#and im screaming im screaming but no noise is coming out the soot is choking me the ashes are all that’ll be left
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#pro tip#do not use online recommended tips for controlling your anxiety#they told me to read a fucking poem i liked to get my mind off shit#and now im breathing wrong and crying and shaking and clammy for two reasons#it wasnt even a sad poem or anything it is one thats always brought me joy#but like thats the thing about depression its gonna make you not enjoy the things you love#and you forget how to love them because it takes your memories your thoughts it takes everything#and iky im like this its anxiety its depression its a (open) secret third thing thats worse than both combined#and i cant will it away with a lovely poem at least not this one maybe but every pretty word i can think of rn#they taste acrid its burning my throat it feels like the worst heart burn yet because it feels like my heart is on fire#and the smoke is suffocating me from the inside out#and im screaming im screaming but no noise is coming out the soot is choking me the ashes are all that’ll be left#i wonder if i’ll be exhausted extinguished still existing by the end of this#because i have to believe theres an end even tho i cant see it rn#its like god in a sense because i have to have faith in the ever unknown#but i have a shitty relationship with religion with devotion specifically#i cant like myself much less want better for her#i miss the person i was before#i see pictures and i looked happy and i was bigger but i miss her#every year i mourn the person i was and the person i couldve been and i hope the best for who i might be but i dont have any hope myself#anyway wake me up when september ends please i need to put this month behind me#more than that im a coward and i was raised in a nonconfrontational household that never resolves issues just#spend three days being weird and moody w each other and then pretending like it never happened#i was set up w the generational trauma and homosexuality like pick a struggle god said no <3
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