#and i made another new friend today
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had such a beautiful weekend w some of my oldest and newest friends
i need you all to know that there’s 8 billion ppl in this world and there are people who will care about you and love you for exactly who you are
#didn’t rly wanna post anywhere else cause i don’t want my other portland friends to be like#why didn’t saturn tell me they were in portland#but yeah i love all these ppl so much#and i made another new friend today#y’all just be open and interested in other ppl and it pays off
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eulogy
#i was fully going to just wrangle my way through life for another 39 years when my friend said to me:#you are gay and we want you to submit art for the pride art show. but i hasn’t drawn at all since last year so i made a new comic from scr#i was also having one of the worst times of my life all of the past week but every night after sobbing into a friends shoulder or wtv#i’d sit down and draw. and then today i locked myself in the basement for 5#hours and now he is finished. trans allegory or whatever#happy pride#world is horrible so hold the people you love close#i am trying . succeeding? not really but definitely trying#i have gone now through the 5 stages of grief. 1) eat food 2) eat food 3) hit rock 4) hit rock 5) give up#i Give Up. i give up by living my life without giving a fuck#which is like. actually giving down. or taking away down#idk anyway#i hope you’re well i’m HANGING ON BY A THREAD. BUT A GOOD THREAD#and to my lgbsbfk homies: i love you#my art
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Lost my original post of this from the other day but I genuinely don't understand how Black Butler discourse ever shifted into the does Sebastian ~really~ like Ciel or is Ciel just dinner line of conversation that is pervasive as it is because Sebastian is the one that has absorbed his whole existence into Ciel's. Sebastian's face is what Ciel wants Sebastian's whole purpose is doing things for Ciel Sebastian's every hell of a butler yes my lord speech is about how he's Ciel's and Ciel is the one going around saying shit like whatever Sebastian is just my pawn 💅
#like sjdjdkdd??????#it's not that i don't think ciel loves sebastian per se bc. well. i don't think he'd ever process it in terms like that no matter what...#...kind of relationship they have bc the most important thing to him is getting him to do tasks like a dog and proving he will over and over#which is why sebastian does it all so overkill#but the most acknowledgement you ever get that ciel likes sebastian is stuff like idk the fucking book of atlantic you did good today#or if we're feeling really crazy the you were the only demon there line#like the dynamic has gotten way skewed in fandom away from the actual text#and i know why but it's still annoying bc i am not even saying this in a shippy way bc i don't give a fuck about ships#but they're so crazy entwined and in completely incomparable inhuman situations that it literally has no merit on this story to sit and...#...definitely piece together how this relationship works with real life normie standards like it literally is going to fit into no box of...#...what we think of as friends or siblings or parents or partners bc no victorian guy on the face of the earth has a real pet demon.#it's so boring you're missing the bigger picture that they're everything to each other and completely stuck together forever#does x mean y mean z? (least problematic answer only) they're stuck together! forever!#and no one has demons in real life it's all comparable to real life nothing#other than the asthma that's real#anyway. it's like fandom has made up a version of this story in their heads that is so devoid of anything that makes the story the story#twitter is like another planet for this i am mostly talking about twitter where i have been looking for news about the anime and oh boy#i have said this before but sebastian doesn't have a grip on human relationships bc he's not one and ciel doesn't give a fuck#but like this post started with and strayed from. well. sebastian isn't even trying to act like he's indifferent. ciel actually is.#and we're all missing several funny bits from that just trying to fit everything into a box#we could have more interesting conversations if we got past the same three people have been having for 20 years#kuroshitsuji#my kuro posts
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#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work#blocked it all out#my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer#breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries#they just diagnosed her two weeks ago#so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends#because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well#but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work#on top of my fulltime#which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it#but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this#for the coming four months at least#so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT.#i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes#then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe?#which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week#which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc#i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer#came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry#but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat#bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.”#“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.”#and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually#but seeing her anger made me see my own anger#and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic#i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more#so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise#doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal#and i am not joking#so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back
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Happy birthday Manfred von Richthofen, heres my favorite pic of him.
#ok so Im sorry I havent prepared someting bigger#but I got my soul absolutely crushed when someone told me celebrating manfreds birthday is like celebrating hitlers birthday lmao#but to me its not really about his birthday#its more like about that my interest in research abt him made me want to study history and also got me new friends#also i had surgery today so bruh I was sleepy sleepy#hope that isnt too much trauma dump#anyways to another year of research 🥂
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this story doesn't exist for me beyond this point in Retrace 92:
everyone is back home safe, the world is saved and they have another tea party, The End!
