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ofbrokendreams · 10 months

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Everything, everywhere, all at once

This is just a silly little future fic. I just threw all of my ideas into a pot after bingeing The Bear Season 1 (multiple times). Its 10.9 k words total. Its pretty much stream of consciousness because I'm undecided if I'll come back to it later and flesh it out into a real fic. That being said I'm apologizing early for grammar, abundance of commas and general lack of a time line. Hopefully this will bring someone enjoyment and amusement.

Part one is 5.3 k words.

Part two

Part Three

I'll probably cross post this on AO3 at some point. (I did it.)

TW: cursing, discussions of sex, discussions of abuse, discussions of mental health, discussions of drug use, discussion of suicide, depiction panic attack, pregnancy (let me know if I missed anything)

GIF by starryyshadows

EXPO DATE

Sydney walks into The Bear. Service in full swing, full dinner rush with a packed FOH.

Carmy’s at expo running tickets and the count and he’s got an ear out for troubles.

Sydney calls out his name: “Chef. Carm. Carmy. Carmen!” Before he finally answers and glances at her.

His brain stalls out. He called her five times, he texted her SOS. But she’s-

“What are you wearing?” Is the first thing out of his mouth. Taking in the short expensive looking dress and high heels Syd is wearing.

“What the fuck does it look like I’m wearing?” Syd asks with a huff. Carmy shakes his head and gestures toward the line.

“Why is my restaurant not on fire?” She asks and Carmy stares at her. “What the fuck are you talking about?” “SOS, five fucking calls? What am I talking about? I took the night off! So why isn’t this place burnt to the fucking ground?” “I-I”

He looks away for a moment as a dish is set down and then back to where Syd was but she’s gone. Carmy goes back to his work calling out “Hands!”

“Give me your jacket,” Sydney demands at his elbow, heels gone and replaced with her Birkenstocks. Carmy stares at her but she gestures for him to hurry up. “Mine’s at home, this is a $300 vintage dress, give me your fuckin-“ he cuts her off with a harsh sigh but does trade her his jacket for the apron in her hand.

They stand side by side for a minute, hands working on auto pilot as Sydney catches up.

“We needed you. Where were you?” “I was on a fucking date, Carmen.”

Syd takes over expo and shoos Carmy away. When he doesn’t leave immediately Sydney snaps. “Get the fuck away from me, go, please go do something else.”

Carmy goes, checks on everyone and then he’s on the line because their down three chefs and that’s the whole reason he called Syd in and its a long fucking night.

After service when it’s just the two of them left Carmy apologizes for calling so many times, ruining her night off. Sydney apologizes for snapping at him.

Carmy mentions, “I didn’t know you were dating.” Syd nods but doesn’t look at him.

“I have to…I have to have a life, you know? Get a life. Outside of this place? I can’t…I can’t resent it. I love The Bear and I want to keep loving it.”

“No, thats, that’s totally reasonable.” Carmy nods and Syd smiles. And Carmy’s heart beats erratically. Because he’s losing her.

He’s fucking losing her and he never even had her.

And he’s confused because she’s so amazing and beautiful. And he’s himself and how could he think-

He remembers the first time she walked into The Beef and his heart beat like this, ‘oh no she’s pretty’, and all other thought left his mind. And he was asking about UPS like it was a fucking restaurant despite holding her well crafted resume in his hands. But then there was months of work and screaming and quitting and tomato money and The Bear and project managing and baby Mikey and Claire and fucking off and fucking up over and over.

He has no right to be jealous, Sugar is quick to remind him when he slowly carefully brings it up a couple weeks later. A quick “Pete out,” and they’re alone in her living room. “You’ve had a girlfriend, Bear. Doesn’t Syd get that too? She’s better at this shit. We both know she won’t fuck off like you did.” And it’s so harsh and vulgar and not like Sugar, though it reminds him of ‘did you know I recently had a brother die too’ and it’s gnarly in that same way that cuts him to the quick. So he laughs and nods.

“But like…think about it, Bear, your feelings, yeah?” And Carmy nods knowing he won’t. That he’ll push whatever this is down and away, far away from where it might touch Syd, taint her with whatever fucks up Berzattos.

STAR CROSSED SOUL MATES

The Bear receives their star, two in fact in their first year.

