be careful you guys, there are sickos out there that memorize ciphers, alphabets, and writing systems for fun. and they LIKE it

So, another thing I’ve been putting off writing but really, really want to get off my chest. Edelgard is not some feminist icon. Let’s just ignore the waifu pandering, and I’ll explain why.

When it comes to Edelgard, the game frames her as someone in service to ideals. Her throwing away her humanity and assuming a monstrous form at the end of AM is proof of how far she is willing to go in doing so. But as I’ve talked about before, when you look at The Edge of Dawn’s lyrics you really get the sense that Edelgard does not want to go through with this war. She wants to remain in her “peaceful” academy days, where she can be herself and not the “mask” she has become that comes with her “blackened heart”. That last line, to me, would indicate how she knows what she is doing is wrong and her lines about “fearing the edge of dawn” and how “time betrays” shows her blaming something else for what she will do in a childish manner.

That said, we have her believing that Fodlan needs to be ruled by a strong emperor and that people need to rely on themselves rather than other sources of strength. This gets a little muddied in the translation, where Edelgard gives that big speech about how people doesn’t need gods if they support each other and endings saying that she made the people free and independent. Compare this to the Japanese version, where it’s about people being self-reliant aka not relying on others and instead relying on themselves. You look at her saying the Church is bad because it abuses people’s faith and altered history, but then Edelgard is shown in CF exclusive endings taking over the Church and is shown to lie when it’s convenient for her. She’s willing to have others do things to support her while she takes the credit, and again is willing to turn herself into a monster to win despite her talk about how great humans are. In the Japanese version, she talks about how she wants to put Fodlan back as it was, but her rule goes against what Wilhelm wanted in that version when she’s not talking about how he was “tricked” and “betrayed humanity.”

If anything, the ideal she serves most of all is that Fodlan needs to be reunited under a strong, authoritarian ruler. Everything else is just her being a hypocrite, using flowery language to make herself look better.

And when I think about what turned her into this, it leads back to three men.

* You have Thales, who experimented on her in order to create a weapon against Rhea.

* You have Ionius, the source of the version of history she believes in. The version of history that spurs her into action, gives her ideals, and who according to CF was a puppet of Thales and the Slithers.

* You have Hubert, the guy who does her black ops stuff, who convinced her to work with TWSITD, who said he came up with the name of TWSITD when that same name was used during Loog’s rebellions, who is depicted as an Agarthan Dark Mage in Cipher, and manages to “know” the location of where the Agarthan base is in VW/SS to send you after Thales. Is he a secret Slither, a modern day version of Loog’s Pan? Maybe, but there’s little doubt with him doing the dirty work for Edelgard she doesn’t know all that is being done to support her. She doesn’t know the specifics of the bribes and threats Hubert arranges, just what they get her. Add corruption to her list of hypocrisies.

At the end of the day, I don’t see a strong woman. I see a traumatized girl pushed down this path by three older men around her, two of which she puts a lot of trust into. I see a massive hypocrite who can’t back up what she’s preaching with actions. I see someone willing to sign off on various atrocities in pursuit of her goals, refuses to take responsibility and then blames others for what happens.

I don’t see someone worth looking up to.

I’m slipping from top 100 Axe Boy but you know what wake me up when they make the game fair to hunters

Let me just get some things straight here about how it’s not fair:

So you have 5 ciphers, 4 survivors, 1 hunter. Most survivors spawn next to ciphers, and the ones that don’t, they know where the ciphers are and can get to them quickly.

Meanwhile the hunter, they are not supposed to spawn right next to survivors. Sometimes they spawn near survivors, which is good. But then the kiting begins. You literally only need to be DECENT at kiting to get 60 seconds, or at least almost. Doesn’t seem like a big deal, right? Well, it takes only around 70 seconds to complete a cipher alone. Combined with the time it takes for the hunter to FIND a survivor, and the time it takes to chair the survivor, that’s about 2 ciphers done with only one person just being put on the chair. If everyone is decoding except the kiter, then that’s 3 ciphers done! More than halfway there while the hunter has barely gotten started.

Now, that’s only if the survivor is of basic kiting skill. If they are a really good kiter, they could kite you for even MORE ciphers! Not to mention some characters are faster at decoding (admittedly the meta now seems to have less decoder characters, but even then the decoding speed is fast if they’re well coordinated, and slower decoders make up for the decoding speed by slowing down the hunter’s ability to eliminate other survivors)

So you have one person on a chair, and 3-2 ciphers left. Someone will probably go rescue the person you chaired, making you have 0 chaired survivors and not much time left. If you have skill you can try to use your chaired survivor as bait for terror shocks or whatever other skills will get someone knocked down without rescuing. A good rescuer will be able to avoid that however, and even if you do manage to do that, by that time there will only be about 1-2 ciphers remaining. They will rescue at least one person and almost be done. You can always try to disrupt their decoding, but there’s always more ciphers and more survivors.

They’ll pop that cipher and be out in no time. Seriously the gate opening speed doesn’t feel very fast when ur survivor but when ur hunter it���s like “ALREADY???” At best you’ll get one kill or a tie. And guess what? While those survivors are taunting you at the gate, you can’t surrender. The average game doesn’t LAST long enough to surrender. Isn’t that a little ridiculous? I want them to balance the game a bit so that this stuff doesn’t happen but I’ll also accept it if they just let us surrender earlier, I want to get to another match not watch these guys emoting at the gate.

Now I’m not saying it’s impossible to win as hunter. If your skills outmatch theirs, or they make a lot of mistakes, or you get lucky, then you can win. I’m also not saying that I just suck as hunter, I have over 60% win rate even including the times I purposefully lost or tied just to get another match (listen I only want badges and I can’t play my main on certain maps lol) and not that this is total proof of skill but I am in the top 100 for Axe Boy and have been for... kind of a long time now (at LEAST a month) tho as I said I’m slipping (it’s mostly from taking breaks tbh)

I have some strategies to try to deal with this garbage (my big one is try to get every survivor involved) (also best map for Axe Boy has gotta be red church) but like. Looking at the numbers this just... doesn’t seem fair. Even the surrender time doesn’t think the game should be over so soon.

