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theultimatecrabcake · 4 years

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Some Danganronpa spoilers ahead for the entire franchise so please don't read if you don't want spoilers, serious topics will be discussed

Ok so a while back me and a discord friend had this au-ish idea where the entirety of danganronpa is just Tsumugi's trauma fanfiction based off of people she knows irl and online as a way to cope because she was abused and neglected at home

These are the main details of the au under the cut, there will be no in depth details about the abuse but it is mentioned, I sincerely apologize if I inaccurately portray these issues just in case I did

Tsumugi cosplays at home and that's why she calls herself the ultimate cosplayer, and she makes herself the mastermind because she likes being the villain to cope with her trauma

All the characters from dr1 and sdr2 and the dr3 anime are all based off of people online that she looks up to (or despises in some cases), and characters with alternate versions of themselves are the combinations of their siblings (ex. Toko and Syo are twins and Izuru, Hajime, and super saiyan Hajime are triplets), with the exception of Junko who is an actress who mainly plays villains but irl is really sweet

Monokuma is Tsumugi's homeroom teacher who occasionally lets his sister substitute and the monokubs are his young children that Tsumugi really hates, he's also Junko and Mukuro's uncle and he and Tsumugi have a father-daughter relationship

Junko helps Tsumugi with her cosplays and makeup which is why Tsumugi idolizes her so much and wants to be like her

A lot of the poor writing in dr is due to Tsumugi not having the proper writing experience or knowledge on certain subjects which is why they come off so poorly

The Love Hotel scenes are Tsumugi trying to work through her own sexuality crisis alone (albeit poorly), and her own LH scene is her projecting what she believes is the only relationship she'd ever be loved in even if it's really messed up

All of the blackened and antagonistic characters in dr are people Tsumugi either hates or fears, and those with redeeming motives are the ones Tsumugi fears but recognizes that they are good people

Most characters in dr are cosplayers irl, streamers/youtubers, or social media influencers, aside from in v3 where everyone is a classmate of hers

The survivors of v3 are Tsumugi's irl friends, and the survivors of the prior games just came down to process of elimination mixed with who she liked

Her insistence of being "plain" in the games is because her parents always called her useless, and a part of the reason she hates Monokuma's kids is because she envies them for having the happy childhood she never had

She made monokuma the mascot because he’s known for his brutal punishments to kids who severely break school rules

All of the backstories for the dr1 and sdr2 characters are based off of one of the following: their main cosplay, their favorite game that they’ve played, or their aesthetic on their main social media account

Tsumugi works a lot of part time jobs to pay for her cosplays and her clothes and food

At some point Tsumugi posted her trauma/vent fanfics online under a different pen name and renaming all of the characters so they couldn’t be tracked (each of the games and the anime were posted as their separate fanfics and each chapter in the games is a chapter in the fanfic) and the fanfic blew up super fast, which she didn’t expect, and then people started cosplaying it for the irony and when she’s asked about if she’ll cosplay from it she says she’s not in it for the irony, she also got jaw-dropped when the cosplayers she turned into some of the characters from dr1 and sdr2 started cosplaying from it

One time Kokichi found her fanfic for v3 and commented about how his character seemed super familiar and she responded “no reason :)” and blocked him because his username was super obvious, he soon makes confused posts about it on tiktok

Eventually during Tsumugi’s 3rd year she reposted all of the fanfics but with much better writing and character arcs because she took online writing classes and the internet BLEW UP EVEN HARDER and so many people geeked out over it

Eventually Tsumugi tells her close friends about how she wrote the fics but it accidentally gets out to the whole class and when anyone tries to bully her about it all of her friends fight the bullies

The Love Hotel scenes were completely separate fanfics she impulsively wrote and posted at 3am when her sexuality crisis hit too hard, even she hates them and deleted them a year after they were posted because she just can’t believe she wrote them, let alone post them, and never rewrote them

The following are her relationships with the characters in V3 since she has no real relationships with the characters in dr1 and sdr2

All of the character’s ultimates are in fact based on actual skills they each have, and if they don’t have a distinct skill Tsumugi deep dives and tries to think of one, Junko was mostly inspired by her ability to analyze super well, which helped with her makeup ability, and because she played villain characters who caused despair

Edit: forgot to mention, but when Tsumugi kills her self insert at the end of v3, it's her essentially venting out how if all the important people in her life leave her she has nothing to live for anymore

Shuichi: They met after being some of the few kids in class who had nowhere to sit during lunch so they sat next to each other, after talking some more and realizing they had a lot in common, they became really close and he would sometimes cosplay with her, he also has a crush on Kaede even though it’s only from afar due to his social anxiety, Tsumugi however feels as though she’s a burden to him which is why she has him hate her in the last trial, when she told him she wrote the fanfic he constantly reassured her that she’s not a burden and was super embarrassed that he was made the protag after kaede, though he did find pregame him a bit odd

Himiko: Himiko is also an outsider due to her depression and general tired personality, she’s one of the few people who don’t judge Tsumugi for her cosplaying and anime interests and they’re both in anime club and will occasionally cosplay together, she was the one who accidentally let it slip about the fanfic thing but Tsumugi couldn’t bring herself to be mad

Maki: Another outsider but on purpose, she met Tsumugi after she found Tsumugi getting bullied and pushed around by some older kids, and afterwards she hung around Tsumugi to protect her and they eventually got pretty close even though Maki is generally socially dead, she also helps get Tsumugi food when Tsumugi’s parents are too neglectful to feed her, she also is the main protector of Tsumugi from her bullies, before and after the fic

Kiibo: An exchange student from being homeschooled, he and Tsumugi used to be pretty close, he was pretty famous on social media so sometimes they would go and do influencer stuff together and he’d cosplay with her, eventually he started dating Miu and they got a bit more distant due to Tsumugi not being a big fan of Miu, but they have no harsh feelings towards each other, even though Tsumugi thinks he hates her, he’s also a top student, he was a little weirded out by how both he and Miu were portrayed in the original fic but after talking it out with Tsumugi he let it slide and they talk more often because of that

Kaede: She met Kaede in secondary school and they got fairly close up until Kaede met Rantaro, after they met Kaede started hanging out with him more (romantic or platonic is up for interpretation) and Tsumugi was really hurt and jealous which is why she has Kaede kill Rantaro, she and Tsumugi reignited a relationship after the fanfic thing came out because she was super concerned about how Tsumugi was doing since you don’t just write that stuff without having some sort of trauma, they became closer afterwards and told Tsumugi she was flattered she was made into such a nice girl but also kinda freaked out that Tsumugi technically killed her but they also talked that out, she didn’t hold pregame Kaede against her because Kaede did in fact act like that when she was younger

