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tswiftdaily · 5 years

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TAYLOR SWIFT: 30 THINGS I LEARNED BEFORE TURNING 30

According to my birth certificate, I turn 30 this year. It's weird because part of me still feels 18 and part of me feels 283, but the actual age I currently am is 29. I've heard people say that your thirties are "the most fun!" So I'll definitely keep you posted on my findings on that when I know. But until then, I thought I'd share some lessons I've learned before reaching 30, because it's 2019 and sharing is caring.

ONE: I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me I look . I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.

TWO: Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble. While it may be born from having been raised to be a polite young lady, this can contribute to some of your life’s worst regrets if someone takes advantage of this trait in you. Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake—only bite if someone steps on you.

THREE: Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. It’s especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching. That’s GOOD. We’ll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. That’s not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. Then you’ll probably forget what you learned and do it again.... But it’s fine; do you, you’re searching.

FOUR: I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day.

FIVE: Banish the drama. You only have so much room in your life and so much energy to give to those in it. Be discerning. If someone in your life is hurting you, draining you, or causing you pain in a way that feels unresolvable, blocking their number isn’t cruel. It’s just a simple setting on your phone that will eliminate drama if you so choose to use it.

SIX: I’ve learned that society is constantly sending very loud messages to women that exhibiting the physical signs of aging is the worst thing that can happen to us. These messages tell women that we aren’t allowed to age. It’s an impossible standard to meet, and I’ve been loving how outspoken Jameela Jamil has been on this subject. Reading her words feels like hearing a voice of reason amongst all these loud messages out there telling women we’re supposed to defy gravity, time, and everything natural in order to achieve this bizarre goal of everlasting youth that isn’t even remotely required of men.

SEVEN: My biggest fear. After the Manchester Arena bombing and the Vegas concert shooting, I was completely terrified to go on tour this time because I didn’t know how we were going to keep 3 million fans safe over seven months. There was a tremendous amount of planning, expense, and effort put into keeping my fans safe. My fear of violence has continued into my personal life. I carry QuikClot army grade bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds. Websites and tabloids have taken it upon themselves to post every home address I’ve ever had online. You get enough stalkers trying to break into your house and you kind of start prepping for bad things. Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

EIGHT: I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right for me, or what they thought was “couples goals” based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.

NINE: I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.

TEN: I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life: Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what I’m pretty sure the internet would call a “weird flex.”)

ELEVEN: Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.

TWELVE: Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, it’s so easy to just apologize and move on. Try not to say “I’m sorry, but...” and make excuses for yourself. Learn how to make a sincere apology, and you can avoid breaking down the trust in your friendships and relationships.

THIRTEEN: It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim. Coming forward is an agonizing thing to go through. I know because my sexual assault trial was a demoralizing, awful experience. I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.” It’s something no one would choose for themselves. We speak up because we have to, and out of fear that it could happen to someone else if we don’t.

FOURTEEN: When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. Sometimes just saying you’re so sorry is all someone wants to hear. It’s okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you don’t have all the answers. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when they’re at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation, it’s nice for them to know that you would if you could.

FIFTEEN: Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.

SIXTEEN: Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know...get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time. Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after they’ve seen you broken? Or after they’ve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if they’re people? These are things a first impression could never convey.

SEVENTEEN: After my teen years and early twenties of sleeping in my makeup and occasionally using a Sharpie as eyeliner (DO NOT DO IT), I felt like I needed to start being nicer to my skin. I now moisturize my face every night and put on body lotion after I shower, not just in the winter, but all year round, because, why can’t I be soft during all the seasons?!

EIGHTEEN: Realizing childhood scars and working on rectifying them. For example, never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself surrounded by girls who wanted to be my friend. So I shouted it from the rooftops, posted pictures, and celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone. It’s important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living embodiment of them.

NINETEEN: Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.

TWENTY: Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.

TWENTY-ONE: Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.

TWENTY-TWO: How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are you’re not trying to hurt the person you love and they aren’t trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, there’s a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who “won” the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say “Hey, same team.” Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.

TWENTY-THREE: I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who don’t care if I’m #canceled. They were there in the worst times and they’re here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through. The most emotional part of the Reputation Stadium Tour for me was knowing I was looking out at the faces of the people who helped me get back up. I’ll never forget the ones who stuck around.

TWENTY-FOUR: I’ve had to learn how to handle serious illness in my family. Both of my parents have had cancer, and my mom is now fighting her battle with it again. It’s taught me that there are real problems and then there’s everything else. My mom’s cancer is a real problem. I used to be so anxious about daily ups and downs. I give all of my worry, stress, and prayers to real problems now.

TWENTY-FIVE: I remember people asking me, “What are you gonna write about if you ever get happy?” There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

TWENTY-SIX: I make countdowns for things I’m excited about. When I’ve gone through dark, low times, I’ve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope in getting a countdown app (they’re free) and adding things I’m looking forward to. Even if they’re not big holidays or anything, it’s good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and it’s good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.

TWENTY-SEVEN: I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, I’ve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. It’s the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a troll’s hateful Instagram comment with “lol.” It would be nice if we could get an apology from people who bully us, but maybe all I’ll ever get is the satisfaction of knowing I could survive it, and thrive in spite of it.

