ok so very long post. (not that it matters as i talk to the void askgdjjeh)

let's be real. who's the only two people i really think about when i’m seriously thinking about death? my sisters. my mom too, but mostly my sisters. and ok yeah, maybe what my mom would be like to my sisters if she was dealing with me being gone but that’s a whole other can of worms. in the end it’s always about my sisters. and i truly genuinely believe one of them hates me deep down and doesn’t really care about me, which, fair. i guess you don’t get over the people who were shitty to you in your developing years? except i got over her being shitty right back to me but whatever. i’m the oldest. it’s never been about me. and i think they probably feel like it’s always been all about me because i was so problematic back in the day, which was mostly because of my mom and what we came to find out was literally just my genes so there’s not much else i could have done. that doesn’t make me blame myself any less tho.

it doesn’t matter now. the point is, i pissed off my sisters more than i made them like me i think, and then we started living in different countries and it’s never been the same since then. i know i’m the odd one out in the family now. my parents say they don’t talk to me because they assume i’m always busy with school, which i am, but if they actually tried to talk to me i would find the time. i have way more time now. the problem is after all this time i have absolutely no idea how to reach out to anyone. they only care about me doing well in school anyway. which i do somehow, no matter how fucked up shit gets or how much shit i’m on to get through it. that’s my one real talent. so whenever i talk to them i only tell them what they want to hear and with my dad we’re already constantly dealing with enough other shit with the government by trying to keep me in school and in the country despite this country’s best efforts to get rid of me. so how could i ever bring up my feelings on top of that?? i’m always worried about our family’s financial situation no matter what and i am tired of being a burden because i wasn’t supposed to be anymore, i only am because of the government. so despite my best efforts i keep giving my parents enough to worry about. 

and then my sisters. like i said, i’ve been the odd one out for a long time now and i have no idea how to come back from that. i know they’re literally always facetiming, which is the only way i get to talk to my little sister cause carla was here and apparently they can’t go a single day without talking to each other so while she was staying with me i got to hang out with both of them. it kept me sane for a bit there. even if i knew it wasn’t for me. 90% of the time i have no idea wtf they’re talking about and every time i ask them and they try to explain they just dismiss it and say it’s some tik tok shit or something. and yeah ok i refuse to get one cause honestly, social media is toxic af and i have enough shit to worry about already so i don’t have the mental energy for it. and honestly i don’t have the attention span for tik tok. but yeah, i know me living under a metaphoric rock doesn’t help but i’m trying to keep myself somewhat sane. but that means i have nothing to talk about with my sisters. 

when carla was here she literally barely interacted with me cause she’s on her phone all.the.fucking.time. to the point where i know it’s straight up rude but i didn’t wanna say anything cause i know she’d just say i sounded like my mom. and i know most of the time she was just texting my other sister and honestly? it hurts ok? maricel was like 11 when i last lived with her and i was 18 so we had nothing in common and now i missed all these fucking years of being around her while she grew up. and somehow she’s still nicer to me than carla. maybe cause i didn’t get the chance to be as much of a shitty sister to her back in the day due to the age difference. she definitely didn’t get the worst of my horribly mentally ill unmedicated self. look, the facts add up ok? i’m not an idiot. i can see why things happen but i have absolutely no fucking idea how to change them.

and in the end what i have is this. somehow, despite my best efforts, which were actually pretty damn good despite everything, i am here again. i mean, my first semester of grad school, all the insane shit that happened in the span of less than 3 months really, that would have broken me back in the day. 2020 may have been a horrible year for everybody but personally, 2019 was a straight-up personal attack. and i made it through. without anyone knowing about any major breakdowns (I guess except for Tom and Borna) and with semi-decent grades. everyone in the program agreed that my first semester was one for the books in the worst possible way.

but i made it to 2020. and then 2020 happened. and i learned what being stuck in a 5x5 room for almost a month does to a person, aside from everything else. and i remember telling my therapist i hoped one of the things we would all learn from the pandemic was how long-term solitary confinement has never been an okay way of punishment. cause that’s the last time i felt truly seriously suicidal and literally had to physically fight myself not to do it. and it slowly got better.

but here we are again. and it’s not the same, not at all. it’s just it’s fucking winter and every winter i struggle to make it through like clockwork. in fact, i thought this time i’d be okay cause i made it all the way to late november just fine, which is unheard of. but i did. and then it all came crashing down like a fucking landslide. and god, i tried to stay on my feet for as long as i could, i really did. but when that wave hit it hit hard. it fucking knocked me to my knees. and for as long as i could i hid behing people, i clinged to them like a fucking lifeline even if i knew they’d rather be somewhere else. i got my sister to stay with me because i knew she hated being with my dad more. it was a win-win cause i couldn’t leave her there, i know how much she hates that place cause i hate it too. she didn’t pay attention to me almost the whole time she was here and i only had so much money to take her out places, seeing as i’m not being paid for work anymore. but as long as she was here i wasn’t allowed to be an alcoholic mess or kill myself. as soon as she left i went back to that. 

