finally Friday....can turn my brain off...gonna think of sir John and bear wife yknow, as a treat HEEHEEEE........😩

Edie & Nancy

Edie: here then is it? Nancy: Yeah Nancy: Do you wanna see some pics? Edie: nah Edie: saw the socials Nancy: They're both okay, like Edie: Obvs, McKenna, reckon they'd bother to hmu if they were dead Edie: cheers then Nancy: There's a huge difference between alright and dead Nancy: I'm just saying Edie: not to me Nancy: Do you want me to tell anyone anything or? Edie: do what u wanna Edie: everyone busy Nancy: They aren't that busy Nancy: It's a baby not a bomb threat Edie: she ain't that special Edie: least they were expecting that alien looking thing this time Edie: progress Nancy: Barely but you know Nancy: Feels like a giant step back if anything Edie: 🙄 Edie: gutted for you Nancy: No you aren't, so don't bother with any of it Edie: obviously not Nancy: Is there anything else you actually wanna know/say 'cause I'm not good at this Nancy: Let's not pretend I am Edie: you rude as fuck Nancy: And what, you're the only one allowed? Edie: i ain't done anything to you but nah feel pressed Edie: u love it Nancy: You've disappeared and everyone is worried. You don't care about that but I do Nancy: So sorry if I don't wanna indulge it, like Edie: only got time for your sads? Edie: joke Nancy: I wish Nancy: We'd all love to run away Nancy: But some of us have to actually stick around Edie: boohoo Edie: dry Edie: what good u think u are mckenna Nancy: Go away again, Edie Nancy: I don't need this Nancy: Nobody does Edie: 😂 Edie: u ain't got nothing but problems you made up cos ur boring Edie: same as her, fucking drew the only excitement she ever had Nancy: Thanks for the therapy session Edie: mommy issues, next Nancy: You're such a cliche Nancy: At least give me one I haven't heard a million times before Edie: ok miss i want my teacher to pipe me Edie: act superior some more it funny Nancy: I'll be here all week Nancy: And longer Edie: whatever Edie: no u wont but run your mouth all u want Edie: u all talk a big game Nancy: Some of us do bother to say what we mean Nancy: Shockingly Edie: nah Edie: you out in a few months max Edie: the only one that always here is him and he always will be Nancy: Going to uni doesn't make me a ghost Nancy: Keeping in touch is easy if you want to Edie: like u ain't already Edie: oh babe Nancy: You don't know me Edie: who wants to Nancy: Plenty of people Edie: yeah like i say Edie: making up problems done wonders for ur cred Edie: least they talking yeah Nancy: Like I said, you don't know me Edie: u wish Edie: transparent Nancy: I really don't Nancy: I've dealt with enough bitches already thanks Edie: 😥 Edie: nawh Nancy: You wanna talk shit to me some more, go ahead Nancy: Nice to know you're still alive at least Edie: always with the self-pity, ain't a good look fyi but go off Nancy: You'd know Edie: i'm the only one celebrating this thing birth not comiserating Edie: poor fuck Nancy: Congrats, like Nancy: Go do that and leave me alone Edie: nah Nancy: I'm ignoring you now Edie: sure Edie: like u can Nancy: Literally always have Edie: yeah why u had to run here init Edie: so strong Edie: so like ur mummy Nancy: I'm not strong and it ain't news Edie: hoping playing damsel get u some Edie: who ain't Edie: cute Nancy: No, I just know myself Nancy: You can't hurt me by pointing out my flaws, babe. I'm aware Edie: who trying Edie: no need Edie: ready to cry over nothing always Nancy: Keep talking like you know about it Nancy: It just shows how much you don't Edie: so mysterious Edie: so guarded Edie: now u wishing Nancy: You're just putting words in my mouth now Nancy: You wish you knew me well enough to call me out Nancy: I'm not my brother, sorry. I don't wanna flirt with you Edie: i already said Edie: no one tryna know u babe Edie: least of all him Edie: comorbidity with ur mommy issues is ur twincest moment obvs Nancy: You're so wrong it's just awkward Edie: u brought up flirting w him Edie: that's awks Nancy: I brought him flirting with you, actually Edie: not rio Edie: why u jealous Nancy: Gross Nancy: He loves