And maybe it wouldn’t be such a big problem if IT DIDNT MATCH TARANTULAS WITH MAMMOTHS. THAT IS AN ACTUAL MATCHING IVE HEARD OF. The worst I’ve ever been matched was like low tier cobra vs mammoths also tarantula vs elks, but there’s a lot of unfair matchings going on. I do GREAT when paired with my own tier, even if only one survivor is in my tier, but... a lot of times, they just aren’t...

Netease fix at least ONE of these issues I’m BEGGING you even if it’s just making you able to surrender faster just FIX UR GAME FOR HUNTERS DANG IT

YEAR OF THE GHOST DOG

[TL;DR version for the New Yorker -- I loved many great short songs and became obsessed with (1) a very old, much longer one (2) and YouTube comments this year.]  [links to previous year’s lists at the bottom]

A while back, I found myself in an extended funk. The reasons are uninteresting and honestly a bit dumb, a mix of everyday bummers and more existential stuff, all of which manifested in a kind of 360º sluggishness. I couldn’t really figure my way out of it but I believed that I would eventually stop feeling this way.

One night, I saw that someone online was selling a copy of the Emulations “These Are the Things,” a magnificent soul ballad 7″ out of Oakland. I wasn’t exactly homesick for the Bay Area, but something about the song’s roots, as well as its overwhelming feeling of optimistic yearning, resonated with (through?) me. There’s a moment when the singer’s falsetto peaks, and the piano starts cascading, and things feel like they’re going to work out after all. The copy for sale wasn’t in great shape, and it cost $100, an extravagant amount of money to spend on a piece of music. But I convinced myself that I’d feel better at some point, weeks, months, or years later, and I’d listen to my Emulations single, and recall that weird summer/fall.

As often happened with independently produced records of the sixties and seventies, “These Are the Things” was pressed on styrene, rather than vinyl. Styrene is a kind of plastic that’s lighter, cheaper and much more fragile than vinyl, and you can tell the difference by a kind of hollow plink when you put it on a turntable. Styrene also means that it has a limited life, and that each time the needle drags across its grooves, the record degrades a little bit. Over time, styrene records that get played a lot no longer sound as crisp or clear (or so it seems). I listened to it once it arrived, feeling a bit of regret at this wild expenditure, but also imagining my future self’s gratitude. I imagined entering into communion with everyone who had played this copy before me. I decided to only listen to the song once a year, if that--after all, each time I listened to the record, the song was changing, slightly.

A few months later, I felt normal (whatever that means) again, and the record became a marker of...I’m not sure what--maybe a kind of blind, stubborn optimism. Someone years later uploaded the song onto YouTube, which means I can listen to it whenever I want. This fall, I was trying and failing to spend less time on the Internet. But I decided that, instead of going on Twitter and Facebook, I would just read comments fans left on YouTube. I became obsessed with reading all the intimate histories people shared with one another--the chance encounters, the teenage dates and breakups, the seventies shop owners who recalled the days when stocking the right hit single could cover an entire month’s rent. I was listening to the Emulations when I noticed this comment, from Deric Jackson, who was apparently one of the group’s members: “I sung this song when I was 19yrs old. It was a pleasure to record and send this messageout into the airways. I have been with the women that God had given me to marry when I was 22yrs old. I did not understand at that time I was singing about my own life and the women who I had not met, but how wonderful it is to be with my wife fo 35yrs and life is still a breath of fresh air and wonderful. I would like to say to all real men love your wife, never worship her only one to worship is God alone.“ I’m pretty agnostic about most things relating to providence. But I felt as though I had been living in these words: “I did not understand at that time...” Jackson’s song was a prophecy, maybe even a conjuring, of his own path, and I wonder what he hears when he listens to it now. Sometimes you don’t know what’s coming next. But there’s always another song, and it doesn’t always sound the same as the last time.

(LATE 2017 BUT I REALLY DOUBT ANYONE NOTICED AKA THE FRENCH “MO BAMBA”) Junior Bvndo, “T’as ça #3 (Kylian Mbappe)”