#friendship ended with ph#bsd s4 is my new best friend#pandora hearts#may-reads-ph#retrace xcii#aka pain#[EVERYONE READ PANDORA HEARTS AND FALL DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE OF ANGST WITH ME]#i am crying#for real i am crying#this is cathartic#i have never had a good cry in a looong time so oh well#i will read the rest of 10+ chapters later ig#deciding to read these last arcs altogether in one shot was a mistake#maybe some day i will make more coherent posts bc this story has truly plenty to write about#an incredibly beautiful and deep story will forever be on my mind#update: i made this post the other day when i finished till this point i don't have it in me to continue further lmao ;-;#i made a lot of screaming drafts while reading idk what to do with them#i think i will clear out the drafts and post them altogether maybe this weekend#so please block may-reads-ph tag if you don't want to be flooded#def not today bc waiting for another clown to be animated
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-“2022..”
(read the tags)
#this is an art that represents many things that I went through and that I suffered a lot last year..#like- for you to know how happy I am that the year 2022 is over. it's kinda like how much I'm standing up to now#because for me this year was very difficult#it was really very painful to the point of having to be the one who had to remain silent-#just so as not to say what's stuck in my throat until today#It wasn't just deaths that made me sad. it wasn't just because Brazil lost the World Cup#but there were several things that you have no idea how much it hurts to this day just to remember..#so- I hope that many here are happy that I'm still here#for having endured so much in all this time. for staying strong and trying to do my best...#for putting “bandages” on every thing I went through.#that some wounds even heal quickly. but there are others that don’t even manage to heal#(like- one of those stains you get on your clothes and it doesn't come off.#or breaking a video game out of anger and never being able to recover it)#but even so you still are trying to find a way to be fine..#and I'm not only here because I like it and I have friends that I don't want to lose.#but I'm also here because I want to see other people's smiles. whether with my art or even with the things I say#I'm here to show that no one is alone. nor will they ever be#that if you went through many difficulties in the year 2022. know that you were not the only one!#because I also went through it and now pls feel very happy to at least start another year and a new era..#may 2023 be a good year. that everyone can enjoy and have fun. without so much pain and suffering like last year..#have hope. stay strong and look at the past as a lesson on how to live even with so many things happening.#remember the good things. even if they are not many. they will help you and make you stronger..#try to think about the now and live a new experience trying to do your best and still stay strong#I care about y'all. and I hope to stay here for another year to see each one of you well.#also- that I love you guys very much. and I hope y'all don't forget that💛#art#i'm mel and this is my blog✌️#my art#art mel#mel creator
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#my stuff#we're having another one of those days buds#too religious for the queers and too queer for the religious#i kinda hate that i have to shrug off so much when around other queer people bc like. yes i know i see where the hurt is coming from and#it's SO valid but also#my church community is really important to me. my faith is important to me. i would prefer if you went after what is actually wrong#w us Christianity instead of quippy blanket statements#like im never GONNA say that bc i get it#but i have made a habit of asap in a convo w new queers slipping in something about my home church#but then ALSO a classmate who like. im fond of#he's chill. we were never friends but he still comes to all the art openings and we chat#and i KNEW he was catholic but again. he's always been nice#posted TODAY of all days something about how the REAL meaning of the rainbow is a 'promise not pride' and im just#i'm tired#i'm also tempted to dm him and be like: i think you were hacked bro :( someone's posting BULLSHIT on your facebook#or just unfriend him#it's getting all dark and stormy here and i'm trying to work up the hype to go to my fav local bar's pride event but i would be going alone
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#excited about my new corporate culture experiences 🙂#i can’t believe how much derogatory language is incorporated into casual interaction and I haven’t made any friends#but today me and another girl were talking very blandly about how much we love doing crosswords and I’m gonna pursue that one
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#not fandom related#personal log stardate#just rambling a bit abt my day in the tags!#saw a cute guy at work today. not a colleague but a costumer and all i could do was say hi#why is it that i always meet cute guys at times when it would be inappropriate to chat#so all i can do is steal some glances at them#but i chatted w a new colleague today which was nice#food cw#fasting cw#for the following tags#another coworker said today that they are doing intermediate fasting to compensate for smoking 1 pack of cigarettes a day#they've been doing this for years. and i just stood there like. ufff. not that i mind what they're doing. it's their life#i was just like. i don't think fasting can make up for the damage 25 cigarettes a day do. anyway#smoking cw#forgot to add this cw before#i found out one of my acquaintances is friends w a member of a famous band. and i was like. wow. holy shit#made me feel like everyone around me just lives their best life and im. well. not.#i would love to do so many more things like playing an instrument but i just don't have the energy#on Monday i got up early and Did Things all day including going to work and therapy and cooking and i was completely exhausted and done at#night and i can do this maybe twice a week. but i need to recover in between and it bothers me that i just don't have a lot of energy
