#angharad webb
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References
Anderssen, Norman, Christine Amlie, and Erling A. Ytterøy. 2002. “Outcomes for Children with Lesbian or Gay Parents. A Review of Studies from 1978 to 2000.” Scandinavian Journal of Psychology 43(4): 335–351. DOI: 10.1111/1467-9450.00302.
Herbstrith, Julie C., Matthew S. Hesson-McInnis, W. J. Schneider, and Renée M. Tobin. 2013. “Preservice Teacher Attitudes Toward Gay and Lesbian Parents.” School Psychology Quarterly 28(3): 183–194. DOI: 10.1037/spq0000022.
Hosking, Gipsy, Monique Mulholland, and Barbara Baird. 2015. “‘We are doing just fine’: The Children of Australian Gay and Lesbian Parents Speak Out.” Journal of GLBT Family Studies 11(4): 327–350. DOI: 10.1080/1550428X.2014.988378.
Peter, Tracy, Catherine Taylor, and Tamara Edkins. 2016. “Are the Kids All Right? The Impact of School Climate among Students with LGBT Parents.” Canadian Journal of Education 39(1): 1–25.
Tate, Doyle P., Charlotte J. Patterson, and Andrew J. Levy. 2019. “Predictors of Parenting Intentions Among Childless Lesbian, Gay, and Heterosexual Adults.” Journal of Family Psychology 33(2): 194–202. DOI: 10.1037/fam0000499.
Titlestad, Angharad, and Julie A. Pooley.“Resilience in Same-Sex-Parented Families: The Lived Experience of Adults with Gay, Lesbian, or Bisexual Parents.” Journal of GLBT Family Studies 10(4): 329–353. DOI: 10.1080/1550428X.2013.833065.
Webb, Stephanie N., and Jill Chonody. 2014. “Heterosexual Attitudes Toward Same-Sex Marriage: The Influence of Attitudes Toward Same-Sex Parenting.” Journal of GLBT Family Studies 10(4): 404–421. DOI: 10.1080/1550428X.2013.832644.
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Post TEN characters you’d like to roleplay as, have roleplayed as, would like to roleplay as, and might bring back, then tag TEN people to do the same.
**please REPOST, don’t REBLOG.
CURRENTLY PLAYING (most recently).
1. Marla McGivers [Star Trek] + Clara Webb [Byzantium] {{both played by Gemma Arterton}}
2. The Splendid Angharad [Mad Max: Fury Road] + Rocket [SuckerPunch]
HAVE PLAYED.
3. Anne Boleyn [The Tudors/Modern AU]
4. Anne of Cleves [The Tudors]
5. Queen Ravenna [Snow White and the Huntsman]
WOULD LIKE TO PLAY [MORE].
6. Dark AU Multimuse [Fairytale/literature]
7. Aleksandra Petrov [House of Cards OC]
8. Amelia Dabney [Modern/AU The Beguiled]
MIGHT BRING BACK.
9. Alice Morgan [Luther]
10. Jane Eyre [AU Supernatural leaning literature]
TAGGED BY: NO ONE
TAGGING: EVERYONE
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The Sex Column: ‘I’m single and lonely at 40 – why can’t I settle down?’
‘The women I’m attracted to aren’t interested in me and the ones I don’t feel attracted to want more’ (Picture: Neil Webb/Metro.co.uk)
I’m a single guy whose 40th birthday is in sight. I’m lonely.
Most of my friends are married and, although I’m dating, the women I’m attracted to aren’t interested in me and the ones I don’t feel attracted to want more.
I went on dates with a woman I liked and, after we kissed, I messaged her loads and scared her off.
I have plenty to offer and never have trouble getting dates but am I placing too much on chemistry? Should I persevere with women I don’t feel attracted to?
Oh, the mysteries of sexual and romantic attraction.
‘You’re caught on the horns of the oldest dilemma in the world,’ says Rupert Smith. ‘The ones you fancy don’t fancy you, and you don’t fancy the ones who do fancy you.’
But you know what you want. So what do you find attractive in these women?
‘I always used to go for handsome, intellectual but emotionally unavailable men until I had the horrible realisation I was pursuing people who reminded me of my father,’ says Smith. ‘After that, my tastes and my chemistry changed. Are you looking for partners who might reiterate relationships, good or bad, from your early life? Or are you hung up on rigid ideas of beauty?’
When we are attracted to another, we are evaluating them on emotional, intellectual and instinctive levels.
‘So don’t dismiss chemistry,’ says James McConnachie. ‘It isn’t a lower thing, it’s a deeper one — it’s the scent and feel. We’re mammals and chemistry describes our deep mammalian instinct for who we fit best with. So trust those instincts. If you’re placing too much emphasis on anything, it’s probably dating.’
Because chasing someone too hard suggests desperation.