I WILL LISTEN TO ANYTHING THAT USES DISTORTION Sheck Wes, “Wanted” OR OLD SCHOOL STABS Santi feat. Shane Eagle and Amaarae, “Rapid Fire” EVEN MORE THAN THAT, I LIKE THINGS THAT SOUND MESSY AND SLOPPY BUT ARE ACTUALLY PERFECT Caleb Giles featuring Cleo Reed, “Name” WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN AS GOOD AS IF IT HAD BEEN PERFECT, THE WARPED AND SMUDGED BEAUTY IS WHAT MAKES IT BEAUTIFUL Tirzah, Devotion Niagara, Apologia SAME, BUT SLIGHTLY OFF-STEP Blood Orange, “Charcoal Baby” THE BEST GENRE OF MUSIC REMAINS “SADE” Sade, “Flower of the Universe” and “The Big Unknown” Amber Mark, “Love is Stronger Than Pride” Bon Iver and Moses Sumney, “By Your Side” Kelela, “Like a Tattoo” 808s AND HEARTBREAK AND NEAR-OCTOGENERIANS Swamp Dogg, “She’s All Mind All Mind” I WASN’T AS ENAMORED WITH A LOT OF “NEW JAZZ” BUT DID LIKE Sam Wilkes, Wilkes Sam Gendel and Sam Wilkes, Music for Saxofone & Bass Guitar …WHICH REMINDED ME A BIT OF THIS FACEMELTING REISSUE (RIYL: ALICE COLTRANE, DON CHERRY, ETC ETC) John Tchicai, With Strings SPEAKING OF TERRIFIC JAZZ-ADJACENT STUFF Dos Santos, “Manos Anjenas” THE ORIGINAL “BIG MOOD” Okonkolo, Cantos THE YEAR I REALLY REKINDLED MY LOVE OF THE CELLO Clarice Jensen, For This From That Will Be Filled Oliver Coates, “A Church” …WHICH I DEFINITELY PREFER TO VIOLIN--ESP PIZZICATO--THOUGH THIS WAS QUITE GOOD Sudan Archives, “Nont for Sale” HARPS ALWAYS SOUND GOOD Leya, The Fool Meg Baird and Mary Lattimore, Ghost Forests ALWAYS HAVE TIME FOR WOODBLOCKS AND VIBES Kate NV, для FOR AS WELL AS MIAMI BASS SIGNIFIERS (KICKSTARTER FOR CITY GIRLS TO RAP OVER DJ BATTLECAT IN 2019) City Girls, “Act Up” AND BANJO DRONE...WHY NOT Nathan Bowles, Plainly Mistaken ALBUMS THAT I LIKED IN 2018, AND THAT I SENSE I WILL LIKE EVEN MORE BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR Ben LaMarr Gay, Downtown Castles Can Never Block the Sun Neneh Cherry, Broken Politics AN ALBUM THAT I WISH WAS TEN ALBUMS Tierra Whack, Whack World AN ALBUM I WISH WAS JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER Pusha-T, Daytona OF THE MANY REASONS I MOURN THE DEATH OF “THE ALBUM,” ONE IS THAT I ALWAYS LIKE TO HEAR WHAT PEOPLE DO WITH THAT LAST SONG YG, “Bomptown Finest” OR HOW ALBUMS, FULL OF SIGNS, ANGLES, FLEETING MOMENTS, CIRCULATE AND RE-CIRCULATE Angelique Kidjo, Remain in Light AND HOW THEY ARE LIKE WHAT NOVELS REPRESENTED IN THE AGE OF POETRY—OPPORTUNITIES TO LIVE INSIDE COMPLEXITY, SPACE, A DEMOS U.S. Girls, In a Poem Unlimited ONE OF THE BEST ALBUMS OF THE YEAR WAS A SOUNDTRACK... Kendrick Lamar et al, Black Panther AND TEASER FOR  Jay Rock, Redemption AND ANOTHER WAS JUST SOME RAP SONGS Earl Sweatshirt, Some Rap Songs WHICH ISN’T TO SAY ARTISTS DON’T STILL VALUE AND HAVE FUN WITH THE FORMAT Vince Staples, FM A TWENTY-FIVE TRACK ADVENTURE INTO VIBES Pink Siifu, ensley AND SOMETIMES TWENTY MINUTES OR SO IS ENOUGH boygenius, boygenius ONE MORE ALBUM THING – FIRST SONGS HAVE ALWAYS FELT LIKE THESIS STATEMENTS, AND STREAMING HAS ONLY APPLIED MORE PRESSURE TO THE SOOTHING, BEWITCHING, PERFECT WELCOME Mac Miller, “Come Back to Earth” MAC MILLER AND THUNDERCAT LOOK SO HAPPY HERE whole thing, but esp six minutes in, and even more so about nine minutes in THE BEST VIBES Show Dem Camp feat. Boj and Ajebutter 22, “Damiloun” Koffee, “Toast” HAPPY-GO-LUCKY B/W DEVIL-MAY-CARE Shoreline Mafia, “Nun Major” I LIKE NEF AND EPs PERFECTLY SUIT HIM Nef the Pharaoh and 03 Greedo, Porter 2 Grape 

RAPPING AS FAST AS YOU CAN OVER FREESTYLE/HI-NRG WILL NEVER SOUND BAD TO ME… SOB X RBE, “Paid in Full” SOB X RBE, “Carpoolin’” …ALTHOUGH THEY ALSO SOUND SICK OVER FAKE GHOST DOG BEATS, TOO, THIS WAS ONE OF MY SONGS OF THE YEAR SOB X RBE, “Paramedic!” SAME WITH MEDHANE Medhane, “The Garden” TRIPPIE REDD PUTS OUT A LOT OF MUSIC FILLED WITH TRANSCENDENT MOMENTS, BUT RARELY MAKES TRANSCENDENT SONGS, AND IT PAINS ME A BIT THAT MY FAVORITE SONG OF HIS THIS YEAR WAS Diplo featuring Trippie Redd, “Wish” TRIPPY-ASS DOO-WOP Cuco, “Sunnyside” A STRONG HARMONY IS A VISION OF WHAT LIFE COULD BE Ben Pirani, “How Do I Talk to My Brother?” WHERE WERE U IN 94 Young Echo, Young Echo SWEAR I'VE NEVER HEARD MUSIC THIS “GREY” ManOnMars, ManOnMars IF YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE A FAKE D’ANGELO SONG, IT SHOULD BE THIS GOOD Patrick Paige III, “Voodoo” LIKED THIS, BUT IT’S ALSO POSSIBLE TO BE A BIT TOO FAITHFUL TO THE PAST Teyana Taylor, “Hold On” NOT QUITE FAYE WONG DOING THE CRANBERRIES (RIP DOLORES O’RIORDAN) BUT STILL MEMORABLE Katherine Ho, “Yellow” LIKE THE BEST PARTS OF FEELS-ERA ANIMAL COLLECTIVE, BUT TAIWANESE Prairie WWWW

NEVER THOUGHT TO VISIT THE LOUVRE UNTIL The Carters, “Apeshit” video BROWN EXCELLENCE Humeysha, Departures "BROWN BEATS” FOREVER RIP Cameron Paul