TWENTY-EIGHT: I’m finding my voice in terms of politics. I took a lot of time educating myself on the political system and the branches of government that are signing off on bills that affect our day-to-day life. I saw so many issues that put our most vulnerable citizens at risk, and felt like I had to speak up to try and help make a change. Only as someone approaching 30 did I feel informed enough to speak about it to my 114 million followers. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. I’m going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.

TWENTY-NINE: I learned that your hair can completely change texture. From birth, I had the curliest hair and now it is STRAIGHT. It’s the straight hair I wished for every day in junior high. But just as I was coming to terms with loving my curls, they’ve left me. Please pray for their safe return.

THIRTY: My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’d lock myself in my room and couldn’t forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel I’ve made a mistake, whether it’s self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go.

ELLE

#taylor swift #elle #article

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kaleid-tay-scope · 5 years

Text

Taylor Swift - Elle

30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30

By Taylor Swift Mar 6, 2019

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me I look . I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.

Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble. While it may be born from having been raised to be a polite young lady, this can contribute to some of your life’s worst regrets if someone takes advantage of this trait in you. Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake—only bite if someone steps on you.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. It’s especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching. That’s GOOD. We’ll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. That’s not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. Then you’ll probably forget what you learned and do it again.... But it’s fine; do you, you’re searching.

I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day.

Banish the drama. You only have so much room in your life and so much energy to give to those in it. Be discerning. If someone in your life is hurting you, draining you, or causing you pain in a way that feels unresolvable, blocking their number isn’t cruel. It’s just a simple setting on your phone that will eliminate drama if you so choose to use it.

I’ve learned that society is constantly sending very loud messages to women that exhibiting the physical signs of aging is the worst thing that can happen to us. These messages tell women that we aren’t allowed to age. It’s an impossible standard to meet, and I’ve been loving how outspoken Jameela Jamil has been on this subject. Reading her words feels like hearing a voice of reason amongst all these loud messages out there telling women we’re supposed to defy gravity, time, and everything natural in order to achieve this bizarre goal of everlasting youth that isn’t even remotely required of men.

Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

My biggest fear. After the Manchester Arena bombing and the Vegas concert shooting, I was completely terrified to go on tour this time because I didn’t know how we were going to keep 3 million fans safe over seven months. There was a tremendous amount of planning, expense, and effort put into keeping my fans safe. My fear of violence has continued into my personal life. I carry QuikClot army grade bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds. Websites and tabloids have taken it upon themselves to post every home address I’ve ever had online. You get enough stalkers trying to break into your house and you kind of start prepping for bad things. Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right for me, or what they thought was “couples goals” based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.

I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.

I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life:Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what I’m pretty sure the internet would call a “weird flex.”)

I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.”

Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.

Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, it’s so easy to just apologize and move on. Try not to say “I’m sorry, but...” and make excuses for yourself. Learn how to make a sincere apology, and you can avoid breaking down the trust in your friendships and relationships.

It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim. Coming forward is an agonizing thing to go through. I know because my sexual assault trial was a demoralizing, awful experience. I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.” It’s something no one would choose for themselves. We speak up because we have to, and out of fear that it could happen to someone else if we don’t.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco.

When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say.Sometimes just saying you’re so sorry is all someone wants to hear. It’s okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you don’t have all the answers. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when they’re at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation, it’s nice for them to know that you would if you could.

Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.

Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know...get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time. Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after they’ve seen you broken? Or after they’ve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if they’re people? These are things a first impression could never convey.

After my teen years and early twenties of sleeping in my makeup and occasionally using a Sharpie as eyeliner (DO NOT DO IT), I felt like I needed to start being nicer to my skin. I now moisturize my face every night and put on body lotion after I shower, not just in the winter, but all year round, because, why can’t I be soft during all the seasons?!

Realizing childhood scars and working on rectifying them. For example, never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself surrounded by girls who wanted to be my friend. So I shouted it from the rooftops, posted pictures, and celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone. It’s important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living embodiment of them.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.

Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.

Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.

How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are you’re not trying to hurt the person you love and they aren’t trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, there’s a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who “won” the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say “Hey, same team.” Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.

There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who don’t care if I’m #canceled. They were there in the worst times and they’re here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through. The most emotional part of the Reputation Stadium Tour for me was knowing I was looking out at the faces of the people who helped me get back up. I’ll never forget the ones who stuck around.

I’ve had to learn how to handle serious illness in my family. Both of my parents have had cancer, and my mom is now fighting her battle with it again. It’s taught me that there are real problems and then there’s everything else. My mom’s cancer is a real problem. I used to be so anxious about daily ups and downs. I give all of my worry, stress, and prayers to real problems now.

I remember people asking me, “What are you gonna write about if you ever get happy?” There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

I make countdowns for things I’m excited about. When I’ve gone through dark, low times, I’ve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope in getting a countdown app (they’re free) and adding things I’m looking forward to. Even if they’re not big holidays or anything, it’s good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and it’s good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, I’ve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. It’s the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a troll’s hateful Instagram comment with “lol.” It would be nice if we could get an apology from people who bully us, but maybe all I’ll ever get is the satisfaction of knowing I could survive it, and thrive in spite of it.