And it’s Sydney, her drive, her dish that gets it for them.

He’s not surprised. He’s been doing everything he can to make the way for her but she’s paving it herself.

Its an honor, a fucking privilege to watch her rise, to watch her recognized.

He’s so crazy in love with her that he can’t imagine being jealous of her even though there’s a part of him that thinks he should be. Carmy’s always been competitive in the kitchen but with Sydney…he just wants to get as many spotlights on her as possible.

It’s strange but it’s how’s its always been. He’s never felt in competition with her but for a moment, that first review that horrible day and it had ended with her leaving The Beef, leaving him.

He thinks about how insanely lucky he is that she came back, that his offer ‘Family style? Two-tops, booths?’ Was answered with anything other than go fuck himself. Instead Syd had given instantly from that wonderful brilliant brain of hers, ‘Danish design’. Not a question.

She’s so talented and beautiful and creative and thoughtful and good, so good at what she does. He wants-needs everyone in their world to see it. To be so fucking jealous of him, of them, that he found her, they found each other.

All those other places that tried to stamp out her spark, fuck them, they’re shit compared to The Bear. Compared to the inferno that is Sydney working at full capacity, supported and challenged.

Nat’s the first to bring it up, texting him while he’s trying to think of how to bring it up to her.

Sugar: 11:57 pm; she needs to be a partner. Like a real one

Bear: 11:57pm; absolutely

When they bring it up on Wednesday before shift, the three of them huddled in the office. Syd shyly takes their praise but looks like she might cry when Nat explains that they are making her a part owner of The Bear. Sydney insists that she can’t pay for it but Carmy points out the sweat equity she put into the place. And Syd’s not sure if that’s even right, even how this works but Nat’s got documents from a lawyer, holy shit.

Uncle Jimmy says “Its about fucking fucking time Carm. Thought we’d lose her before you figured that shit out. You know why I said ‘I’m in’? Because you’re fucking talented and she’s fucking talented. And I love you, and you’re not starting from fucked this time. But I will, I will break your legs, Carm.”

And then Sydney’s got an arm full of Berzattos. And she’s really not a hugger but there’s nothing else to do in this case. No words to express how she feels. She’s family, they’re family and this is their place: their family restaurant but for real now.

The whole team parties at the restaurant on the Friday following the Michelin announcement.

Syd goes back to Carmy’s as its closer then taking the train back to her dad’s place.

Its like two in the morning and they have work in the morning.

When they get to the apartment they drunkenly make Mac and cheese. Laughing and cursing when they almost grate their knuckles. Carmy makes the sauce and Sydney’s cackling when he almost scalds it.

“First time?” Syd laughs dumping the cheese in and Carmy pushes her away from the stove. “Jesus Syd its gonna be all- fucked.” Carmy laughs and Syd just shrugs and drains the pasta.

Its good and lumpy like Carmy though but they’re both still to drunk to really care cause its good.

Cause they’re fucking good, they’re Michelin star chefs, “for real this time, you earned it”, Syd is quick to say when Carmy laughs at her. It sobers him up a little the realization.

Once full and sleepy they head to the couch, with Sydney falling backwards onto it by accident.

Carmy tries to grab her but she’s just giggling not hurt at all. He shakes his head and joins her, looking down at her every once and a while.

They sit side by side like that for a long time even though they should go to sleep. Watching old Good Eats episodes instead.

In a lull, Sydney asks Carmy if he believes in soul mates while pointedly not looking at him.

Carmy thinks for a good minute thinks about saying no right away. Then thinks harder. Thinks of Nat and Pete- Jesus. Then says “Ye-yeah I guess I do.”

Syd’s quiet for a while before saying quietly, “I think you’re my soul mate, Carmen.”

Carmy nods and takes a minute to answer. “I know you’re mine, Sydney.”

They don’t move other then to intertwine their fingers, and the angle is awkward like they are but its nice to hold each other’s hand.

He thinks about how she’s the coolest, lamest, kindest, meanest, funniest, smartest girl he’s ever had the privilege of knowing, of working with.

Thinks of how she probably thinks of him as a platonic best friend kind of soulmate.

He wonders if that’s what he meant. Platonic.