Rantaro: Him and Tsumugi knew each other in middle school but didn’t like each other, she envied him because of how easy of a time he had making friends, and later on hated him for “stealing” Kaede from her, he is on ok terms with Tsumugi after the fanfic incident because Kaede and Tsumugi reignited a friendship and they tolerate each other

Kirumi: Tsumugi fears and looks up to Kirumi, as Kirumi is head of the student council and class rep but also very strict, one time Tsumugi got pushed down before school and was forced to come with a dirty uniform and Kirumi ripped into her for it and made her cry (although Kirumi quickly apologized and tried to comfort her but the trauma already set in), after she learned about the fic she talked to Tsumugi and gave her a singular pass for it because she did a fairly good job capturing Kirumi’s determination and sophistication

Ryoma: She’s never talked to Ryoma personally but she knows he has a criminal record for some minor crime and that scares her alongside how he one time suplexed a student three times his size after the student tried to pick on him for being short

Korekiyo: He freaks her out and she really hates his sister, and one time he psychoanalyzed her and it hit way too close to home so now she both doesn’t like him and respects him, which is why she just has his sister be the motive/his abuser because she full on just hates her cause she’s a “normie” who made fun of her one time in public, after he learned about the fic he tried to talk to her about the original version of the v3 fic to talk it through because he knew about her issues and now they’re on good terms

Angie: Funny enough she just is way too afraid to talk to Angie because she is a foreign exchange student and Tsumugi was really confused by her religion which is why it’s handled so poorly and why Angie is so focused on Atua, Angie also is super confident in herself and extroverted and that intimidated Tsumugi so much she just never talked to her, after the fic Angie sat her down and educated her on the details of her religion so Tsumugi could fix any accidental misconceptions about the religion and culture

Tenko: With Tsumugi’s constant sexuality crisis, she also has internalized homophobia which is why Tenko, an open women lover, scares her so much, Tsumugi can’t comprehend it so she made Tenko really creepy and oddly violent towards men even though the actual Tenko only beats up men who harass her or other women and not just every single man, she’s also really nice to Himiko and because Tsumugi fears Tenko she warped it

Miu: Miu is also a woman confident in her sexuality, she just comes off a lot more strongly than Tenko and is even more intimidating to Tsumugi, Tsumugi also thinks she’s gross because she’s open about her kinks and her gross ways of making sure she’s healthy, after she and Kiibo started dating she started to resent Miu, but regardless of this she still acknowledges that Miu is a top student, she only really likes Miu because she and Kokichi hate each other, but after it got out that Tsumugi wrote the fic Miu tried to pick on her but Maki scared her off

Gonta: She really loves Gonta and at some point had a crush on him, but he turned her down after Kokichi spread rumors that she was afraid of bugs and Gonta didn’t want to freak her out due to the fact he lives in an area full of bugs and has a few pet bugs, she has no harsh feelings towards him however and still likes him, though not as a crush, Gonta was still super nice to her after the fic thing and doesn’t think any less of her

Kokichi: She absolutely despises him and everything he does, they’ve known each other since they were kids and he’s always picked on her, though to him he’s only friendly teasing and thinks they have a friendly rivalry, he does everything out of childish amusement and doesn’t actually think he’s doing any harm to her even though she actively hates him and has gotten punched on several occasions by Maki for teasing Tsumugi too much, he also is purposely controversial online and has tried to be cancelled way too many times but somehow finds a way to find dirt on the people cancelling him and now everyone is too scared to cancel him, he also “bullies” cosplayers on tiktok by dueting them and mocking them but to him it’s ironic but to everyone else it isn’t, he has done this to Tsumugi on multiple occasions and she hates it, he tried to tease her about writing the fic and blocking him but Maki punches him in the throat, he makes a tiktok about that as well but keeps her identity a secret

Kaito: He became Maki’s boyfriend sometime after she met Maki and, in his stupidity, accidentally insulted Tsumugi’s comfort cosplay and she hated him after that, his death and illness was inspired by the one time he got the flu and gave it to everyone and it ruined one of her wigs, after a while they began talking more and she began to realize he wasn’t a jerk, just really stupid, so she made him a nicer character, after it got out that she wrote the fanfics she asked if he was mad he died but instead he was like “nah man that was a super cool way to go”, he was confused on pregame Kaito until Tsumugi explained that that’s how she used to see him

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tsumugimagines · 4 years

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I thought this could be a funny cool little idea. But could I get some danganronpa v3 headcannons to how they would play the game Among Us? Or like how they would react to the game?

Yes! God yes! I love Among Us, and a lot of people have drawn Danganronpa parallels to it already. I know my maximum is technically 4 characters a request, but I'll make an exception, since this should be easy. Let's see...

- Mod Tsumugi

Shuichi Saihara

- He's a huge help as a crewmate. He's a detective, after all. He knows what he's doing and how to root out the impostor.

- As a result, smart impostors kill him off as soon as possible. Poor guy dies a lot.

- As the impostor, he pretends to be the helpful crewmate he always is before stabbing people in the back. He always feels a little guilty about it though.

Maki Harukawa

- For obvious reasons, she's usually suspected of being the impostor, even after Kaito and Shuichi both confirm that she has scanned.

- She and Kaito usually pair off together.

- She's scarily good at getting kills, usually taking advantage of the lights and doing sneaky vent kills. If she doesn't get voted off due to her just... Being Maki, she likely wins.

Himiko Yumeno

- Hardly ever plays. She thinks it's a pain.

- When she does, she gets her tasks done pretty slowly.

- If she plays, Tenko always insists on following her.

- Awful at impostor. Gets caught pretty quickly, usually through someone catching her red-handed.

Rantaro Amami

- Is always open for anyone to follow him around if they feel unsafe. Occasionally, this ends in his death.

- He's a pretty cryptic and mysterious person by nature, so most people are always at least a little suspicious of him.

- As impostor, he usually kills people while they're running to fix a sabotage. No particular reason, I just feel like he would.

Kaede Akamatsu

- To the surprise of no one, she's always saying things like "Guys, if he work together, we can uncover the impostor!"