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‘“Here’s someone”, it says, “who hasn’t got anything better to do than fiddle with their phone.” The richer your life outside of dating, the more interesting you will seem — and the more interesting you will be,’ McConnachie adds.
Looking back, were you aware and sensitive to her needs or were you so distracted with how you felt that you ploughed on with your messages regardless?
‘Reading the situation and being able to tune into other people’s feelings is such an important part of moving dating into something deeper and more meaningful,’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin.
When we reject those who like us, it is related to low self-esteem.
‘We rubbish those who find something likeable in us so if you do struggle with your self-esteem, take a break from dating and work on your confidence,’ says Rudkin.
Focus on aligning with your authentic desires. Appreciate yourself and everything else will fall into place.
The experts
Rupert Smith is an author and counsellor
James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist
Got a sex and dating dilemma?
To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected]
MORE : The Sex Column: ‘People don’t approve of me dating a man who’s 18 years older than me’
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Rush Hour Crush - love (well, lust) is all around us
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Tell us about your Rush Hour Crush by submitting them here, and you could see your message published on the site.
How to get your Metro newspaper fix
Metro newspaper is still available for you to pick up every weekday morning or you can download our app for all your favourite news, features, puzzles... and the exclusive evening edition!
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The Sex Column: ‘Why doesn’t he want kids?’
‘In our last conversation, he said he is not ready’ (Picture: Neil Webb/Metro.co.uk)
‘I’ve been with my partner for four years and he’s the stepfather to my little boy who is eight years old.
‘I want another child and he knew this when we met. He’s always said he wants our own child and we agreed we would start trying after we got married.
‘We have been married for nearly two years now and there is always an excuse, such as wanting to wait until he’s earning a certain amount of money.
‘In our last conversation, he said he is not ready. He’s such a great father to my son.
‘As much as I love him, this could be a deal-breaker.
‘Do I tell him that?’
A good rule of negotiation is to never make a threat you don’t intend to see through.
‘Is this truly a deal-breaker for you?’ asks James McConnachie. ‘Because if it is — and I suspect it is — then you absolutely need to have a conversation with your husband.’
You deserve to have your feelings heard and your husband deserves to know how you feel.
‘You cannot put something so important aside — even if you do, it will only fester and all kinds of nasty things will grow from it,’ he adds.
But rather than entering into your husband’s avoidant way of being — ultimatums are rarely a successful negotiation tactic — encourage him to open up so that you can understand what is so anxiety-provoking for him.
‘Make clear how important it is that you know how he really feels because only if you know what he thinks, can you know what you will do,’ says McConnachie.
‘It may be that he’s scared. Some men find that hard to admit. Some find it hard to even realise. So you could start there by saying, “Do you find the thought of having our own children scary? I know I do sometimes.”’
You are both already parents so you’re not in uncharted territory. You describe him as a great father, does he know?
‘Perhaps a lack of confidence around his parenting skills could be contributing to this procrastination,’ says Dr Anghard Rudkin. ‘Perhaps being a father brings back difficult issues from his own childhood. Or is he concerned that if you have children together, you will eventually separate as you have with your father’s son?’
He could also be worried about whether he can give another child the same amount of love he has given your son.
‘While I hear your frustration, it’s important to remind yourself that parents are there to meet children’s needs, not vice versa,’ say Rupert Smith. Honesty is needed, maybe with a relationship counsellor. ‘You’ve waited long enough to have your desires respected and your feelings heard,’ says McConnachie.
The experts
Rupert Smith is an author and counsellor
James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
MORE : The Sex Column: ‘How do I make sure my jealousy doesn’t ruin my relationship?’
MORE : The Sex Column: ‘Do I give him another chance?’
MORE : The Sex Column: ‘My last boyfriend cheated on me – has this tainted me forever?’
Rush Hour Crush - love (well, lust) is all around us
Visit Metro's Rush Hour Crush online every weekday at 4:30pm.
Tell us about your Rush Hour Crush by submitting them here, and you could see your message published on the site.
How to get your Metro newspaper fix
Metro newspaper is still available for you to pick up every weekday morning or you can download our app for all your favourite news, features, puzzles... and the exclusive evening edition!
Download the Metro newspaper app for free on App Store and Google Play
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‘I’ve been forced into a long-distance relationship by lockdown’
‘I just want to be in our new house, getting on with our new life’ (Picture: Neil Webb)
My boyfriend and I are moving to a new city and because of family commitments, I’ve had to stay behind while he goes ahead.
Lockdown has now delayed the reason I’m staying behind, which means I don’t have a date to travel to him.
I now feel in a rut and frustrated about so much of what is happening. I just want to be in our new house, getting on with our new life.
I can struggle to talk about how I feel and long-distance has never appealed. Now it’s been forced on me. What’s your advice?
We have all become less accomplished at waiting.