I’m finding my voice in terms of politics. I took a lot of time educating myself on the political system and the branches of government that are signing off on bills that affect our day-to-day life. I saw so many issues that put our most vulnerable citizens at risk, and felt like I had to speak up to try and help make a change. Only as someone approaching 30 did I feel informed enough to speak about it to my 114 million followers. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. I’m going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.

I learned that your hair can completely change texture. From birth, I had the curliest hair and now it is STRAIGHT. It’s the straight hair I wished for every day in junior high. But just as I was coming to terms with loving my curls, they’ve left me. Please pray for their safe return.

My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’d lock myself in my room and couldn’t forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel I’ve made a mistake, whether it’s self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go.

Hair by Serge Normant for Serge Normant Hair Care; makeup by Francelle for Lovecraft Beauty; manicure by Denise Bourne for Deborah Lippmann; produced by Kristen Terry at Rosco Production.

#taylor swift elle #Taylor Swift

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makistar2018 · 5 years

Link

30 THINGS I LEARNED BEFORE TURNING 30

BY TAYLOR SWIFT MAR 6, 2019

Lesson ONE

I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me that I look 🔥🔥🔥. I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.

Lesson TWO

PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN HASSETT; STYLED BY PAUL CAVACO

Lesson THREE

Lesson FOUR

Lesson FIVE

Lesson SIX

EVERY DAY I TRY TO REMIND MYSELF OF THE GOOD IN THE WORLD, THE LOVE I’VE WITNESSED AND THE FAITH I HAVE IN HUMANITY. WE HAVE TO LIVE BRAVELY IN ORDER TO TRULY FEEL ALIVE, AND THAT MEANS NOT BEING RULED BY OUR GREATEST FEARS.

Lesson SEVEN

Lesson EIGHT

Lesson NINE

I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.

Lesson TEN

I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life: Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what I’m pretty sure the internet would call a “weird flex.”)

I BELIEVE VICTIMS BECAUSE I KNOW FIRSTHAND ABOUT THE SHAME AND STIGMA THAT COMES WITH RAISING YOUR HAND AND SAYING “THIS HAPPENED TO ME.”

Lesson ELEVEN

Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.

Lesson TWELVE

Lesson THIRTEEN

PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN HASSETT; STYLED BY PAUL CAVACO

Lesson FOURTEEN

When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. Sometimes just saying you’re so sorry is all someone wants to hear. It’s okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you don’t have all the answers. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when they’re at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation, it’s nice for them to know that you would if you could.

Lesson FIFTEEN

Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.

Lesson SIXTEEN

Lesson SEVENTEEN

Lesson EIGHTEEN

PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN HASSETT; STYLED BY PAUL CAVACO

Lesson NINETEEN

Lesson TWENTY

Lesson TWENTY-ONE

Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.

Lesson TWENTY-TWO

THERE’S A COMMON MISCONCEPTION THAT ARTISTS HAVE TO BE MISERABLE IN ORDER TO MAKE GOOD ART, THAT ART AND SUFFERING GO HAND IN HAND. I’M REALLY GRATEFUL TO HAVE LEARNED THIS ISN’T TRUE. FINDING HAPPINESS AND INSPIRATION AT THE SAME TIME HAS BEEN REALLY COOL.

Lesson TWENTY-THREE

Lesson TWENTY-FOUR

Lesson TWENTY-FIVE

Lesson TWENTY-SIX

PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN HASSETT; STYLED BY PAUL CAVACO

Lesson TWENTY-SEVEN

Lesson TWENTY-EIGHT

Lesson TWENTY-NINE

Lesson THIRTY

ELLE

#taylor swift #elle uk #april #2019 #2019.03.06

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justalittlebluetiefling · 7 years

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Chapter 52: Sometimes I Can’t See Myself

Rating: T Fandom: The 100 Pairing: Bellamy x Clarke Chapter: 52/68 Word Count: 4453 Words

Chapter Summary: The one where movie night is back and Raven has a big announcement.

Also on AO3; Start from the beginning on AO3

Bellamy’s apartment was the loudest it had been all year. They had stopped throwing parties where there might be underage drinking, mostly out of pity for Miller. He wanted to be a cop, uphold the law and all that, so everyone understood. The fact that he could handle Clarke and the others drinking when they came over was enough.

It was pure chaos in the living room. Raven was in town for the weekend and had to meet Gina, so it was as good a reason as any to resurrect movie night. The decision was met with way too much excitement from almost everyone. He was a little ashamed he’d let it go so long without getting everyone together. Really, seeing the way Clarke couldn’t stop grinning made everything worth it.

He watched everyone try to talk over each other from the kitchen for a few minutes, but knew he had to interrupt eventually. “Hey! Are you all going to sit around making googly eyes at each other or will someone help me in here?”

Clarke and Gina both yelled, “I got it!” They looked at each other and collapsed in giggles. Almost to Bellamy’s dismay, Clarke was the one who bounded over the back of the couch and brushed past him. She grabbed his elbow and pulled him through the kitchen door.

