#and i look up and insee all these other people walking around town in their clear skin and nice clothes and they have happiness | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

glaivegirl · 2 years

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auchk it hurts so much and i have to pack it in to a pocket inside me that is too little and all the while i just want to scream in agony until it feels like my skull veins will burst. i want to sob and wail. but i know that version of me who lets it out, shes in me and she screams and wails and sobs on my behalf.

and what do i do to repay this debt? i make her shelter, too, in that tiny pocket in me where a million pains and gruesome woes reside, creating in me some kind of dense neutron star of abysmal hurt

#i dont care if agony is a dramatic word #i am in agony #life is agony #happiness is stuck under something and no matter how i train i can never lift it #i try and i try and i try but i wear my arms out and then i try and i try and i try and theres sweat everywhere #and my body feels flayed and my heart feels doomed and then the thing budges just a little for a moment and i go on #tearing muscle from bone and the thing doesnt budge and the happiness i see has imprints from the thing and a crust and is sun-bleached #and i think its a lost cause and its too far gone and face the music: its never gonna happen #and i look up and insee all these other people walking around town in their clear skin and nice clothes and they have happiness #and i am certain that i am not only weak but also simply not one of those human beings destined for a fulfilling soul-soaring life of joy #i am for the scrapes and the skids and the grout #i am for the dirt and the nettles and the cockroach #i am for the deluded waste-aways and the broken zombies #i am for everything existing and living that no person with an inflated social ego would allow themselves to experience #i am the dead end and the life without living #we die here #this is no noble spaceship-earth #this is our tomb and i have met none who were willing to die as noble scum when they could strive to be the worst scum of nobles #and so i gave no hope after seeing the true selfishness of every person who pretends to be earnest and open #liars is what the world is made of #for every well intentioned person with an ounce of humility theres a billion well intentioned people who would skin you for their ego

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