#and it doesnt help whatsoever that where i live no one speaks their goddamn fucking mind like SAY IT TO MY FACE
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words are confusing me and im gonna be sad in tags
#yeah here i go#in the tags#idk man#i feel like no one.. likes me? like I don't know. like im just not a likeable person#and that people don't want to be around me and just like. idk. theyre just being polite or smth i feel so left out a lot of the time#and i know im very much a lot to blame for that im very unsociable. rusty people skills? no? okay.#but like. idk. no one really. like. goes out of their way to talk to me? and thats not smth that should matter. i know people have their#own lives and their own things. but dont call me your friend if you're not even gonna like say hi once in a while#and its not like these people dont text or are Like Me™ they text others ALL the TIME#like#is it me? am i the problem? is it the way i look or smile or talk? or is the things i say or do or not do or not say?#and if it was a one off its like whatever that's not Me™ but if its so many people in a row and over the years its like#its me right? im the problem its me? im the common denominator here. it cant not be me anymore#and it doesnt help whatsoever that where i live no one speaks their goddamn fucking mind like SAY IT TO MY FACE#dont have me crying about you at 1am because youre too much of a coward to say you dont like me im grown up i can handle it#ill still cry but like. not as much? not as painfully. it wont feel like whatever i give is been stomped on because Im Not Good Enough#sorry#rant over#sjonnie brainrot#sjonnies sad wanks
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Blogging the new hs^2 bonus side material! I’ll be as light as possible on partial-screenshots and quotes from this except where it’s potentially plot-important, as you’re supposed to be a Patreon contributor to see it.
Thousands gather in the cold of the planet's capital for the most important event in Earth C's political history. JANE CROCKER is due to be sworn in as president.
Ahh, so some of the Bonus material is covering what’s happening in Meat Earth C--
One of the world's biggest celebrities sits behind the swearing-in, drunk as a skunk. The masses don't know this, but the two of them represent the only Creators left on their planet, abandoned by its makers to Crockerian rule.
--while the others are out on their trip? Hot damn!
Does this mean ALL the human players left to chase down Prince Dirk except for Jake and Jane???
I knew Kanaya and Jade were part of the chase party, but didn’t know they brought Dave. Did Karkat go, too? Calliope??? It only says Creators, and if taken literally that only means the human ones?
This is all especially important because it means ROXY WENT ON THE TRIP YAAAAY MORE ROXY!!! I will always take as much Roxy of any gender that we can get. That and, you know, awake goddamn Jade. WAKE THE FUCK UP JADE.
--Oh, also this means that the trip pals don’t plan on time traveling back to the point where they left, if/when they get back here.
Man, it hurt to type that “if”.
> ==>
Huh... Jake doesn’t SOUND that drunk.
Wait, is that Jake’s hair’s silhouette? I thought it said he sits “behind” the swearing in, not in the crowd in front?
DIRK: (Hey. Is this seat taken?)
God damnit. Brain Ghost Dirk can’t keep his fingers out from even THIS OTHER Jake’s day??
> ==>
--That old troll makes me feel uncomfortable somehow. Not sure why.
> ==>
JAKE: (Surprised you didn't questionably jet off with your brain ghost daughter, too.)
DIRK: (I don't think I have one of those.)
Oh huh. I guess everyone is in the loop on what Prince Dirk did, though not necessarily the full import of it beyond the skeeviness.
> ==>
That troll smile is fucking uncomfortable. And, yeah, Jake’s depicted as drunk here imageways, too.
Have I mentioned how much having these PANELS and all this soft art goes to soothing the impact of the horrible stuff that continues to happen? Because it really does. It really felt MUCH, much worse when it was all in serif text and nothing else to soften just how anguished everyone was looking and feeling. Damn those epilogues...
JAKE: (Thats how you can tell youre not the real mccoy. Youre bothering to ask what i think.)
DIRK: (I think you're very drunk. I'm not even real and I can smell the whiskey from here.)
Yeah, he’d have a hard time standing up to you this easily sober, you jackass.
> ==>
JAKE: (Im sure shes doing great. Shes got some good ideas you know.)
JANE: I want to address this issue.
JANE: I have no tolerance whatsoever for xenophobia.
JANE: BUT,
JAKE: (Oh goddammit i think i really messed up.)
Ppfpfffff. That’s pretty funny. ...How does Jake get SMARTER when he’s intoxicated??