Her phone buzzed while she finished prepping the popcorn and her smile faded when she unlocked it. He cut up the pizza and waited to see if she would say something, but she set it face down on the counter and went back to her work. Once he rinsed off the pizza cutter and set it in the dishwasher, he decided to see if he could get anything out of her. “Everything okay over there?”

“It’s fine.” She smiled and there was no reason it should make his heart twist, but it did. “I just can’t believe we’ve gone this entire school year without a movie night with all of us.”

It was obvious that she was hiding something, but he decided to let her for the time being. She was right. He had missed having everyone around. “It has been a weird year.”

“We’ll make sure it doesn’t take so long before the next movie night, right?”

Bellamy couldn’t help but grin. “Your wish is my command, Princess.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and emptied the last bag of popcorn into the second bowl. “You sure you can get the pizza and our drinks?”

He raised his eyebrows at her, grabbed his beer and her coke by the neck in one hand, and slid his hand under the pizza tray. He thought about lifting the pizza up with a flourish, but didn’t trust himself enough. The crowd would riot if he dropped the pizza. Clarke raised an eyebrow at him while she attempted to hide a smile, almost as if she could read his mind.

“Show-off,” she muttered under her breath. She grabbed both bowls of popcorn and led the way into the living room where they were greeted by chaos.

“You can’t sit there,” Jasper said, exasperated. “You know the rules.”

Wells was sitting in Bellamy’s usual spot on the couch. He shrugged and slid onto the floor right into Clarke’s spot. Gina giggled into her hand and bumped him with her foot.

“Are you trying to disrupt the hierarchy around here?! You’ve been to movie nights before!” Jasper’s voice rose a little, but he tried not to yell. Miller and Octavia were not as successful as Gina at hiding their laughter. Wells rolled his eyes and scooted toward the chair Raven was sitting in.

“I was trying to avoid this one kicking me through the whole movie.”

“I don’t kick! I get a little jumpy sometimes. It’s not my fault.”

Wells glared at Raven. “I don’t buy it.”

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever. I don’t get what the big deal is. You’re setting up a seating chart for movie night?”

“Well—” Jasper started, but Miller jumped in.

“Bellamy and Clarke always sit there.”

“Always do,” Monty added with a grin.

Raven sighed. “Bellamy and Clarke have assigned seats?”

“It’s very—” Jasper started again, but Harper interrupted him.

“Very important,” she said in a deep voice before bursting into laughter.

“It’s important to the hierarchy of the group,” Octavia added.

“It disrupts the energy flow of the popcorn or something if they don’t sit there,” Wells said, mildly amused. “I should have known better than to test boundaries.”

Clarke elbowed Bellamy. “That’s my cue.” She cleared her throat and walked to her spot, holding up the bowl in her right hand. “No butter, light salt.” She set it down near Octavia, Harper, and Gina who jumped to get to it first. “Extra butter, normal spot.” That bowl went near her spot.

Bellamy set the pizza down between the bowls on the coffee table. Harper jumped up to grab paper towels with a glare at Bellamy as he and Clarke settled into their spots. Everyone else slammed down into their seats so fast that there were a few muffled ouches under the laughter.

“It’s in the rules,” Jasper announced smugly as she yanked the movie out of his hand. “Last one up puts it in.”

Clarke leaned back and whispered, “Worst sex game ever.” Bellamy and Gina snorted.

“Does Jasper have a copy of the rule book?” Raven whispered loudly to Wells. “I’m feeling a need to study so I don’t fuck up.”

Harper frowned and turned to Bellamy and Clarke. They spoke in unison. “He’s right, Harper.”

“Sorry,” Clarke added.

A calmness settled over Bellamy as Harper started up the movie. It really had been too long since everyone was together. He felt better than he had in months until Clarke finished her slice of pizza, grabbed the bowl of popcorn and then froze. She sat there for a moment, shoulders stiff, before she scooted to the left and leaned against the arm of the couch.

It wasn’t like he never realized that his relationship with Clarke had changed. Their relationship had been changing for the entire year, but not quite in the way he had hoped or expected. She met Lexa, he met Gina, and now she was single again. Their friendship had almost gone back to normal, but something still felt off.

Six months ago, she most likely would have sat back against the couch in between his legs. He would have leaned over to grab popcorn out of the bowl and she would have yelled at him to stop squishing her. No one would have thought it was strange when she inevitably rested her head against his knee. They did both burst into laughter when the male lead showed up drunk on the female lead’s doorstep and she grinned at him when he bumped her shoulder with his knee. They still had inside jokes, at least.

But things were different and it made Bellamy incredibly uncomfortable.

In between movies, he jumped at the opportunity to help Monty and Jasper refill popcorn and drinks. He might have been a little too enthusiastic about it, but it kind of felt like he was overheating and he needed to clear his head. The wonder twins talked about Jasper’s not-so-new anymore girlfriend and Bellamy only half-listened, distracted by the mixture of guilt and discomfort settling in his stomach.

The three of them were gathering things up when Bellamy heard a buzz. Clarke’s phone was still face down on the counter. Before he could stop himself, he picked it up. The phone buzzed again in his hand and the screen temporarily flashed to life to show she had missed three texts from her mom.