MY FAVORITE DISCOVERY OF THE YEAR Pharoah Sanders playing “Kazuko” in a tunnel near the Marin Headlands LIKE NONE OF ITS INFLUENCES (FOOTWORK, AMBIENT), LIKE NOTHING ELSE OUT THERE, REALLY Foodman, Aru Otoko No Densetsu DARESAY SKI MASK WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN BOOED OUT OF THE CIPHER Ski Mask the Slump God, Beware the Book of Eli THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON I’VE SEEN ON THE BIG SCREEN AT THE PAST THREE YEARS’ NETS GAMES IS Young M.A., “PettyWap” DEMOS FROM A GROUP I HAVE ALWAYS ADORED, BEFORE THEY FOUND THE SOUND THAT I ADORE The Nonce, 1990 EXTREMELY GOOD AND LARGELY OVERLOOKED REISSUE Suzanne Menzel, Goodbyes and Beginnings FOUR TET IS GOING THROUGH HIS LIVE ARCHIVES, AND IT’S A TREAT TO STUDY HIS ARC/EVOLUTION  Live at Hultsfred Festival, 18th June 2004 Live at LPR New York, 17th February 2010 Live in Tokyo, 1st December 2013 Live at Funkhaus Berlin, 10th May 2018 STRANGE TO LIVE IN A MOMENT WHERE BEING WEIRD SEEMS A BIT DERIVATIVE. STILL, THIS IS BLISSFUL SahBabii, “Anime World” HAPPY FACE Smino, “Klink” SAD FACE Drake, “In My Feelings” (especially this version) “JIM FROM THE OFFICE” FACE Pusha-T, “The Story of Adidon” STOLE YOUR FACE Sophie, “Faceshopping” FACE/OFF YG and Mozzy, “Too Brazy” Sammy Bananas feat Antony and Cleopatra, “Slow Down” Kode 9 and Burial, Fabriclive 100 GASSED FACE E-40 and B-Legit, “Whooped" ABSOLUTELY FACEMELTING Todd Barton and Ursula K. Le Guin, Music and Poetry of the Kesh VACATION AWAY MESSAGE SiR, “D’Evils” Bad Bunny x PJ Sin Suela x Nejo, “Cual Es Tu Plan” BEST OPENING DISCLAIMER TO A VIDEO 808INK, “Come Down” “TAGS: LATIN CHORAL CUMBIA GOTH LOS ANGELES” San Cha, “Cosmic Ways”

BEST USE OF “OOCHIE WALLY,” STILL ONE OF MY FAVORITE BEATS EVER Stefflon Don, “Oochie Wally freestyle” BEST USE OF “SUPERTHUG” Rico Nasty, “Countin’ Up” EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS--THE HEADBANG MINIMALISM, THE LAS VEGAS WALGREENS--BUT ESPECIALLY THE LINE ABOUT WELLS FARGO Rico Nasty, “Trust Issues” “ORGASM ADDICT” (RIP PETE SHELLEY) Victor Oladipo, “One Day” “I JUST TOOK A FLIGHT TO FRANCE TO COP CARDIGANS” Black Thought and Styles P, “Making a Murderer” “AT THE EMIRATES I MILLY ROCK” Manzo and Malachi Amour, “Lingard” DOPE TUNE, AND UNEXPECTED KELLYANNE CONWAY REFERENCE JPEGMAFIA, “1539 N. Calvert” YEAH YEAH YEAH (RIP MARK E SMITH) Travis Scott and Drake, “Sicko Mode” R-E-S-P-E-C-T (RIP ARETHA FRANKLIN) Rosalia, El Mal Querer REEL DEAL, “DRIPPIN’ DOPE (SAXAPELLA)” (1989) Gunna, “Top Off” WAMP WAMP (WHAT IT DO) B/W WAIT (THE WHISPER SONG) Vallee feat. Jeremih, “Womp Womp” SAD REGGAETON IS NOT BAD Bad Bunny, “Solo De Mi” SOUNDS GOOD TO ME, 2002-PRESENT Temani, “Power” Westerman, “Confirmation” REAL LIES, POET LAUREATS OF “YOUNG PEOPLE THINKING ABOUT BEING OLD” Tom Demac and Real Lies, “White Flowers” A SONG DESIGNED TO SOUND LIKE IT CAME OUT THIRTY YEARS AGO, WHICH ALSO FEELS LIKE IT CAME OUT A MILLION YEARS AGO (IT WAS JUST JANUARY) Bruno Mars feat. Cardi B, “Finesse (remix)” TAY-K WAS JUST A YEAR AGO Comethazine, “Highriser” FAVORITE 2 BRIDGES MUSIC ARTS “MIGHT AS WELL” RANDOM PURCHASE OF THE YEAR  Kizaki Ondo Preservation Society and Clark Naito, 木崎音頭 Kizaki Ondo FEELS LIKE IT CAME OUT TEN YEARS AGO (IT WAS JUST JAN/FEB) BUT I NEVER GREW TIRED OF IT Rich the Kid, “Plug Walk” ODDLY REASSURING THAT PEOPLE STILL JANGLE Massage, “Oh Boy” Earth Dad, “Walter” ...AND DISCOVER WORLDS FROM WITHIN THEIR BEDROOMS Soccer Mommy, Clean ...AND EXPLORE THE CONTOURS OF GROWLING AND NAGGING Sada Baby and Drego, “Bloxk Party” ...AND CAN USE THE PAST TO MAKE SOMETHING SO VISIONARY AND FORWARD-THINKING Virginia Wing, Ecstatic Arrow Mitski, Be A Cowboy ...AND LOOKING FOR FOURTH WORLDS Arp, Zebra ...AND MAKE IMPOSSIBLE RHYTHMS Heavee, WFM ...AND THAT ARTISTS I HAD NEVER HEARD OF, WORKING IN IDIOMS I HAD NEVER HEARD OF, MIGHT STILL BLOW MY MIND Odunsi (the Engine), rare. JUNGLE LIVES X-Altera, “Blowing Up the Workshop” mix TOP THREE TIMES I SAW STANDING ON THE CORNER THIS YEAR 3 - The Merciful Allah Black Hole Theatre 2 - The Time it All Ended with Fireworks on Grand St. 1 - An Empty Storefront During a Blizzard

