man lol, i just keep thinking about all the fucked up (fictional) things i've seen and read, things with incredibly dark and disturbing themes. i don't think i've mentioned this before but there's small stuff involving rick and julie that never was posted publicly that has some dark shit in it, not to anything i would consider overly extreme...but it was there. and i mentioned the beastality fics i read from that one person made me wanna write one too, but i only got like a paragraph or so in, never reaching anything explicit as far as memory serves, before deciding i was uncomfortable with writing it and deleting the fic, including in the recycle bin(i know cause i can't find it). i feel bad for going that far, but also kinda glad in a way, because i established boundaries for myself and realized while i don't mind consuming content of that nature, making it myself is something i can't do.

and yet even after all that, and the real video i curse my morbid curiosity for intentionally seeking out, i've never wanted to hurt anybody. i still feel bad over the smallest things. the most i get is intrusive thoughts. i don't have any kind of trauma, i just look at this shit because of my morbid curiosity, and i'm pretty desensitized so it doesn't bother me personally, but i understand why it bothers other people. i don't look at that kinda stuff as much as i used to, i suppose i just don't care anymore.

i also got to thinking of all the times i purposefully went against site rules to look up porn as a teenager, because i wanted to. i remember on one of my da accounts, i purposefully made my age 18 to look at all the mature content i wanted to. and i went down rabbit holes that led me to find the person behind those beastality fics i read, and unfortunately led me to find shadman, who i really liked for some reason at like 15/16, somewhere around there(also i saw someone say he removed the beastality content from his site which is just...hilarious...dude has drawn porn of real children and apparently his mother, yet beastality porn involving nobody real is too far? lmao okay). i still have deep regrets about that but i'm working on it.

and i mentioned feeling heated when reading those beastality fics, and when imagining things of that nature in my head. but it doesn't seem to happen anymore, not sure what that means still. and it's never just happened there, my body just seems selective lol, like i had been writing some smut when that popped up that was between two normal human characters. so again idk, i guess it does it when it wants.

sometimes my brain got worried that if i wasn't ace, i'd be...you know..but i was reading and it only counts as a paraphilia if that bleeds into real life, which it never has for me. so i feel like i'm good on that. and sometimes you can be into something purely in a fictional/fantasy setting, but not like it in real life.

i don't know what the point of this was? i just had some more stuff to let out i've been meaning to.