#and grief counselling doesn't exist yet | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hollowwhisperings · 1 year

Text

Feanor the Lapsed Catholic

(forewarning: i was not raised catholic nor am i at all religious. i am an outsider working from cue cards and tinfoil.)

so. Feanor is an effed up elf. he was born exceptional: his birth had somehow killed his immortal mother in what the elves had been promised was [heaven].

so feanor is an unprecedented existence, amongst his peers, the subject of death being some distant history belonging to The Ages of Old. he was BORN an existential crisis.

then his dad gets remarried. except. the valar had made much ado on the spiritual union of marriage, on monogamy and Forever (because elves are, allegedly, immortal). so what does it mean for Miriel, that her soul's promised partner is now joined to another?

i forget whether miriel was consulted on the matter &, regardless of any permission or support from her... FEANOR feels Betrayed and Existential about it all.

but, at least, the greatest promise the valar had offered to the elves who migrated was Light. holy light. eternal light. beautiful light.

except, uh, there's been a Kerfuffle and ONLY YOU, feanor the mere elf, can turn the generators back on! we just need to break your life's work, the symbol of your remaining faith in and love for the valar (& valinor) to do it! btw, we are Demanding, not Asking.

Feanor is entirely disillusioned and his father getting MURDERED (in [heaven]! HOW) tips him right off the ledge of "eff this, you're lying liars who lie" to "you never meant your promises, you could never protect us, you would use us and see us die for your failings". since Feanor is a Living Existential Crisis, he was already questionably sane & no one had precedent to aid him. his only recourse was his own efforts, his own children, his own followers.

this is Not Helpful, it turns out, in a high stress situation without precedent where elves are freaking out and running blind. it is the End of Days, seemingly. anyone whp stands between Feanor's quest to return Light to their world, to seek justice from Melkor, to leave this false promise land for The Elves' True Home?

they must be traitors who remain loyal to those false friends, the valar, the valar who are, to feanor's mind, equal to Melkor in their treachery - all valar are the same to him, by this breaking point. feanor has found the valar equally false and equally treacherous: they killed his mother through negligence, killed his father outright, would kill Feanor and every elf too, probably (Feanor is Disillusioned, Furious and Very Traumatised about Death)!

so Feanor kills and rallies his followers to kill too. everyone ie emotionally, existentially compromised. no one can see past their terror, their outrage, the sudden darkness - it is easier to kill when your "enemy" is facelss, when you are still harbouring some belief that Death Isn't Real in Valinor (other than the eldest elves & the house of Finwe, "dying" is too alien an idea for these elves to truly understand what they are doing &, after these first justifications of violence... later ones become excusable, mayhaps even logical (the deaths at Alqualonde could be made "meaningless" if the True Purpose is abandoned now for fear of further kinslaying, etc).

i find Feanor FASCINATING. he has no rolemodels, no guidance, no one to hold him avcountable. he is a genius working entirely on impulse and outrage and TERROR.

feanor's life could have been a lot less horrible for everyone else if Valinor had Hobbits. i wonder whether Bilbo, Frodo & Sam inspired the elves of Valinor to petition for Therapy Hobbits? i imagine Nienna would be on board with such a scheme.

Or, at the very least, DWARVEN therapy. Legolas, i imagine, would have drafted his first petitions on Dwarven Visitation Right as soon as he first took [boat-building] lessons.

It is a great tragedy that Feanor died before meeting any dwarves. He would fit right in, provided there were high enough ceilings. Dwarves have spent their entire existence as sentient beings being Existential. They have it ingrained within their society. They know death and they know divine disappointment. Yet they know faith and forgiveness too.

But the faith of dwarves goes beyond the knowings of my tinfoil: outsider from religion that i am, the methods of healing from crises of faith or of changing one's means of keeping faith are questions i've never had personal need to address.

i still suspect that the cursed souls of Feanor & (some of) his sons would find healing easier/actually feasible in the Halls of Aule rather than those of Mandos. but that is a fanfic i've not the time to patchwork together.

#feanorians #silm meta #discussions around religion #outsider POV #feanor #imagine getting orphaned in [heaven]#imagine angels asking some dude to turn the sun back on #imagine you're the first known orphan amongst your people in thousands of years #and grief counselling doesn't exist yet #feanor the walking existential crisis #the first kinslaying #alqualonde #character study

10 notes · View notes

storiesofsvu · 2 years

Text

Her Everything Ch 12

Warnings: Language, lil bit of angst A/N: In this universe, there is no face time with Liv, and whatever appearance happens in s22 is non existent from Barba. (eta: this was written before any reappearance of barba so we're pretending it doesn't exist but i clearly had the defense idea before they did lolool)

Roughly four years had passed, you’d dealt with your grief, leaning on Olivia, helping each other through it. They’d been such close friends it affected her in a similar way it hurt you and the two of you were pretty quick to discover you had more in common than you’d realized. True to what she’d told you the day you disclosed about your pregnancy, the squad was more than thrilled with the news (once it was clear that you were excited about it, despite the other situation) and were more than ready and willing to step in and help out whenever they could. Lucy recommended a handful of nanny friends that understood the demanding schedule of an SVU detective that you met with before choosing one to help out with Catalina. Lucia was by at least once a week with dinner, spending as much free time with her granddaughter that she could.

