#also i think my mom thinks therapists are bullshit bc the one she hired for me last time i tried | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

troglobite · 2 years

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i doubt anyone will read this bc either tumblr is hiding most of my posts or ppl (rightly) skip over my read more posts bc they’re a bunch of fucking bullshit

but anyway warning i get extremely fucking depressed and talk about wanting to die. i’m fine, i’m safe. nothing’s going to happen. but fucking christ, man.

anyway on with the post--

i’m trying to figure out a productive and healthy way to express this

i want to be dead

i wish i was dead

i don’t want to be alive

i hate everything

it’s all hopeless and i don’t want to exist

i don’t necessarily feel like this all the time

i’m finding other jobs (my mom is, because i’m a pathetic useless lump who deserves to be summarily executed for the crime of ever having been born)

i’m working on my miss frizzle game (not right now, bc rn i’m struggling through a job app and fighting off the feeling of wanting to die)

i just sent an email about a possible commission of my clownsona

but ultimately

i have nothing to live for

the world is actively falling apart around me and I FUCKING KNOW i’m supposed to find something productive to do to help, something to focus on that helps the world in some way, so that i don’t feel this way

but there is nothing. there is nothing i can do.

the joke is that i have spent every day since JANUARY 2020 doing everything in my power to keep from getting sick and to keep from dying

and my desire to not want to be alive anymore doesn’t mean that i’m going out and huffing covid patients’ breath or licking door handles in public schools

in no way shape or form do i want THOSE (plagues) to be my mode of death

i haven’t really thought that far ahead, so i guess that’s something. i’m not planning much of anything. i probably won’t.

which is why i just.

need to say this SOMEWHERE where people won’t freak out and report me. because i’m not going to do anything.

but i don’t think i can say anything to my therapist on friday.

and my friends (the extremely small number of them that even exist) aren’t in any headspace to deal with this.

but i just have to PUT THIS SOMEWHERE.

i’m lonely. i have no legitimate prospects. i’m going to lose my job in two weeks even though my boss had 7 months to talk to me about any of this or warn me and she hasn’t, and she STILL hasn’t. i’m still, officially, completely in the dark about my job.

i’ve spent the majority of this year so far fighting with people at the university over this fucking lousyass job.

and now the first job i had lined up back in may stopped hiring, and they STILL aren’t hiring

and now the SECOND job i had lined up isn’t hiring anymore

and i’m having to cave to all of these fucked up questionable high stress positions that won’t pay much

i’m having to grovel on my knees, on my stomach, for any fucking job

because i have to work from home

why? because i refuse to get sick and die because of capitalism

but also that situation in and of itself makes me wish i was dead

my mom is leaving in two weeks, as well, right as i lose my job.

for the world’s most dangerous country-long road trip for a “celebration of life” for her older sister who was chronically ill for 20 year before passing. and somehow no one sees the fucking DEADLY IRONY of holding a CELEBRATION OF LIFE in the middle of TWO UNRESOLVED UNCONTROLLED HIGHLY DEADLY HIGHLY DANGEROUS PANDEMICS

so i get to sit ALONE in the house

in absolute terror and agony and fear and heartsickness

trying to figure out a new job on my own

and just. deal with. everything. on my own.

i don’t have anyone or anything.

what’s the point? what is the FUCKING point?

i look at myself and i hate myself with so much fucking virulent DISGUST

i’m so tired.

i’m so tired of trying and failing and being shit on or exploited or hated or disregarded

i took one voice acting/over class. that led nowhere.

i wanted to do this INCREDIBLE shakespeare course. it’s just never going to happen. i’ve asked.

i applied TWICE to a free workshop for people just getting into recording audiobooks. i’ve been denied BOTH times.

i tried a new job last year that went so poorly i quit in three months.

i applied to TWO editorial internships at publishing houses. i was rejected for one and the other one is w fucking PRH which is embroiled in that lawsuit right now. FUN.