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i made a new friend who likes ff today hehe
#🌙.rambles#YEAH I DMED THAT GUY#i'm so relievedddd i got so anxious but it seems they're rlly happy abt yk#they like sm final fantasies 🥺#IM IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD RN ! I LOVE MY FRIENDS#OLD FRIENDS N NEW GODDAMN I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH#guys i'm like in a sappy mood rn i'm tired but i wna show all my affection#i wna do more for my online friends tho >:c ily guys so so much#ANOTHER TIME BCS I STILL HAVE OTHER STUFF TO DO BUT#i'm like rlly in a good mood rn.#SORRY DUDE I SEND LONG MESSAGES THO BUT YEAH#so happy to have made a new friend today. IM LIKE SO HAPPY#I TELL YOU WNVR I MAKE NEW FRIENDS I SRS GET SO GIDDY AAAAA 😭😭#it warms my heart n life is great n my life is changed n i'll rmb you forever yk?#okay i'm still anxious but#FUCK ANXIETY 💀 yolo ig#n if you can't handle me n if i'm too much then maybe we're just not meant to be yk?#.. sorry that sounds inherently romantic bcs of the phrasing but i mean everything like everything platonically#i think at least. i wldn't admit if it's otherwise but yk when i phrase things like that it's srs just platonic#i want to regrets so recently i've been stepping out of my comfort zone a bit. not too much but yeah yk c:#n i'm proud of it honestly. still a long ways to go but life's a journey after all n i'll enjoy myself#one step one scenery one trudge at a time 🤍#laughed sm today bcs of my friends n then w the cats hehe THEY WERE PLAYING W THE BIRD 😭😭#n i love spending time w my family too n IDK IM JUST RLLY IN A GOOD MOOD RN#school asap so i can resub n. i finally played gbf again today yk? n ak too n yhhhh c:#i'll be productive rn but this rlly feels so lovely yk. n then i have motivation n inspo too n#it doesn't usually last very long but it always returns n i think it's lovely.
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god, i'm so fucking lonely
#ive been too busy to be sad much lately but today everything hit me again#i just. dont have anybody#my coworkers are nice and all but theyre not really my friends#the one and only person who EVER acted like i was worth talking to. decided i wasnt worth anything anymore#im starting another new job this week but it wont be any different i know. i cant make friends i dont know how#im too awkward and unlikeable and talkative and boring and i try too hard and it NEVER works#i miss evan from school. he made friends with me on purpose and he was so sweet and genuine#i miss all my high school friends even though they didnt really like me. at least they would talk to me#i miss amber a lot and god i miss will so fucking much#its not fair#he was SO mean to me but he was all i had#vent post#god everything is so fucking hard all the time
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#Today has been Excellent#I hung out with some neighbors so I made 2 new friends maybe#met maggie stiefvater and blew my whole book budget for the month#but at least my trc collection matches now#made MORE new friends#1 of which is mutual friends with another friend#ahhhh#now I gotta pack to go to bham boo
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I miss you. I think I probably always will.
#misunderstanding or not it doesn’t matter#you hate me and because we never even talked it out I don’t actually know what happened#I love you#I always will and you will always be like my brother#I grieve over it but I know I gotta just deal#life sucks sometimes#people leave#you are the reason I can’t let anyone else close to me though#kinda funny in a way#I am happy and love my life and my husband and I would never have healed if it wasn’t for you being my big brother#but losing you made me shut down any ability to make friends#I am too scared I will misread another situation and fuck everything up and lose someone I love so I just don’t allow anyone new close#my husband told me today he is scared I will become reclusive and lonely homesteading#I don’t know how to tell him I won’t ever make new friends
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i love my close friends theyre so funny and sweet
#i laughed so much today i havent laughed this much with another person and not at a screen in a while#-> depressing reality bc i watch silly videos or comedy movies just to smile fleetingly... but this time irl interaction made me happys#-> dont unfollow meeeee for being sad ...#anyway i hung out w a close friend of mine who I've known since i was 14 and we got coffee and dumplings and we giggled about so much stupi#*stupid shit. we just get along so well despite the intial awkwardness when we hang out after 2 months of not seeing e/o#last time i saw her was on new years day which actually wasnt thaaat long ago bc we've gone like 5 months without hanging out before#but anway. shes so sweet and funny and silly and i love her sense of humour and interesting opinions#we're the same age but i respect her a lot bc shes really good at learning how to adapt to new situations#and shes unintentionally pretty wise..#anyway woowwwww thats crazy i wasnt detached as fuck while meeting a friend yasss#z.post
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