Sonny ended up being the one who stepped up the most, you weren’t surprised, he was the one that didn’t already have his own kids to take care of (or a squad to run). He would spend a couple of evenings a week with the two of you, especially when Catalina was still a newborn, giving you time to shower/eat/attempt to do anything you had to get done. He’d usually spend a few hours cooking to help you meal prep for the week, and everytime you reminded him that he was an absolute godsend.

Rafael stood outside the precinct, an uneasiness sitting in the pit of his stomach. He hadn’t planned on returning to New York yet, and most certainly hadn’t planned on returning in this situation, but when Rita called saying she had an open spot at her firm that was his for the taking, he had to jump at the offer. He knew it wasn’t ideal, but the handful of clients he was taking on were mainly embezzlement’s, white collar stuff, people he could avoid SVU with for a bit. Unfortunately for everyone, it didn’t last long, his first case being an assault collar. And now here he was, outside the 16th precinct, completely unaware of what kind of a welcome he would be getting from anyone he was about to reunite with.

Inside, Olivia stood with Sonny outside of interrogation two, discussing the case at hand.

“He’s lawyered up, we’ve gotta wait to finish talkin’ to him. I’m not risking anything that could be thrown out at trail, do we know who is counsel is?” Sonny sputtered off, half paying attention to his phone.

“No idea.” Liv replied, she felt her phone buzz in her pocket, about to reach for it when a familiar, yet distant voice broke through the hallway.

“I’m here for my client.”

Two heads instantly shot up towards the man, utter shock and confusion splayed across their features. Carisi’s brow furrowed, his usual sunny aura infected with a large ray of darkness, his heart suddenly palpitating in his chest at the thought of going up against an old friend who he considered a mentor the past five years (though a dick for abandoning New York with no notice).

“Barba?!” Liv was the first to speak, her mouth nearly gaping at the sight of the used to be prosecutor back in her squad room. Rafael felt the second cold stab to his gut at the use of his last name, the coolness that was hiding behind her words. “What the hell?”

“My client?” He opted to stick with the cold work route, at least for now, maybe have some (hopefully) friendly chit chat later on. Carisi stepped back, waving an arm towards the interrogation room door. “Thank you detective.”

“It’s Counsellor now…you’d know that if you’d bothered to keep in touch.” The older man gave a stiff nod, disappearing to the other side of the glass, Sonny turned to the Captain, “Did you know he was back?”

“No…” She swiped the message on her phone, wondering what yet another defence attorney could want from her, the text Rita sent simply saying;

‘Take this as my heads up. Morrison’s retained counsel from my firm, it’s Barba. I’ve called Y/N, but maybe try and get her out of the precinct until he’s gone?’

Yeah…that message would’ve been nice to get about five minutes earlier. Olivia sighed, shooting off a quick thanks in reply. She gestured toward the window,

“Keep watching. And you tell him I want him in my office when he’s done in there.”

“‘Course Cap.”

You were currently partnered up with Amanda, out in the field chasing down leads on one of your current cases. You were just about to get out of the car to question bar staff where the vic had been drinking the night before when your phone started to buzz with an incoming call.

“You need to take that?”

“No…” Your brows furrowed at the name flashing on the screen, “It’s just Calhoun, probably trying to fend us off.” You silenced the call, shoving your phone back into your pocket before the two of you made you way inside. During your chat you felt your phone buzz a few more times, checking it once you were back in the car.

“Anything important?”

“Labs are back. And Liv says to take an extended lunch? Guess she doesn’t need us back right away?”

In the end, both you and Amanda decided to just grab some take out on the way back to the precinct, eager to get digging through security footage and financial records you’d managed to track down that morning. Right as you stepped out of the elevator your phone started buzzing again, this time with Lucia’s name flashing across the screen. You knew this was one you had to answer, causing you to wave off whatever it was Fin was trying to tell you. Your face morphed into one of worry, moving swiftly through the bull pen to Olivia’s office, not bothering to knock, your attention still half on your phone and half riddled with worry.

“Cap, Catalina fell of the swings, her arm might be bro-ken…” Your heart basically stopped as you glanced up, realizing that she not only had company in her office, but it was none other than Rafael Barba himself. Your brows scrunched, glancing between the two of them, a million emotions rushing through your head. You could feel the blood thumping in your ears, tears practically threatening to sneak into your eyes, you were both utterly enraged and completely heartbroken again all at the same time. It was suddenly like no time had passed, as if he had left you in that cold apartment less than twenty four hours ago.

Rafael felt his heart jump into his throat, Benson said you were out in the field, that you wouldn’t be back til mid afternoon. As much as he’d known his appearance at the 16th could involve a run in with you, and as much as he thought he was prepared, there was no way he was ready for this. His mind flashed back to that night, the disdain and anguish he’d witnessed surge through your eyes, feeling like a complete idiot for not only all of that but the fact that he’d been stupid enough to show back up in New York with absolutely no warning.