her, he entertains you Nancy: Not the same thing Edie: we all pretending that ain't fucked up then but this drew situ omg defcon1 Edie: this family 😂 good for the craic if literally nothing else Nancy: Nobody's pretending it isn't a mess Nancy: They just aren't being as rude as you Edie: oh no Edie: they'd NEVER do that Edie: 'cept they let joe pipe his own sister, drew fuck his way through this entire fam, gonna let them get married Edie: yeah Edie: the last thing you all do is turn a blind eye 😂 Edie: keep posting them pics like it's cute Nancy: Live in the past some more like it matters Nancy: It's done Nancy: I can't personally change it for you so Edie: past? Edie: bitch this happening right now Edie: jokes too miss imma have a victim complex cos the rich girls didn't wanna play nice with me Nancy: What's happening right now is being dealt with right now, Jesus Nancy: You'd know if you were here Edie: too late as per Edie: let it become a problem then we can all feel so sorry for ourselves aw Edie: let the skeleton raise the abortion go off Edie: slaying it Nancy: What's your solution? Nancy: We can't tell her what to do Edie: get the bitch hospitalized Edie: duh Edie: she isn't fit to be in her job or be a ma Edie: let her fuck this one up tho, join the ranks Nancy: If I could, I would Edie: sure Nancy: What you think you're the only one who's just had that oh so original thought? Nancy: Please Edie: please, like ur the only one acting as if your hands are tied Nancy: Mine are Nancy: What the fuck do you think I can do, Edie? Edie: grow a pair mckenna Edie: the act didn't work Edie: miss didn't wanna fuck u, mommy ain't coming to rescue u either 'cos u ain't her fave Edie: try something else, be original, christ Nancy: Oh my god Nancy: And do what? Nobody's gonna put Ro in hospital 'cause I say so Nancy: Or take the kid when she technically hasn't done anything wrong Edie: ring the social Edie: christ got an in Edie: like nan ain't been knew since she took the bitch in she ain't right Nancy: You know they'd investigate and do nothing Nancy: You aren't that stupid Edie: u know u too pussy to do it Edie: everyone in this fam and they wanna front like they anything but Nancy: Bullshit Nancy: Lord, I wish everything was as black and white as you're convinced it is Edie: here we go again Edie: woe is the tragic clan Edie: newsflash, normal people aren't beset by all this fucking drama and actual bullshit Edie: cos they don't roll around in it and revel in the fucking stink Nancy: None of us are normal, get over it Edie: u reckon u ain't wait for all the inbreeding kids ur gonna have to pretend are cute Edie: snap snap Nancy: Again, what do you want me to do? Nancy: I can't stop them being together Nancy: It's not like I want them to be in love or get married Edie: sure no one can we're all so helpless Edie: enough people had the balls to say nah it's fucked Edie: then rio would stop, end of, we all know it Nancy: Or they'd run away like you have Nancy: That's made everyone really happy, like Edie: yeah ur welcome Edie: more drama to jack it to Nancy: You're so selfish Edie: what, and you're the only ones allowed? Edie: gasp Edie: everyone is out for themselves and harps on the others for doing it too Edie: keep up Nancy: That's how you see it 'cause that's how it suits you Edie: that's the spirit Nancy: Your mum had a good birthday, by the way Edie: didn't ask Edie: but unsurprised Nancy: I knew you wouldn't Nancy: Doesn't mean you shouldn't know Edie: that the best u got like Edie: i been knew she's the worst of all Nancy: You wish Edie: yeah i love having a cunt for a ma hbu babe Nancy: You do though Nancy: You love thinking you do anyway Edie: yh buzzin Edie: got it in one Edie: u really aren't the smart 1 damn Nancy: I've never tried to say I am Nancy: You've got the wrong twin there Nancy: I'm the stupid one, and again, aware Edie: 😥 Edie: good ting i ain't here for ur wisdom Nancy: Fuck knows what you are here for Nancy: Please go Edie: the craic Edie: i told u Edie: so funny Nancy: If I'm the best you've got Nancy: Poor you Edie: fucking hell mckenna