Could you write a drabble for Mikoto and Shidou plus Blood? This request miiight be inspired by the fact that Mikoto mentions his body hurting a lot but doesn't seem to be receiving any medical treatment, either because Mahiru and Fuuta take priority or because there's no obvious cause, and therefore cure, to his pain...

👀👀👀 Thank you, this is such a good combo ough!! It's so interesting how much focus the others get when it comes to physical health, since Mikoto has clearly complained of his condition :( It looks like Milgram is trying to push the idea that he's completely oblivious to his alters, but I spun it where he's aware, just deep in denial. So have some Mikoto angst to get us hyped for Double!

Mikoto should be grateful. He was lucky. That’s what he kept repeating to himself. He had both of his eyes intact. Both his arms. He was strong enough to walk around freely. He wasn’t on the verge of death, or collapse. Thus, he should be grateful no one was offering him any help, because it meant he didn’t need it. He repeated it again. Maybe this time he would believe it.

With a groan, his body rolled out of bed. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d woken up actually feeling rested. Everything ached. His muscles tightened with soreness. His throat felt as raw as his knuckles, though he hadn’t been using either. He had no desire to lift his arms over his head, or twist around too much, so he didn’t change out of yesterday’s uniform. Maybe the belts and buckles had made it difficult to sleep. The theory wasn’t a convincing one, but dwelling on things like that had never gotten him anywhere.

He ran his fingers once through his hair, combing out a bit of the mess. Looking in a mirror was the last thing he needed. He made his way to the dining hall. 

The others trickled in for breakfast. His appetite, at least, hadn’t suffered. He hardly noticed the others giving him wide-eyed stares. What were they expecting? Of course he was looking worse for wear, given the circumstances. He ignored them, glad to focus on the hot meal before him.

A hand weighed heavy on his shoulder.

“Mikoto,” Shidou’s voice may have remained calm, but it was urgent. “Do you need some help?”

“Huh?” He shrugged his hand away, offering a weak smile. “I’m fine! Oh, I think Kazui was saving a seat for you over there, if you --”

“-- How about we go to my cell for a moment? Or yours, if that would be more comfortable.”

What was everyone’s problem this morning? Mikoto did his best to keep his voice pleasant. “Really, man, I’m good.” 

Shidou’s expression remained unmoving. Very carefully, he informed him, “you’re bleeding. Pretty badly by the look of it. You’re coming with me.” 

Mikoto blinked. He looked over his shoulder, following Shidou’s gaze. The back of his uniform was torn across the center. A significant splotch of blood seeped into the material, growing even larger as he shifted to see it. 

“...Oh…” 

Back in Shidou’s cell, sad to have left his breakfast plate behind, he slumped into a chair. Shidou gathered together some supplies. As always, he got right to the point. “What happened?”

“I… I’m not sure. I don’t remember anything from last night. I don’t remember most nights, recently. I know that sounds crazy, but…”

“It’s fine. I have definitely heard crazier.” He smiled, something gentle and reassuring. As usual, there was something hidden behind his eyes. It was as if he already knew what Mikoto was up to late at night that earned him so much soreness the following days. He didn’t offer an explanation, though. Mikoto didn’t press him for one.

He winced as he was helped out of his uniform. Removing his shirt revealed the mysterious gash. Shidou’s eyes widened at the array of scratches and scars. Some were fresh, but most originated long before Milgram. Though he didn’t ask, Mikoto answered.

“I’m pretty clumsy, huh?” Maybe this time he would believe it. 

Shidou was kind enough to pretend to. “Here, allow me…”

Shidou got to work cleaning and dressing the injuries. Mikoto closed his eyes. Even though the disinfectant stung, and sometimes those gloved fingers pressed a little two hard, it felt nice to have things patched up. 

“Is there anything else going on? Are you feeling pain anywhere else?”

Mikoto could have laughed. He didn’t. “I’m just sore. And my head’s been killing me, but I’m used to migraines. Perks of the verdict, I’m sure.”

Shidou hummed in thought. 

“Thanks, by the way. I’ll try to be more careful.” Not that he had much choice in the matter, it seemed. But he’d do his best. 

Shidou kept his face straight, but there were traces of pain in his voice. “I will too. I’m sorry, Mikoto. If I had known… I’ve been distracted lately, but I should have paid closer attention.”

“It’s fine,” he flashed a grin. “I know the others are pretty fucked up. And I’m not dying or anything. I’m lucky, you know?”

“I wouldn’t say so. Doctors don’t only treat the dying.”

Mikoto frowned. 

It didn’t take much longer to finish treatment. Shidou gave him a few instructions about the bandages, then offered him a clean shirt. “You’re good to go. I’ll be checking in more often, now. I’ll see if I can find something for your head.” 

“Thanks. Really.”

He returned Mikoto’s torn uniform. “You should talk to Es about getting a new one. Until then, you’ll want to clean this with --”

Mikoto waved a dismissive hand, heading out of the cell. “Don’t worry, I know how to wash blood out of my clothes. Er, that sounds bad. I’m just a clutz, yeah? The blood’s always been my own.”

Maybe this time he would believe it.