- When she's the impostor, she doesn't say that as much, which can give her away to anyone who's paying attention.

- She often hums songs while she plays as crewmate, but not as impostor. She's too nervous then.

Ryoma Hoshi

- He doesn't like the game. A game where someone is murdering others hits a bit too close to home for him.

- That being said, he's a good crewmate in the sense that he does his tasks as soon as possible.

- If he gets impostor, he's very not happy about it, but he might get away with quite a few kills.

Kirumi Tojo

- She hardly ever plays video games in general, but she'll pick up on the rules fast enough.

- She's definitely one of the clueless people that would call a meeting to ask "How do I go into the vents like red did?"

- She's a surprisingly good impostor, though. She learns the art of faking tasks very quickly.

Angie Yonaga

- She would definitely spend a good deal of time checking cams if they're available.

- No matter what, she would always claim to be doing something because god told her to.

- As impostor, she will be quick to get really defensive. This is basically her "tell".

- She definitely uses the balloon hat.

Tenko Chabashira

- She definitely follows Himiko around the entire time. The other girls have to yell at her to do her tasks.

- One time Himiko got impostor and killed her almost immediately. Tenko's squawk of surprise could be heard down the hall.

- As impostor, she tries to kill the guys off first, because of course she does.

Korekiyo Shinguji

- He finds the game an interesting demonstration of how easily humans will believe false accusations. He enjoys playing.

- His habit of stalking people always makes him look pretty suspicious.

- As impostor, he's probably one of the best players, right up there with Maki. He knows how to take advantage of sabotages.

- Once, he and Maki were both impostor. They won.

Miu Iruma

- If anyone tries to hack the game, it's definitely her.

- She usually has to be pressured into doing tasks, and is always really paranoid about getting killed.

- "I'm Miu fuckin' Iruma! I can't just die!"

- As impostor, she's pretty aggressive with sabotages, but definitely get caught and called out for faking fixing them

- "Iruma-Chan wasn't even entering the code! She was just standing there!"

- "GENIUS was the Impostor"

Gonta Gokuhara

- Oh boy. You thought Kirumi was clueless while figuring the game out?

- Gonta always asks if there are bugs in the game, even if he's been told no several times.

- He cannot be impostor at all. He feels really guilty for killing anyone and usually outs his partner on accident.

Kokichi Ouma

- Oh boy.

- Probably what you'd expect from him, really. Lying about where he saw others, what he saw them doing, and even falsely claiming to be the impostor. People have learned to not believe him when he claims this (for the most part).

- As impostor, he might get a few kills, but prefers to get a win from having people fail to fix a sabotage.

- He definitely colors himself purple and wears the captain's hat. (Or whatever that hat is called...)

Kaito Momota

- He nearly always votes for Kokichi unless someone goes out of their way to convince him otherwise.

- He probably checks cams frequently, but never catches anyone doing anything suspicious.

- As impostor, he often gives away his partner by defending them just a little too strongly.

Tsumugi Shirogane

- She tends to fade into the background, just like in real life. She will try and focus on doing her tasks before either following a person who is confirmed as safe or sitting on cameras.

- She definitely makes anime references during discussion time.

- As impostor, though, this becomes an advantage. Nobody has much reason to suspect her.

- She's gotten quite a few surprise wins.

K1-B0 (Kiibo)

- He finds the game stressful. Having to do tasks and watch your back constantly, and possibly being killed at any time? He doesn't like it.

- Kokichi often makes subtle digs at him being a robot during discussions, which is a fantastic way to derail the conversation, since he will chew Kokichi out for being robophobic.

- Due to the laws of robotics and his past, he physically cannot harm a human, which makes impostor very hard for him.

- One time he and Kokichi were the impostors. They somehow pulled a surprise victory with Kiibo leading a charge to admin to shut off an oxygen sabotage, and leaving Kokichi in O2. Kokichi, of course, didn't fix it.

- Kokichi actually hugged Kiibo after that one.

- "Wow! For a robot, you're a pretty good partner, Kiiboy!"

- Confused and flustered robot noises ensued.

#danganronpa imagines #Man this turned into Kiibouma at the end huh #shuichi saihara #maki harukawa #himiko yumeno #rantaro amami #kaede akamatsu #ryoma hoshi #kirumi tojo #angie yonaga #tenko chabashira #korekiyo shinguji #miu iruma #gonta gokuhara #kokichi oma #kokichi ouma #kaito momota #tsumugi shirogane #k1 b0

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angsty-v3-imagines · 7 years

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How about the V3 girls with their S/O who just recently got through being fired from their work?

Yay! A girl ask! I haven’t had one of these in a while!

Thank you for sending a request!

Enjoy!

DRV3 Girls With an S/O Who Just Recently Got Fired From Work

Tsumugi Shirogane:

She wasn’t really sure how to go about comforting you.

You seemed really down about this, even though you’d always said that you didn’t like your job.

So she did what she does best

Dragged you down to the living room and made you sit on the couch with her before turning on your favorite anime.

She curled up with you and watched, laughing an commenting.

Soon enough you were smiling too, your sadness briefly forgotten as you let yourself get lost in what you were watching

Miu Iruma:

She really had no idea how to comfort you.

So she just tries to distract you with her usual kind of talking and trying to make cool inventions for you.

She makes you talking stuffed animals and a bunch of other stuff.

And each time you smile, but the smile doesn’t last long

Until eventually she just sits down with you and hugs you.

“S/O! Try cryin’ into these!”

She shoves your face into her chest

You blink and laugh

Before hugging her

And muttering a thank you for everything she’s done.

Tenko Chabashira:

Neo-Aikido solves all!

She makes you train with her everyday

The endorphins will make you feel better!

It ends up helping a lot more than you thought it would

Don’t forget cuddles!

All night she hugs you tightly and keeps you close to her

She tells you over and over again how stupid your boss was for firing you

And how much she loved you

And how great you were

You kiss her nose

And tell her thank you for everything she’s said and done for you

Kirumi Tojo:

She tried to be as proper as possible, but found that seeing you in such a poor state made her extremely upset.

So she did her best to cheer you up, making all your favorite meals and only playing your favorite movies and TV shows.

She even takes several days off herself in order to spend them with you, despite her hatred for vacation days.

After a few movies on the couch you suddenly just leaned against her.

She nearly froze up.

It certainly wasn’t ‘proper’ for the two of you to be so close, but she also enjoyed feeling you leaning against her.