Edie: no one ever gonna wanna fuck u with an attitude like that Nancy: The good thing about fucking is that you don't have to talk Edie: pillow princess Edie: figures Nancy: Oh so you like to be chatty with it? Okay Edie: just a suggestion Edie: u ain't all that to look at either wanna give 'em something to keep interest Nancy: I don't want them to stick around so it's fine Nancy: But you do you Edie: oh and i'm selfish Edie: just like ur brother Edie: cute Nancy: Didn't you get the memo Nancy: He's changed Edie: least he might be worth the ride now then Edie: good for him Nancy: Gross Nancy: I hope you don't want me to pass that message on Edie: keep it to yourself if that's how you vibing girl Nancy: I'd rather not hear it but you didn't ask Edie: just meeting your expectations Edie: i'm rude yeah Nancy: Like you're so offended Edie: 💔 Nancy: I think you have to have one, babe Edie: ya 'bullies' school you that zinger Edie: knew it weren't that bad Nancy: They were more about the homophobia Nancy: Unlikely to work on you Edie: it ain't the 70s who does it Nancy: If you wanna go to London and tell them Nancy: Still probably something they could do with learning Edie: how you know i aint Nancy: If you were in Chelsea you'd have more to laugh at than me and this conversation Edie: dun think we share a sense of humour Nancy: I can't say that 💔's me Edie: aw ain't it nice to find something that don't get you 😥 Edie: love that 4 u Nancy: Okay Edie: it's been real Edie: laters Nancy: I hope not Edie: dry Nancy: Honestly you'd be better off speaking Irish to me Edie: dryshite then Edie: 🍀 enough for ye Edie: like u local Nancy: At least now I don't have to pretend I know what you're talking about Nancy: Thanks Edie: just claim ur dyslexia like ur tryna cash ur giro Nancy: Yeah Edie: wonder if u can park disabled Nancy: I can't drive so I can't tell you Nancy: If you wanna try and claim it though, they'd likely believe you Edie: hahahaha u calling me disabled now for the punch of it Edie: victim complex strikes again n the bullied becomes the bully Edie: u easiest to wind up ever imma do this more Nancy: I'm calling you an idiot Nancy: And I'm blocking you so good luck Edie: aw dont do urself like that Edie: nother thing for u to feel sorry bout when i die n i was tryna reach out for help Nancy: Like you said, if anyone dies we hear about it Edie: too little too late mckenna Nancy: For you yeah Nancy: I'm not the Samaritans babe I can barely send a coherent text Edie: yh i heard Edie: her cousin goes to my school tried coming at me fore i left like i care bout u being a tick Nancy: Okay Nancy: I don't wanna talk about her with you so bye Edie: ooooooooooo Edie: touched a nerve Nancy: Obviously Edie: bah why Edie: thought u dont want em to stay Edie: such a bad bitch Nancy: Shut up Edie: hahahahaha Nancy: Seriously Edie: get a grip mckenna Edie: she ain't even a ride Nancy: I'm not doing this Edie: you're a joke man Edie: u don't care bout none of ur family enough to shut me up but i wanna chat on this shtate Edie: and suddenly u got a dick Edie: lmao Nancy: That isn't news either, keep up like Nancy: I can't shut up about them 'cause you've got a point Nancy: It doesn't mean I don't care Edie: 'course not Edie: put it away Edie: she got a real gf now Nancy: I know Nancy: She's had several actually Nancy: You're out of the loop Edie: what a slag Edie: have to be to let u when u ain't bringing nothing to the table by ur own admission Nancy: Thanks Nancy: Homophobia belongs in the 70s but this doesn't, the world according to Edie Mckenna, okay Edie: oh shut up germaine greer Edie: i ain't tryna get in ur pants u don't need to impress me with ur regurgitated feminism 101 from ro n my mother of all people Nancy: You're the one who's still talking and staying in my inbox past your welcome, like Edie: cos i can handle it Edie: u the one getting heated baby Nancy: Well done, you Edie: aw thank u Nancy: Good thing you don't need to impress me either Edie: by pretending it don't make u a bad person to drop your knickers quicker than u can pull up the last? Edie: original Edie: get