(EDIT: sonntam points out, since I was too lazy to think about it: "you know how it is with Jake: deep inside he understands everything, but then willfully conceils that knowledge from himself because it means confronting uncomfortable truths. but when drunk the filters go away.")
JAKE: (I just hope theres some way to undo this damned mess that the you that doesnt live in my head got all of us into.)
Hmm... we might get some glimpses into BGD’s motivations, here. Assuming this BGD and the other one aren’t two separate splinters with limited ability to share thought.
(Someone asked in my inbox why Brain Ghost Dirk shouldn’t be exactly the same as Prince Dirk if Prince Dirk is “all of himself”. Think of a Venn Diagram that instead of two intersecting circles, is a tiny circle completely inside a giant circle: Prince Dirk is accessing just about all of his “essence of self” across creation, but that goes mostly one way unless his other selves allow it, like the one who committed suicide in Candy to grant his other self more relevance did because he’d been onboard with the same plan from before the branching point. Prince Dirk can pull from the rest of himself as an Ultimate Self, but Brain Ghost Dirk is still just a splinter. Still a discrete self not necessarily sharing the mind of the rest of the whole. Just like how we’ve had other “Ultimate Selves” who have gained access to their entire Heart, like RoboDave/Rose or Jasprosesprite^2, but their wills haven’t bled into their other separate selves and iterations. )
> ==>
Speaking of... Jasprose^2 I’m assuming, interrupting the ceremonies?? From the title and the colors involved here. (This was the panel I glimpsed while I was browsing tumblr earlier, before I started read/blogging this bonus.)
Wait, if this is their doing-- hm. Let me wait to confirm before going on that ramble:
> ==>
Pffff. This newspaper... I’m not going to cap it all for those of you who haven’t paid into the bonus tier but there are so many gems. The “Barack Obama Memorial White House” jesus christ Dave I KNOW that was your doing and it is BRILLIANT.
Hm, so that creepy asshole troll was the Vice Pres. And he HAS to be an asshole since he was willing to run with the Xenophobe to give her a better license to power. He’ll probably do some shit in her absence that Jake or other neglected non-Creator characters have to do some sideplot stuff to remedy.
And-- Oh!
That’s the last page so far.
Well. There’s no confirmation that this for-sure WAS Jasprose’s doing, but if it WAS her...
Well, keep in mind that said Jasprose -- while capricious -- also has the knowledge and feelings of Rose Lalonde’s entire timeline-spanning essence and Heart... without Prince Dirk being at all close enough to delude or manipulate her mind the way he’s been doing to the PROPER Ultimate Rose.
Meaning Jasprose may very well know just how fucking hoodwinked her other self is, and has the power to REALLY fuck with Prince Dirk’s plans for Earth C in his absence. Or at least make Jane’s presidency a little less catastrophic than Dirk was recklessly going to let it be. Suck it, Dirk!
I’m predicting Jane will be put through some serious hijinks and tomfoolery. With a boundary-less sprite uncomfortably flirting with her all the way. Let’s hope this bonus story is planned to give us a bit more hope for the state of the Earth whoever survives this Dirkchase is going to, hopefully, come back to. As much hope as we want to have... in Candy, and here, Jake is right there to help solve the problem, but on the trip chasing Prince Dirk? They kind of left Hope behind...
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yeah im drinking a bit at 130am i have to be at work in five hours but im SAD and i hate my coworkers and im gonna stay up and feel like shit all week so you know fuck it im gonna bitch about it on main bc im tired of giving a fuck about what people think of me and im not putting it under the cut because i seriously dont fucking care
i shoulda bought more cigarillosi havent fucking smoked in seven years like my parents found my cigars when i was a baby adult and yelled at me so i tossed them and never looked back
except now i live on my own in a tiny shitty room that is cheap enough for me to pay off my student loans real fucking fast living with two extremely adorable dogs(they’re my roommates) who dont like being petted so what even are they good for except dragging in dead animals all the fucking time and leaving hair everywhere literally i had to stop baking for my coworkers because no matter how clean i was i ALWAYS FOUND MORE FUCKING FUR but its fine because i don’t like these coworkers anyways
like i know i work in tech but what are the fucking chances that my team would be four white blonde guys(at least two are blue eyed) in their early thirties and then me like what the FUCK and i still have two more months with these fuckers. i have to figure out how to survive eight more weeks with these people who don’t like or respect me. i feel like a goddamn token minority hire and it makes me want to quit. like, just straight up two weeks notice i don’t give a FUCK about completing the rest of my work i don’t give a FUCK about helping this team i don’t give a FUCK about this work assignment my coworkers are so fucking dismissive and passive aggressive AT BEST and whiny turds at worst. i hate coming in at 630 and leaving at 345 without taking a lunch so my work has gotten like 10 extra hours of work for me thats literally, after tax, another student loan payment.