So she just put an arm around your shoulders and relaxed

Later, when you two wee preparing for bed, you gave her a quick kiss and thanked her for taking the days off to spend with you

Kaede Akamatsu:

She sits you down on the piano bench beside her and just puts her fingers on the keys

And plays the happiest song she knows

And, once she’s finished playing that song, she has you join her in a duet

Once the two of you finish your song she pulls you into a hug and kisses your temple

Before reassuring you that they just didn’t know how amazing you were, and that you’ll find a new job in no time

You thank her quietly and snuggle into her, enjoying her warmth

Maki Harukawa:

She has no idea how to comfort you

It’s not something she’s good at

So she just kinda pats your head

And says that she loves you and she’s there for you

And listens as you vent and talk about why you’re upset

She tells you how much she loves you

And how much you deserved that job, and that they don’t know what they’re doing

And you know she means it, cause she’s not the type to lie to make someone happy, not even you.

Himiko Yumeno:

She practically drags you into bed

Making you sleep super early, since you don’t have to work anyways

She cuddles you basically all day and all night

Snuggling up to you and muttering how much she loves you

You find that you can’t help but smile every time you wake up with your faces inches apart

Then you’ll just stare at her sleeping face until she wakes up

When she does, she’ll plant a small kiss on your nose and mutter a good morning.

“But it’s noon-“

Angie Yonaga:

“It’s alright S/O! Atua is watching over you! Angie is sure you’ll find a new job in no time!”

Her cheeriness almost makes you feel worse at first

She keeps insisting that you smile so she can paint pictures of you

And makes sure the two of you spend even more time than normal praying to Atua

She spends at least an hour everyday on top of you and cuddling you

Until her cheeriness starts to rub off on you and you start smiling again

#danganronpa #danganronpa v3 #new danganronpa v3 #drv3 #ndrv3 #angie yonaga #himiko yumeno #maki harukawa #kaede akamatsu #kirumi tojo #tenko chabashira #miu iruma #tsumugi shirogane #thank you for asking #mod kokichi

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shsl-imagin3s-blog · 7 years

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The ndrv3 girl's catching s/o trying out their talents and failing at it.

This is a cute and funny ask lmao~(as always, if it isn’t to your satisfaction, please don’t hesitate to send an ask)-Mod Kaede

NDRV3 girls catch S/O trying and failing their talents (minor spoiler)

Kaede Akamatsu

Kaede passed by her research room. She stopped in he tracks when she hear a piano note. It was slowly followed by another one. And then another.

She peeks into the room. She giggles when she sees you sitting at her piano, trying to read music sheets. You turn to her and stares at you like deer in headlights.

“Here, let me help!” She sits down next to you, and places her hand over yours.

She gives you detailed piano lessons, kissing your cheek and complimenting you whenever you accomplished something.

Tenko Chabashira

Tenko had forgotten something from her training room.

She walks in, and is surprised to see you throw a punch to a punching bag.

The bag swung and came back to smack you in the face. You fall on your butt.

She walks up to you and holds out her hand for you to take, “Need some help there?” She smiles sweetly.

Once you’re up, she immediately yells, “Alright! Let’s spar! It’s the very basics of Neo-Aikido!”

Oh no.

Tsumugi Shirogane

Tsumugi gasps when she walks into her room.

You were wearing one of her wigs- no wig cap. The cosplay she tailored to fit herself perfectly did not have the same fit for you.

She loves your attempt though!

She immediately gets you a wig cap, make up, and starts getting your measurements for the cosplay.

You laugh, glad to spend more time with her.

Miu Iruma

“Hey, what are you doing?” She peers over your shoulders.

BOOM.

“What the fuck?!” She jumps from the explosion.

When you explain that your plan had.. backfired. She was flattered, but she didn’t want to show you.

“S-so..” She’s trembling as she takes your hand.

“Here’s your mistake..” She guides your hand and helps you salvage your work.

When you thank her, she averts her gaze and blushes before cackling.

Angie Yonaga

“Oh me oh my! What are you doing, S/O?”

You try to hide the drawing behind your back.

She grabbed it and looked at it.

“Hmm~ This is a very cute drawing!” You ask if what she said was true. “Yup yup! Even Atua says so!”

She giggles and gives you a hug. She would invite you to her studio to work on art, but it would get very awkward once she herself started drawing, considering her little habit..

Himiko Yumeno

When Himiko opened the door, a flurry of doves flew past her head. She yelped and covered her face.

When she opens her eyes, she sees you. A hat and a thousand bunnies were on the ground. You looked so scared.

“Hnng... this is going to be a pain in the butt to clean up.” She sits down.

She holds out her hand for you to grab. She pulls you down. You two lay down.

You both play with the bunnies and she promises to teach you magic some other time.

Kirumi Tojo

She walks in, to find you dressed in suit and tie. You stand uncharacteristically straight. You take a bow.

“S/O, what is the meaning of this??” She looks puzzled.

You sit her down and explain that you wanted to surprise her with some tea time.

She feels awkward. You walk towards her, tray with tea in hand. You trip. Oh no.

She sighs, and gives you a smile. She thanks you but says that being a maid is her job and that you should not worry.

She helps you clean up.

Maki Harukawa

You played with the kids at the daycare. You smiled and nodded when some kids showed you something.

You were screaming internally.

Some kids started tugging your hair.

They immediately stopped when Maki came into view. She sighed.

They circled around her and hugged her, “Maki!!!” She didn’t act like it, but she was happy.

After a bit, you two left. You start talking about your day and vent about how hard it is to take care of kids. You claim that she must really be worthy of her title of the Ultimate Child Caregiver.

“... thanks. I hate kids but... you know that’s not my real talent, right?” You stared at her, like??

“Here, let me show you.” She leads you to a room with a red door.

#ndrv3 #drv3 #danganronpa v3 #new danganronpa v3 #maki harukawa #miu iruma #tsumugi shirogane #kaede akamatsu #kirumi tojo #angie yonaga #tenko chabashira #himiko yumeno #mod kaede #imagine

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violetbeachpod · 6 years

Text

TRANSCRIPT: 6 - Memories

backstreets back alright

Okay. Here we go. Gotta knock this one out, and then it’ll be done. It’ll be over, and it’ll be done, and, and, and.

Elaine here. My turn.