He imagines kissing Syd. He imagines touching Syd. He imagines fucking Syd. He imagines making her giggle and squirm and scream and beg. He imagines her holding him down while she rides him, her hands splayed out on his chest her fingers digging into his skin-

He’s going to hell. Like he already knows this but he’s really going to hell.

At some point Syd falls asleep and Carmy carries her to his bed before heading back to the couch. She grabs his wrist and softly asks him to stay with her, voice sleepy and thick. But he can’t deny her. He can never say no to her.

ENGAGEMENTS

Its been a long day, the longest day.

New chefs, new menu, old clients and old problems (Cicero) are plaguing Carmy and Syd.

Their still arguing: about Carmy not listening and Syd still being to impatient.

They take refuge for a few minutes behind the restaurant in the alley on the crates where they had their first heart to heart. Their team trusted enough to wrap up without supervision after the last ticket’s gone out.

Carmy’s smoking a cigarette and Syd’s scrolling but not concentrating on her phone.

He shouldn’t be thinking about it. He promised himself that he wouldn’t.

Promised himself that he wouldn’t cross that line. Wouldn’t taint her with whatever makes him turn shit to ash.

But-but-

It’s been like months since she mentioned going on a date or talking to a guy or a girl or anyone. And it’s been…fuck he’s such a piece of shit cause it’s been great for him.

He doesn’t know what makes him ask. Why his brain jumps to far ahead, skipping every fucking step but it’s what he does.

Makes a mess of things.

After a few minutes of silence Carmy clears his throat, “You wanna get married, Chef?”

Syd is quiet for a while, a long time it seems. “Yes, Chef. Someday.”

Carmy nods not looking at Syd, eyes on his shoes but not really seeing.

He says in a voice almost to quiet to hear, eyes shut tight now, “I meant to me.”

Syd stands and its a moment before Carmy feels fingers running through his hair, tugging slightly to make him look up. Sydney’s got an unreadable expression on her face but then she smiles, a little sadly but mostly fond.

“You really do need to learn to listen you know? I said ‘Yes, Chef’.”

“Heard, Chef.” Carmy replies, eyes following as Syd walks back into The Bear.

Carmy casually brings it up to Sugar. He doesn’t really mean to but it’s Monday, their day off, and they’re meeting for coffee and breakfast. He’s late having stopped at a store just before meeting her. “I think Syd and I are engaged.” “I-I didn’t know you were dating?” Carmy shrugs, shakes his head. “I kind of just asked her?” Sugar nods looks at Mikey in his stroller and sighs. “Let me see it.” She says and Carmy pulls the little red box from his pocket. She opens the box and then closes it and hands it back to him.

“Its good.” Is all she says before their waiter takes their order.

The next morning Syd comes in early and he’s in the office. He calls her over. “Hey can I get your help?” “Obviously.” Syd laughs joining him in the office.

He grabs the box and then stands behind her. “I just I need you to hold onto this for me, for a while okay?” He says arms going up and over her head. The gold band with the three small circular diamonds sparkling slightly in the harsh overhead light of their office.

Sydney’s heart stops she swears it stops but she reaches back to pull her long braids out of the way and he hooks the gold chain around her neck. She fingers the ring now laying on her chest and sighs. Turns around and grabs him by his hair pulling him into a heated messy first kiss.

BREAK UPS

Things are good for a while. Blissful even. They go to work, go to Carmy’s apartment, eat, make love, sleep, repeat.

Syd’s basically living at his place now spending one or maybe two nights a week at her dad’s place. She’s had a key to Carmy’s place since week two of this.

They laugh a lot and joke a lot, or Syd does and makes him smile and laugh and breathe.

And the sex. So much fucking sex. They’re both insatiable in their own way.

But nothing lasts forever.

Syd wants more, needs more. The ring that lays against her skin is like a fucking brand sometimes. It’s all she can think about but they never discuss it. Never even a fleeting question of courthouse or big party?

She does talk about the future though. Insists on it.

He’s her…fuck he’s hers right?

But it scares him. He shuts down when she casually mentions moving to the suburbs or having a kid or kids someday. Or if any of that is even something she wants. But it’s all her and he doesn’t join in just humming and nodding. But noncommittally. And it eats at her.