And then Tom died. i don’t even know how to deal with this still. it only happened last week. but i don’t know how to tell people i need them. and i really do need them. but no one’s coming of their own volition and i never learned how to ask for help cause the couple times i did my mom told me to stop being crazy so i never asked again. and yeah. i’m 24 and i still haven’t fully managed to get past that but since then people have consistently proved to me that asking for help is a waste of time. so yeah, i have no idea how to tell anyone i’m on the verge of jumping off a metaphorical cliff. cause i hate sounding dramatic and i feel like any time i talk about my feelings at all that’s just what it’s like to everyone. dramatic. dramatic and uncomfortable. 

and because i never do it, if i do it now it’s gonna be even weirder. i mean, last week i sat on the kitchen floor and listened to justin rant about how he feels his friend doesn’t want to be friends with him anymore and that feeling sucks, i know, but when i mentioned Tom he was like “huh?? oh yeah i forgot about that” like i hadn’t told him about it the night before. he hasn’t asked me how i’m doing even once, no one has. Jo did once and then she bailed. but yeah, i feel like i try so hard to be a good and supportive friend to justin and he just doesn’t give a shit about me. and i have a feeling he, and maybe most of my friends here??, thinks i simply do not have any feelings because i don’t show them in front of people. sure, i refuse to have anyone see me cry ever, but like that’s not the only way to show emotions??? but no one seems to get that???

So sure, no one cares about your feelings when you always seem to be okay on the outside, no matter how much shit you know is happening on the inside. My point is, my sisters hate me or don’t care about me and that’s the only people i really care about hurting. So. Yeah. Fuck what my meds say, maybe it is a good call to kill myself. Only time will tell i suppose.

Undertale

- Sans, along with Alphys, became Gaster’s apprentices - Sans was 16, Gaster was 25 - And Sans developed the biggest gayest crush - Gast had been his idol for all five years that he’d been the Royal Scientist - Sans’ admiration turned into attraction the very first time they met - In his thesis papers, Gast had always sounded so formal and stuffy - In person, Sans quickly learned that he’s an adorably anxious dork - As well as tall and cute and god he has such pretty eyes - Gast never noticed the crush because firstly, Sans was underage - His feelings towards his apprentices were purely platonic, though he still loved them both very much - But he was also too busy pining over Asgore - Who turned Gaster down because he was still in love with Toriel - Who wanted nothing to do with her ex-husband ever again - So pretty much no one is happy - Sans pushed his feelings down and pretended they didn’t exist - And for a long time, he thought he’d gotten over it - But when Gaster died, he realized he’d been terribly wrong - No one remembered Gaster had ever existed - Except for Sans - Even he forgot sometimes - This is why he hid that picture of him, Alphys, and Gaster posing together in front of one of their projects - And wrote ‘DON’T FORGET’ across it - It’s the only picture of Gaster left - He’s disappeared from everything else, yet somehow this photo has remained untouched - Sans worked tirelessly to bring his mentor back: Resets, Saves, time travel, opening the Void - Nothing ever worked - It was a huge slap in the face, albeit an enormous relief, when Gast suddenly popped back into existence as Frisk broke the barrier - All those emotions Sans had been trying to repress return at full force - But now is not a good time to act on them - Gaster is severely traumatized, scared, and in great need of a friend - And Sans is there - It’s possible that something more could develop, they’re both adults now - They’ve endured countless Resets, watching helplessly as their timeline was destroyed over and over again - Gaster cried every time Sans was killed in the judgment room - It’s not exactly something they can bond over, but they do help each other heal from their respective experiences and grow closer because of it

Underfell

- Sans thinks Gaster is the biggest asshole ever to exist - And he’s not wrong! But he can’t bring himself to hate him - They have a certain amount of respect for one another - In this universe, Sans never took an interest in science - He devoted all his time to protecting Papyrus - But as they aged, it was easy to see that Papyrus didn’t need protecting anymore - While still ridiculous and overdramatic, Paps is strong enough to defend himself - Their roles switch, now Sans is the one who needs help - His HP is pathetically low, his attacks barely do any damage, and he has no idea what self care is - It’s a miracle he’s survived this long while also raising a child - He and his brother get into an argument - Sans is sick of being treated like he’s helpless - Papyrus insists he’s only trying to do what’s best, but his rebuttals are a little…loud - When he’s tired of getting screamed at, Sans storms out the door to take a walk and cool down - It’s the first time he’s been out on his own in months - Of course, he’s almost immediately attacked - Things are looking grim when Gaster happens along and blasts the fuck out of Sans’ opponent - He normally wouldn’t interfere, but Sans looks awfully young - Gast will never admit that he hates to see children in pain - Sans doesn’t even have time to say anything before his savior walks away - Deciding not to push his luck, he returns home and soon forgets about the whole interaction - They meet again a few years later, when Papyrus has made it into the Royal Guard - Sans accompanies his brother to a sparring practice, and it just so happens that the king and his Royal Scientist are taking a walk through the courtyard - It takes some time before Sans works up the courage to approach Gaster - But once he does, they form an unsteady acquaintanceship - Wouldn’t exactly call it a friendship, more like a ‘I have no urge to kill or maim you’ sort of thing - Things don’t get real until they get drunk together - Gaster would never stoop so low as to drink socially - Except this time he went to visit Grillby and got roped into it - It’s late, the bar is empty, and Sans starts to let some things slip - They’re discussing Papyrus, and a very drunk Sans tells the whole story of their childhood - Their parents had been neglectful, so Sans scooped up his baby brother and took off at the first opportunity - They’d barely managed to survive on their own - Gaster, being not so drunk, is stunned - There are obvious parallels to his own past - But he hadn’t been able to save his little brother before running away - Sans ends up blacking out with no recollection of the night, while Gaster never forgets what he was told - In some miraculous twist of fate, Gaster feels legitimate empathy for Sans and begins to care about him - But outwardly, he’s still a jerk - He just doesn’t know how to be nice lmao