“I-uh-what the fuck?!” You barely realized the profanity that slipped from your mouth as you managed to drag your eyes away from your ex to your Captain.

“Calhoun said she called you…”

“She did.” You let out a weary breath, “I ignored it…” Now it made sense as to why you were getting random calls from a defence attorney. He must’ve been brought on by her firm, Rita had been around enough to know about Catalina, and she was a good enough person she was trying to give you a heads up that you’d completely missed.

“Well…Barba here was just explaining to me why the hell he’s working for the defence.” Olivia broke the awkward silence, the infliction and tone of her voice made you aware that she was just as surprised and upset as you were.

“What?! I-“ You couldn’t even manage to look at him, dragging your eyes back to Olivia, “I’ve gotta go, she’s at Mercy.”

“Go. Take the rest of the day.”

“Thank you.” With that you were gone, the door practically slamming behind you loud enough for Rafael to wince. He should’ve known better than to show back up on your turf with no warning, though…that wasn’t the pressing matter at the moment, the words you first uttered when you didn’t know he was in the office echoing through his brain, wires spinning doing his best to understand them but not jump to conclusions.

“Catalina?” His voice was barely over a whisper, his heart hammering in his chest, not missing the importance of the name. Olivia gave a soft sigh, she wished you could’ve been the one to reveal it, but knew there was no getting around it anymore.

“Y/N’s daughter…she turns four in October…you do the math.” Rafael’s eyes raised, filled with surprise and a million other emotions, meeting Olivia’s. Hers were a mix of sympathy and annoyance, being aware of the entire situation, how you’d done your best to contact him without abusing your power as a member of NYPD.

His heart hammered in his chest, a heavy blanket of absolute regret laying over him, he felt like he could absolutely burst in that moment, doing his best to hold it in in front of someone he hoped would become his friend again. He felt horrible, he suddenly regretted every single second of the past near four years, like an idiot for walking out on you in the first place, much less a family he’d been aching for for years? Before you, he’d finally settled into the thought of being alone forever, married to the job like so many before him. But you, you brought out that glimmer of hope that turned into a full blown firework, he knew he wanted nothing more than to be with you, and when he’d proposed, when he saw the ring actually on your finger, he actually started to think about kids, about a family, knowing you were the one that could bring that into his life.

And now he’d gone and completely fucked all of that up. Not only destroying your life, but his ideal one in the same stroke.

The emergency room at Mercy was surprisingly not as hectic as you’d expected it to be, you approached the nurses station, flashing your badge to make sure you got in to see your daughter as soon as you could. They directed you to X-ray, where you found Lucia waiting outside the room.

“Oh my God! Y/N! I am so sorry.” She started, grasping at your arm, the worry etched into her face.

“Lucia, it’s fine.” You waved her off, “Cat’s three, she’ll bounce back before we know it.” You did your best to give her a warm smile, “Do they know if it’s the whole arm yet?”

“They think it’s just the wrist.” She paused for a moment, “Tough case?” You quirked a brow, turning to face the woman,

“What?”

“For someone who thinks she’ll bounce back you seem pretty frazzled.” You took a heavy breath, doing your best to make certain the tears that wanted to invade your eyes didn’t.

“It’s not the case.” You glanced up at the older woman, “When I ducked into Benson’s office to ask for the afternoon off I discovered your son inside.”

“What?!” Lucia clearly had no idea that Rafael was back in town, or back working, “You can’t be serious?! Why?”

“I am…he’s working for the defence. I don’t know when he got back. I didn’t exactly wait around for details but Liv might have some later.” You took a deep breath, trying to solidify yourself in the world that was here and now. That you’d done your best to move on, that your daughter had a broken bone and needed you more than some old memory of love.

“I’ll kill him.”

“Lucia!” You half laughed, grasping at her wrist, “Don’t threaten murder in front of a cop, it doesn’t look good.”

“You saying you don’t want him dead?”

“I-“ You sighed heavily, your eyes glancing into the x-ray room to Catalina, “I’m saying that he’s a complete idiotic asshole…especially to show up out of nowhere like this….but…I mean…” Your blurry eyes casted over to meet Lucia’s.

“He broke your heart.”

“He destroyed me completely.” Her hand gripped yours firmly, a sympathetic look in her eyes,

“But Catalina deserves to know him.”

“Exactly.” You let out a huff, wiping away a stray tear, “But how am I supposed to do that when neither of them know about each other? When the absolute last thing I want is for him to be part of my life?”

“We all make sacrifices for the ones we love the most.” Your eyes met Lucia’s this time, knowing exactly what she was insinuating, Rafael’s upbringing hadn’t been easy on either of them. Your face softened at her admission, pulling her into a hug, thankful for the words spoken against your shoulder, “And I’ll be here every step of the way, and I’m not afraid of kicking his ass, he deserves it, deserves to be kicked when he’s down after what he pulled.” You laughed softy, thankful for the affection before Catalina was rolled out of the X-ray room.

She nearly jumped into your arms at the sight of her Mother in the hospital, immediately wincing and crying at the pain in her arm. You held her as gingerly as you could, eyes on the doctor who let you know that her wrist was broken, but as young as she was, as you expected, she would bounce back.