{HONORABLE MENTIONS -The Time They Brought a Monolith -THEME DE YE-YO [Respect to the Gods]} SONG OF THE SPRING, SUMMER, WINTER, YEAR,  STILL UNDEFEATED ### A CHURCH AND JOHN LENNON’S “IMAGINE” :: 2017 SIKH DEVOTIONAL MUSIC :: 2016 SPOOKY BLACK :: 2015

noteable stuff that has happened at my school

"The whole school smelled like Bubble Guppies"

I tried to open a can of spray paint that was a little stuck and the cap responded by flying like 10 feet away

"the paint is dry, but is it smely"

classwide discussion on human VS dakotaraptor

mutual agreement that human < bby dakotaraptor

Dustin (my art teacher) eating macaroni & waving at the camera in the background of b-roll footage i was shooting of the art room

digging graves behind the school

(jk they were actually garden beds but everyone kept calling them graves)

me becoming "the girl with with timmies" cuz apparently every notices if you get timmies every day

my first day in art class dustin excitedly talked to anyone who came in the room about the block of wood he found

the giant centipede i found while repotting one of the other teacher's plants

the frog that we found in the healing garden that one time

The ensuing chaos when everyone in class heard "theres a frog outside!"

I accidentally left "tell people you are antman" on a horticulture project

"spray painting in a snow storm will create an effect on the paint that will become a recognizeable style that makes us famous n people will be like 'how do you get that effect!?' and--"

worms in cup

everyone (including me) finding out my cactus is like 80 years old

"ive done gardening twice and only just now realized that is asparagus"

i drew a lil bill cipher on the desk in math & the next day someone had drawn another beside it

i got bored so i repaired a 5.5g fish tank & gave it to Aiden the betta in the gardening class as a replacement for his old 1g tank

me: *stands up*

my joints: crckckckkkckckkc

everyone in gardening, day 53 of this: *does not even bat an eye anymore*

me, day 1 of art class: *stands up*

my joints: crckckkckckeckckerckkckk

someone: oh my GOd did you guys HEAR that?????

dude: did you make this?

me: 👍🏻

dude: 👌🏻

The fact that in quite a few school photos im like a cryptid in the background, eating pie or unintentionally doin the bigfoot pose or smthn

That one project on crows i did that had a page that was just "What's Their Damage?" With a picture of a crow holding a knife, which i got an A on btw

REPTILES ARE COMING

this school is in between a fire station, church, prison, & RCMP base that is surrounded by barbed wire fence. no one ever mentions it. I tried to bring it up Once. I dont remember how the conversation ended.

"Let me help you out with some dots, brother"

My Favorite Stuff from 2017

It’s been a tough one, but there was a lot of awesome stuff that made it easier. Here are some of my favorites in no particular order.

DAMN by Kendrick Lamar, Album - The World felt different once this was in it. Kenny’s 4th release proved he’s just as thoughtful, agile, and hungry as ever.

everyone’s a aliebn when ur a aliebn too by Johnny Sun, Book - You can go through this hybrid graphic novel/picture-book in one sitting, but there’s so much to chew on here that I recommend taking time with this story, which follows Jomny, a misspelling aliebn sent to earth to study human behavior. The brief, direct interactions simply, & hilariously reveal everything beautiful and tragic about what it is to be alive.  

Abstract: The Art of Design, Series - This Netflix series drops you into the lives of 6 masterful creators moving through subcultures of artistry (i.e Footwear Design, Illustration, Stage Design). Each revealing their varying methods, ideas, and joys about creativity. The standout episode follows Christoph Niemann, an illustrator for the New Yorker, and his blue-collar approach to his work.

Game of Thrones: The Spoils of War, TV Series - Though this season was rushed, clumsy and arguably unrecognizable from the compelling and prestigious drama that has unprecedentedly impacted our culture, you won’t find a more gripping hour of television. You know a show is wilding out when you don’t know who the hell to even root for anymore (Get em, Drogo! Wait, not Bronn! Wait, not the incestuous child killer!)

Insecure: Season 2, TV Series - The show you didn’t know you needed. Issa Rae’s hilarious dramedy paints a picture of what it’s like to be young, ambitious, unapologetic, lonely, intelligent, sexy, successful, and losing.

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Season 4, TV Series - Oliver’s weekly recap simultaneously manages to be enlightening, funny, depressing, and hopeful. His takedown of Alex Jones was one of the most satisfying things I consumed all year.

Do Not Disturb by Drake, Song - the final track of More Life, a surprise ‘mixtape’, samples ‘Time’ by Snoh Alegra, and is one of his most personal songs to date. Without a chorus, he raps for 3 minutes about not needing romance, fear of irrelevancy, and the quickening passage of time. Gracefully shifting between insecurity and arrogance with dizzying fervor, Aubrey continues to capture the emotional woes of an entire generation.

Get Out, Film - Jordan Peele’s directorial film debut is the rare instant classic, and it’s not because it has one of the most crowd-pleasing endings of all time. The satirical, social commentary cloaked in the guise of a horror comedy, refuses definition, and peels back layers of race, and class previously untouched in cinema.

Melodrama by Lorde, Album - With a kajillion pounds of pressure on her shoulders to follow up one of the best pop debuts of all time, Ella delivers. She croons on top of Jack Antonoff’s unruly production about heartbreak, fame, and the feeble impact of acclaim. As one Twitterer put it “I gain an extra chromosome when the beat drops in ‘Sober II’.

mother!, Film - I can’t say I enjoyed this movie because it was the second most excruciating sit I had at the theater all year (kudos to Justice League), but it left me SHOOK. It’s clearly allegorical, but what makes it masterful is that the way you take this movie in is colored almost entirely by your own personal experiences.