Look, I’m not--

I don’t know if I can give anything productive to this conversation, just. I’m--I don’t want to be a part of this, I don’t feel like I’m a part of this. I don’t feel like I’m a part of anything, necessarily, I’m.

I’m a background player. That’s all. And I don’t mind it! I’m--I like it. Prefer it, honestly, to this, to this--sci-fi bullshit, AJ called it, when he dropped by yesterday. He--he needed a vent session. He called it a salt sesh, which--no. I won’t do that. Maybe it was ironic? But he wanted a vent sesh. And his family doesn’t really “do” “those.” And he’s a sweet kid. He deserves a vent sesh.

Can I pull off sesh?

But anyway. I prefer not doing anything to sci-fi bullshit. And I haven’t--It was never really my thing, I was more of a sitcom girl. Like, good ones, obviously, but.

And then, I’m--I’m living in this, which is ridiculous, and--

Teresa’s back. That’s important to say. Just cuz--it happened an hour ago, I’m not sure if all of you know. Well. You’ll know by the time I put this in the folder, but. It’s important that I share what we know now, right? That’s--that’s how storytelling works.

Teresa woke up in her bed this morning. I was on my way back from work, and she called me, just cuz--we saw this stuff first, we kinda. We bonded over that, in the beginning.

And she asked me if I noticed that the sky was blue, rather than the normal olor.

I said, Teresa, you’ve been gone for two weeks, no one’s been able to find you, the sky is always blue, y’know, I went through the motions. Told her everything that’s happened since she went away. Angie had a class this morning, so she doesn’t know yet.

And Teresa is just--she’s insistent that I’m lying to her, that Angie or someone is just playing a joke, and she says that, no, she--that’s how the town got its name, Elaine, our sky is weird. Because of the circle.

I know you’re new here, she says, but come on. This is, like, pre-moving here stuff.

And I--I didn’t know how to react, so I just repeated, I said, she’s been gone for two weeks, and that we’re all so worried. That we’ve all been losing our minds looking for her, that--

[Sigh]

And Douglas is sitting on my lap right now and he’s my only hope for some sense of grounding in this life. Yes you are. Yes you are the only thing holding me back from going into panic.

He’s a sweet boy. The sweetest boy. If Teresa weren’t allergic, I’d bring him over, but--no.

I’m concerned, is the thing. I know--I don’t know these people as well as Rob might, but I’m still concerned.

I’ve been doing some digging, on--on the town’s history, this morning. Wikipediaing, and what have you.

I can’t find anything. I just—I can’t. It’s. All I can find is Facebook groups for, like, yard sales and swap meets and support groups—and I’m gonna go to the swap meets, don’t get me wrong, but they’re just—they’re not important to the cause at hand.

When I was at boarding school, my sophomore year roommate would always go on these deep mystery-solving dives—there was a still unsolved murder that took place on campus thirty-something years ago, and she dedicated herself to ending it. And—

And we’re not friends, or anything, so I can’t, like, reach out, say, hey, girl, it’s me, from high school, uh, I’m being haunted by a ghost maybe, and there’s also time travel, no big, so—how’s med school? Y’know? Can’t do that, that’ll—that’ll make me seem crazy. I’m not in contact with anyone, from back then. It wasn’t, like—not for a lack of trying, I just. Everyone else was closer, I sorta fell out.

But that’s not relevant to the point at hand, which is that Teresa, who is a friend of mine, who’s a smart kid, who’s back, is convinced that the world is wrong.

And I don’t think that the world is wrong. I think—well, maybe I’m the crazy one, maybe I’m the one who’s misremembering the sky, maybe I’m the one who’s gone, but. Look. Listen. I—I don’t know what’s going on. I really, honestly, never have. Like, for my whole life. I’m smart, sure, but I—not in the way where I know other people’s experiences. In the way where I know my own. Where I know how to navigate my life. Not the kind of smart where I can handle weird sci-fi bullshit. Y’know? I’ve secondhand watched a lot of sci-fi, and I. Do not care for it. In the slightest. At all.

Which is, like, sacrilege, in this group. I like fantasy, usually, it’s just—never been huge on sci-fi, ‘cept for the big stuff. Star Wars, etcetera. It’s just not my thing. Is it a crime? No. It isn’t. Please stop trying.

So, here’s the thing about boarding school murders—cuz that’s where my brain keeps going, with this, because that’s the closest thing I have to mystery hunting in the past. Because I did help, yeah. I—I didn’t have many friends, okay, I was new, I was shy, I didn’t do sports or anything, like—I needed friends, and I had this opportunity, so. I stole a video camera from my film class and I helped make a documentary. Look. They can’t get me for it now, I have a masters. So.

We would sneak out into the woods out by the dorms and we’d just—we’d film recreations of the murder. A student killed her—well, we figured out that it was just her friend, but my roommate thought it might have been either an athletic rival or a romantic partner--which I shut down fast, like, look, I am all about gay people doing things, unless they are murder.

And we’d do this every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday night, around three AM. I didn’t sleep much at age sixteen. I don’t sleep much at age twenty-five, even, but, like—I get more, now. So that’s really good. But irrelevant. And my roommate, whose name was Janice Potter, she was from Georgia and she hated that about herself, and—like, sure, cool, whatever, one Tuesday night, when I was busy building sets for the musical, she went out by herself, with the camera, and—I was walking back to the dorm, and I saw her lying in the woods with a broken leg. And I—I brought her to the infirmary, said she fell while taking pictures of the set build for the newspaper. She wasn’t even in newspaper, we—we barely had a newspaper. But the nurses didn’t care, they just needed to tell her mother something.

And the next morning, she didn’t remember going out. I think it was trauma, or something, but I had to go to the hospital with her, because I could recall events and nobody else could. It wasn’t great, and I had to lie a bunch to doctors, which I think is a crime, maybe, which—like, the amount of time that it took me to get that social energy back was—maybe eighty seven years. I’m still getting that back.

But that’s what I keep coming back to, that night in the hospital, when I just stopped giving a shit about the murder, about the mystery, and I just started caring about the people. That’s where I’m at, with this.

I don’t care about some government conspiracy, or alien invasion, or—parallel universe, or—

Wait, yeah, that’s it. there’s some parallel universe shit happening. There we go, proof that you find things as soon as you stop looking. I am basically unstoppable, and, guess what? I’m never gonna die.

But that’s not the point. Whichever one of you all wants to figure out the semantics, feel free, but. I’m not caught up on that.