You sent Lucia home, telling her you’d keep her updated on everything before following your toddler down the hall to get a cast. Thankfully the pain pills seemed to be keeping Catalina quiet, picking between colours of a cast (she obviously chose purple) before the doctor finally put it on, leaving you with very detailed instructions for the next few weeks.

Finally free of the hospital you tucked Cat into her car seat, promising her McDonald’s for dinner, which she immediately perked up at, your laugh echoing through the car. Thankful that she seemed to be in better spirits than when you’d arrived at Mercy.

You munched on some chicken nuggets and fries on the couch while you caught up on some Sofia the First, Catalina curled up against you. Your hand softly rubbed her non injured arm, lips gently meeting the top of her head every so often, simply glad that she was okay. She passed out much before her usual bedtime, you figured it was thanks to the leftover anesthesia and little bit of children’s Tylenol you’d been instructed to give her. Tucking her into bed you kissed her forehead gently, making sure her favourite stuffed bear was at her side and her nightlight was turned on before leaving the room, giving her one last soft glance before you pulled the door nearly shut.

Giving a heavy sigh, you double checked your phone, making sure Olivia hadn’t texted needing anything as you poured a glass of wine. Free of having to care for your daughter your brain started to turn back to the fact that Rafael was back in town, the fact that he had changed enough to be able to work for the defence. At first you tried pulling out some case files to distract you, but the thought of Carisi having to go up against someone who was once his friend and mentor made things even worse. You tossed the files aside, refilling your wine before you retreated back to the couch, turning on your most recent tv binge.

It was a few hours later when there was a gentle knock at your door, figuring it was Olivia coming to check up on you, you threw the door open without double checking, your breath hitching in a gasp at the sight of Rafael. Every emotion that raced through you in Olivia’s office earlier came flowing back, and this time, anger took the lead. It took a moment for either of you to find your words, you eventually breaking the silence,

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“I uh..” The man half stuttered, his usual silver tongue failing him, “I took a chance..” He glanced up at you, “You haven’t moved?” You let out a hefty sigh, crossing your arms over your chest,

“It’s a rent controlled apartment halfway between Hogan Place and the precinct. I wasn’t about to give that up just because you left.”

“I..uh..I’m sorry…” You rolled your eyes, exaggerating the groan at the way Rafael was all of a sudden so timid, if he had the balls to be a defence attorney he should have the balls to stand up to his ex.

“Sure.” You snipped, “Wanna tell me why you’re really here?”

“Catalina..” His eyes finally moved up to meet yours, you could see the ache echoing through them. Rafael knew deep in his gut that he already knew the answer, he just needed to hear it from you, he needed to know more, and only you could give him that.

“Fine.” You turned, moving from the door, letting Rafael into your apartment. He quietly shut the door behind himself. You made a gesture for him to still stay in the entrance way as you grabbed your wine, “What’d’you wanna know?”

“She’s nearly four..is she…?” His question was hesitant, not even wanting to vocalize his suspicions, hating himself for the potential reply.

“Yours?” You shot back, “You really think I would have a kid with someone else and name her after your Abuelita?” You could feel the tears building in your eyes, doing the best to hold them back.

“I..I have a daughter?” Rafael choked out, his brain immediately turning defensive, aggravated, “Why wouldn’t you tell me?” That caused you to round on him, the anger taking over inside you.

“Don’t you think I TRIED! You cut yourself off from everyone! You left the state, you changed your phone number, your email, cancelled all of your social media’s, you didn’t even give your Mother any information! I did everything I could without accessing police databanks to find you! You have no one to blame for this but yourself!”

“I’m sorry…I wish I had known.” He attempted to move toward you, you stepped back, “Can I please see her?” You saw the sorrow written across his face but you weren’t about to let it slide,

“There not a single reason I can think of for me to let you see her! You may be her father, but I am her everything!” You rolled your eyes, “Besides it’s past 9pm, you clearly know nothing about children if you think a three year old would still be up this late.”

“What about this weekend?”

“Rafael! She doesn’t even know you exist!”

“What?” He felt his voice catch in the back of his throat, unable to come to terms with everything, “What did you tell her?”

“She’s young enough I didn’t have to say anything. Once she was old enough I figured I’d try to contact you again and if you didn’t answer I’d tell her the truth…that you left without knowing.”

“I’m sorry..”

“You keep saying that!” You spat back, taking a swig of your wine, you were both so involved in the argument you both missed the pitter patter of small feet in the hallway.

“Momma…” A small voice broke into your thoughts, “It hurts…” Both of your heads shot towards the the hall, where Rafael was met with a small girl, emerald eyes wide as saucers looking between the two of you, stuffed bear clutched in her un-injured arm. You instantly grabbed the bottle of pain killers and a bottle of water from the island before you scooped up you daughter in your other hand.

“I’m sorry baby, I know it hurts, let’s get you back to bed, it’ll hurt less after you take this.” You disappeared down the hallway, Rafael hearing murmurings of converstaion between you and his daughter, wishing he could be part of the relationship, hating that he’d stayed away for so long. It took a few moments before you finally shut the door, coming back out to the entrance.

