#and i aughahdkashd
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#bo posting#talky#ive been writing so much the last few days and as great as it iss#i miss drawing so much#i enjoy being creative and im so happy i get to do this for someone i love dearly#but DAMN i wish i could just draw#and im also stressed out because i decided i wanna keep this project private...#like im gonna delete links n posts n stuff to it i dont wanna post about it anymore#this is a gift to someone i love and i wanna keep it between us#and i aughahdkashd#i feel SHITTY like im keeping a secret#but this is special and important#Im scared that im making people jealous because i havent been very present since the whole fiasco with my medication#and the fact that my sleep schedule is far more consistent because im trying to time it be awake when my friends in later timezones#are actually online?#Which makes it harder to stay up late#like i get ready for bed at 11pm lmao#im trying so hard to spend time with everyone equally#or plan a head so i try to have movie nights or eat dinner or talk with friends before other plans if i can spare the energy#because i DONT want them to feel left out or like im prioritizing other people#but i still worry that they might feel that way and im too scared to talk about it#because theres a mountain of other fucking issues#and ive dug myself into a hole of things i havent beenable to talk about#because ive been drugged out of my mind and am only just now in this very moment realizing how present i am mentally#AHHHHHHHAJHKFSHJASKDHKJ#maintaining friendships is so fucking hard for me and i hate it so much#it shouldnt be this hard but it is!!!!!!!!!!!#i shouldnt struggle with balancing my time between people but it feels like such a task and i feel so shitty saying that#i love my friends but i feel like a bad friend
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