Sydney’s about fed up. She doesn’t know how she’s supposed to handle him anymore. She wants to be all in but he seems content to just be stagnant.

Outside of the restaurant all they seem to do is fight and ignore each other. They’re so in sync in the kitchen but so disconnected outside of it that it’s jarring. Every night, every phone call, every text is like a bucket of cold water.

Finally after another night of self-flagellation and non-apologies Sydney’s had it.

“I need you to love me more then you hate yourself, Carmen! Or-or this is never going to work.”

Carmy’s quiet for a while and then nods. Agreeing. “You’re right. I’m sorry, you’re right. I can’t-I’m not, you deserve better. You deserve more than this, then what I can give.”

Syd’s panicked as she realizes whats happening. She tries to stop him, to beg him to not do this but Carmy just continues talking over her.

“So you’re just…giving up? You won’t even consider that you could change? Get better, be better?”

“I-want more for you Syd, I want the world for you and I’m holding you back.”

Syd storms into his bedroom and begins packing her things. She wants to hit him but she won’t so she separates herself.

Carmy waits leaning back against his couch.

Not thinking about it. Not going over it.

Dissociating completely. Remembering how it felt in New York, going into work and he was a machine.

When Syd comes back out Carmy starts, “We need to talk about the restaurant.”

Syd scoffs, “Fuck you, Carmen.” “Its important-“ “We were important and you threw that all away.”

Syd leaves back to her dad’s place.

When he finally heads to bed, after standing at the front door for an hour, Carmy looks at the bedside table. There’s her ring on its gold chain and her key with its cheese keychain and-and the stupid fucking lighter she started keeping on her for him. For him.

This is right though. This is what he needs to do. For her.

She’s to special. He never should have…he messed up and she’s tainted now like he is, unhappy and wounded but she’s stronger than he’s ever been. She’ll bound back and stronger too, he’s no doubt about it.

When Carmy tells Sugar that they broke up she explodes. Demanding an explanation. When Carmy does his best to explain she explodes again. “You are the most selfish asshole I have ever met. I can’t-I’m so ashamed of you, Bear.”

When Carmy asks for her explain as to how and why, Sugar does explain although she doesn’t feel he deserves it. “Instead of listening, instead of doing some self reflection, getting help, going to therapy or something, working on yourself you’ve just decided to do nothing. To change nothing even though you’re hurting Syd.”

“I’m trying not to hurt Syd!” He defends but Sugar’s not having it. “You’re being a martyr. I know…I know you thought it would be you. In the ground by now but it’s not, you’re not dead and you’re not going anywhere. You need to start accepting that, you have a life and you need to live it. And your fucking actions have consequences.”

Its a lesson he’s thinks he’s been taught before with the same result, his selfishness hurting Syd (The Brigade, Claire)

“I don’t deserve her, Natalie.”

“You make-you make Syd happy, you make me happy. People love you, they care about you. And you can’t accept that and you push us all away. And it’s not fucking fair, Carmen. Don’t we deserve to have you? To really have you? We all love you so much and you just…you just reject everyone.”

Carmy stares at her as Mikey gnaws on Carmy’s knuckles, his chubby little fingers wrapped around the S and U tattooed on Carmy’s skin. Mikey looks up and smiles and Carmy thinks he understands.

At Sugar’s insistence Carmy contacts a therapist.

HELP WHEN NEEDED

Carmy’s first few therapy sessions go well. “What are you here for?” Terri asks kindly. And he stares then just starts speaking, “I um…own a restaurant, it used to be my brother’s restaurant, well it used to be my mother’s restaurant and my dad’s before he left. But my brother killed himself and he left it to me and I-I changed it, made it into our dream restaurant.” “That is a lot of changes in what I’m guessing is a short amount of time?” He nods and sighs, “I left home a while ago, just left and worked, I’m a-a cook. And I-my sister I just left her to deal with-with our mom, she’s not well,” and he gently taps his temple. “And Sugar, uh, Natalie, I-I left her to deal with her and-and Mike he was um- he was a drug addict, and I’m going to Al-anon but my sister she said, um one-on-one is better. And our dad was gone. And-and I was with my business partner for a minute and I’m so…I’m so fucking in love with her but I-I left her, I broke up with her because she-she asked me to do something I can’t do and she deserves so much, she’s so amazing and she deserves someone who can give her what she wants-what she needs.”