“The bear…” Rafael began, glancing up at you, emotion shining through his green eyes, “Looks just like one of mine…” You sighed heavily,

“She got it from Lucia..” You began, “We have dinner with her every Sunday, they practice Spanish together.”

“Really?”

“Who else was I supposed to turn to when the love of my life vanished? You left us with no one, what did you expect?!” He flinched at the agony cracking through your resolve, you were doing your best to keep a strong front but he could tell you were inches away from slipping.

“I’m so sorry..if I had known…”

“You would’ve what?!” You cut him off, “You would’ve come back for her, but not for me? The moment you made me give you that ring back everything ended, even if something like this was about to happen, you betrayed me Rafael, and I’ll never forget it.” He took a heavy sigh, your words causing a shudder throughout his body, the regret sinking through him.

“I would have done better. I want to do better. I’m back in New York now, for good. I would deeply appreciate it if I was able to officially meet her. She doesn’t need to know who I am yet, I could just be a friend, we could do it at Mami’s.”

Giving a hefty sigh, you chewed on your lip, thinking the situation over. Catalina deserved to know her father, she deserved to have a full family, you didn’t want to be the one holding back that experience from her, knowing she’d probably resent you later in life when she found out.

“Fine. But under no circumstance are you able to tell Catalina that you’re her father.”

“But—“

“You left without warning last time! How am I supposed to know you won’t do it again? I don’t trust you Rafael.” You nearly growled, Rafael’s eyes not able to meet yours at the comment.

“Okay…” He admitted to the defeat easier than you’d expected him to, it was clear he truly felt bad. Rafael was slowly realizing just how drastic his measures had been, and that popping back up at your precinct, working for the other team probably wasn’t the best idea.

“We usually go over around 5. Do yourself a favour and call your Mother…she misses you.” He gave you a small nod, understanding that the conversation was over, turning to leave your apartment.

His body flinched at the sharp shutting of the door behind him, knowing that you weren’t about to welcome him back into your life with open arms. There was a flurry of emotions running through his body as he stepped out into the street, he already felt like an idiot for walking out on you, but knowing that he’d also left behind a daughter, that he’d left you alone to raise his child? He felt like he would never be able to gain your trust or respect back fully. He regretted not leaving a number, that he could have at least been somewhat in contact, even if he was too embarrassed to show his face in the legal world after the Baby Drew debacle, he could have at least been part of Catalina’s life from the start. Then again, maybe you didn’t want him anywhere near your baby after he was put to trial for murdering one

#rafael barba #rafael barba x reader #her everything #law and order #law and order svu #svu #law and order special victims unit

53 notes · View notes

heyninja · 2 years

Text

Tagged by @clockworkish

Favourite time of the year: spring, although in Texas it is this weird liminal space that doesn't seem to properly exist. Realistically it's just when it stops being too dark all the time but has not yet become rotisserie chicken weather.

Do you collect something: pens, graphic t-shirts, notebooks to not fill

Comfort food: I like so much food. But when I'm sick, I want egg drop soup and ginger ale.

Favourite drink: coca-cola (and I'm from Texas, so that's Coke-Coke for anyone playing at home)

Current favorite song: nnngh so I am obsessed with this arrangement of GLAY's "Winter, Again"

youtube

Favourite song: I like so much music it's kind of hard for me to make a value judgment I think of "best overall" because do I pick a song that I've loved for like 20 years or do I pick a song I feel intensely about right now? Anyway I love this band because all their songs scan like poetry to me, and I have loved them forever and a day: Brand New - Jude Law and a Semester Abroad

youtube

Actually bothering to tag some people: @pudding-and-grief-counseling, @srabaskerville, @seokjingaycult, @iffervescent - but don't feel you have to do it. Just if you feel amused.

#ask meme #Youtube

3 notes · View notes

fairycosmos · 5 years

Note

so.. my dad passed away 3 days ago.. and i really need company, shit i can't stay at home where it happened even though my family is really supportive everything here reminds us of him. how do i tell my friends. how can i keep focusing on school. i'm only 18 and i can't even do the shit that would be good for me bc of me being fucking scared of bothering my friends and bc of school. the world doesn't stop for me. but it would be so nice,, to just have one day to grieve and time just stands still