Here’s the point: Teresa is alive, and she’s back, and we need to take care of that first. We can focus on the parallel universe, which--look, I’m too excited about this not to share. But you guys have to prove it. Cuz I’m not doing that.

Look, so, we’re talking--

[there’s just static. there are syllables, sure, things close to words, but there aren’t words like there were before. there’s just this static.]

I’m assuming that got cut out, like--like Benji got cut off, like AJ got interrupted. But, hey, I--I got it. I’ll email you.

I’m gonna head over to the dorms, bring Rob with me—she’s asleep right now, but I’m—I’ll wake you up in a sec. You’ll hear the in retrospect, like, oh, that’s why my beautiful future-wife who I love was so happy even though a friend of ours may or may not be an amnesiac. God, you’ll think, I love her. I’ll make you coffee so you don’t hate me when you wake up, but—you’ll get it in the future.

I know it’s scary, right now. But we got this, I feel like it for the first time, like there’s relief, rather than dread or worry or aliens in my brain on loop, it’s—

We’ve got this.

Here’s my wrap up. Because we all do these, I guess. Some words.

There’s something terrible in trying to solve a mystery, there’s something—I don’t know. It feels wrong, to be solving a mystery you’re not supposed to. For example, Janice Potter isn’t on Facebook. I’m not going to try and figure out why. I don’t want to know what I don’t need to know, I want to know that people are safe and good and—and not being abducted into parallel universes or whatever we’re calling it.

There’s something perfect in actually solving a mystery, there’s something—

You know how it is. I’m not gonna get all literary. That’s Rob’s job.

Just got a text from Angie with “SHE’S BACK” in all caps, with seventeen heart emojis. It’s very sweet, very nice, very good. It’s cute. That’s what this is worth, that’s—that’s what’s worth celebrating. Benji’s already responded, so’s Charlotte, and—

This is the light at the end of the tunnel. Let’s get out of it.

Okay, that’s bad, that’s clichéd. I can do a better closer than that. We need a better one-liner than that. I can’t come up with a good one, but--I want you all to know that I can do better and I will do better in the future with any and all one liners. I’ll probably come up with twenty as I drive to the dorms, so, uh, venmo me if you want one. Please. I do need payment for my non-sequitirs.

Cool.

Love you, bye.

#transcripts #elaine #season 1 #violet beach #violet beach podcast

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realklimt · 6 years

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25/6/18

It’s been absolutely hectic since the funeral and between hangovers and parties I haven’t had time to write. I guess given the aforementioned observation that its almost better to write about events after some time has elapsed so that they’ve had time to congeal into a narrative, that isn’t such a bad thing after all. Anyway, I’m on the train to Bristol now (going to clear out my room) and finally have some time to dedicate to getting it all down on ‘paper’ (‘pixel’?). I brought my laptop and everything, so hopefully I’m gna be able to get a pretty damn good account of things.

The influence of rereading Diary 2 weighs heavy, and inspired by the imaginative structure I employed to record my final days at school I’m going to recycle it and take you through the past few days party by party. Party, of course, I’m using very loosely, to refer first of all to:

Party 1 – The Funeral

Paradoxical, right? I’d love to be able to say with whole hearted conviction that I’m describing Mum’s funeral as a party because it was a celebration of her life. Unfortunately I didn’t really spend that much time celebrating her, by which I mean talking about her and stuff like that. Most of the time was given over to playing host (Beth, Susan, Sheelps, Georgie, Anjie, Charlie, Alia, Soph, Edmund, Paige, Mel, Milla – u see, an awkward group in need of being comingled, I was on fire) and having a good old giggle and a chinwag with my much missed friends. I think I enjoyed it – the wake part at least – because it was just exactly what I’ve been craving to do for ages – have a drink in luxury with my mates entirely at the expense of someone else (pun – Dad’s money, Mum’s life?). Anyway, I don’t feel so guilty about it because it was a bloody good distraction and exactly what I needed, and besides, what’s the point in being sad?

I’m jumping ahead of myself a bit though because I haven’t even tried to address everything that came before the wake, you know, all the stuff in the cars and the church and that. I managed to keep upbeat and focused on looking forwards to having a drink and a chat with my friends through most of the church. I was trying, dangerously, to balance reverence with excitement, and I didn’t succeed entirely. Processing into the church on Max’s arm I spotted the Bristol kids standing over at the far end of the Church’s parking lot space and gave them a craned head grin. I think I got away with that bit but I know I didn’t get away with the poke in the ribs I gave Alia by way of greeting (I hadn’t considered she was coming, I was buzzing) because when the time came to peace-be-with-you in the middle of mass Smel refused to shake my hand, gave me one of her filthiest glares, and informed me that she couldn’t believe I had said hello to Alia and that I was disgusting. The whole thing hit a nerve, the nerve that was feeling guilty about being so upbeat at Mum’s funeral, and was probably responsible for my subsequent mellowing, and inability to hold back the tears. Moon River, violinned at the end of the Mass, completely did Dad, and it fucked me quite a lot too. But then I would have to be a proper bastard not to have cried at that.

The crem wasn’t so bad. Channah made a really nice speech. I think the thing was that I knew it would be over in 20 minutes and then the whole, sad, hard thing was at an end, and I could go get drunk with my friends. There was one totally bit, which was, like the church, right at the end. That song came on (crazy how music is always the trigger for emotion – observe) and it was that song that Dad picked, I think it’s called ‘Loving You’. Anyway its completely beautiful and utterly perfect. There’s a lyric which goes something like ‘loving you makes everyday be in spring time’ – anyway that’s the sentiment, and that sentiment is what really fucked me up. Being with Mum really was like being in one long, eternal summer holiday – there was always laughter blooming like flowers and the house was always full and in bloom and I can’t refine this metaphor now because it’s making me want to cry on the train but basically the house used to be really full with flowers and now it just feels kind of awkward and empty and it’s never going to be full to the bursting again because there’s a big ass gap where she should be.

