept. He memorized the feeling of her body pressed against his in a way that was more intimate than any of the one night stands he had in the past. ————————————————————————————- The alarm on Carissa’s phone began to ring, jarring her out of her sleep. She lay there wondering why she felt so warm before realizing that Drake’s arms were still wrapped around her. Her back was pressed up against his chest, his head in the nook between her shoulder and jaw. She reached forward and turned off her alarm. Drake’s arms pulled her closer to him and she held her breath, not wanting to wake him. Turning her head, Carissa pressed light kisses to his temple, savoring his scent and the warmth of his body against hers. Slowly, she began to lift his arm so she could leave. Carissa was finally able to sit up  when Drake’s arm reached out and grabbed her waist.

“Don’t go yet.” Drake spoke softly. Carissa shivered slightly at the husky sound of his voice. It was much gruffer than it normally was but the hint of tiredness caused her to want to stay and lay in that tent with him for as long as possible.

“I need to get back to my tent before everyone else wakes up.” She turned to face him, lightly brushing strands of hair out of his face. He looked so peaceful with his eyes still closed, trying to pull her closer to him.

“Who cares…I just want you to stay.” Drake yawned, rubbing the sleepiness out of his eyes so he could look at her. She started to turn away again, willing herself to leave the tent so they wouldn’t get caught together. “You’re so gorgeous, I want to wake up next to you every day.” He slowly sat up and leaned forward, gently kissing the back of her neck. He made his way up to her ear, pressing a kiss behind it that made her inhale sharply. Carissa sighed and turned back to face him. He grabbed her waist and pulled her onto his lap. She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against his.

“Just. Stay. A Little. Longer.” He punctuated each word with a kiss, sliding his hands underneath her tank top. Carissa melted under the feeling of his calloused hands on the soft skin of her back.

“Drake…” She leaned back, grabbing his face in both of her hands. “I really need to get going. If Maxwell or Hana or, God forbid, Liam wakes up and sees me coming out of your tent, we are so screwed. We would be in such deep shit. I know I am always the one pressuring you to go against your morals for once but I don’t want to be the cause of you losing your best friend. You’re right. We need to do this in the right way.” She whispered softly, her hands sliding to the back of his neck.

“No, no. You should get going. I’m glad we were able to spend the night together.” Drake tried to hide the sadness in his voice as he was jerked back to the reality that being caught together was a terrible idea. Carissa leaned forward, kissing him softly. Drake gently bit her bottom lip before flicking his tongue against it. Carissa parted her lips slightly to allow him access. There was a hint of the whiskey from the night before. She moaned softly into his mouth as he deepened the kiss. Carissa gently let go of Drake, going over to the corner of the tent to grab her sweatshirt. She quietly began to unzip the tent, making sure that the coast was clear before she went outside.

“Stein, wait.” She heard the rustle of the sleeping bag as Drake got up and walked over to her. Drake turned her towards him and kissed her passionately. “Just something to keep you warm as you walk back to your tent.”

“See ya in a bit, Walker.” Carissa smirked at him, biting her bottom lip as she turned around and left his tent. As soon as Carissa was back in her own tent, she shrieked into her pillow, ecstatic that she finally got to spend an entire night in Drake’s arms. She already felt excitement for the next time she would have an opportunity to share a night with him.

Imbalance Ch.2 (Group Fic/Katya Centric)

A/N: Hey guys! So I’m finally getting the hang of this whole writing process, but like I said before please bare with me for the first few chapters as I figure my life out lol. Basically just to clear some things up (also because I’ve been trying to work this out as well) When Katya is in drag she’ll be referred to as Katya and it’ll be ‘her’, but when she get’s out of drag I’m going with Brain and will use ‘he’. You’ll see that in this chapter and I think I did a pretty decent job with it, but it it seems shaky of confusing let me know! If I’m talking about other drag queens it’ll probably be just their drag names unless they’re being serious, as to stress a point. If that makes sense haha (like using your full name when your parents are mad at you)…Anywaysss thanks for the support and I’m really enjoying writing this and I have some great plans for where this is headed! This is a longer chapter than the first so enjoy! Xx -Chloe

Katya cowered, shoeless mind you, against the far end of the wall in the small stall. Waiting for the two giggling girls who stumbled into the bathroom to get the heck out. The last thing she needed was someone from the club recognizing her and snapping a few pics. Twitter would explode. She couldn’t disappoint her fans like that. The other girls would flip. Michelle would probably take her off of the next few performances, at the very least (Michelle was quite scary when she was upset, and when her ‘children’ get into trouble she gets scared and then takes some not-so enjoyable actions, consequences Katya did not want to have to deal with to begin with).