ur own personality Nancy: We've established I do Nancy: And gone into all its flaws Nancy: Again, keep up Edie: lmao u think thats urs Edie: okay when uve stapled together pieces of every bitch u want to love u Nancy: If you say so Nancy: It must be true Edie: duh Edie: see it as a chance to be better Edie: u ain't loving this Edie: n no one else is Nancy: Yeah 'cause I really wanna improve myself based on your standards Edie: who said anything bout me Edie: ill never fuck w u mckenna Edie: u still gonna be dry whatever u do Nancy: You're the only one telling me to be better Nancy: So you are Edie: well ur rents gave up on that dream didn't dey Edie: pin all dat on ur bro Nancy: Yeah they did Nancy: Tell me something I don't know or shut up Edie: poor poor baby Edie: hit up sugar town, ur namesake was on to something w that one Edie: drew good for some lsd always Nancy: That'll really help, thanks so much, babe Edie: howd u kno Edie: pussy Edie: aint even fuckin right Nancy: I know that I've got a fucked up enough brain already Nancy: Not gonna disable myself more Edie: yh well they use it to treat depression so try it Edie: stop u whining so much Nancy: There's plenty of other ways if I was so inclined Nancy: So thoughtful though Edie: obvs Edie: u love it Edie: when u got nothing else babe Nancy: Whatever you say Edie: 😥 Nancy: I've gotta go cry now, obviously Nancy: So Edie: damn u cant multitask Edie: really out here strugglin' Edie: ttfn babe Nancy: Not the way I do it Nancy: I have to go all in, of course Nancy: So much sadness Edie: nah u about the most half-arsed of all of 'em i reckon Edie: really do better Edie: i believe in u Nancy: No you don't Edie: sure i do Edie: know dat dnt sit right w ur whole victim schtik but Edie: unlucky Nancy: It doesn't sit right with anything about you more like Nancy: But okay Edie: lmao yh Edie: u 1 of a kind Edie: so special so misunderstood Nancy: By you yeah Nancy: But that's fine by me Edie: bitch we know Edie: live 4 it Edie: get it Edie: anything to feel like u better than the rest Nancy: You're ridiculous Nancy: When's the last time you even spoke to me before this? You don't know anything Edie: whens the last time u spoke Edie: dont mean u an enigma Edie: no one as thick as u tryna paint me especially not me Nancy: It means I'm shy, bitch Nancy: That's all it means Edie: yea yea Nancy: Yeah well Edie: u should talk more Edie: fun Nancy: For you but Nancy: I don't like you so unlikely to happen Edie: 💔 Edie: who does Edie: even u aint that fucked up n lookin for the sympathy Nancy: Most of this family, more fool them Nancy: Something else I can't do anything about Edie: Tragic Nancy: Yeah Edie: that's what happens when u don't get out the clothes hanger, like Edie: hey ho, 'nother bastard for the pile Nancy: 💔 Edie: yeah gonna find it well jokes when its one u actually care abt Nancy: Sure Nancy: By your reckoning I live for the misery so I'll be thriving anyway Edie: only yr own Edie: gonna get in yr way Edie: can't really verbally smackdown a kid when you've had a few Edie: 'less you wanna be that, currently without a drunk in the fam so Nancy: Also according to you I won't be here Nancy: So feel free to take that role on Edie: i ain't a virgin Edie: drinking ain't even good craic Edie: keep up, mckenna Nancy: I don't care if it brings you joy or not Edie: 😂 Edie: ooh Edie: savage Nancy: I've already told you I don't like you Nancy: Keep up yourself Edie: i told u ion care Edie: why Edie: u reckon i shuld Nancy: No Nancy: I'd rather you didn't Edie: good Edie: how u got it baby Nancy: Yay for me, like Edie: 😂 Edie: christ Edie: crackin a smile rlly wud break u yh Nancy: For you, yeah Edie: just bitches who ain't into u Edie: rejection rlly hittin that spot i c Nancy: No, just you Nancy: You're enough of a bitch Edie: ray of sunshine Edie: everyone always be saying it Edie: honestly u lost ur point a while ago Nancy: That's what I do babe Nancy: Dyslexia 101 Edie: so sad Edie: enough brain training for today then sugar, peace Nancy: At least my lack of short term memory means I can forget this convo Nancy: Bye

