#and that i simply didn't socialize enough in my adolescence to develop a normal personality suited for strong personal connections
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realistically i'm probably only happy with 30% of the dribble that comes out of my mouth.
#these past couple days i've been meditating a lot on the role of embarrassment in my life#and it is outsized to say the least#to say the most i spent all of yesterday in bed practically comatose enumerating all of the little faux pas i had committed the day before#and basically came to the conclusion that any of the self-confidence i had gained in the past year was just delusion#and that i simply didn't socialize enough in my adolescence to develop a normal personality suited for strong personal connections#plus i told myself that i'd take a break from my thesis between christmas and new years#but now that it's january i can't bring myself to write anything that could potentially be published#it's a lose lose situation#because if i try to get my research published and it's rejected by all the journals then i'll just use that as insecurity fodder#but if god willing i do get it published then i have to contend with the fact that my words and my ideas are just out there written in ston#for anyone to read#with my full name attached#it's bad enough that i have a few cringey fics on ao3 under a pseudonym#but to write something that will at the very least live on in my school's library under my name in perpetuity is a nightmare#anyways my therapist is back from his vacation this week so i'll be fine in a few days#i know all of these negative thoughts are bullshit and i just have to let them pass#the new year just hit me like a mack truck#personal
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