Master of None: Season 2, TV Series - A perfect double-feature to Insecure (give me a shared universe where Dev and Issa are a power couple). Ansari’s relentlessly entertaining series accomplishes what every second season strives for. It tops the first, while redefining and expanding itself. The show is tirelessly committed to the experiences of ‘others’ (a deaf person, a lesbian, a non-believing muslim, service workers in NYC etc.) It’ll leave you crying, laughing, and hungry.

Split, Film - When we’re lucky, films hit ya with “SURPRISE, muthafucka” moments that Jesus himself would not see coming. Shyamalan’s second hit in a row (after a run of all time duds) ends with one 17 years in the making. The iconic villain terrifyingly played with razor-sharp swiftness by the world-class James McAvoy is the icing on the cake.

Isaiah Thomas, Athlete - If not for Russell Westbrook’s record breaking response to Kevin Durant’s betrayal, the “King in the Fourth” takes home the MVP. Watching him play through tears the day after his sister died in a car accident will stay with me forever. His 53 point performance on her birthday a few weeks later starkly reminded me of the unifying, powerful spirit of sport.

Moonlight’s Best Picture Win - I’ll begin by saying that I really liked La La Land. A month after we swore in Don, we got it wrong again… psych! I’ll never forget the roller coaster of emotion that came over me in this moment. Barry Jenkin’s tale told through 3 untraditional acts (titled ‘Little’, ‘Chiron’ & ‘Black’) was gorgeously shot, flawlessly acted, and supremely helmed. It arrived at a time we needed it most and Mahershala Ali FINALLY got his shine.

Coco, Film - We got one shot this year, and we NAILED it. This breathtaking portrait of Mexican culture demands to be seen on the big screen and illuminates the importance of dreams, family, and tradition. No manches!

‘No Man’s Land’ scene in Wonder Woman - There were two times in the theater this year that I felt that sinking drop of a roller coaster in my belly, this was one of them. Gal Gadot and Patty Jenkins must be emboldened and protected at all cost.

Woody Harrelson, Actor - The rare movie-star actor quietly had a phenomenal year, further etching the grooves of his name into Hollywood lore. His turns in The Glass Castle, The War for the Planet of the Apes, and Three Billboards in Ebbing Missouri prove he’s STILL at the top of his game. I’m shocked that his heartbreaking portrayal of a drifting, alcoholic yet whimsical and passionate father in The Glass Castle hasn’t gotten more attention.

S - Town, Podcast - The colder you go into this one, the better. All I’ll say is that you’ll step away from this one feeling some type of way about people, the feeble sustainability of the planet, and clocks.

The World Series, Sports - The. Best. Ever. After being devastated by Hurricane Harvey, the Astros grant Houstonians some restoration via their first World Series Championship in a thrilling 7-game series that was literally witnessed by the World.

The Keepers, Documentary Series- This 7 episode series documenting the varying controversies surrounding the Catholic Church left me epiphanized about what it means to remove the seemingly impenetrable powers of institutions. Targeting one single individual, or a group of individuals or an organization won’t get it done. We must take down the viral ideas themselves.

Bladerunner 2049, Film - Aside from being wondrously constructed technically (you won’t see better production design or cinematography - give Deakins his Oscar now dammit), this story about a robot serves up a surprising amount of soul. Denis Villeneuve, solidifying his auteur status, delivers a nostalgic yet entirely unique follow up to the beloved sci fi classic.

‘Throne Room’ scene in The Last Jedi - This was the other time I felt like I was falling in the theater. Despite considerable problems, Rian Johnson showed us stuff we’ve never seen before in the SW universe. It’s the showdown you dream about as a kid.

The Big Sick, film - Kumail Nanjiani’s autobiographical story of how he met his lover is sorta the woke edition of Meet The Parents. Like Dev on MON, Kumail struggles to blaze trails while upholding loyalty to family and falls in love for a white girl along the way. Ray Romano and Holly Hunter turn in a pair of the year’s best performances.

Big Little Lies, Mini Series - I resisted the marketing for this one initially: dissatisfied, rich folk in Monterey. But the re-teaming of Jean-Marc Vallée (Wild, Dallas Buyers Club, Demolition) & Reese Witherspoon seemed promising. Momentum grew with each weekly installment (I overheard people theorizing whodoneit in restaurants), which is refreshing in the Netflix age. The leads are all stellar (believe the hype about Kidman) and Zoe Kravitz proves she should be working more.

Creature Comfort by Arcade Fire, Song - A painful examination of youth that’s equally heartbreaking and melodic.

Homecoming Season 2 - The fictional podcast about the remnants of a government coverup of a failed rehabilitation program for distressed veterans makes some questionable narrative choices in it’s second season and Oscar Isaac is absent throughout most of it (likely due to a loaded schedule). He does “appear” at the end of the second episode ‘CIPHER’, in a brilliant usage of audio storytelling, and it left me in puddles.

Mindhunter, TV Series - We all know Fincher is a technical maestro, but I don’t think he gets enough credit for being a complete storyteller, which he clearly is. The 13-episode made-to-binge Netflix series based off the book by the same name follows Holden Ford, an idealistic FBI profiler, and Bill Tench, played by Holt McCallany subverting every macho character role he’s ever taken on as a highly intelligent, hardened fed, as they attempt to break ground on our understandings of serial murderers. All of Fincher’s trademarks are there with sprinkled elements of Seven, & Zodiac.