im so fucking miserable here. this town is so fucking small. theres nothing to do here except spend twenty dollars to go to tea except i have to do it myself bcause i dont know how to fucking interact wioth people
and then i thought this month oh ill try to get people i like together for halloween movies at my house except my house is a disaster because my roommate doesnt know how to fucking clean her shit up
literally her dogs shit on the couch and she took hours to do a half assed job of cleaning up. i cleaned the table, the kitchen, the floors, everything, and within two weeks she covered the newly cleaned surfaces with her shit. and like, its like pulling teeth to even get her to move her shit from the dryer after a MONTH so i know any sort of cleaning isn;t going to get done by her
like i thought leaving my parents house would make things so much better i thought the distance would allow me to finally live like an adult, but im essentially living the same fucking life, overextended by my responsibilities, depressed to the point of ideation, too anxious to talk to anyone, except now i have quadruple the bills, still no fucking s/o because apparently im totally unfuckable like even this fucking loser from target ghosted me, and my parents passive aggressively text me everyday because i don’t update them all the time on my THRILLING life that consists of a nine hour work day, three hours of studying for a professional exam that my work won’t pay for, and two hours of costume shit based on a character in a game series i don’t even fucking like for a party im not even going to attend
and like the obvious answer is drop the costume shit, block your parents for a couple weeks, and go to therapy. i hurried i RUSHED to get my own health insurance so i could finally finally get therapy, only to find out that if my work finds out im getting therapy theyll block any chance at promotion and in this small shitty town there are ten total therapists in a sixty mile radius, only two of which specialize in the CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) except one is a dude and the other does christian counseling and i fucking refuse to interact with religion i dropped any pretense of religion four years ago and im not fucking going back and if you even FUCKING mention it to me i stg so i guess i have to take my chances with the dude
god i dont want to go to work tomorrow but ive p consistently taken a day off every two weeks and im trying to save up my leave for when i want to just fucking ditch out for a week next year after i pay off my student loans
like EVERYTHING WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER ONCE I MOVED. i told myself oh everything will be better once i transfer except it wasnt i got even more stressed and felt more pressure. i told myself oh everything will be bettwe once i graduate except not only was it not but i hit the worst period of my life after graduating i couldn’t socialize i couldn’t speak i just laid on the floor of my childhood room crying and cutting myself because i couldn’t functgion because life didnt have purpose anymore. i told myself oh everything will be better once i move out once im away from the environment tht made me sick BUT GUESS WHAT TUMBLR the FUCKING ENVIRONMENT THAT MADE ME SICK WAS ME. GUESS WHAT I’M THE TOXIC PRESENCE IN MY LIFE. GUESS WHAT YOU CAN’T RUN AWA FROM YOUR OWN BRAIN.
im so fucking tired of trying im so tired of waiting for things to get better i keep trying things i did cbt on my own for months and it did nothing i drank a lot for a month and it did nothing but make me pee a lot i smoked again and it didn’t help i start cutting again and it did nothing like the only vice i have is eating except to pay off my student loans asap my food budget got stripped so i cant even do that and im just. im so fucking tired of this. im tired of throwing money at my student loan app. im tired of having no room besides my bed so i have to cut fabric while laying under my bed because there no room for me and my cutting mat. im tired of spending every weekend studying my fe study materials for an exam to get a certification my work doesn’t care about whatsoever. im tired of not feeling excited about anything. this is usually my favorite month of the year and i havent done a single fall activity. i dont know why the only person in this stupid city who likes me is the dude who realized im the only single black girl in the city and therefore has decided to make it his mission to try to wear me down so he can fuck me. im tired of working in a team where i have to be the voice of all women all black people and all queer people. im tired of having to either report my comings and goings to my parents from two hundred miles away when they don’t pay for any of my shit(in fact, i pay for some of their shit and they still demand updates like they’re entitled to my fucking life) hold on im getting another drink
and like if i want to even be considered one of the team i have to perform to perfection better than the other fuckers on the team whic means i have to show up before the earliest arriver and leave after my boss leaves and i still gotta do all my personal shit and i cant take a lunch and im UFKCKING SICK OF IT. the other team in our open office is a million times more diverse, they actually communicate and discuss shit. their boss is a woman and they occasionally have women on their team on assignment. they spent an hour debating and charting pizza topping preferences so they could order pizza together. meanwhile, my team cant even be assed to actually ask me a question.