Monty peeked over his arm at the screen. “You should do her a favor and delete those before you give her the phone back or she’ll be bitchy for the rest of the night.”

“Huh?” What did I miss?” Bellamy wasn’t Abby’s biggest fan, but she had tried to help out with his mom in the hospital. He thought that Clarke and Abby had settled whatever had been going on between them.

Jasper winced and Monty shot him an apologetic half-smile. “I didn’t realize that you didn’t know. They haven’t been speaking for a few weeks. Ever since Abby found out that Clarke is taking the MCATs, it’s—”

“Whoa.” Bellamy held up a hand and Monty stopped. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. When is she taking the MCATs?”

Monty frowned and adjusted the items he was carrying. Jasper nudged Monty with his elbow and they started toward the living room.

“Dude, how long has it been since you guys have had an actual conversation?” Jasper asked.

Bellamy glared at their backs as they left the room, but he wasn’t mad at them. The more he thought about it, he was mad at Clarke. “Princess!” His shout was louder than he expected. “I need to talk to you!”

The other room went completely silent and Clarke bounded in, smiling. “What’s up?”

He held up her phone. “Why should I be deleting texts from your mom?”

Clarke glanced back at the other room, confused for a moment. When she turned to face him again, she crossed her arms and frowned at him. “Why is it your business if I’m avoiding her?”

“You’ve lost a parent. You know what it feels like. And now you’re shunning the only one you’ve got left because she found out you took the MCATs?”

She somehow managed to scoff and wince at the same time. “You have no idea what it’s like with her Bellamy.”

“No. I get that she loves you and she can occasionally try to be a little controlling when she’s trying to show it, but she just wants what’s best for you.”

“Yeah. She loves me….” She trailed off and ran her hands over her face. “God, you just don’t get it! Aurora was good. She tried to provide for you and supported your dreams. My mom… she’s not like that. She only thinks about what makes her look good, not what’s good for anyone else. And that’s a daughter in medical school. And she let me blame Wells—”

Clarke cut herself off with a sharp intake of breath. Bellamy just started at her, unable to process anything she was saying. “She loves you and she’s here. What the fuck is wrong with you, Clarke?”

Tears threatened to spill over when she yanked her phone out of his hands and left the room. Bellamy was about to follow, but Wells pushed him back into the kitchen. He could see the girls follow Clarke out of the apartment down the hall.

“Let me go, Wells. She’s being—”

“Don’t you think I know?” His voice was barely above a whisper. They glared at each other in silence for a moment until Bellamy stopped pushing. Wells dropped his hands. “I know better than anyone. Clarke Griffin holds a grudge like nobody’s business. After things with your mom, she tried to forgive her mom for the blame situation, but when Abby found out about the MCATs, things got out of hand. It’s just—”

“But—”

“Dude, I get it.” Wells leaned back against the counter, watching Bellamy carefully. “I lost my mom, too, remember? But… Clarke needs to hold onto this grudge a little while longer. She’ll move on. I know she will.”

“But why? I don’t understand what her mom would have blamed you for.”

Wells sighed. “It’s not my story to tell. Can’t we just—”

Bellamy didn’t find out what Wells was going to ask, because his sister burst into the room. “I hope you’re happy, Bell.”

Harper, Raven, and Gina all piled in behind her, varying levels of disappointment on their faces.

“She’s out there—” Harper stopped short when Raven put a hand on her shoulder and took over.

“She’s going home. And you….” Raven trailed off and glanced at Octavia.

Gina stepped up instead. “You really overstepped this time.”

Octavia scoffed and muttered something about an understatement as she stormed out of the room.

Unfortunately, the argument had completely derailed movie night. Octavia left without staying goodbye. Monty, Jasper, and Wells weren’t far behind her. Wells practically rushed out to avoid another conversation with Bellamy. Raven stayed behind to talk to Harper and Miller about law school and the police academy. Gina was hovering on the edge of the conversation, watching him carefully. No one was making much of an effort to include him in the conversation, so he took his drink into his room.

When Raven came in to say goodbye, he was leaning back on his pillows, trying and failing to read the book Clarke lent him about seventeenth century art around the word. She didn’t say anything until she sat next to him on the bed.

“You doing okay?” she asked after she settled in.

“Fantastic.” Bellamy set the book down. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Raven narrowed her eyes. “I know this has been a rough year.”

Bellamy closed his eyes. “Yeah, but I’m handling everything.”

“Are you?” Raven elbowed him until he opened his eyes and looked at her. “Listen, you trust Clarke, right?”

“More than anyone.” He cleared his throat when she raised an eyebrow at him.

“More than anyone?”

His face felt hot, but he forced himself to keep eye contact. “She’s my best friend.”

Raven stared at him for another moment and finally rolled her eyes. “Then maybe hear her out.”

“How am I supposed to do that when she won’t even talk to me?”

Gina poked her head in through the door and winced when she saw Raven. “Sorry! I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss you before you left.”

“No worries!” Raven grinned and patted Bellamy on the arm before she stood. “I think you need to try again with less confrontation. I’m sure Clarke has her reasons for not talking to you about this. I mean, you know everyone assumes if she tells them something, you’ve known for weeks, right? She’ll come around.”