‘We’re used to high-speed lives, and phones and Zoom calls can create an illusion of closeness that sometimes makes the waiting harder still,’ says James McConnachie.
None of us currently feel in control of our lives but separations have always been difficult because the majority of us are dependent on the physical proximity of the people we care about.
‘While we can manage physical separation from our parents and siblings, it is much harder to manage our anxiety when we are physically separated from our partners,’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin. ‘We worry about coping without them and it also triggers quite intense worries about whether they are going to keep us in mind.’
Because you are someone who struggles to communicate their feelings, these emotions will be bubbling just under the surface and probably manifesting as physical pains, aches, irritability and snappiness.
‘But given that you’ve got so much going for you – a boyfriend who wants you, a new house, a future planned out, a family to who you feel some commitment – I must assume that this anxiety and negativity come very naturally to you,’ says Rupert Smith.
‘Is this a pattern you recognise from your childhood? You struggle to talk about how you feel: have you been surrounded by people that help you feel accepted and understood? As you’ve got time on your hands, follow the thread of this pattern back to its earliest days and see what it reveals.’
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Dr Rudkin also suggests practising a technique called decentering, which involves extracting yourself from the current moment and taking on a broader perspective of your life.
‘Imagine a helicopter lifting off and the wider perspective this elevation gives you,’ she explains. ‘This decentering is useful because it helps shift our awareness from our day-to-day lives and see that all our thoughts and feelings are temporary.’
In uncertain times, it’s also a good idea to seek whatever certainties you can: moments with your parents (home-cooked meals?), regular conversations with friends (helping others helps our mental health) and a working date to travel to your boyfriend.
‘All plans have to be adapted to circumstances but that shouldn’t stop us making them,’ says McConnachie. ‘Once your plan is made you can focus on the present, which will help the future arrive much faster.’
The experts:
Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist
James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
Rupert Smith is an author and counsellor
Got a sex and dating dilemma?
To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected].
MORE : 103 love and sex voucher ideas to gift to your partner
MORE : How to cope with this lockdown if the first one tested your relationship
MORE : ‘My girlfriend slept with her colleague and we’re still together. Am I being a doormat?’
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‘I had sex with a guy I was dating and now I want us to go exclusive – he doesn’t. What now?’
Asking for exclusivity is a tricky conversation (Picture: NEIL WEBB)
After lockdown, I decided to expand my horizons and I’ve been dating four very different guys, discovering what I like and don’t like, and what my non-negotiables are.
Then I started developing feelings for one of them – the one most my type, of course.
Eventually we had sex and I asked him if he wanted to be exclusive. He said he liked me but wanted to keep things open for now.
My confidence has been a little dented and I’ve been musing on how I’ve ended up getting attached to the same sort of guy anyway.
He has since asked me to go away for a weekend, which has confused me.
Should I have another conversation with him about how he feels about us or shall I just see how it all pans out?
You like him and he clearly likes you. So what’s the issue with embarking on this romantic rite of passage together?
‘Perhaps the problem is that you are feeling out of control,’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin. ‘You bravely tried to take the lead by asking him to be exclusive and he left you feeling weak and passive.’
We admire your adventurous dating approach but it is currently stunted by your focus on speculation. Yes, you might get hurt, but spending more time together is the only way for this new union to blossom.
‘Rather than wasting more time on theory, start focusing on how you feel when you’re with him, how he treats you and whether you feel listened to and cared for,’ says Rudkin.
It’s always easier to muse on what we don’t want, like non-negotiables, but try to start feeling into whether he can give you what you do want.
‘When you stop attempting to guess what he means, what he wants, intends and feels, you can start committing to your needs,’ says James McConnachie.
We also suggest you start considering why he is your type.
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‘Usually, if we have a type, it means we’re repeating relationship patterns that were formed in early childhood,’ says Rupert Smith. ‘If you’re always going for emotionally distant guys, or highly ambitious guys, or very demonstrative guys, or passive guys, it means you’re trying on some level to repeat and replicate the relationships of your early life.’
Replicating healthy reciprocal relationships is obviously ideal but if you’re chasing something unhealthy because it’s familiar, consider counselling to understand and update your templates.
So do your best to stay present during this weekend away and assess how you both feel when you return. If your commitment needs remain incompatible, you might have to agree to differ and go your separate ways.
‘Otherwise your insecure position in an imbalanced relationship will end up hurting you,’ says McConnachie.
We suspect he just needs a little more time to get to where you are – and there’s only one way to find out.
The experts:
Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist
James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
Rupert Smith is the author of Interlude (Turnaround)
Got a sex and relationship dilemma?
Send them over to [email protected].
MORE: ‘Rejection from my date hit me harder than my divorce… what do I do?’
MORE: ‘Will the new coronavirus curfew end my crush?’
MORE: ‘My girlfriend slept with her colleague and we’re still together. Am I being a doormat?’
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