The consequences. Oh dear lord, she needed this night to be over…well technically it was the morning.

3:37 am

I have to be in the hotel lobby surrounded by everyone and on a bus in less than 4 hours…kill me.

“I might as well try and at least make it back to the hotel in one piece and sleep in a real bed for at least a few hours.” Katya muttered to herself.

The clicking of heels became softer, the giggling disappeared, and finally the door shut once more. Leaving Katya alone once again.

After looking in the next stall over she found her illusive pair of red heels hidden behind the toilet. In her state of mindless panic (that she couldn’t really remember?) she must’ve kicked them off and shoved them away. Katya got like that when she drank…panicky. Well not just drunk, actually when she used any substance. It was because she knew it was just a temporary bandaid for the depression and anxiety that was about to rear its ugly head again. She knew that once the effects wore off she’d be in a hole so dark and deep she wouldn’t want to get up, or move, or live, or…

Focus girl

Taking a deep breath and grabbing her phone off of the sink Katya got ready, to exit.

Opening the door slowly she looked left towards the bar (only a very wasted man sat, with a very exhausted bartender trying to push him out the door), and then right which lead down a hall way. At the end lit up a sign saying EXIT in large red letters.

Walking/stumbling out of the club and into the side street she could see the entrance of their hotel glaring back at her.

“Thank God,” she breathed a sigh of relief. At least she knew where she was.

Making a run for it she bolted across the empty street, into the lobby, and into the elevator.

Wait what floor, what floor, what floor?

She stared at the bright numbers on the panel of the elevator…there were 36.

“Shit” she cursed, wracking her brain for some piece of information that would help her remember what floor they were all staying on.

Coming up completely blank Katya had to resort to her last option. Alaska fucking Thunderfuck 5000. The bitch would kill her for calling her so late (early? It was almost 4am..), but she had to get back to her room, and Alaska had the unlucky pleasure of being roomed with the one and only Katya herself.

Grabbing her phone she dialed…and waited…and waited…the ringing was killing her…

“Umm what the fuck hello?” A tired and half mumbled voice spoke on the other end.

“Hey uh Lasky its Kat, would you mind just um uh telling me what floor we’re on, and like um also the room we are…and you know while you’re at it maybe just open the door so I know where to go?.”

“Brian what in the actual hell, it is four in the fucking morning, what are you even doing here? Last I heard Michelle said you found some cute trade to cuddle up with,” Alaska drawled sounding annoyed she’d been awoken from her beauty sleep

Even while half asleep she can still be petty, Katya thought, rolling her eyes.

Putting on the most convincing ‘I’m Katya Zamalowhatever and IDGAF’ voice she spoke, “Look, none of your business, it’s not like you got any tonight. I just forgot the room number I was on my phone when Michelle made the announcement or whatever. Look can you just please tell me where the fuck to go so I can take this makeup off and go to sleep.”

“You’re still in drag?”

“Yes, that’s besides the point, can you just-“

“Kat, are you okay?” There was a serious undertone in Justin’s voice. He knew that as much as Katya loved being Katya, when the shows and parties were over she liked to go back to Brian…at least to sleep. Brain never slept in full face, and for it to be four AM and have a very flustered Katya call asking what room they were in? That was weird. Even for someone as naturally weird and eccentric as Katya.

Katya was exhausted and beyond done with this conversation. Justin was in his sweatpants cuddled in blankets in their hotel room laying on a fluffy bed. Katya on the other hand felt disgusting, was sitting on the floor of the elevator (there seems to be a theme of sitting on gross public floors tonight). Her feet hurt, her head hurt, her body hurt, her mind was racing.

There it was, the panicked feeling again. It felt like a weight was being shoved on her chest. The elevator suddenly seemed much smaller than it appeared to be.

“Justin, please,” Katya choked out. “I’ll talk later. I’m fine okay, just tired. Please don’t push it any further, it’s a moot point anyways, I am fine Barbaraaa”

“Ugh fine. Floor 19. Room 7B. I’ll leave it cracked for you. I’m going back to sleep though bitch. Take your makeup off, but don’t wake me up or I’ll slit your throat with my fucking nails. Goodnight, I’ll see you in the morning…well in like 3 hours. Good God girl you’re going to be fucked tomorrow morning,” Justin chuckled, and with that the phone went silent. At least someone was going to be sleeping well tonight.

Floor 19, room 7B. Easy enough.

Pushing the buttons and getting off of her ass Katya waited for the doors to open for their floor.

Seven B, Seven B, Seven B

She glanced down the hall to her left side, the sign read “1B-28B.”