Bellamy frowned. He didn’t know what to say. Raven stopped to give Gina a hug and turned back before she left.

“You can’t avoid brunch tomorrow. I have a big announcement for everyone and your presence is required. So suck it up, Blake.”

When the door closed, Gina smiled softly at Bellamy. She cuddled into his side and he kissed the top of her head. “I was worried you were mad at me, too,” he mumbled into her hair.

She squeezed him around the waist. “Eh, I think you overreacted, but it came from a place of love.”

“I’m not wrong, though.”

He glanced down to see Gina roll her eyes. “You know Clarke isn’t wrong, either. You didn’t even give her a chance to explain.”

“Did you know this was happening?”

She sighed heavily. “Not everything. It wasn’t my place to say. She was worried about hurting you.”

Bellamy bit down a response. He didn’t want to argue. He’d give Clarke the chance to explain, but he needed them to get back to where they used to be. It felt like he didn’t know her better than everyone else anymore. There were a lot of feelings he was uncomfortable with, but that one was the worst.

The next morning, Harper, Miller, and Gina left for brunch while Bellamy was still in the shower. It was ridiculous. They still had an hour before they had to be at the restaurant and they left without giving him a chance to get ready. While he wasn’t eager to see Clarke again so soon after their fight, he had promised himself he wouldn’t start another argument. At least not until after Raven left.

When he was ready to go, he patted his pockets to confirm he had his keys and phone. A timid knock startled him just as he set his hand on the door. He was even more surprised when he opened the door to find Clarke holding two cups of coffee.

“What are you doing here?”

“Wow, déjà vu much?” She rolled her eyes and pushed one of the cups into his hands. “I come in peace. Take me to your leader.”

“You’re such a dork.”

She laughed sadly. “Seriously, Bellamy, I’m trying to apologize to you.”

That shocked him almost more than seeing her on his doorstep, but he thought he held it together pretty well. “Is this a couch apology or a doorway apology?”

“Doorway’s fine.” She shook her head with a small smile and then took a deep breath before she spoke. “Listen. I do owe you an apology. We haven’t exactly been connected as a group this year, so I shouldn’t have expected you to know what’s going on with my mom. The only time everyone was together was Christmas, and I guess that’s what matters, but….” She paused and studied him for a moment. He thought about saying something, but if he interrupted at the wrong time, it could cause things to escalate unnecessarily. She smirked at him, because she definitely could read his mind, but continued. “I didn’t want to talk to you about it, but I should have known that was stupid.”

Bellamy frowned. It had been a long time since they didn’t talk about everything. “Why didn’t you want to talk to me about it?”

Clarke looked down at her feet. “Your mom. I didn’t want….” When she met his eyes again, they were watery. “I didn’t want you to be sad. I thought if I brought up the problems with my mother….”

“Was I really so wrapped up in my own shit that you thought you couldn’t talk to me?”

She shrugged. “To be fair, you ignored me for most of last quarter.”

“To be fair, your girlfriend at the time refused to hang out with your friends, so you were never around.”

“Do we really need to bring her up now?”

Bellamy sighed and rolled his eyes, but she was right and he was being an ass, so he moved on. “Fine. I owe you an apology, too. I was kind of ignoring you, because an unnamed person didn’t like me. Also, I knew you would make me face my grief like a grownup. The only times I got to see you, I had to act like an adult and it was annoying.”

“I made you face your grief with macaroni and cheese. That’s hardly facing it like a grown up.”

“I don’t know. There was some level of nakedness involved. It sounds pretty grown up to me.”

Clarke pushed his elbow, but she smiled. “We sat on my couch, fully clothed, ate two boxes of macaroni and cheese, and watched reruns of I Dream of Jeanie and I Love Lucy while contemplating whether or not your big, fat fingers could make a sewing machine work.”

He grinned, but it faltered almost immediately. “Clarke, something happened with your mom, and that sucks, but it’s not what hurt the most. You’re taking the MCATs and you didn’t even tell me you were thinking about it.”

“To be fair, I didn’t tell anyone on purpose. Monty and Jasper found out, because one of my study guides fell out of my bag while we were getting lunch. Wells found one of them under my couch.”

“Should we actually start going in a ‘to be fair’ circle again? When’s your test?”

Clarke blushed, but smiled again. “I actually already took them. Everyone who ‘knows’ about it thinks I’m still just studying for them.”

Bellamy let his jaw drop. “Secret keeper! When do you hear back?”

“Um….” Clarke pulled an unopened envelope out of the back of her pocket. “I got this yesterday. I’m big enough to admit that it’s probably one of the reasons I snapped at you.”

“Well, fucking open it, Princess!”

Her face was almost entirely red. “I think this might be a couch thing.”

He ushered her inside and to the couch and then stared at her. The envelope shook in her hands and she jumped up and sat back down a few times before she shoved the envelop in her purse. “This isn’t what I came here to talk about.”

“Well, it’s what I want to talk about right now, okay?” She chewed her lip and pulled the envelope back out. Bellamy scooted closer to her so he could set a hand on her knee. “Clarke. No matter what is in that envelope, it’s going to be okay.”