letter writing, number 9 :))))

9 - an apology that’s way too late | @ofcloudcities | 1.7k words holy fuck why.  I love this ship help me.  Not doing letters.  Just voice recordings, sorry! Han wouldn’t write a letter.  He has no patience for that.  

❝Shit—where do I, uh—begin?  I dunno.❞      A momentary lapse of silence follows a bout of breathless laughter.❝’S a long story, Lando.  It really is.  Sit back, ‘cause it’ll be a while before I’m done.❞

A sigh.  ❝Really all goes back to when we were kids.  When we were runnin’ the streets like they were our own.  Back when we shared bread ‘n soup together ‘cause we didn’t have enough money to buy anything else to eat.  I think—I think around the time we turned twenty—and you said you were leaving to make it big—I think that’s when I knew I wanted you.            Yeah.  I’m cuttin’ the dramatics, Lando; you’ve probably known this whole time, huh?  ‘Cause you’re smart.  You’ve always been too fuckin’ smart for your own good …  Anyway, it wasn’t boyish curiosity or nothin’ either.  I figured that out later ‘cause I’d thought that’s what it was, too.  You’ve always been an open guy, never cared about what others had to say, and you chased after your own version of happiness.  … Guess that’s kinda what I wanted to do, too.  When you said you were leaving, I wanted to show you I wasn’t gonna be the same bum you’d known for years.❞

❝Growing up with you was the best ‘n the worst time of my life.  So, when we promised that, one day, we’d meet up again; I wanted to show you how much better things had gotten for me.  I mean, I wasn’t all that much different when we did, though.  Still drove around, aimless, worked odd jobs to make ends meet.  I’d met Leia at the time, ‘n fell for her.  But y’know that.  I remember how shocked you were when I told you I was engaged.             Didn’t last long, though.  From what I’ve seen, nothing ever fazes ya for long.❞

❝Can’t say I was any better, though.  You—a business man.  Your own office ‘n everything.  It still amazes me, ya know.  Not ‘cause I thought you wouldn’t make it or nothin’.  It was just … I guess I was thinking it was like those times we’d lay on the roof of the old recreation center.  Remember?  The old place we’d sleep at.  Back then, we’d go star gazin’, ‘n talk about how things were gonna be different for us one day.  Doing that for two years, as a kid, felt like a lifetime.  Guess I saw those moments as things that weren’t ever gonna actually happen.  But you made it happen, Lando.  Truth be told, I was jealous of all that ya had.  I was—twenty somethin’? — ‘n still struggling—engaged on top of it.  Me ‘n my ego wouldn’t let Leia pay for everything so, I worked even harder, but I kept seeing how much easier you had it.  … I avoided you—up until Leia called it off and dumped my ass.❞ 

A weak snort.  ❝But she was good for doin’ it.  Left me a whole lot to think about.  Had to reevaluate my whole life again.  I s’pose I’m someone who’s easily surprised, ‘cause I never would’ve guessed you showin’ up when you did.  Fuckin’—two bottles of whiskey in one hand, the whole collection of Star Trek in the other.  I’d ignored your ass for almost a year ‘n you showed up as soon as you found out?  Goddamn it, Lando, you blow my mind…!❞

❝          But I wish … I kinda wish you hadn’t done that.  Sometimes—there’re days when I think about how if you’d just let me wallow for that whole week I was down about Leia, things would be different right now.  I wouldn’t be talkin’ into this voice recorder, leaving you a message that I can’t say myself, can’t say in front of you ‘cause I’m a godsdamned coward.❞

He coughs, and shaky breaths rattle the speakers.  ❝I never meant to hurt you this way.  … You probably already know what I’m talking about, huh?❞

❝I didn’t … I didn’t plan for it to happen this way.  I swear, Lando, I swear.  Fuck—it came outta nowhere, okay?  It really did.  Me ‘n Luke didn’t plan this out to fuckin’ … hurt you.  It wasn’t like that.❞

❝When you took care of me, stayed over for a week in my shitty apartment and didn’t let up … that feeling came back.  That same shit I felt when we were young ‘n stupid ‘n happy but not fucking happy at all.  But, by that time, you were with Tendra.  Things looked serious.  You ‘n me have always been the same about this.  Relationships always come ‘n go.  Things would get serious, then things would end before we knew it.  Tendra?  She was different.  It looked like you loved her.  … A lot.  So, I didn’t say anything.❞