Underswap

- Gaster sits on his boat, patiently waiting for a passenger - And along comes this bright blue, 4 foot blur that appears out of nowhere and hops on board - Gaster is briefly startled before realizing it's just a smol, hyper skeleton - He asks for a destination, but it turns out that Sans just wants to talk - Nobody knows much about the Ferryman - He’s mysterious, cryptic, and not all that social - So naturally, Sans is determined to befriend him - Gaster humors him - He takes Sans on rides and endures the endless chatter - They have some nice conversations, though it’s mostly Sans babbling about various things while Gaster replies with ‘hm’s and ‘interesting’s - Sans asks all sorts of questions about Gaster’s life, his job, his favorite color, whether he prefers vanilla or chocolate nice cream- but he doesn’t get many answers - It takes a while before Gaster starts using full sentences - And soon, he’s asking questions in return - He’s curious to know why Sans wants to be a guard so badly - For the first time since they’ve met, Sans doesn’t have anything to say - He goes quiet for a while - Gaster, feeling guilty for bringing him down, hastily apologizes and offers to help him train - Sans bounces right back to normal and tackle hugs him, immediately accepting - Be careful, you’ll break the old man’s back - The training turns out to be harder than Sans expected - Rather than focusing on attacks, Gaster prioritizes defensive maneuvers - Sans has trouble keeping up - Dodging Gaster’s magic is like a hellish game of dodgeball where the other team has fifty people and you’re on your own - And the dodgeballs are actually knives - Sans gradually improves - Very gradually - Gaster’s not sure if Sans could ever make it as a guard, but supports him all the same

Outertale

- Sans is a servant at the palace - He’d tried to land an internship at the laboratory, but his commoner status destroyed any chance of that happening - Seeing as no one else has the patience for it, he’s been assigned as Gaster’s personal assistant - It’s a very...demanding job - He has to sacrifice countless hours catering to Gaster’s every whim - This includes fetching his slippers, writing letters, bringing his tea, telling him if he looks good in the outfit he’s picked out (he always says yes, regardless of how tacky Gast’s entire wardrobe is) - Sans never says much unless he’s asked to speak - But Gast isn’t that shallow - He pays him well for the overtime, gives him presents on holidays, asks about his personal life - Gast loves hearing about Papyrus - He’s actually a bit jealous - Sure, he’s got money, but Gaster never knew his family - He was taken in by Asgore as a baby, shortly after his parents died - He wants what Sans has - Over time, they begin to treat each other like brothers - Gaster is older, yet Sans is the more mature one - ‘you do not need another cape.’ ‘But I only have seven!’ ‘dings. no.’ - Gast eventually gets to meet Papyrus - And is horrified by the conditions he and Sans are forced to live in - He’s never been to the poorer part of the city before - Though Sans strongly argues against it, Gast insists that they come live in the palace - There are plenty of rooms to spare - And after a brief conversation with the king, there are two new princes in the court - Asgore loves adopting children okay

Mertale

- Gaster is a bit of a recluse, even among his own people - He’s sort of like a hermit who’s harmless but rarely seen - When he does mingle with the public, it’s usually because he’s bored - His curiostiy often gets him into trouble - While wandering around in search of something to do, he sees a skeletal mermonster nearby - And so, naturally, he follows him - Sans has the distinct feeling he’s being watched, but no one is in sight - Gaster makes it into a game of sorts - He sees how close he can get without being noticed, completely unaware that this it’s creepy - He thinks it’s all good fun! - Sans is starting to think he’s gone paranoid - It becomes a daily activity - Eventually, Gaster gets bored of just watching and finally reveals himself - He walks right up to Sans and offers him a shiny rock - Sans isn’t sure whether to smile or run for his life - He tentatively accepts the gift and, with it, Gaster’s offer of friendship - Instead of meeting with him like any normal person would do, Gaster likes to visit Sans’ home in the dead of night and poke him until he wakes up - Or ‘borrow’ some of Sans’ belongings so he’ll come to Gaster to get them back - It’s not long before the poor skel is exhausted - Putting up with this takes a lot of energy - But he knows Gast’s just...eccentric - And he means well - So Sans does his best to be a good friend, no matter how exasperating it is