She scrunched up her nose at him and finally ripped open the end. The paper shook so hard he thought she might accidentally tear it in half as she pulled it out and slowly opened it. As she read her scores, her eyes got wider and wider until Bellamy was a little worried they would fall out of her head. He couldn’t take the suspense when her hands dropped to her lap, so he propped his chin on her shoulder to read the scores.

Physical Sciences: 14/15 Verbal Reasoning: 15/15 Biological Sciences: 13/15

Total Score: 42/45

Percentile: 99

Bellamy’s jaw would have dropped if it weren’t for Clarke’s shoulder. Of course she was in the ninety-ninth percentile. She was smart as well. He dropped down to the floor to kneel in front of her. She looked utterly overwhelmed.

“Clarke,” he whispered and she finally looked at him. “You did fucking amazing.”

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Whatever the hell you want! You’re Clarke fucking Griffin! You’re in the ninety-ninth fucking percentile. You’re amazing!”

The panic in her eyes started to subside. A little. It was just enough to allow a small smile to escape. “I got a forty-two out of forty-five, Bellamy.”

“You got a forty-two out of forty-five, Princess.”

She stared at him for a minute before she flung her arms around his shoulders. He caught her easily and barely reminded himself not to bury his face in her hair in time. But she kept hugging him, squeezing him tighter than he was used to. He had to break the hug after a few moments, because he would have caved and there’s no way he could get away with the ‘your shampoo smells good’ excuse.

Raven and O had dropped her off, so she needed a ride to the restaurant. As they walked down the stairs, the grin on Clarke’s face got wider and wider.

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

“I repeat. Whatever the hell you want. Go to med school. Get your master’s in painting.” He gave her a quick one-armed hug before he unlocked the car door for her. “You can literally do anything.”

“Except talk to my mom.”

He hesitated. “If you don’t want to talk about it….”

“I know I dropped a big bomb on you yesterday. I thought I was over the whole thing, but I don’t know if I’ll ever fully be able to forgive her for letting me blame Wells for my dad’s death for almost three years. It’s just hard to talk about. I know it’s not….”

She trailed off and he shrugged. “You’re going to have to make peace with her eventually.”

He could see her jaw set and the conscious effort it took for her to relax. “I know you’re right. I kind of hate you for it.”

“Whatever, Princess. You wanted to share your test results with me before anyone else. I know you love me.”

She rolled her eyes. “Get in the car, Bellamy. We’re really late.”

He stuck his tongue out at her, but was grinning by the time he buckled in.

Octavia grinned from the booth as Clarke and Bellamy approached. Jasper yelled, “They made up!” and everyone around the table cheered. Except Miller. He just shook his head with a small smile. Clarke felt her cheeks heating up. It had been a while since she and Bellamy had been in an argument, but she didn’t know why everyone was making such a big deal of it.

Raven scooted in closer to Gina to make room on the end. “Now that everyone’s here, can we all just focus on me for a second?” She grinned. “I have a very important announcement.

Bellamy nudged Clarke with his elbow and shrugged at her. She shook her head. Raven hadn’t said anything to her, but she had been bubbling over with excitement her entire visit. There was a good thirty seconds of silence before Bellamy reached around Clarke to pull on Raven’s ponytail. “Come on, drama queen. Just tell us already.”

“Rude.” She glared at Bellamy, but cleared her throat dramatically. “As you all know, I’m graduating in two weeks. And….”

She trailed off again, looking at everyone expectantly. Octavia finally threw her napkin at Raven. “Come on! Just tell us!”

“I got a job here with a pretty decent signing bonus and I can basically move the day after graduation. Does anyone need a roommate?!”

Jasper cheered, but it was barely heard over Octavia’s shriek of excitement. Clarke pulled Raven in for a tight hug. “You know we’ll find a three bedroom. You’re living with me and O.”

“I know,” she mumbled into Clarke’s shoulder. “I just wanted to hear you say it.”

Breakfast was loud and crazy, but the best time Clarke had all year. O forced everyone to switch seats so she and Clarke could talk to Raven about where they might live. Raven spilled as many details as she could about her new job (entry level Materials, Processes, and Physics Engineer; she officially started in July, but they’d give her a week off for the beach trip in August, PLUS they were helping her pay for her Master’s degree). Clarke thought about telling everyone about her MCAT scores, but didn’t want to steal Raven’s thunder. They’d be just as happy for her in a couple weeks.

Everything ended too quickly, but it was okay, because in a few weeks, Raven would be crashing on their couch while they looked for a new place to rent. Clarke and Bellamy promised to stop keeping secrets from each other. It felt like everything was actually getting back on track. They fell back into old rhythms quickly and it felt really good until she saw Gina staring at them with a sad smile.

She tried to catch Gina alone before everyone separated, but Raven and O were impatient to get back to the apartment so the real planning could begin. Clarke made a mental note to make a coffee date with Gina the next week, then let herself be swept up in the excitement again.

#bellarke fanfiction #bellarke #modern au #sometimes i can't see myself #my work #bellarke au #erin writes

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cristayleeswiftlpt-blog · 5 years

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30 THINGS I LEARNED BEFORE TURNING 30

1. I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my

brain to not need the validation of someone telling me I look . I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.

2. Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble. While it may be born from having been raised to be a polite young lady, this can contribute to some of your life’s worst regrets if someone takes advantage of this trait in you. Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake—only bite if someone steps on you.

3. Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. It’s especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching.

That’s GOOD. We’ll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. That’s not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. Then you’ll probably forget what you learned and do it again.... But it’s fine; do you, you’re searching.

4. I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day.

5. Banish the drama. You only have so much room in your life and so much energy to give to those in it. Be discerning. If someone in your life is hurting you, draining you, or causing you pain in a way that feels unresolvable, blocking their number isn’t cruel. It’s just a simple setting on your phone that will eliminate drama if you so choose to use it.

6. I’ve learned that society is constantly sending very loud messages to women that exhibiting the physical signs of aging is the worst thing that can happen to us. These messages tell women that we aren’t allowed to age. It’s an impossible standard to meet, and I’ve been loving how outspoken Jameela Jamil has been on this subject. Reading her words feels like hearing a voice of reason amongst all these loud messages out there telling women we’re supposed to defy gravity, time, and

everything natural in order to achieve this bizarre goal of everlasting youth that isn’t even remotely required of men.

7. My biggest fear. After the Manchester Arena bombing and the Vegas concert shooting, I was completely terrified to go on tour this time because I didn’t know how we were going to keep 3 million fans safe over seven months. There was a tremendous amount of planning, expense, and effort put into keeping my fans safe. My fear of violence has continued into my personal life. I carry QuikClot army grade

bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds. Websites and tabloids have taken it upon themselves to post every home address I’ve ever had online. You get enough stalkers trying to break into your house and you kind of start prepping for bad things. Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

8. I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right

for me, or what they thought was “couples goals” based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important

lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.

9. I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.

10. I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life: Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie

Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game

changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what I’m pretty sure the internet would call a “weird flex.”)

11. Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.

12. Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, it’s so easy to just apologize and move on. Try not to say “I’m sorry, but...” and make excuses for yourself. Learn how to make a sincere apology, and you can avoid breaking down the trust in your friendships and relationships.

13. It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim. Coming forward is an agonizing thing to go through. I know because my sexual assault trial was a demoralizing, awful experience. I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.” It’s something no one would choose for themselves. We speak up because we have to, and out of fear that it could happen to someone else if we don’t.

14. When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. Sometimes just saying you’re so sorry is all someone wants to hear. It’s okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you don’t have all the answers. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when they’re at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation, it’s nice for them to know that you would if you could.

15. Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.

16. Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know...get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time. Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after they’ve seen you broken? Or after they’ve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if they’re people? These are things a first impression could never convey.

17. After my teen years and early twenties of sleeping in my makeup and occasionally using a Sharpie as eyeliner (DO NOT DO IT), I felt like I needed to start being nicer to my skin. I now moisturize my face every night and put on body lotion after I shower, not just in the winter, but all year round, because, why can’t I be soft during all the seasons?!

18. Realizing childhood scars and working on rectifying them. For example, never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself surrounded by girls who wanted to be my friend. So I shouted it from the rooftops, posted pictures, and celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone. It’s important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living

embodiment of them.

19. Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.

20. Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like

your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.

21. Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.

22. How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are you’re not trying to hurt the person you love and they aren’t trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, there’s a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who “won” the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say “Hey, same team.” Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t

give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.

23. I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who don’t care if I’m #canceled. They were there in the worst times and they’re here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through. The most emotional part of the Reputation Stadium Tour for me was knowing I was looking out at the faces of the people who helped me get back up. I’ll never forget the ones who stuck around.

24. I’ve had to learn how to handle serious illness in my family. Both of my parents have had cancer, and my mom is now fighting her battle with it again. It’s taught me that there are real problems and then there’s everything else. My mom’s cancer is a real problem. I used to be so anxious about daily ups and downs. I give all of my worry, stress, and prayers to real problems now.

25. I remember people asking me, “What are you gonna write about if you ever get happy?” There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

26. I make countdowns for things I’m excited about. When I’ve gone through dark, low times, I’ve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope in getting a countdown app (they’re free) and adding things I’m looking forward to. Even if they’re not big holidays or anything, it’s good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and it’s good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.

27. I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, I’ve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. It’s the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a

troll’s hateful Instagram comment with “lol.” It would be nice if we could get an apology from people who bully us, but maybe all I’ll ever get is the satisfaction of knowing I could survive it, and thrive in spite of it.

28. I’m finding my voice in terms of politics. I took a lot of time educating myself on the political system and the branches of government that are signing off on bills that

affect our day-to-day life. I saw so many issues that put our most vulnerable citizens at risk, and felt like I had to speak up to try and help make a change. Only as someone approaching 30 did I feel informed enough to speak about it to my 114 million followers. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. I’m going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.

29. I learned that your hair can completely change texture. From birth, I had the curliest

hair and now it is STRAIGHT. It’s the straight hair I wished for every day in junior high. But just as I was coming to terms with loving my curls, they’ve left me. Please pray for their safe return.

30. My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’d lock myself in my room and couldn’t forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel I’ve made a mistake, whether it’s self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go.

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