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witchoftheewilds · 1 year

Text

Dead Flowers

Pairing: Joel Miller x Reader

Words: 2k+

Warnings: mentions of sex, nudity, death, and angst. Lord this shit is pure angst. Joel may or may not be a little OOC here. I'm just going off what the series Joel makes me feel not game Joel.

a/n: So, I wasn’t sure if I was going to post this. It's been almost four months since I've written anything and suddenly, I had a moment of writing this in an hour. It probably shows from the errors I didn't see, but I will die on that hill. I started replaying TLOU the other night and realized the small differences between Troy Baker’s Joel and Pedro’s. Nothing crazy, but Pedro’s Joel just seems a bit more…rugged? Brutal? And I kinda like love it a lot. @deadneverlander thank you for always being the bestie I've needed and supporting me when I can't support myself. You are amazing. Comments are always welcome. Hope someone out there enjoys this. Much love, Jenn.

____________________

It’s been six days since the so-called incident.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

Spittallike venom coated the corner of his mouth. His eyes wildly took in your face waiting for you to break. He wanted you to tell him he was right and you were wrong, but he wasn’t the only one who was stubborn.

“I’m not going to apologize for trying to save somebody.”

And there it was.

His eyes glistened with a wrath that could’ve made the entirety of hell repent. Somehow, you’d found what little strength you had left to not budge under his gaze; refusing to waiver and take back something that was already done.

What would’ve been the point in trying to change the past when there was no Time Machine to do it? When you knew - deep down - you’d be making the same mistake over and over in his eyes.

He called you sloppy. Reckless. Irrational. Irrational because you cared. Giving a fuck about anything outside of your own survival will get yourself killed.

“You’re going to get yourself - one of the team - killed all because you let your feelings get in the way.”

It wasn’t about the team. The team was an excuse. The team was a bunch of sad sacks of shits who found a use for one another in order to survive. No, what Joel meant but wouldn’t say had nothing to do with the team. Just you.

You were the unexpected kink in his armor he never saw coming.

You wanted to snap at him every time Joel spoke in your direction. Your own venom packed response building at the back of your throat like bile - rising up to scream questions of why the fuck did he still keep you around knowing you’d never get an answer.

You wanted to believe it was because of the sex. Deep down you knew something worse than spores had begun to fester between you both. Something neither one of you dared bring up in case it caused you to go down in flames. Truth was, if Joel didn’t feel the same way, you knew his rejection would kill you faster than Mother Nature’s fucked up creation ever could. So, you kept silent and harbored a growth of your own. One that was slowly beginning to kill you.

When you’d gotten back inside the safety of the compound’s walls you’d planned on heading straight to your apartment. You needed a shower. You needed to get the grim of death scrubbed free from your body. You’d made it all of ten feet when you felt a large hand grab you from behind. Your instincts roared for you to find the upper hand as adrenaline flooded your system. Your body is already tensing up for the upcoming impact of the wall just before your back makes contact.

With your teeth bared and muscles taut you were ready to fight. Your shoulder blades touched down on the brick first. A small rush of air huffed through your nose as your back took the rest of the impact.

“Motherfucker-“ you snapped, your arms wiggling to loosen his grip on your arms enough to get some leverage.

When your eyes adjusted on your attacker's face you weren’t surprised to find Joel there. And just like that every defense came crashing down. You could already feel yourself soften as your name passed over his lips.

“What?”

“What in the hell is wrong with you, huh? Why would you do that? You know better.”

Joel was right, of course. You did know better. Everyone did. You just hadn’t been able to let that little piece of hope inside you die all the way just yet. It was something Joel hated. It was something he knew would get you killed.

While Joel waited for an answer you allowed yourself to take in the contours of his face. The hard lines of his brow as he concentrated on you - waiting for a response. He was trying for anger but you saw in his eyes now the same thing you’d seen as you broke cover and ran towards the girl. Fear.