Tyler the Creator’s Tiny Desk Concert, Podcast - I enjoyed ‘Flower Boy’, but didn’t find myself returning to it. That all changed after this. In a year of fantastic TDCs (i.e: Thundercat, Chance the Rapper) Tyler’s stands out. With help from a pair of stellar background singers, his array of talents are on full display, namely: composing and orchestrating melody and harmony.

Colin Kaepernick, Athlete - it’s not about the flag or the military don’t @ me.

20th Century Women, Film - Released wide in January, it remains one of the year’s best. Set gorgeously in 1970′s Santa Barbara, Mike Mills’ deeply personal tribute to motherhood, women, & outcasts overflows with heart.

Kamala Harris, (D) CA Senator - She is so bad, can we get started on the 2020 bumper stickers now?

What Now by Sylvan Esso, Album - ‘Hey Mami’ from their 2014 debut popped up on my Pandora one day and I was IN. Amelia Meath’s angelic vocals layered over Nick Sanborn’s unpredictable production is sublime. The “Echo Mountain Sessions” include dope af live recordings of the album’s standout tracks.

Logan, Film - The Wolverine movie we deserve also features a star-making performance from Dafne Keen and an unrecognizable Professor X. With a decade between the last time he inhabited his iconic portrayal of Charles Xavier, Sir Patrick Stewart strides (wheels?) back into the role with award worthy tact.

Fargo Season 3, TV Series - The best season yet and that’s really saying something. David Thewlis is haunting as Varga, the creepiest, most frightening villain in the series’ history and a collection of top-tier thespians rounds out the rest of the cast. There’s also a moment in one of the later episodes similar to the ending of ‘Split’ that’s a real delight.  

Mr. Robot Season 3, TV Series - Showrunner Sam Esmail moves us through this complex dystopia, which has begun to bear resemblance to our reality lately, with complete CTRL. We see Mr. Robot AND Bobby Canavale like never before. That oner episode is pretty cool too, but it’s not even the season’s best.

Other Notables: Patton Oswalt: Annihilation, Girls Trip, The Leftovers Season 3, Glow, Twin Peaks: The Return, Ingrid Goes West, BEAUTIFUL THUGGER GIRLS by Young Thug, Add Violence by NIN, Good Time, Stranger Things: Season 2, Legion, Dunkirk, Crashing, NO ONE EVER REALLY DIES by N.E.R.D, 4:44 by Jay-Z, Dirty John, Wind River, Dear White People

FYI: I still haven’t seen/listened to a lot of stuff, namely all the big award contending films.

d. Sabela grimes in conversation with Jennie Liu

d. Sabela grimes in conversation with Jennie Liu

I caught d. Sabela grimes in the midst of the Creatrix as they prepare for the World Premiere of ELECTROGYNOUS, “a dynamic testament to the multiple worlds Black people simultaneously inhabit.”

How are rehearsals going?

Rehearsals are going well! Oh man. They are not really rehearsals per se, but more like movement sessions, gatherings.

I was wondering about that. I was at the Grand Performances show, and I was really curious about how improvisation plays into the structure of the work, not only in terms of what you are doing with your bodies and minds physically and conceptually, but also politically. This was actually the last question I was going to ask you, but...

It’s all good, follow your intuition.

Yeah I guess I intuited that improvisation was more to you than just a way to choreograph.

There are several things that are happening. One is that I am in this enduring dialogue with myself about trust. Trusting that I come from these streams of cultural information and these dimensions of knowledge that are operating in street dance communities and Black vernacular dance communities where improvisation plays a key role. Improvisation is at the core of these systems.

You know, if you are doing concert dance you come in contact with different frameworks, different points of view about the utility of improvisation. What improvisation means to people that come from forms where improvisation is not at the core, frames how they think about its utility or value. So I have to trust that I don’t jump into that conversation, but rather look closer and closer and more intimately at how improvisation shows up in the movement practices, cultural practices that I am a part of. And just really trusting it.

And I use that word trust deliberately because there is a lot of anxiety around improvisation. From my times with Puremovement, doing Q+As with the cast as we toured, I had the chance to sit back and observe how people asked Rennie questions. This was a moment in time where hip hop was still very novel in concert dance, so after the show people would wanna ask about improvisation. And through their lens they look at improvisation as being synonymous with unprepared. 

And we come from something that is totally different. You’re not only prepared, more importantly you are ready. For anything. You’re open, you’re sensy, you know? So improvisation is so much about that. From street dance to the cipher, to— as someone that grew up singing gospel— the call and response. When the director decides to extend the song because they are listening and really paying attention and feeling out the vibe of the congregation and we continue to do a certain refrain—it’s so built into the culture. And you have to be ready for that. And there are multiple ways that you get ready for it. And part of what I’m saying is that sometimes you’re not ready. You know what I mean? Sometimes you don’t know what’s gonna come, you can’t predict it. You ready yourself in the moment. And I love that, this approach to improvisation. Its about communicating with the people that I’m collaborating with. In this case all of the performers come from this tradition and have their own take, their own interpretation, their own experiences with it. Which gives what we do in these sessions, aka ‘rehearsals’, in the ‘show’ their own sort of richness.

I’m curious about what you do to get ready. What is the training? Like when you talk about singing in the church when the director wants to do something unrehearsed, you’re drawing as a singer on a common vocabulary and knowledge that you acquire from years of singing in the church. And there are a set of references as a group, that allow you to do that as a group.

Yes, there’s that part of the learning. But what we are talking about extends past technique.

But technique backs it up.

Most definitely.

So the movement practice that you are engaging in with your fellow dancers, your collaborators, if there are rules at play what are those rules? What is the stuff that is not movement, that is also structural, that helps you let go and trust?

Yeah, we’re definitely putting sort of guidelines in place, and some of the guidelines are setting clear and active intention to witness. What is important to me is that since we’re dealing with concepts and intuitions of blackness and gender, I’m really open to the performers points of view. Because I obviously realize we’re not monolithic, and not everyone sees and experiences blackness in the same way and that’s really exciting to me. So one of the things is to really open up the space for people to contemplate that in that in their bodies and in the space, and articulate that with their bodies and their mouths and their gestures.

