#and yes i believe some of the incidents would be considered csa | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mycptsdrecovery · 1 year

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hi! i’m sorry to ask this really because it feels like i’m doing something wrong, but i’ve kind of been obsessing over this lately because it makes a lot of sense, but also i feel like because i don’t have any memories of being touched it doesn’t really count as csa? if anyone could give me advice or an opinion i would be very grateful for it.

TW (kind of graphic descriptions of bad things, medical trauma, mention of trafficking)

* when i was like 10 i was in the shower while my mom was giving a bath to my brother, and after i got out and got dressed she said something like “i noticed while you were taking a shower, you have dark hair down there like me, i could teach you to shave it if you want.” which made me really uncomfortable because i didn’t think she would watch me, and now i try to avoid getting undressed around her at all costs

* she did something similar when i was at a medical appointment because i had to get an ultrasound and so they had to pull my pants and underwear down a bit, and i saw her looking at my area and i was really uncomfortable

* there’s a memory i have from around 5 or 6 where i had just gotten out of the bath and then either her or my dad put something really painful on/in my genitals, i think to clean it (i had a lot of utis when i was little)? i remember remembering that when i was little as well, but its only recently that i actually thought about it

* everytime our family friends come over she forces me to shave, she also made me get laser hair removal for a while when i didn’t want it. a while ago she said if i wanted to wear shorts in public i would have to shave (this one is probably the least close to csa but i mentioned it to a friend and he said it was messed up)

* when i was like 3 i remember my dad taking me to a scary doctor appointment place and they put a catheter in me and it hurt so bad and then i couldn’t control myself and pee got everywhere and it was awful

* a few months ago my mom made me tell her what i wanted to do in sex because she said she deserved to know, because i’m old enough to identify myself (as transgender) so i’m old enough to know what i want. she used some pretty revolting language even though all of it was medical (like vagina, anus, ect.) and it was incredibly clear that i was uncomfortable but she continued

* whenever i tell her about my issues with body image, she says she would kill to have my figure and talks about it in a sexual way (like saying i got the big boob gene from her)

* she told my medical issues (like the utis) to her friend which was humiliating and also when i was little she posted about them on facebook

* when i was a young teen i made an instagram account without her knowledge and i posted like, a photo of a rock, and then when she found out because my sister snitched, she talked to me for 1-2 hours about child sex rings

* this is probably normal but she doesn’t care to cover herself up before i enter her room. like i’ll knock and say can i come in and she says yes, and then i come in and she isn’t dressed at all (not even underwear)

* one time when i was around 3-4 i woke up and there was white stuff in my underwear, and i remember like taking a medicine the night before? i had no idea what it was at the time but looking back i see what it could have been

* one time she saw my amazon wishlist and then started comparing the clothes on it to sadomasochism and made me take them off

* she forces me to hug her sometimes and its really clear that the hug isn’t actually about hugging it’s about our bodies being pressed together

* when me and my sister were little she filmed (i think it was her) a video of is saying the phrase “i’m sexy and i know it”

* when i was like 7 i kept getting really weird sex dreams that were way to graphic for the knowledge i had at the time, also at that age i used to wet the bed a lot

now i’m hypersexual and i have a lot of other symptoms of csa but it still doesn’t feel like i was actually sa’ed and i think if i told anyone they would just disregard it. thank you for your time reading this and have a good day

#everything you've described is incredibly inappropriate of her #and yes i believe some of the incidents would be considered csa

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