i applied to a freelance editor position last year for a kids publishing house. after 6 months, they FINALLY rejected me because i “wasn’t up to their standards”. even though the application call went out on TWITTER and asked for ANYONE OF ANY LEVEL OF EXPERIENCE to apply, particularly from marginalized groups. it literally said we did NOT need to know ALL of their in-house editing rules on our editing sample test, bc we would be taught on the job. and then 6 months later they said “no, fuck you, you’re trash”

i ALMOST got a preceptor position at a university for a theater course with a GREAT professor who i really liked (based on our interactions in the interview), but then he ghosted me for 2 weeks bc his university stopped allowing out of state hires. i emailed him again recently and he said sorry, same problem. i’ll reach out if we ever solve it/can hire out of state again.

i’m just. tired of trying. and failing. and having nothing work out. or being rejected for stupid reasons.

and then this week finding out that my superior and EIC for the journal i work for at my job thinks that i was “mean” to a fucking lousyass student who CHEATED on their paper. i called them out on it--they didn’t read ANY of their sources and demonstrated a complete lack of understanding about rape, rape culture, toxic masculinity, power, and sexual assault, and i’m just supposed to LET THAT SLIDE? i don’t care if this is supposed to be a supportive and encouraging environment--I WAS BEING ENCOURAGING AND SUPPORTIVE BY BEING HONEST WITH THE STUDENT INSTEAD OF LETTING THAT SHIT FLY.

i’m just trash! i’m fucking trash!

no one wants to play my fucking miss frizzle game! no one wants to talk to me! or play games with me! I DON’T FUCKING MATTER!

I TRULY JUST DON’T MATTER!

my life is fucking pathetic and empty and useless and occasionally i try to do something to fill the vacuous empty void eating me alive and i just feel WORSE. more consumption and wasteful spending to try and make ME feel better. i deserve to die.

i deserve to be dead.

i’m tired of being here.

i don’t have any hope for anything. it’s just status quo until the majority of us go up in flames or underwater or away in winds or in a fucking shooting or a plague or a war or SOMETHING. WHO KNOWS.

i never, not once, thought that i would die young. i hoped i wouldn’t. i made it through my teenage years without any serious su/cidality.

and now here i am. 27, almost 28. in the middle of two plagues. fascism on the rise. no hopes or prospects in my personal life. nothing to really LIVE for.

it’s pathetic and disgusting and i wish i was dead. i wish i had anyone or anything to live for. not to put it all on them, but so that i could process this shit on my own and not feel this way.

but instead here i am. typing it all out on tumblr like some pathetic fucking loser.

i’ll probably fucking delete this, too, it’s fucking gross and embarrassing and it’s not anyone’s problem but my own. i know no one cares or has the energy/wherewithal space to care.

but in case you’re wondering why it might seem like i haven’t been reaching out or caring--

this is partly why.

the other reason is that if we mostly talk over tumblr then tumblr has cut off all of my major forms of communication with y’all. i’m being deliberately isolated even more than i already am.

this is just. pathetic. and hopeless. idk what to do with any of this. i want to break something. i want to take a sledgehammer and break things until my body falls apart.

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clementiens · 6 years

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catsolo replied to your post “i think those “here are ways to talk to ur doctors so they will...”

or that bullshit they do when you tell them “these are my symptoms, i think i have *this issue* ” and they just tell you “no, you don’t have *that issue*, nothing to worry about “ instead of looking into it any further and saying “Actually the reason for your symptoms is *this other issue* “ so you have to research every possible medical explanation for your symptoms because apparently they only respond to yes or no questions ��

bdhfgdfhgfh i hate that so much, when i first talked to the doctor i had at the time about thinking i had fibromyalgia i was like “here are many reasons this would make sense for me both wrt symptoms and history” and i was told to just see a therapist without being given any referrals or tests until like months later. like even if someone is wrong they might as well just rule it out and might end up finding what it actually is in the process anyway??its so weird how so many doctors just like shut down when you have.like..A Thought on what Might be going on w your own body

and like not to turn this into an essay dkfjgh but theres a reason for this that i found out recently and it makes me....absolutely furious

medical schools hire actors to play disabilities to give med students practice diagnosing (which is a whole horrible mess on its own like able-bodied ppl literally putting on makeup and stuff to make themselves Look Sick, so unless you look like someone purposefully making themselves look sick, which a lot of people dont, they assume you cant really be sick) BUT ALSO actors come in w scripts for med students to practice finding people who are faking for painkillers

and one of the red flags that theyre told to look out for is basically just. patients having too much input. even if someone just knows that certain medications affect them differently and ask for something specific (like my mom is able-bodied but has some really weird reactions to some meds and she has to be like “no do not give me that i need this instead”), theyre taught its a red flag and even if they arent Consciously like “yeah this person is obviously just trying to pull one over on me for painkillers” the association is still gonna be there and theyre still going to be dismissive about it bc thats what they were taught to do and its just like wildly fucked up