oh my god, im so so sorry to hear that. i can't imagine what you must be going through right now. it's literally beyond all conceivable thought. it must be almost impossible to try to hold onto any rationality, but i guess when you can - try to remember that your emotions are your own and you have every right to deal with them at your own pace. worrying about school and friends is no surprise but know that those aspects of your life will always be there for you to return to. there's no rush at all. when something like this happens, the last thing you want to do is think about is your own future. that's normal and literally no one can fault you for it. but despite that, once the school is aware of your situation then they should be able to compromise in order support you through this difficult time. if you have to take a step back, that's fine. its all yet to be seen, stuck in a future that doesn't even exist yet. but know that there is always a way to take it slow, and people do understand. tell your friends in your own way whenever you want to, or even just one day or two if that takes the pressure off. there's no rule book and you are not obligated to share anything you're uncomfortable with. process these anxieties but do not let them dictate the present moment, because you (understandably) may be experiencing untrustworthy thought processes as a result of the emotional turmoil. but all that aside, right now it's completely okay to just focus on getting through each day, or even each hour. that is a success in and of itself. allow yourself to cry, or to be numb, or to reminisce or talk. whatever you need, it's alright. there's no wrong way to feel. the rest of your family are obviously dealing with the same pain, so while it's totally natural to want to be alone at times, try to lean on them when you can. your bond with them will be a consistent comfort. the five stages of grief are not always linear, they don't always make sense and they're different for everyone. guilt, anger, resentment, confusion, disconnection - it's all natural and to be expected. you must go through it in order to get through it. trying to communicate with those around you, and speaking of/to your dad regularly, will help you survive. i don't know that i can say you will ever accept the loss, and maybe you shouldn't expect that of yourself. but i promise you will learn to live with it. because you are here and you are strong, and it is the right thing to do. it may always hurt to think about him, because you love him and you will continue to, but it will become manageable to an extent. when you learn to successfully channel the love to a place you can't understand. at least, it won't always feel exactly like this. it's ok not to believe that in this moment, but always consider it as an alternative truth when everything feels impossible. it's cheesy and cliché but, i really do believe that your dad will live on through you and your family and your memories. his energy is still around, everything he ever taught you, the love he had and will have for you - it absolutely remains. and no, it's not the same. and no, it's not fair. and yes, you deserved way better. but your whole existence is a complete honour to your dad, even if you can't see that, love. he's an irrevocable part of you. you're v young and you will grow with his lessons and his memory. i also want to stress that there are a lot of resources that will offer you a greater perspective - such as grief counseling, or hotlines/support groups, anything like that in your area. your brain may reject the idea on autopilot, but i would really urge you to consider it if possible. you deserve support, and guidance and to know people who are going through something similar. there are so many ways to reach out. death is universal. you're not alone. just having someone to talk to openly, could change things. i understand that everything is so fresh right now, and maybe you just want to be with your family or by yourself. but please try to keep those options in mind. grief throws your whole physicality and mentality out of wack - it is traumatic. it's normal to need help, it's normal for time to stop while you grasp what has happened and what can't be changed. anyway this is getting too long and i get that with where you're at right now, it probably all seems like bullshit. but i just hope you're able to practice a little self compassion as you learn to navigate this one step at a time. im v proud of you for being so honest with me. if you need a friend let me know and i'll try to get back to you quicker. again, im so so sorry. im sending so much love and keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

https://beyond.life/blog/10-things-nobody-tells-losing-parent/ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm https://www.google.com/amp/s/grievewellblog.wordpress.com/2017/06/28/55-grief-coping-strategies/amp/

#anon

3 notes · View notes

abassi-okoro · 5 years

Text

THE ANGRY WHITE WOMEN

by Abassi Okoro Eziokwu

Hate is too strong of an emotion to waste on people who don't deserve it. I hate Meghan McCain. Rather I hate what she represents, angry white femininity. It was an angry white woman who caused the savage annihilation of Emmet Till. It is the knee-jerk reactions of angry white women who call the police on black people for doing nothing more than blinking one too many times. White women are just always angry with something or someone. Have you noticed that? Despite the racial stigma that black women are often awarded, the “ANGRY BLACK FEMALE,” at least black anger is justifiably directed at a specific or definitive idea – RACISM!

Black anger carries a certain rationale, a certain sanity. It's understandable to sympathize with the anger of a people who are systematically and institutionally oppressed, abused, and persecuted – and that's only talking about black MEN! Now add to that persecution the reality of being a black WOMAN and your abuse has just gotten worse. But in 2019, you would think that it is "White Women" who are the benefactors of white male infliction or structured social abuse and oppression. It seems that every time we tune into FOX, CNN, or some feminist round table television talk show - there is no shortage of snarling, beady-eyed, 'trembling in anger' blonde-haired, white women all too eager to tell the whole of America how they're outraged over something or someone or how “women” (which is really code for WHITE women) are discriminated against more than black folk in this country.

These white women remind me of yappy little – big eyed Chihuahuas barking uncontrollably at the slightest insignificant sound or purely imagined discomfort. When white folks profess their anger over something, they call it "Outrage." Black folks call it, "White Tears." They're always stepping out of line, ridiculing and pointing fingers and especially when it comes to American Patriotism. Nothing gets these white women barking louder than the notion that American "Ideals" are being threatened by black people's audacity to call to attention racism or the fear that immigration of Hispanic people is going to colorize and lord forbid, "colonize" lily white neighborhoods like Boise Idaho or Cedar Rapids Iowa (because I'm sure that one of the whitest towns in America is worried to death over some Mexicans coming in and stealing their warehouse associate jobs at the Adam's Lumber Yard). Or the worse case scenario, Colin Kaepernick takes a knee. Tomi Lahren every week on her show damn near had a complete mental and emotional meltdown anytime Colin Kaepernick's name was mentioned. Despite my thoughts of her anger being nothing more than a cover-up for wanting to sleep with him, she didn't fail once at getting her "outrage" out to the American public. Meanwhile, white male executives who control the FOX network had no problem offering her the platform to exploit her little annoying blonde ass.

