#and like... going home is a massive bundle of misgendering. a huge dilemma of her wanting me more girly.
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God damn i wish mobile read mores were still a thing. Whatever.
#so im going home in like. two days right.#wednesday evening. yet instead of excited or really anything of the sort im... neutral. if not scared.#like.... i had the thought today of what if. what if that suicidal ideation slams back up after this.#the main argument i had against it was no. i had to see mom in june. i couldnt because of mom. and also rent. but mostly mom. m#now with that about to be gone... what do i have?#like i get it sounds awful. but i live my life in chunks of things to look and aim for. so i dont lose purpose and just.. die.#so what is next. what can i cling to next.#and like... going home is a massive bundle of misgendering. a huge dilemma of her wanting me more girly.#i unno. im nervous. im.... really only excited for andrew and michael. and mom too but. sigh. fuck.#i have so many conflicting feelings. and no one to talk to.#thats what i miss honestly. i miss feeling like i had someone i could emotionally lean on.#i have no one currently. and its lonely. its hard. therapy helps briefly but not entirely. i need a friend to depend on.#...im rambling. im just lonely. ffeeling very isolated. its whatever.#going home and we’ll have to just hope it goes well
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