“What did she ask of you, Carmen?” “She uh- she asked me to love her more then I hate myself.” “And is that an unreasonable ask?” “No-it’s-it’s what Sugar’s been wanting me to do for years. But I can’t-I don’t-“ “I see, I think we should start there and I have a feeling much of the rest will fall into place.”

Carmy and Syd have an informal non-discussed truce at work. They avoid each other if possible but for the most part work well.

They do tend to argue more heatedly then ever before when discussing menu changes or really any change to the restaurant. Tina and Marcus discuss, “It’s like…this thing happened and neither of them can move past it or want this place to change past it.”

Richie calls Carmy out after witnessing a particularly rough back and forth. Carmy tells him to get lost but Richie won’t let it go. “This place only fucking works because of the two of you, together. At least for now, with how good she is we’ve only got Syd another year or two and we need her. You need her you fucking idiot.”

Carmy tries coming in early but Syd does the same thing. Alone in the office they hash out their professional issues. Both of them agreeing that they’re having a hard time changing things after the break up, it makes things feel to real.

They come to an understanding that things need to change, they have to keep going, for themselves, for the restaurant.

Syd laughs at how reasonable Carmy is. She says she’s proud of him.

He blushes and nods, “It’s mostly Terri.” “Who’s that?” Syd asks curiously. “My uh…my therapist.” Syd stares at him for a long minute before launching herself at him. He holds her tight as she squeezes him even tighter. They don’t speak but break apart when they hear Nat coming down the hall to the office. Syd’s grinning at him in this new way. He thinks it might be pride.

Carmy’s getting better. Working through his childhood, his parents (separately), his siblings (separately), his school years, his depression, self harm and avoidance, his years under psychotic chefs (New York especially), Claire and his lack of romantic relationships, his anger (“Ah I understand the nickname: Bear” Terri laughs gently when he explains how explosive he gets sometimes, how stubborn he can be) and Sydney, Sydney, Sydney.

Terri reminds him often that he can’t be doing this for Sydney.

“She may move on. May see other people, fall in love, get married, have a family, and you need to be okay with that. You need to get healthy for yourself.”

Carmy’s eighty percent sure if Syd found someone else to make her happy he’d be okay with it. If they treated her like the queen she is he could understand.

He’s not even sure how they got here. They’re sitting in their spot behind the restaurant. He’s got a cigarette in his fingers.

And he asks her, stupidly, about the future. And it’s gets a little heated but nothing to bad; they’re not at each other’s throats. Its like a real adult discussion. “It’s just…you were talking white picket fences and-and the American dream, 2.5 kids and a minivan-“ “You have like- you drive a mini van-” “And its just- that’s not me, and I wasn’t going to hold you back from your dreams. From what you want.” “I wanted you, Carmen. I wanted…any house in the suburbs I wanted because it would be our home. Any kids I wanted was because they would be our kids, your kid. I didn’t-I don’t…that’s what I wanted. I wanted us but you-you just decided for me, Carm. And-and that’s not fair, is it?” Carmy shakes his head and looks at her, watches her get up and walk back into The Bear.

He hadn’t ever considered that, that she might not be wanting the whole perfect family thing but just…a family with-with him.

So no, it wasn’t fair.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

Carmy’s trying to be there for everyone more. Encouraging Marcus and Tina and Ebraheim and the freshman. Getting to know them like he knows the old crew. Getting to know the old crew even better.

The Bear is running better then he ever could have imagined. There are no quiet nights, they’re booked every night with a waiting list three weeks out. Both their food and their stars drawing customers in. They’re on track to pay Cicero back and Nat and baby Mikey are doing so well.

He and Syd have probably never been so in sync. They work out the spring menu in a couple of hours rather then the days they predicted before starting to test recipes. Even the things that don’t turn out inspire them.

They always test at the restaurant now, before shift or after. Never at his apartment like they used to and Carmy misses the closeness, the intimacy of it just being the two of them in his apartment. He doesn’t bring it up though.

Doesn’t dwell on it until Syd kind of invites herself over. She’s been texting him all morning on a Monday, all morning, about this new idea and she’s at the market now getting shit. And he just thumbs up her text then sends, “I’m out of creamer.” She shows up half an hour later laden with grocery bags and in one is her favorite coffee creamer.