#catsolo #just didnt want to be annoying on anyones dashboard its not That long its like a couple paragraphs #this is one of those things i just cant help myself dkfjgh itll come up even tangentially and im like DID U KNOW. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT #my rage@the medical system functions a little too much like how i am w a special interest lol

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undergroundbandimagines · 3 years

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7 Lessons from Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” That Will Get You Through a Divorce

7 Lessons from Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” to Get You Through a Divorce

Recovering from a marriage to a narcissist adds an added layer of complexity

By dmitry_islentev for Shutterstock

Recovering from a divorce after a 20-year marriage is never an easy feat. Therapist Susan Pease Gadua in Psychology Today likens the undoing of a marriage to, “Trying to disentangle two trees that have grown next to each other for years. The more intertwined the root systems are, the longer it will take for the trees to go their separate ways.”

Recovering from a marriage to a narcissist adds an added layer of complexity and a few extra hurdles to get over before you can feel whole again. And divorcing a narcissist is not for the faint of heart. Yes, this too (like a gallstone) shall pass, but first, it’s going to hurt. And you’re going to need to strategize.

If you’re like me, you may not have unpacked this emotional baggage until after the marriage, and you may not have a full understanding that you are, in fact, married/separating from a narcissist. All you know is you’ve been lied to, lied about, and he is accusing you of his actual behavior, which is maddening.

According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, someone who is an expert in the field of narcissism, “narcissistic” is an adjective, it’s not a diagnosis. It’s a descriptive term that usually signifies a personality pattern. It is characterized by patterns like inconsistent or superficial empathy, entitlement, grandiosity, arrogance, superficiality, chronic validation-seeking, hypersensitivity, a propensity towards rage, especially when the person is frustrated or disappointed, and then incapacity to deal with frustration and disappointment.

The first thing to understand, according to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, is that narcissists love to win. “It motivates everything they do. They actually believe you can win in relationships, so it’s a big thing to them. They really love the idea that their partner will get destroyed after the relationship ends, which is why narcissistic divorces can be very expensive.”

Now, you may be a kind and gentle, loving soul. The kind of person who scoops up spiders to let them live, just not in your house. (OK, I am not that person). The point is, it’s time to grow a pair. You don’t have to sink to their level — instead, you must rise above it.

You might be wondering what a Chinese general, military strategist and reputed author born in 544 BC could know about egomaniacal showrunners, forensic accounting, and family court, but I find that Sun Tzu’s profound wisdom of outsmarting your enemy, plotting several moves ahead, and getting inside the head of your opponent are time-tested winning strategies.

Even if you have to stomach an expensive divorce, you will be better prepared going in with Sun Tzu’s knowledge. And hopefully, with fewer surprises, it will be a shorter ordeal.

The Art of War lesson #1

“Move swift as the Wind and closely-formed as the Wood. Attack like the Fire and be still as the Mountain.”

Translation: you cannot mediate. You may have a loving friend or relative advise you to mediate because it is the kinder and gentler route, the route that saves money. The problem with this is that successful mediation requires complete disclosure, laying everything on the table and there can be no power imbalance. If you are married to someone who lies and cheats, what makes you think you will have fairness and transparency in mediation?

This is a waste of everyone’s time and money. I still receive polite bills from Geraldine, the kind woman who did her level best for two years to try to end this marriage before she pulled me aside at our fifth mediation and said, “You cannot mediate with this person.”

File for divorce. It’s the only way.

Lesson #2

“Know your enemy and know yourself and you can fight a hundred battles without disaster.”

If he is sneaky, guess what? He will try things in court that are dirty and sneaky. He will hire sleazy lawyers that specialize in high-end bullshit. Remember, you are that closely-formed wood. Know yourself, and don’t be rattled by his bullshit tactics.