i dont fucking want to go to work tomorrow. i dont want to fucking go back to this team ever again. my boss offered me a permanent position and i didnt know how to tell him that i hate this team and i cant wait to leave and mute the team server forever and if my next assignment didnt require an additional security thing(DESPITE THE FACT THAT I’VE NEVER STEPPED OUT OF LINE MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE I HAD GOOD HS ATTENDANCE I PARTICIPATED IN CLUBS I GOT A FUCKING NATIONAL AWARD I VOLUNTEERED WITH A CHRISTIAN CHURCH I PARTICIPATED IN CLUBS AND STUDENT ORGS IN COLLEGE I DIDNT DRINK A SIP OF ALCOHOL UNTIL I WAS 21 I DIDN’T SMOKE UNTIL I WAS 18 I NEVER TRIED ANY DRUGS NOT EVEN WEED IN FACT THE MOMENT DRUGS WERE PRESENT IN MY SOCIAL CIRCLES I LEFT THOSE SOCIAL CIRCLES AND NEVER LOOKED BACK I NEVER COMMITTED ANY CRIMES I NEVER ASSOCIATED WITH ANYONE WHO DID CRIMES IVE NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY AS AN ADULT I LITERALLY HAVE THE BACKGROUND OF SOMEONE WHO SPENT 25 YEARS SITTING IN A ROOM EATING SALTINES AND STARING AT A WALL UNTIL I STARTED WORKING) that is taking fucking forever despite my perfect background i would have left this assignment early AND i would have given them excellent documentation when i went.
im so fucking tired. im tired of everything.
#i finished writing this shit at 230 at this point any sleep is gonna be shit but the alcohol is making me sleepy so whatever#there was no chance i was going to get a decent nights sleep anyways#i fucking hate everything
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btw this wall of text is funny and has jokes so dont be afraid to read it in full♥( like i never read theory posts i just skim cuz they’re usually really boring)
im genuinely asking all you girls lol. i think that theory and stuff is fun but its got a lotta girls caught up in it to where they think all issues are equal. because in theory they are. but this is totally war, like, our numbers are limited. and also we cant afford to make things any easier for people who are invested in killing us.
like in theory what if we had a utopian capitalist society; trans women would be treated perfect, cis women would be treated perfect, etc, except for that capital would exist lol but im just saying its capitalist because of the epistemological impossibility of describing a post-capitalist society. so cis women would have their uteruses respected and all that stuff (what do cis women care about????? idgi tbh) and trans women would y’know, not be in the absolute shithole.
so in that situation theory coincides with and applies to society so if a misogynist trend appeared it wouldnt hurt trans women to work with cis women on whatever was an issue with them with that. well the only thing that would hurt would be being seen in public with such unfashionable people. but i digress.
however in this late capitalist metadata-shaped reality, if we want to really center and support ourselves and our sisters, we have to preform some kind of triage. triage is a practice in medicine and more specifically field, military, and emergency medicine by which doctors quickly determine prognosis (oversimplified: how likely someone is to survive) and more importantly the effect of treatment on said prognosis. and then decide the order to treat injured based on that analysis. so basically they treat the ppl with severed limbs first so they dont bleed out, but the people cut in half last cuz it would be near impossible to save them anyway. you probably already knew all this, like, if you’ve seen apocalypse now or anything but i just really like talking about medical science lmao. humor me.
so we have to decide where the focus of social and material resources is most important and will do the most good for tw. thats pretty intuitive. i think if i said that to any tw i know shed agree. well tw dont usually agree with my taste in icecream muchtheless politics so maybe not. anyway :p♥
looking at it from a military/conflict analytical perspective, because there’s little difference between physical and emotional conflict and often its helpful to look at them the same, there are a lot of people working on cis womens “rights”. in fact many men also work with cis women on their ~issues~ ; trans guys being especially invested in this cuz its a way to be transmisogynist and gain power 4 free basically. cis women have that shit on lockdown, lemme tell you. they’re bringing their boyfriends and everything. meanwhile our boyfriends or cis girlfriends dont wanna be seen with us. but like i said a bunch already, nobody’s even working for trans womens basic needs (not rights) except ourselves. let me say: every time we go participate in a womens march, in a trans march, we’re getting played hard.