It’s kind of a thing after that. They go back to his place after work almost every night to keep working. And Syd sleeps in his bed while he takes the couch. And it’s so close to normal.

And he’s fucked cause this should be normal but it’s not its really not.

Normal is holding her and kissing her and laughing at her mean jokes and making love to her until the sun is coming up and they both know they’ll say they regret it but they won’t.

But he keeps going in this new normal, what anyone else would say is normal, not kissing her.

It feels inevitable. One of their blow out fights. They both try to head it off, signing ‘I’m sorry’ early in service. Tina’s on her game, commanding the freshman but Marcus is losing focus. His sous is on it but they’re to busy for this. And Syd snaps and that’s not like her. Not at all. And poor Marcus is upset now and Syd’s apologizing but she’s flustered and making it worse almost. Carmy calls her back to expo and takes over with Marcus. Getting him out of the weeds. But then Carmy’s on Tina and Syd’s annoyed, cause Tina will fuck him up and it’s the last thing they need tonight. Syd doesn’t mean to but she calls him out, voice loud across the kitchen and they stare each other down. And when they meet in the walk-in the fight is so loud that the whole kitchen hears it. Somehow they’re able to keep on topic but they both know what it’s about. They’re yelling about the team but they’re really yelling about them. The tension between them has reached an unlivable level.

They don’t solve anything that night and when their five minutes are up in the walk-in they go back to work. Apologize to their staff and keep going.

They don’t talk about it for a few weeks. But then one night at Carmy’s Syd grabs his wrist when he retreats from his room, clothes to sleep in tucked under his other arm, from the dresser she insisted he buy while they were…while they were. “Can you…can you stay with me?” She asks and it’s so sweet and perfect and he wants to say no but can’t say no to her. So he nods and changes in the bathroom before going back to his bed-her bed and laying next to her.

They don’t touch. And nothing changes there. But they get back on even footing.

He’s out with Richie and Marcus and Sweeps and Fak and their newish boucher Roy. And it’s good. It’s nice even.

Carmy doesn’t go out. He doesn’t do hang outs. He rarely drinks because he’s always alone and that’s a state of depression he never wanted to walk himself into. But now surrounded by his employees turned friends and family he feels settled. Comfortable.

They get trashed. Absolutely hammered. And as they walk down the street, Marcus and Sweeps sing/rapping a song he vaguely recognizes from Sydney, Carmy thinks of Michael. Of both Michaels actually. Of his brother who cut him off before he could have these moments with him so he has them with Cousin instead. And of little Michael, and the idea runs though Carmy’s head, of years down the line of telling a very Michael-esque story to his nephew of this night and how Michael lives on like that. Thinks of picking the kid up early from school to get ice cream (will Sugar put him down as a trusted adult? He thinks she might). And two am phone calls when he’s at a high school party drunk and he won’t drive but “Uncle Carmy I’m in trouble” and he knows Sugar would kill them both. But Carmy here in Chicago its his how and Mikey’ll grow up with him and trust him and love him. And he’s his favorite uncle…his only uncle. And it’s getting away from him, his thoughts are.

And then they’re standing outside a well lit building. It’s stupid really it is but their hyping each other up and it’s just…really really stupid.

Syd’s at her dad’s for once since Carmy was going to be out all night.

Cousin’s on the couch and groans cursing when Carmy starts the coffee grinder in the morning.

They sit at his little dining table and sip their coffee and nibble at their bagels. Until Richie looks at Carmy strangely.

“What’s on your fucking neck?” “The fuck? How would I fucking know you-“There’s like plastic on your fucking neck, Cousin.” And Carmy drops his bagel as he remembers their last stop of the night.

He’s in his bathroom quickly and pulling the plastic off his throat.

Fuck

In thick black letters stark against his skin is ‘Sydney’.

“RIP, Cousin,” Richie snickers from the bathroom doorway. Carmy flips him off and then sighs turning his head. It’s really fucking on there.

Syd’s going to hold him down and cut it off or maybe he’ll get lucky and she’ll just book him a tattoo removal appointment.