Let’s keep it happy now. Because really, apart form those few moments, it was a good day, and I had fun. Everyone dribbled away and in the end the only people left were the family, so all the cousins and of course Maria. She was being strangely very good fun at the Wentworth and, basically completely drunk, I ended up having a good old laugh and chat with her which I carried on into the taxi home, where it morphed into some stupid declaration of ongoing affection (you know the drill – ‘I know we’ve grown apart but the great thing is that whenever we see each other it’s exactly the same’ – all that bullshit). So we were all piled into a cab and we got home, there were like twenty or so people there what with Channah and Craig and I think Chrissy and Sean too from Dad’s friends, and of course Dad and Smell and Uncle Tony (Max still in the thick of exams so was taken home by Angie) and Me and Johnny and Maria. Started feeding myself and Maria and Smell some gin and tonics but got bored of that so asked Maria, on a bizarre whim that was obviously brewing for a while but which I fully accept was entirely inappropriate, if she’d like to do some coke. I don’t know if she felt obliged to indulge me given that it was Jackie’s funeral or if she just genuinely fancied it but she said ‘I mean, sure, if we can’t today then when can we’ and we trotted upstairs, did a key in the locked bathroom, then fell on my bed, wide eyed and high, and got very deep very fast. As always with coke I remember feeling at total liberty to say absolutely anything I fancied (ah, the perfect drug) but struggling to find the right words (at a few moments I literally exclaimed ‘damn I’m not making sense I’m too high to articulate’), and not able to remember exactly what it was I did end up saying. But the basic gist was a general outpouring of cooped up thoughts (I hadn’t had the chance to vent to anyone other than this diary for weeks). I’m not sure I brought it up or if she did but we ended up on the topic of our similarly long term boyfriends and our similar frustration and desire to ‘experience more’. That’s how I got the scoop that Maria is almost definitely going to end it with Johnny, amicably if she can, and with the potential to rediscover one another after discovering themselves. Interesting stuff, stuff I’ve since been happy to disseminate in traditionally loose lipped fashion (really should work on that) but also stuff which I can entirely identify with. More than anything I think I’m just bored with Charlie and frustrated that that isn’t sufficient motivation to end a largely happy and functional relationship. So basically what I’m getting at is that I identify a lot with her at the moment, and that since she’s stopped being obsessed with Johnny she’s sort of reverted to her old, fun self, and basically, made me very tempted to take her up on her invitation to go visit Brighton and see her art show later this week.

Once we’d ridden the high down a few earthward sloping cloud banks (or should I say ‘I’d’ – she kept insisting she wasn’t very high) it felt safe enough to venture downstairs. The party had dribbled away and it ended up being just Johnny, Maria, Channah, Craig and myself slobbing around the early hours kitchen. Channah, Johnny and I had a conversation about Grandad on the sofa in which Channah vehemently defended him against my accusations (‘selfish, arrogant’ parried with ‘he may have been an awful father but he was my Grandad and he was sick’) with Johnny riding the middle ground. That chat wound up and then it was onto the next one in the kitchen, though this felt less like a chat than the q & a with the victim of mourning everyone has been hoping for these past months. I wound up in the hotseat, the swivel stool floating ominously adrift of all other furniture in the middle of the kitchen floor (my emotional isolation…). Channah, drunk and slurring, was the luck interviewer who finally had enough dutch courage to interrogate me with a vengeance.

Accusations came veiled in sympathy and support – ‘you seem alright now but when it does hit you you know that we’re all here for you because you’re my little cousin an I love you’. I’m proud because I think that I rather eloquently externalised the internal monologue that has backing tracked the past few weeks, namely how it has already hit me and I’m okay and I’ve somehow managed to internalise it all and not get completely fucked up. I trotted out the much rehearsed soliloquy on why I don’t feel life is unfair, you know, the one with the babies that get the exact same thing and the people whose whole family get killed in bomb raids and how can I say my life is unfair when fairness is measured against the common experience of human life on this planet which tends, almost exclusively, to look beside mine comparatively shit?

Anyway, cue ‘I don’t know how you’re so strong’ and ‘you’ve made everyone so proud’, which was to be expected but still kind of nice feeling. I’m a posturer and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t partly enjoy the limelight my interview afforded me, and the insistence on my own sadness Channah wouldn’t let drop I excuse her on the grounds she was very very drunk and only trying to help. She did ask one question which I stalled at because I simply didn’t think it was a very good one, which was ‘what’s your favourite memory of your Mum?’ – I don’t know but I think that to pick one would be kind of irreverent. Anyway it struck a nerve with Maria because she had a bit to say about how inconsiderate it was during round two of our dmc in my bedroom (under the pretext of getting pyjamas). That conversation was mainly devoted to the sensation of being a circus attraction that comes with grief, which I tried my best to explain ad which Maria was, to her credit, remarkably receptive and kind about. The thing with her is that I know she has a wicked streak, and that however lovely and kind and understanding she can be, I’m always kind of doubting whether it’s all part of some elaborate ruse. If it was, then it worked on the funeral – as I said to her, ‘it’s ironic that everyone keeps trying to get me to talk to them and in the end the only person I’ve opened up to is the one who never pressured me to – you’.

For all that she claimed she was dissatisfied with Johnny, Maria still let him spoon her to sleep on the sofa. I slept on the front room floor with some pillows, and woke up a few hours later. We didn’t get to sleep until 4 am. On Thursday I was trashed.

Party 2 – The Pool Party

The pool in question being Ella’s, the party her 21st. I guess I shouldn’t really have gone to it, given it was only two days after the funeral and Dad was very upset, but it was just too good of an opportunity to pass up. It was, after all, the very consummation of all my efforts – having gotten good grades, gone to a good university, made rich friends, here I was, the ultimate symbol of social climbing – going to my rich friend’s summer house in the South downs to spend a day drinking, eating, tanning and slobbing about a pristine pool at her parent’s expense. The fact that I’m not even that good friend’s with Ella somehow made it even better. I got in by the skin of my teeth, not on the merit of personality, but social finesse – she couldn’t exclude me because I was a member of her circle, because I’d wormed my way into a house with a group of people far cooler, richer, and prettier than I would ever be. And god, I can tell you, it was literally everything I hoped it would be.

Okay so I kinda fucked up and haven’t had time/ effort to come back to this until now, which is Thursday (28/06/18, in bed, lazy morning) cos the train wasn’t long enough to get it all down and I was at work all day yesterday and Bristol turned out to be more full on than I expected but never mind. I reckon your Mum’s funeral is a pretty *momentous occasion* that deserves to hog a good few hours diary time so it’s really no surprise that parties two and three suffered as a result. In the time that’s elapsed between writing here I’ve also accumulated a fourth party to add to the proceedings, which we’ll get to in due course – but first I better polish of two and three as well as I can (the once crystal memories slip backwards into a murkier abyss).