So I call them movement meditations, but some people call them scores. So for example to generate material one of the performers Jahana came into the space, and I said, “hey there’s someone in the room, someone that’s very dear to you, someone that you can trust someone that you can lean on, someone that you can be vulnerable with. So if that person was in the room with you where they would be?” And she began to lean to her right. It was really beautiful. So I said, “cool so that person is on your right, lets just lean in.” So we started to develop material as if that person was physically there. So she conjures up this image, in this case it was her mother, and she leans on her mom, and really physically leans on this person, and she begins to lean and her body moves and she leans her head, and we go through this sort of series.

And we bring in points of rupture. I’m really into the breaks; hip hop is so much about the breaks. How do we create and experience rupture or a break from this idea, this person? And as she interpreted and translated, we developed this nice little section of ELECTROGYNOUS. And its something that, during the show, what I call the ELECTROYNOUS EXPERIENCE, can kind of fit wherever. Like I haven’t strung everything together yet. And then maybe we can take certain sections and move them sequentially at different times, or maybe its movable vocabulary or ideas that someone else becomes attracted to and wants to put on their body in a different space at a different time. So these are different kinds of guidelines we are playing with.

So you’re describing this present of the absent. That you describe Speculative Fiction at play in your dramaturgy and in your dreaming space, is so cool. You create words, you talk about  process as being a Creatrix, you know? I was listening to NPR this morning to Teri Gross talking about Muhammad Ali and was reminded that there is this great tradition of African American cultural producers creating language. And I’m curious about how that innovation lives  in your movement vocabulary? How you bend and hybridize and otherwise fuck with movement? Because it might not be so clear to people that don’t see a lot of dance and are not reading movement, and are not so fluent in that language.

First of all, going back to Speculative Fiction. The work of Octavia Butler, Samuel Delany, Nalo Hopkinson, listening to the music of Parliament Funkadelic, shoot- Prince, Grace Jones (who plays a big part in these piece), so these people are present. But in this piece I’m playing with this idea of Declarative Realness. So there’s Speculative Fiction, but what I’m saying with ELECTROGYNOUS is that we are not speculating, we’re declaring a type of realness. We’re declaring that there is something real in the visible planes, there is something real and complicated in how complex ideas of gender show up on our bodies. So we are creating physical, mechanical, reproducible movement ideas that speak to this.

So for example in tutting, there are very clean and clear lines and angles, and there is way of presenting that is…  So if there’s a break at my wrist and my palm is down but I’m holding it at a 90 degree angle it doesn’t read as feminine, but if I soften that break and soften the fingers, in many communities—and I’m drawing from Black communities—we read that as a gesture that would point you in the direction of being more feminine, or would question your sexuality. So there’s a tutting section in the piece where I’m purposefully not holding very hard angles, the angles are present but there’s a softening at the joints.  

This is a tangent, but you know Tommy DeFrantz’s idea about ‘corporeal orature’?

Yeah, ‘The Black Beat Made Visible’.

I’m going to have to read that again, but this is making me think about how in dance, there are some bodies that use movement to speak, to communicate—out of necessity, maybe, and there are other cultures—like white post-modernism—that have historically been more interested in bodies evading meaning, to satiate other kinds of needs perhaps. I’m really curious about the ways that cultural identity and background play into form.

So if people argue that the concert stage is historically a white space, and in this country in institutions like universities and colleges there are arrangements between how knowledge is produced in these spaces, and the training, and the pipeline to the concert stage that has excluded so many different dance forms. There are so many people that come through these institutions and are reprogrammed out of the knowledge systems they are most familiar with. You get programmed to see things through a certain frame, because of the power of the institution. You know, “I went to such and such a university and I thought I knew dance and then I went I found out that this is actually what modern dance is,” and you no longer speak your language. There is a real danger in that. You’re colonized in a really interesting way. You just made me think about that with your tangential commentary.

Yeah—getting back on script.

So in this concept of Declarative Realness there is a reality within the overall reality that marginalized groups experience, so in this case there are things that black people experience which they know to be true to them. And what’s really interesting about presenting some of these ideas on stage is its legibility. How legible it is? Part of it is surrendering that it’s not going to be legible. Maybe things that operate as true to us in our real lives don’t make sense from a different point of logic. So when I talk about being electrogynous some people are really easy to point to like a Prince or a Grace Jones or an Octavia Butler. Then there are those people that are less easy….  so have you seen this film Friday? With Ice Cube?

Yeah… yeah I have. Like recently actually.

You’ve seen it recently?

Yeah it was on in a motel and we watched it.

Ok so there’s character named Big Worm.

Which one is that?

Well usually he’s always looking for his money, and he drives a convertible ’61 Impala, and he’s got rollers in his hair. And people that are from LA: you’re not gonna think anything weird about that because you’ve seen really hard core, around your way gangsta type dudes with rollers in their hair, or a perm that’s prettier than their mom’s. You know, and in a really weird way there’s no question about their masculine stance or their way of being in the world, it just makes sense. But then when you pull back and you go well wait a minute, if I were to see someone else do that in a different context I would think something different.

So we’re playing with these different ideas of how this is already happening. So I’m not pointing us in the direction and saying “oh look we could be,” I’m saying “no, we actually already exercise a lot of freedom in blurring what we would consider hard gender lines. It’s weird and awesome and intriguing and it might not transfer to a different regional context outside of LA. There are certain things that are very LA about this too.

d. Sabela grimes’ ELECTROGYNOUS will have its World Premiere from October 13-15 at the Bootleg Theatre as part of the Los Angeles Exchange (LAX) Festival, 5th ed.