She doesn’t do either. It’s a Monday he thinks, good, it gives her a whole day to fume and get over it. She comes over after Richie leaves around noon. All bubbly and happy taking about this little butcher she found and they’re to small to use as a vendor but they have cool cuts and she’s thinking.

It takes her a minute to notice Carmy still on the couch. “Yo Carm-the fuck is that?” She stops, leans against the arm of the couch, fingers digging into the fabric.

“Look, we got really fucking drunk last night. And hit up some shitty tattoo place. And-and Marcus got this huge pink donut on his fucking thigh and-and I got this.” He gestures vaguely at his neck.

And then he suddenly got a lap full of Sydney. Laughing and cooing at him. “You fucking loser! You got my fucking name on your neck! What the hell were you thinking Carm?” But she’s grinning and her hands are in his hair and she’s more amused then angry. And she’s so fucking beautiful, he can’t help but lean up and kiss her, she kisses him back and it good. It’s right.

It’s perfect.

They’re so caught up that it seems the most natural thing in the world for them to spend the rest of the afternoon on Carmy’s couch. Fucking in every position they can get each other into.

They make dinner after a hour nap and sit at his little dining table. And they don’t talk about it. They don’t talk about it and they don’t repeat it.

#the bear #carmy x sydney #sydcarmy #syd x carmy #sydney adamu #carmen berzatto #the bear fanfiction #the bear fanfic #the bear fic

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blackjack-15 · 5 months

Text

I KNEW NAT WAS PREGNANT i did not know she knew she was but i knew it!

RICHIE NO HONEY

"is that it?" *boink* "yeah" the bear is a comedy. full stop.

ebra you can do it baby i believe in you and i love you

and carmy's still cooking, still working. him and ebra.

oh syd's mum isn't there. she's not there is she she's dead or she's left or something

that was an Adorable story and i wanna see Syd imitate her mum who is definitely dead

oh candles. yeah. so why did she talk about her in the present tense to marcus? hiding it? hiding means there's prolly some trauma, and her mum wouldn't have been that old if she was the same age as her dad (he said they were both twenty when they started dating) so i'm gonna say sickness. might have been sudden, might have been prolonged, but sickness took her is my guess

"carm?" oh. i think i know who thiiiiiis issss

"claire. hi." yes, yes i did know who this is. that's not an enthusiastic reaction from carmy, but to be absolutely fair, he's rarely enthusiastic.

he is however very nervous here -- defensive posture, his face is red, tense jaw, etc. not sure these two were friends when they knew each other -- not saying they were enemies or anything, i'm just not getting the sense that they hung out much

mmm. based on this convo with syd and her dad? he's never been to The Beef in his LIFE. it would come up that they've closed down his Usual Sunday Place to do this if he had. adding that to the list of chekov's guns yet to be fired, and it's gonna be a friggin chekov's cannon ball depending on when that fuse is finally lit

"i have a partner!" "and you trust him" "yes!" gosh dangit. the subtext is text all right but like....conflict is coming

"i'm older than her now" oh land her mum died young then. and she does not believe her dad when he says she's just as wonderful as her mum was

i'm really hoping richie is gonna take a shower. that cannot be healthy

kay still talking with claire! great that doesn't make me nervous about this season at all!

"you wanted to fix [the broken arm]?" "i wanted to understand it" a very valid viewpoint, not knocking it.

but it does show the difference between them -- carmy, like in the party with the kids, like when he's checking in with richie and natalie and syd and tina, wants to help people, wants to fix stuff for them. claire wants to understand how things work -- two different approaches, two different foci.

oh. mm.

okay. okay. okay.

first off, carmy's "i should really listen to myself" about telling that kid not to become a chef? further proof if you ask me that carmy will end up stepping back from professional kitchens in some way

but

if someone so obviously does not want to be doing what they're doing -- if someone says they should not be a chef, for example, and then says that they're opening a restaurant? the first question most people would ask is: "why are you doing that then"

what claire says is "you're doing the thing!" which. i don't actually have words for that response. what in the brain-dead -- i don't care if that's what you remember of him from school or being kids or whatever, how on earth is that the response?