❝A year passed us by an’ as things go, you split with her … then me ‘n you happened.  Best day of my life, I swear.  Felt like my whole world was in color again!  Sure, we didn’t start … dating, but a kiss was everything to me, y’know?  After years of thinking about it, finally getting it was pretty damn sweet.  Admit it, the occasional sex was great too.             But after a coupla months, when you told me you were fuckin’ leaving again … I didn’t know how long it’d be before you’d be back ‘cause it was for work.  Said there was a gas mining company or somethin’, and that you were administrator now.  A big shot.  It was like some kinda sick repeat.  ‘Cause, just like when we were twenty an’ grinnin’ stupidly at each other in the subway station, not sure when we’d see each other again—it’d hit me a second time.  Slammed right home.  I could’ve said somethin’, but I didn’t.  I don’t know why I didn’t.  I just didn’t.  I thought if I told you that I’ve been in love with you, you’d finally drop me for good.  So … I let you go.  Thought you’d be better off without me, anyway.❞

❝While you were away, I met Leia’s twin brother: Luke … I’ll admit it, ‘m really attracted to him.  Who would’ve thought she had a long, lost twin?   Ahh, whatever.  It was a rush.  You weren’t around an’ I was still pissed.  We never solidified shit.  You made it sound like you were never comin’ back even though we kept in touch.  The few phone calls weren’t enough.  It hurt more to hear your voice than anything else … I was furious that you left it like that—us, still dancin’ around each other, avoiding landmines that don’t look so bad now that I’m at where I am.  So, I met up with Luke, fooled around with him, and found out with him, too.❞ 

❝Stage three.❞    ❝They said it just spread to stage three by the time I got tested.❞❝Thymomas cancer, type C.❞

❝For a long time, I couldn’t believe it.  They said it was really rare.  Even said I had the worst prognosis on top of that.❞  The rasp of fabric blasts through the speakers.  ❝Sorry, uh, just thinking of what to say.❞

❝Even though I remember the feeling as clear as the day I’d talked to Luke—after finding out you were comin’ home after just nine months—I knew it was wrong.  I don’t even know about the intentions anymore—if they were even in anyone’s best interest.  I never should’ve done it.  I regret it, more than anything.  When you showed up at my front door again, at my same shitty apartment—I liked it there ‘cause you’d said you hated it—two bottles of champagne in one hand, the new Star Trek in the other, and I told you it was over ‘n that I was engaged—fuckin’, again.              You’d looked shot to pieces that night.  I remember when you walked right past me, probably wanting to talk, you’d stopped midway when you saw Luke standing up from the couch.  Your back was towards me that night, but Luke said he’d never seen something so sad              told me you’d looked like a man who’d just lost everything in a gamble.❞ 

❝… I think about that night a lot.  ‘Specially, on nights ‘m not allowed to have visitors.  Hurts me to move these days.  Don’t bother turning on the TV anymore so, it’s quiet a lotta the time.  Keeps on playin’ at the back of my head, over ‘n over.  If I could change one thing, it’d be that night.          Wait, nawh, that’s a lie.  I’d rewind further than that—the fuck am I sayin’?  I’d have told you I’ve been in love with you from the get-go.  Whether you’d have loved me back or not, I would’ve.  ‘Cause, if I’d done that, at least you would’ve known I’ve been in love with you my whole godsdamned life.❞

❝You hear that, Lando?  My whole life—I’ve been in love with you!❞      ❝Lando … what I’d give … to live the rest of my life with …❞ 

❝I know it’s too late for apologies.  I know.  This tape—it’s gonna be sent from the hospital, to you, when I’m gone.  I asked them and they said they’d do it.  I would’ve asked Luke to help me out this one last time, but I’ve already put that kid through so godsdamned much.  I bet I’ve fucking scarred him by now … Take care of him for me, would ya?          Yeah, see, here I am askin’ favors ‘cause that’s all I ever fucking do.  M’sorry for that, too.  I … I won’t be around to do it myself is all, Lando.  He’s a bright kid—kinda like how we were when we were kids.  I see a lot of me in him—see a lot of you, too.❞  A few low chuckles, then a sharp sniffle.  

❝Lando … I didn’t mean to lie to you.  I know Luke was the one who caved ‘n told you what’s really going on with me.  You’re probably on a plane right now.  But, by the time you get here, I’ll           I’ll be gone.❞

❝…Hell.❞    ❝I know it’s too late.  I’ve put you through hell ‘n back.  But this’ll be the last time.  With how things’ve played out, it’s probably better this way.❞ 

❝I’m sorry.❞      ❝I love you.❞