Okay, that way we go.

It only took a quick walk past a few closed doors to see the one that was opened slightly, reading ‘7B.’

“Jackpot,” she whispered to herself.

The room was completely dark, and the only sound was Justin’s obnoxiously loud breathing.

Yup definitely the right room, she thought rolling her eyes once more.

Walking into the bathroom Katya turned on the light and shut the door gently, as to not wake the sleeping beast on the other side of the room. She didn’t want to look in the mirror anymore. She didn’t want to be Katya anymore. Stripping off the dirty clothes, matted and tangled wig, and tattered tights, she turned on the shower.  

He was Brian again, which originally he thought would make him feel better. Like he could somehow separate himself from Katya and the actions he had taken, but apparently that was not the case.

Washing the makeup off and cleaning his body seemed like it took an eternity, but at this point, this entire night felt like it would never end so the closer he was getting having it be over with the better.

Brian felt numb the more he thought about it. What did I do? You piece of shit. I hate you I hate you I hate you. Why don’t you feel anything. Feel guilty. Feel sad. Feel fucking something. Please. FEEL SOMETHING.

But Brian couldn’t. Just like Katya couldn’t. It didn’t matter if he wiped all of Katya off, it didn’t matter if he could look in the mirror and see Brian. It didn’t fucking matter. It all blurred together now. When Brian looked in the mirror he saw addiction. He saw suffering. He saw his anxiety and depression. He saw all his fucking past and history dug up and start to wrap their hands around his neck taking the life out of his eyes. Dressing up as Katya couldn’t fix that for him.

“Why can’t I feel anything,” Brain agonized running his hands through his hands, “What’s wrong with me.”

Turning up the temperature in the shower to a basically boiling point, he sat down and wrapped his arms around his slender body. The water on his back burned. It burned like a mother fucker, but at least he could feel it. It made things seem real for him. The water. The pain.

“Feel the heat on my sizzling meat…” he laughed dryly into his hands.

Okay girl time to get your ass up and out of here.

Brian could basically hear Alyssa in all her glory making a joke about “girl look how fucking red and wrinkly you look, girl.” That made him smile slightly, he was happy to have friends on the tour. He needed them. He just couldn’t tell them.

Maybe you should..you could get help.

“No.” Brian whispered as he turned off the water and grabbed a towel to dry himself off. “No one needs to know.”

Putting on some clean clothes and making his way over to his bed he finally was able to lay down and breathe. He’d never been so tired in his whole life.

4:32am….awesomeeee I can sleep for a solid 2 hours.

Wrapping the comforter tightly around him he started to close his eyes.

This night never happened.

Insecurities, Jealousy, internal conflict and… Hypocrisy?

I’ve known Emma for a little over a year. we’ve been dating a week. that leaves pretty much a whole year where i wanted to be with her exclusively, but she wasn’t ready for relationship. 

i’d only really been properly single 2 months when i met Emma. 2 months to process and get over a 3 year relationship amid final year coursework, clearly not nearly enough time. i was nearly there though, i’d asked out a couple girls on dates with little success… but i was moving on. i knew once she’d given me the smallest ounce of attention and interest that i was hooked. she was stunningly pretty, wickedly wild and a total nerd loser at heart like me.

Classic Joe move, obviously caught feelings super fast even though it was clear this girl was on the anti relationship warpath. maybe i could’ve just seen her as a fuck, but Emma also treated me as something much more a lot of the time, so i dared to hope one day she’d come around to being with me. true she made it ever so clear the last thing she wanted was a relationship, but in many ways we treated each other like we were at least ‘seeing each other’. it caused me a lot of pain to know she’d kiss other guys on nights out etc but it brought a lot of comfort that i was the only person she was sexual with, shed always end back in my bed at the end of the night. i lived with that, it wasn’t what i wanted but it was the compromise i made to keep this girl i really liked in my life. i appreciated Emma’s honesty, it says a lot about her that she’d be completely upfront about what she did at the risk of me cutting things off.

The real focus of this post is sex, and my very confused feelings on it so that’s where i am gonna try to steer it now. my problem is holding things Emma did with other people whilst i was in her life against her. i don’t mean that i beef her, or v rarely do. its more when i’m low i think of those moments and think of the girl i love spitefully, its an awful feeling but i do and i want it to stop so bad.

a little ways in whilst continuing this casual friendship i hooked up with another girl multiple times. i don’t really know why i did, i guess it was purely because i could. Emma found out and was mad at me for keeping it from her. rightly so i should have mentioned it, but i was in denial thinking that i had no reason to tell her, i was just covering my ass.