"because you're the bear. and i remember you." spit bucket please!

who the eff says that in a grocery store to someone holding frozen veal stock

he has absolutely no idea how to take that, wow.

in fact, yeah, i don't think carmy has any idea how to deal with personal attention like that, and he needs people to be fairly direct b/c he's sort of oblivious when it comes to how people think/act around him specifically -- he seems to understand People as a General Concept pretty well, just not as they relate to him -- which speaks to abominable self-esteem and i'm going to guess that when he says "i never had any girlfriends" it's not because a few girls (it was probably only two or three, especially being as Carmy as he is, but still) weren't interested in him, it's because he absolutely did not notice, God bless him and keep him

"i'll just get your contact information" oh here it issss here's the thing i know about

and they were so careful to have him recite his number earlier so we'd know what it is

"01....0....2." it's a VERY deliberate choice to give her the wrong number. this isn't a spur of the moment choice, he thought this through. and when she repeats it back and he has the chance to say "oh no 01 sorry", he just says "yup", no hesitation. they're emphasizing to the view that he's okay leaving it there, that this is done on purpose, that he's lying and that he knows he's lying

now there are a multitude of reasons for him doing this. if you think he does actually want contact with her, then it could be he doesn't believe she actually would want to talk to him, he doesn't have any idea how to handle her and is running, etc.

you could even say that this is classic Carmy repression -- he's not letting himself do something he wants to do because he's repressing the desire for it. that one's probably the strongest argument -- really the only valid argument -- on that side

but.

i think that the reason to have this in this episode specifically? is because he and syd have that conversation about the three-star call in this episode

remember what he says? first 10 seconds feels like a panic attack, b/c you know you'll have to keep it up. your brain skips any sort of joy or celebration, and settles instead on dread. that's carmy's experience with getting an honor few get in the culinary world, and it shows that he's actually not happy in being a Chef-with-a-capital-C. this episode fairly beats that into the viewer, honestly

i think it's the same thing here. he knows if he gives her his number that he'll have to keep it up. his brain skips any sort of happiness and settles on dread. and -- finally taking his own advice here, probably because he just mentioned he should take his own advice, carmy is quite introspective, he's just a little Blocked when it comes to his own emotions -- he decides that it's not worth it. the panic and the dread and the sheer effort it would take to maintain this is not worth it

this conversation is not shot like it's easy. carmy's leaning on the side of the freezer like he needs something to physically prop himself up. the lighting is great for claire, who's comfortable, but it washes carmy out, makes him look even more tired.

full disclosure, i don't know anything more than the fact that she goes behind his back (!!! i will have words!!) in the coming episodes sometime to get his real number, that's the extent of my knowledge.

but even without knowing that, watching this conversation? this isn't a full-fledged chekov's gun, this is at most a chekov's water pistol. she's gonna be here, but she's not gonna be omnipresent. her presence -- which i'm guessing will work largely as a distraction, pulling carmy away from The Bear, as well as being a Specter of the Past -- will cause conflict, rather than build a relationship. shot in the dark work, but given that we're shown how Carmy has a problem going all-or-nothing, and last season he went overboard on the "all" part of that, i'm guessing this season she'll be used to demonstrate the "nothing" part of his personality

which will cause problems and conflict, yes, and also provide an opportunity for the other chefs in the kitchen to grow into the roles they'll need to fill in carmy's eventual (permanent) exit from the kitchen. i get the feeling that the sign for "sorry" introduced here is gonna get quite a bit of airtime

this is long and rambly, but yeah! that's episode 2 -- two very relaxed season openers, i'll note -- we've got 8 to go, and i can feel the un-caged bear getting restless enough to start causing a ruckus....

#the bear #liveblogging #2X02 #that's the last post for tonight! my best friend is off the plane so i shall go chat with her probably and then sleep!#really enjoying this and i just know that the Conflict and Chaos that so marks the bear as a show is gonna start #so that was claire! interesting meeting her! she seems kinda like a nothingburger rn but oh. i know she's gonna get Worse #it's the only thing i know so i'm looking forward to the context to see if it makes it better or worse or different #no idea if i'm watching tomorrow since NYE but we shall see! i like this two-eps-a-day sort of thing i should finish by end of next week #possibly earlier but we shall see #once again block the liveblogging tag if this is awful for you! liveblogging just helps me parse the show #and there's a whole lot to parse

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