Case in point: One of my husband’s strategies was to convince the court I was a dreadful parent who drove the family to financial ruin. But, like the Peanuts characters listening to an adult, what the state of California hears is, “wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.” It still comes down to: what is your shit worth? How much does this guy make? I put my career on hold to raise our children and create a lovely home. Alimony, child support, bing, bang, boom.

In his arrogance, the ex and his lawyers announced that since I had driven the family to financial ruin he would be keeping the pension. The only problem with that is — the law! We didn’t really need to reinvent the wheel, yet here we were, reinventing the wheel, to the tune of a six-figure legal fee.

Lesson #3 (a two-parter)

“It is only the enlightened ruler and the wise general who will use the highest intelligence of the army for the purposes of spying, and thereby they achieve great results.”

“Foreknowledge cannot be gotten from ghosts and spirits, cannot be had by analogy, cannot be found out by calculation. It must be obtained from people, people who know the conditions of the enemy.”

Subpoena folks. Have your team seek records from reliable sources to get the actual factual documents you need. Subpoena people who have his documents and his contracts. Do a forensic accounting. Check out his girlfriend’s Instagram. It may be quite enlightening. Even better if she has a blog detailing the timeline with everything you need to know.

Lesson#4

“Conceal your dispositions, and your condition will remain secret, which leads to victory; show your dispositions, and your condition will become patent, which leads to defeat.”

If you’re feeling a little bamboozled and you’ve just gotten out of a marriage in which you were emotionally manipulated for years, you may not be used to standing your ground and remaining poker-faced.

What the narcissist desperately needs is attention and he/she needs to know that he matters in your life. When you resist those crazy calls, emails, and texts and simply don’t engage, it is maddening for them. Dr. Durvasula says, “You win when you don’t give them the fight because the fight is what they want.”

I say, not mattering is the biggest wound the narcissist can receive from the person who used to hold his hand in empathy and believe the crap he shoveled. It throws them off their center. It also enrages them, but your secret weapon is not giving a shit anymore. It helps unnerve them, and more importantly, it helps you lay the ground for getting back to yourself, remembering how strong you can be, and finding your way out so you can move on.

Lesson #5

“It is the unemotional, reserved, calm, detached warrior who wins, not the hothead seeking vengeance and not the ambitious seeker of fortune.”

You may want to seek revenge on your ex for any number of grievances, but consider whether going for the jugular in court is just something you could work out (much less expensively and without involving law enforcement) in therapy. Dragging things out will drain both of you, both emotionally and financially. It’s time to break free and leave emotion out of the proceedings.

Lesson #6

“Anger may in time change to gladness; vexation may be succeeded by content. But a kingdom that has once been destroyed can never come again into being; nor can the dead ever be brought back to life.”

No, we won’t be having Thanksgiving together, thanks.

My ex-husband is mortally offended when he is not invited to Thanksgiving. At my apartment. With my family, who hates him. And yet he engages my younger daughter in this fantasy that, gee, it would be so nice if we could all do things as a family if only Mom wasn’t so bitter!

A huge part of separating from this person is becoming grounded, once again, in your own reality. You are entitled to your feelings, and the idea of sucking it up because it’s good for the kids is bullshit. What’s good for the kids is living in reality. What’s good for the kids is knowing their mother is true to her feelings. That she matters. We can now have lovely, separate, but equal holiday events. You don’t get to sit down and have a slice of my bitchin’ pecan pie at my table that would put Martha Stewart to shame. No. Not this year, not any year. Boundaries.

Right now you’re swimming with sharks, and this may well be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but you will get through it, one day at a time. You are fierce. Rely on your senses — no one can tell you that what you heard must have been a mistake, what you witnessed was distorted, and no one can deny your experience. Hold your center, no matter how much he tries to throw you off.

Lesson #7

“In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity.”

When you are finally divorced, that is an accomplishment in itself. The going got tough, and you proved you could get going and get it done. You fought for yourself and you probably turned out to be much stronger than you realized.

The truth is, up is the only way to go now. Hold a vision of yourself in a happier place where you are in control of your life. It will be a lot to unpack — therapy is an excellent tool to help with this — but get through the fight and lean on your village for all the support you need.

It’s a beautiful thing to regain freedom, peace, and financial independence, and when you get there, it’s going to feel so good.

7 Lessons from Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” That Will Get You Through a Divorce was originally published in P.S. I Love You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

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