So to give image of Ella’s pool party in sort of broad strokes: I met Georgie at Clapham where we boarded the train to Barnham, the seat of the Dunn families Sussex retreat. As planned we met Sheelps on the train with her trailing entourage of Ella’s future housemates (Kavya et al.) and, happy surprise, Steffen. The whole party was a real bonding experience, I feel, between me and Steff – he was the only one from his house and immediate circle of friends at the party (others didn’t receive an invite, news received in turn with bitterness), so he had no choice but to attach himself to G and Susan and Beth and I, and we had some good chats, established a sort of rapport. Anyway when we got to Ella’s it was all that was expected but also somehow better – I’d had a great sandstone manor house in mind, but it wa in fact more rustic and cutsie, if still sprawling, all brick and ivy and climbing roses. The whole thing felt very Period drama, what with all the walled gardens connected by hedged walkways and opening onto farmy vistas – that is, until one arrived at the pool area. Think rhombus deck chairs, think polygonal glass poolhouse structure, think ground level wicker sofas, think fire pit and flat screen TV’s: it looked like something off the Kardshian’s, or the villa out of Love Island. The latter association as naturally picked up, and indeed, our twenty four hours spent slobbing around that magnificently modern pool area felt a lot like we were playing at reality tv, hopping from sleepy chat to private gossip, lying on each-others sun warmed arms with the greatest ease and intimacy. Things really picked up when Beth and Susan arrived a few hours after us, and Georgie, Steff and I a somewhat stunted trio on our own, were able to retreat into the warm familiarity of our own established group. Probably my favourite thing about the whole party was how comfortable I felt socially. Relaxing together in our own private deckchair area, bitching about some of Ella’s more irritating friends, sneaking off to get coked up in the tipi away from Ella’s (sensitive? Prying? Judging? Idk she just don’t like drugs) eyes, and staying up when everyone else was engaging in the moronic fraternity (golden sunrise, Will Costello and Dick dancing with us, balanced outrageously on the garden wall, oasis et al classics blaring) it really felt like I’d regained what I loved so much in school, that sensation that I was a key part of a very comfortable club on which others looked in envy and thought ‘wow. I wish I had a group of friends as happy with each other as that’. I’ve never properly felt like that at Uni. Joy.

Party 3 – BBQ

Destroyed on Saturday evening. Train home, near disaster when phone died at Egham station. Couldn’t bear the thought of Dad’s wrath (he get’s especially pissy about travelling without an phone charge), but luckily a kind Indian man in the off licence let me use his phone charger. Dream.

Sunday morning, dragged to horse show but put up with it for UJ because, well, fair. England playing Panama that afternoon so we rushed home where we were met by Frys and family (Tone, Anj, Max, John, Diva etc.) for footy and barby. Max’s friend came too and we were told to get our mates over so after the match Edmund trotted over and we sat and had some drinks in the sun. Camilla finished work at 6:30 and joined us too.

I don’t really know what more to say about party 3 except that it was great fun chatting with Edmund and Milla (Beth keeps saying that she thought all my ‘home friends’ were really fun when she met them a the funeral and it’s at time’s like party 3 that I really believe her) and that it felt a little bit empty because Mum wasn’t there. I kept seeing Dad sitting alone and worrying about him, and hearing snatches of his conversation where he said things like ‘everyday is torture’, so I buried myself in happier chats and a good few drinks and, well yeah. That’s kind of it.

Party 4 – Cocaina Blue Lagoona

Wherein the name gives it away. Monday night in Bristol with Beth and Susan, clearing out the house. Wasn’t the same easy chats and intimacy that I’d been enjoying at Ella’s – suspect it may be something to do with the domestic I overheard Beth and Susan having just before we hit the Lagoon, something about Susan being short and sarcastic with Beth which Beth didn’t like. Interesting insight, we’ll see how that one plays out. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t quite like the idea of wedging myself in the cracks between Beth and Susan – but can you blame me? It’s tiring hanging around best friends.

Anyway, we’d done most of the packing so we hit up Blue Lagoon where, surprise surprise, Maddy was waiting. Maddy’s course friend was also there and though I can’t remember her name I actually really liked her and I thought she was a welcome addition to the party. The same can’t be said for Maddy. I mean, I really have tried to like her and I know she’s sweet really and she really is very kind and including to me but I don’t know – she’s just so loud! And so Maddy orientated. It just get’s wearing sitting in a group and every perceivable lull in conversation is filled with a new exclamation about what Maddy has been up to, which will of course dominate the conversation until she remembers something else she wanted to tell us about her day. Honestly so relieved she’s going on a bloody year abroad. If you want my opinion, she almost always makes a night worse, and seldom improves it. That’s just my honest opinion.

Anyway. Blue Lagoon wouldn’t let us have alcohol outside past 11 so we had to move inside and endure the deafening music in there. Beth snuck to the toilet and did some coke, something she only told Susan and I. After half an hour of conspiratorially waggling her eyebrows across the table at us she finally outed herself to Maddy, a declaration met not with outrage but surprise, and then the suggestion we all go back to Maddy’s for afters and get coked up. That’s kind of exactly what happened. Not much else to report. Oh yeah, except this, which future you may find funny. Maddy has this ‘party trick’ which she thinks is the nuts where she balances a can of cider on her head and like moves around. From the way she and people talk about this you’d think she’d shoved it up her ass, I mean, you should hear them go on and see the reels of photos they take. It’s not impressive, it’s boring. I was pretty coked by the time she got round to doing it so I can’t remember fully, but I hoped I yawned.

Anyway. I feel like we’re kind of up to date. Needless to say the diet has gone completely off the rails over the last week, so I’m now on a three day detox before Grace’s. Gna try go until about two or three without eating – intermittent fasting, do yo thang!

PS. You’ll notice that I’ve barely mentioned Mum, and that I don’t really sound sad. That’s the thing with distractions. But what happens is that when I’m finally alone and I’m lying in bed and I’ve turned off my phone and the noise is all gone, I suddenly realise that I haven’t thought about her in a while, and that that’s how life will be until at last I don’t think about her at all. I think that’s the saddest thing ever. How your everything can suddenly shrink to your sometimes, and then to your rarely ever at all, a footnote in your life. I don’t really know how to remedy this but I think that maybe writing about it might be a good way to start. Not to self. Less partying, more writing. Let’s not let this all go to waste.

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