A Letter to Myself

Dear Gorgeous, Beautiful, Awesome Woman, Too much? Ok fine. Dear Deanna, I’m writing to you for two reasons. The first is because I am currently sitting in a coffee shop with two hours of free time, sans toddler. This is the first time in a while I’ve had to really talk to you. Check in, and reflect. The second reason is to share with the blogging world. Mostly with people who are in the beginning stages of learning intuitive eating and the whole body love movement. You’ve made a bit of a name for yourself… that fat girl who just talks about how wonderful it is to be fat. I think people may forget that you’re on a journey yourself. It’s an uphill journey, trying to undo twenty plus years of negative messaging, images, bullying, and worst of all, diet culture. I know you began sharing your thoughts and ideas to help yourself just as much as others. Writing helps you process. Forces you to process. Yet, I don’t think it’s quite clear to your friends, family, followers and neighbours, that this is your recovery process. I know you are not claiming to have all the answers. I know that you don’t have it all figured out. They however, might not realize this. You need to do better at sharing your vulnerability, uncertainty and difficulties just as much as the good stuff you’re experiencing from living the body love life. Or trying to. Yes, you want to share this wonderful spring of refreshing self-love and freedom that you’ve discovered. You want to sell it, basically. Most body positive people do. However, that not why you started this… not really. Tell them. Share your story. For your sake and theirs. Tell them how you’ve gone up four sizes since giving yourself permission to eat. Since firing the diet police. Tell them that it’s getting hard to sit in a booth when you go out to a restaurant with your husband. Tell them that you use your loofa on a stick more than you care to admit. Is it horrifying? Shameful? Only if you let it be. You know very well the power of “me too”. Shame can’t survive being shared. You are waiting for carpal tunnel surgery, and I know you’re concerned about personal hygiene during the healing process. You can’t do anything with a non-dominant hand suffering from carpal tunnel! Tell people that you seriously considered dieting again. You made excuses to undo all the work you’ve been doing- just a month of calorie restriction and intense exercise to make recovery easier for yourself and your caretakers. This was a good excuse take another chip off of your metabolism. The few people you told even agreed with you… you were doing it for the “right reasons.” You know being fat is hard. Getting superfat has been super hard. (This made me chuckle.) It’s not all glamour, its not all Instagram “worthy” with #ssbbwfashion. (Super-sized big beautiful woman fashion for those who don’t speak Instagram.) But you know better now… theres nothing to run towards. No eating plan (even if they disguise it as a “lifestyle”) can take the place of your biology. Diets don’t work. Calories in, calories out if not a proven mathematical equation. A month of surgery recovery time is not worth abusing your metabolism, mind and body. Your body is biologically designed to do what it has to, to keep it alive. To prepare it for survival of what may come. Once it senses you are effectively starving it of calories, (you and I both know that our body knows that sensation very well) it is going to fight you. Remember what dieting felt like? Headaches, intense hunger while you tried to fall asleep at night. Sweating doing simple tasks, feeling so cold because your body didn’t have enough energy to keep all your functions going. Feelings of shame and failure when you couldn’t overcome your biology. People will read this and say,“That doesn’t sound like healthy weight loss”. “There’s a healthy way to lose weight.” “You don’t have to starve yourself.” But they are wrong… a diet is an unmaintainable set of rules to eat by. Diets, however “reasonable”, work short term but usually do more damage long term. (Please note that if you are required to lose weight by a doctor for the relief or cure of a present medical condition, and not just because your doctor is fatphobic, that I think its sensible to follow this advice.) Deanna, you are naturally a bigger person, but no, this size 24 that you are now… its not your set point. Stay the course. Work the 10 principles of Intuitive Eating. Treat your body with kindness. Eat when you are hungry. Stop when you are full. Tune in to your body and recognize how certain foods make your body feel. Focus on gentle nutrition. Move your body because it feels good. (In other words, do NOT put that photo of your ”dream body” back on the screen of your treadmill so you can mentally torture yourself for all that you are NOT.) It will work. Nobody promised it would be easy. But that’s just it Deanna. You tried the easy way… the “clean eating” and the “30 days to a six pack”, sugar free, cleanses. I could go on. It didn’t get you to a place of peace, happiness and feeling good in your body. You have more peace with your very large body now, health issues and all, than you ever have before. You refuse to feel ashamed, and regularly remind yourself of how much MORE you bring to this world than just your dress size. It hasn’t been easy and

I’m so proud of you!! Not everybody can make it as far as you have. You’ve been so strong, and you’re setting a good example for your daughter. I can’t find who said it, but please remember this quote the next time you convince yourself that dieting is the right thing to do; “Don’t waste 95% of your life just to weigh 5% less.” I think it’s healthy to acknowledge the struggles that you’ve been having with Intuitive Eating hun. I bet you you’re far from the only one. Acknowledge that you still eat for reasons other than hunger such as stress, boredom, and procrastination. Wondering if you’ll ever feel neutral about food. Wondering if you’ll ever stop obsessing about food. Wondering if you’ll ever find your set point. The books all say this is part of the journey, but it is still difficult. You start out the day trying to be present while you eat and pay attention to how you feel afterwards. Then life gets busy and next thing you know you’ve had two granola bars for lunch, run off to some appointment, and when 3:30 rolls around you are bingeing on Timbits in the car because you’re so hungry you feel like you’re gonna pass out. Literally. When hunger like that hits, its way too late to check in and see how your body is feeling. That kind of primal hunger guarantees you will overeat and feel like garbage afterwards. Self love is tricky when you’re a SAHM- convention says that your needs come last, and those messages are also super deeply ingrained in you. You’ve made progress though my dear, and have had amazing moments that reaffirm that you are on the right track, but it’s okay to admit that some days you can’t see the finish line, or even imagine it. By nature you are a quitter, or flakey. Both actually. Its okay to admit it. I’m so proud of you for seeing this through. I’m proud of the reading you’ve done, community of support you’ve built around you, and for seeking professional support. I’m also so proud of you for the encouragement and inspiration you have given to women who have reached out and thanked you for sharing this journey publicly. Focus Deanna- on how your body feels, not how it looks. You have so much more in store for you. Have faith in yourself. Love, Me