Megyn Kelly spends a great majority of her airtime interpreting innocent remarks or acts as "sexist." That's why she always has a frog up her ass, she thinks everything is sexual. Meghan McCain's shtick is that everyone and anyone who falls short of worshipping white Jewish people is, "Anti-Semitic." Then there's the rest of American white women in general who have a long history of voting against their own best interests. White women historically have always been proponents of white supremacy and the Feminist movement is an off-shoot of that white supremacy. Black women told you that years ago that white women were going into the black neighborhoods trying to recruit black women for white feminine agendas while suggesting to these black women that they would have to leave their families, give up their black men before they could be part of the “Women's Liberation Movement.”

And so many black women did exactly that. They stopped being mothers, wives, caretakers, they got jobs in corporate America, became “secretaries” in white owned companies, put on a business suit, told their kids, “I ain't cooking shit - I ain't got to take care of you,” traded in their natural hair for a perm, learned how to talk “white” on the phone and if the police came knocking at the door, they had no problem turning in their black boyfriend or black husband and especially if he was not treating her right. The white feminist snatched up many of these black women and said, “We're sisters now” and eventually sisters became partners and partners over time became "lovers." Meanwhile, white men were locking up black men over petty shit like 10 to 20 years for $10 of weed. That's called, “Engineered Racism” folks.

BUT WHY ARE WHITE WOMEN SO ANGRY?

I'm not suggesting that only certain people are allowed to be angry (the oppressed) but it sure does make more sense for oppressed to be angry and non-oppressed to NOT be so angry. Unless of course you're implying that white women are an oppressed marginalized group? I was told that white women are angry over gender inequality and especially in the political arena. Makes sense - if I was ignorant that is. When asked a little under two years ago how Donald Trump got elected, the answer that was told to us was because the people who voted for him were white and angry. They were suffering from financial anxiety and Trump's rhetoric of bringing jobs back to America sounded pretty darn good to Becky and Bob. Now here we are in 2019 and those Trump voters who were white and angry are STILL white and they’re STILL angry but only now they're angry because they STILL haven't landed those good ole' American jobs that they were promised back in 2016 and on top of that, Trump is more concerned with building a wall to keep Mexicans out than opening up a factory in your already dilapidated - one sheriff- rural town. I'm sure it feels awful to white people who just aren't accustomed to being bent over and screwed in the ass. But if you need a shoulder to cry on white people, give people of color a call. We're experienced at being lied to by white assholes. The grief counseling hotline after being lied to by white men is 1-800-YOU-DUMB. Negroes, Mexicans and Native Americans are waiting by the line to accept your calls.

FEMINIST RAGE 101

White women in particular are encouraging each other to let out their anger in the face of the current administration. Yet, white women have failed miserably in dismantling racism. It appears that white women's rage only became a thing when white men became indifferent to white female sexuality. In other words, white men simply are not that into you (just like the movie suggested). When white men were abusing women of color, sexually exploiting black women, committing sexual violence against black women with impunity, and we didn't hear a single outcry from white women. Instead, white women actually downplayed and silenced the anger of women of color - hoping that it would gain favor in the eyes of white men. You held out for nothing, he didn't care that you had his back. White men don't need your help with being a racist or a rapist. But in recent years, white women switched and played the role of “Social Activist” and despite all the protests and public outcries and unpaid emotional labor by women of color, what did these "socially aware" white women do? White women turned around and sold black women out. They threw black women under the bus and went out to the polls and voted for the party of toxic white supremacy. It's safe to say that white women are more likely to betray their gender for their race, a proverbial gut-punch to black women who have been victims of white masculinity for generations. White women should be more ashamed than angry.

Bu let me tell you how angry white women really are. White women are so angry that 53% of them put their white privilege above their 2nd class gender status to vote for Donald Trump. Despite their "anger," white women believe they benefit from white male patriarchy by trading on their whiteness to monopolize resources for mutual gain. In return, they’re placed on a pedestal to be “cherished and revered,” by white men who in reality will not only be quick to deny them their basic human rights but will, "Grab them by the pussy" while denying them. Look, let's cut through the bullshit and just go ahead and be brutally honest: White women, your white man will NEVER love you the way he should (to full capacity.) Maybe because he spends most of his time fantasizing over black, Latin and Asian women. He'll never tell you that, but I will! Hurts doesn't it? Maybe that's why you're angry because despite supporting the system of White Supremacy, you know deep down inside your soul that the whole premise of white supremacy is predicated on white male sexual inadequacy (white genetic survival, penis envy and trying to get back into the womb of the black woman in order to recreate himself without the genetic deficiencies). Isn't that why many of your fellow white women leave their white men to be with black men to begin with? Because even white women know who the real KINGS are (Royal blood). Now pick your jaw up off the floor.