Anyways, a little while later we were past that and it seemed we were getting very close, we even mentioned potentially proper dating. the problem was i was moving away so in the end what was the point. mid April while Emma was in Scotland she fooled around with a guy up there. it hurt me a lot true, i thought we were going to be dating when she got back, i felt a lil betrayed but she also never said we were exclusive so wcyd. when Emma came back from Scotland we fought and i told her she either committed to me or we stopped speaking. in a brutal fashion she said no way so i ended it. fair enough on her part but so far from what i wanted obviously.

during the time we weren’t speaking Emma slept with a guy a couple times. i can’t really understand why this still makes me want to vomit nearly 8 months later. its not the literally fact another dick was inside her, we both have sexual history obviously. its not like she cheated on me so its no that either. i guess its simply because hes the only other guy shes been with in the time i’ve been in her life. maybe that in that moment she was with him, she knew i existed, knew i loved her, wanted her more than anything, but instead chose to be with him. i know it isn’t as simple as that though, we weren’t on speaking terms so it wasn’t a simple choice between the two of us. i don’t really worry that much about him being a better shag. i know im good, but i still can’t her description of that night as ‘oH mY gOd the sEx’ like its burned into my brain. i still remember sobbing endlessly onto my friends floor as i saw her tweets showing he’d stayed over in her bed and they’d gone out for food and later that she had feelings for him. all while saying she needed to get over me. the whole thing still makes me want to fucking pull my hair out. literally some of the worst few days of my life.

that paragraph was heavy. i guess the point is that it doesn’t matter anymore. Emma never wronged me, but it still hurts and i subconsciously hold it against her. which isn’t fair on either of us. but see, this whole thing isn’t about trying to beef her being the whole sex thing is NOT one sided at all. by Sean, we’d both slept with one other person, not that numbers count, but my point is how can i be angry at her when i did the exact same thing, and i did it first? i even did it sober and many many more times than her. i also did it while we were on good terms, she did it while we weren’t even speaking. objectively emma sleeping with sean was no different to me sleeping with laura. i dont even think about laura, it was so unremarkable. emma probably feels the same with sean so why do i fixate on it so much?

fast forward many months theres little to talk about sex wise until Emma slept with a girl on a night out in late October. this one was a lot shittier in my eyes, she’d told me she didn’t wanna be with anyone else and i believed her, BUT and its a big BUT, we still weren’t exclusive so technically she didn’t wrong me. it hurt a lot, i felt so betrayed and so worthless but they are my own feelings to deal with, we weren’t exclusive so she was free to do whatever.

i don’t really have the energy to debate straight and gay sex but to me gay sex doesnt really bother me. so the fact emma fooled around with 2 girls recenly doesnt bother me to a massive extreme. hurts a little bit 1-2. what hurts a lot more was that she fooled around with connor who i was assured a million times over was just a pal but we literally werent even speaking then so can’t beef, but for whatever reason it still hurts.

see now while me and Emma weren’t speaking i started speaking to another girl in what i’d consider a fairly serious way. like we saw each other a lot, she met my fam but that was lit because they wouldn’t let me have a girl over without knowing her. probs because she was Mexican smh. SO THIS IS MY POINT. i slept with this girl, took her to college in the morning etc went on a couple dates yet im hung up over emma’s drunk pulls? WHY? that makes me such a hypocrite. well, at least i can recognise that. maybe i see myself as a victim? maybe its a lack of empathy? but from my understanding emma isnt bothered about me sleeping with other people (obvs before we got into a relationship). i evens slept with another girl in the UK. again counting numbers is silly but since we met emmas slept with 1 other guy to my 3 other girls? so why do i hold it against her and feel so shite about it? maybe i’m a bad person i wish i had a clear cut answer.  

perhaps how i see alice, laura and sindy as literal specs of dust compared to the wonder that is what i have with emma is how she views sean and those girls and thats why its not a big deal to her. maybe its not something to feel sick about all the time. like i said before the whole polygamy thing for the first year we knew each other was certainly both ways.

this has helped a lot, its emptied my head an awful amount. i just want us both to enjoy a long and loving relationship and for the past not to hold us back. its late and i should sleep. this post has literally 0 plan, a literal thought train but its also months worth of thoughts all rolled up into a big mush.

i wanna make it clear Emma isn’t responsible for my feelings, nor do i think she is. i just wanted to explore my own gripes to try and understand them a little better, maybe even resolve them in this little egg head of mine.

i know none of this matters now. i love this girl more than I've ever loved anyone. if we aren’t together at LEAST 5 years i’ll feel cheated by the universe. goodNIGHT