like hard girls. like major funny business. like serious shenanigans. why? because cis women and trans men use us and our incredible skill, talent, etc, and get us to organize, direct, speak at, etc the march and they get all the benefits. we get none. in fact we usually get sexually assaulted, traumatized, verbally assaulted, et ceteraaaa. like, are you seeing what im seeing? my triage says that thats definitely NOT something i should get within 10 miles of. dont rhetorically defend that, dont go, dont give your labor to ppl who are lookin to simply exploit you and send you home with less that you masked up with. or pussy hatted up. god thats the worst. fashion nightmare.
everybody has limited resources. it simply doesn’t make sense to spend our resources as tw on stuff which doesnt give back. every time you theoretically defend cis women in even a minuscule way i wonder why?? cuz the problem is you’re not gonna get anything from it! i mean maybe this is too max stirner but not really cuz what i’m saying is that we are small in active numbers, and we dont get any tactical assistance from anyone but our selves, and thus its crucial to focus solely on gaining resources for and preserving our own selves. especially when its not just a waste, its dangerous. the more leeway cis women get from trans women, the more they will exploit that and exploit the trans women in their movements; and use those women to decredit the women outside of their movements. dont be a token! i’m not kidding when i say you won’t get anything out of it.
remember the study that said trans women participating in communities are more depressed than trans women who dont. cis womens movements will suck you dry. okay that sounds kinda hot. they’ll do it in a non-hot way. they will use your brilliance for their own ends and dehumanize your daily life.
so when you give your energy to them, whether you’re a fulltime h8r like me or you dont really h8 anyone (i bet theres someone you h8 dont lie to yourself, we’ve all got that dark side hatred inside us), its not useful to ever focus on cis women. even if you like them a lot they dont really need your help. unless you’re a hardcore masochist and wanna never focus on yourself and only focus on others, which i get, its kind of a thing with tw, but lemme tell you its the most dangerous goddamn thing when done with cis women. at least if you put the needs of other tw over your own they will prolly help you in return! anyway please become an egoist and put your needs above others. thats not even actually egoism, so dont even worry about karl marx’ ghost coming to haunt you.
trans women need to use that kind of thinking more than any other kinda people, but we like put ourselves first the least! we are way too selfless. and literally everyone is conspiring to play the fuck out of us so we are sooo vulnerable to being tokens and hurting ourselves by giving energy to communities that just wanna exploit us. it sux!!
the moral of the story is, please never talk about uteruses and vaginas and reproductive rights and petty acts of misogyny like catcalls ever again lol, cuz the (millions) of cis women who talk about those things have got way more resources to fight those things which are comparatively nothing to what threatens trans women, and they are also 100% invested and complicit in your exploitation and demise! also it makes me sad cuz i want sisters to care about me and focus on me (and themselves) cuz i’m super vain.
i feel like what politics posts are missing on tumblr is like, honesty! ive become way more honest this year and i dont think it detracts from what im saying to say that posts focusing on trans women and validating us and totally tossing out all the cis bs thats constantly around us make me feel more cared about and more happy. i want people to care about my experiences and listen and share my passionate emotions. im extremely passionate about trans women fucking winning at life. and i know that cis women, men, every non trans woman always tries to stop me and my sisters from winning at every fuckin turn! damn! that sux!! but we have to deal with it, forreal, like, we can and will win by ourselves. nobodys gonna help us, as fucked up as that is, we have to make our own lives and come into our own resources and contacts and happiness and safety. but i know we can. and i know that cis women especially, who are very sneaky and try to pull like 10 fast ones on us a minute, (how do they do that) can be soooo harmful for us. anyway indulge me and just try not really focusing or contributing to cis womens or “transgender” movements et cetera et cetera cuz it’s the way2go. focus on yourself, real life, not theory, (like not theory as a huge major thing in your life its totally fun as a hobby, just dont let it control how you like, relate to people! cuz i see that a lot), your sisters, and winning. dont put your energy towards movements that really, honestly, will never be able to truly see you as human and give you any support or benefit whatsoever. jeez why’d i write this post this is so long wtf i never go on tumblr ok bye girls♥♥♥
dont believe the hype, bitches are the lowkey fbis sis !! ♥♥♥
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