Isn't this the real reason for white female fragility? The answer is yes! There exist a lot of truths about ourselves that most of us aren't willing to explore. For white people, some of those truths paint them in a very pathetic light. I'm sorry, but as a white woman in America - you're simply not a victim of anything structural. You may be a victim to some personal and isolated incident but there is no systemic or institutionalized "ism" in place to destroy you and NO, Sexism isn't your collective oppression. You can't claim that because sexism isn't exclusive to just the female gender and white men have always treated you like shit and so don't start acting like now all of a sudden you have a problem with being his bitch and especially after 53% of you voted in a "Pussy Grabber" as your President. GROW UP white women. Pull yourself together ladies. It's not a good look to be angry for no goddamn reason.

0 notes

wjsmithfh-blog · 5 years

Text

When Grief Doesn't Ease

Sometimes it feels as if your bereavement will never end. You feel as if you’d give anything to have the pain go away; to have the long lonely hours between nightfall and dawn pass without heartache. You are not the only grieving person who has longed for some measure of relief.

In the novel, My Sister’s Keeper, author Jodi Picoult wrote, “There should be a statute of limitations on grief. A rule book that says it is all right to wake up crying, but only for a month. That after 42 days you will no longer turn with your heart racing, certain you have heard her call out your name.”

No such rule book exists. Grief counselors and therapists tell us that the length of time it takes anyone to grieve the loss of someone they held dear to them is dependent on the situation, how attached you were to the deceased, how they died, your age and gender. So many variables exist and there’s absolutely no way to predict how long it will take for you to adapt to your loss.

The Difference Between Normal and Complicated Grief

Research findings have led experts to come up with many differing categories of grief experience ranging from normal to complicated. Normal (or uncomplicated) grief has no timeline and encompasses a range of feelings and behaviors common after loss such as bodily distress, guilt, hostility, preoccupation with the image of the deceased, and the inability to function as one had before the loss. All are normal and present us with profound, and seemingly endless, challenges. Yet, Katherine Walsh says, “Over the course of time, with average social support…most individuals will gradually experience a diminishment of these feelings, behaviors, and sensations.”

So, how can you know if your bereavement is no longer within the range of normal? Ms. Walsh goes on to say, “While there is no definitive time period by which this happens, if an individual or members of a family continue to experience distress intensely or for a prolonged period—or even unexpectedly years after a loss—they may benefit from treatment for complicated grief.”

A Useful Model for Assessment: Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning

There are certain tasks that, when achieved during your bereavement, can successfully allow you to emerge on the other side of loss as a better, stronger, and more resilient individual. James Worden proposed these four tasks:

To accept the reality of the loss

To process the pain of grief

To adjust to a world without the deceased

To find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life

Instead of focusing on your bodily discomforts, feelings, and common behaviors, this model allows you to better see where you may be stuck or stalled in the adaptive process. Fortunately, Worden also gives us a list of indicators advising that "any one of these clues in and of itself may not be sufficient" for a diagnosis of complicated grief. "However," he continues, "any of these…should be taken seriously, and the diagnosis of complicated grief should be considered when they appear."

12 Clues... 12 Insights

While grief educators and theorists tell us that a diagnosis of complicated grief should not even be attempted until after the first anniversary of the death, if any one of the following symptomatic clues exists for longer than six months, you may want to consider grief counseling or grief therapy:

You cannot speak of the deceased without experiencing intense and fresh grief long after the loss.

A relatively minor event triggers an intense grief reaction.

Your conversations with others are littered with references to loss. In other words, loss is an ever-present motif in your world view.

You have issues related to your loved one's possessions. Keeping everything the same as before their death could indicate trouble just as tossing out everything right away can also be a clue to disordered mourning. (You also need to factor in your cultural and religious background)

You have developed physical symptoms similar to those of the deceased before their death. Sometimes these symptoms recur annually, on the anniversary of the death, or on holidays. An increased susceptibility to illness or the development of a chronic physical complaint can also be an indicator.

If you have made radical changes to your lifestyle, or excluded friends, family members, or even activities associated with the deceased, it may indicate unresolved grief.

A long history of depression, often marked by guilt or low self-esteem, can reveal disordered mourning. The opposite is also true: a person experiencing a false sense of happiness or elation could be experiencing unresolved grief.

A compulsion to imitate the deceased, in personality or behavior, can be a sign of complicated mourning.

Having self-destructive impulses or exhibiting self-destructive behaviors can be significant. These can range from substance abuse, engaging in self-harm, developing eating disorders and suicidal tendencies.

A sense of unexplained sadness occurring at a certain time each year (holidays, anniversaries, or birthdays) can also be a clue to unresolved grief.

Developing a strong fear about dying, especially when it relates to the illness that took the life of your loved one, is an important clue.

If you have avoided visiting your loved one's grave or if you are still unwilling to discuss the circumstances of their death, this could indicate complications in your bereavement.

There are many types of complicated grief; it can be delayed, masked, exaggerated, or chronic. Self-diagnosis is without purpose. A year after the death, if you feel your grief symptoms worsening, we advise that you seek a referral from your family physician for professional grief counseling or therapy.

Sources:

Walsh, Katherine, Grief and Loss: Theories and Skills for the Helping Professions, 2nd Edition, 2012

Worden, James, Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, 4th Edition, 2009

The post When Grief Doesn't Ease appeared first on Smith Funeral & Memorial Services.

#funeral homes #funeral services #burial services #cremation services #memorial services #funeral planning

0 notes