It’d been a flash. If you’d blinked you would’ve missed it, but you’d seen it. Heard it in the way he called after you as your legs sprinted forward and bounding over leftover debris from the bombing. Felt it in the desperation that spread through his words as he shouted, “Get back here!”

But you couldn’t. All you could see was a small child - a little girl - lost and alone. Crying for some fool to save her. You’d been just the fool she’d been crying for.

A rough hand encased your cheek bringing you back to the present. Away from the fresh memory that was digging itself a home inside your brain to join all the rest of the tragedy it harbored there. What was one more?

“What do you want from me, Joel? An apology?”

“No, I don’t want a goddamn apology. I want you to make it make sense why you would do that. You know she was as good as dead already.”

Joel liked to think he was more methodical than you but in reality, Joel had a tendency to be as equally impulsive as you. He just wanted to pretend his moral code died the same day his daughter did. He wanted to believe he'd encased himself so deep in stone he was untouchable.

Joel’s reputation of being ruthless preceded him. You’d seen it in action the first smuggling job you’d taken with him. A small group of four of you ended with only two of you making it back. His clothes were covered in specks of gore and dirt and the earth shattering spark of hell that ignited in the dark obsidian of his eyes. It was noticeable in the cautious way he carried himself - even more noticeable in the wary movements everyone subconsciously took when they approached him. The tension in their shoulders rose up until their jaws were baring down so tight you could hear their teeth crack.

It’s how it had gone with every job you’d taken in the beginning. Everyone was so wary of him - you must have missed the danger sign completely. It wasn’t until the fifth job you’d worked together that he’d started to trust you.

Trust. What a delicate thing.

“Do you trust me?”

The words left before you could stop them. The anger that’d marked his forehead lightened as worry took its place.

“Why you askin’ something like that?”

“It’s a simple question, Joel. Do. You. Trust. Me. Yes or no.”

You couldn’t explain why your mind raced back to the first time he’d claimed you. A part of you wanted that right now. To shut you up with a seal of his lips on yours.

Shut me up. Shut me up before I regret this.

It had started raining. The storm coming in quicker than either of you’d anticipated. Your shoulders were sore and beginning to bruise from the weight of the cargo inside your pack. You’d told Joel it wouldn’t be a problem and that you could make it back to the QZ without any issues. So, when he’d called to find shelter until the worst of the storm had passed the relief had been instant.

“We’ll hunker down here for the night. Hopefully, by the time the sun rises we’ll be back on the road.”

“Sounds good. I’m going to change into warmer clothes.”

There was no missing the slow smirk that rose on his lips. His body folded to sit on what piece of the couch didn’t have springs and holes jetting out between mildewed fabric.

“Something funny?”

“Not at all. You’d do a lot better to pack more ammo for your pistol than extra clothes.”

“Clothes are a necessity,” you chimed in response.

You dared a glance over your shoulder at his large frame. His body finally reclining back, an arm lazily slung over, as he confined to watch you search through your bag. What were you even trying to find again? Oh, right. Clothes.

Joel was distracting in that rugged handsomeness sort of way. A way you wish you could pretend you’d never started to notice. It was becoming a distraction and one you promised yourself once you finished this job you wouldn’t worry about anymore. No more jobs equaled no more being finely attuned to the presence of an emotionally unavailable man.

“Ammo is a necessity, sweetheart. The importance of clothes isn’t that high on my list of what’s gonna keep me alive.”

His drawl thickened around the last and you fought not to shiver. Sweetheart was new and the tenderness of it wasn’t lost on you. Sweetheart was going to get you killed.

“I’ll remember that the next time I catch hypothermia from fighting runners in the nude.”

His deep laugh warmed your skin leaving a heated flush across your skin. You tried your best to distract yourself from him. Get the clothes. Go to the bathroom. You felt rooted to the spot. Your eyes took in a rare smile that crinkled his eyes in a way that softened him and turned him human.

“Wouldn’t that be a sight.”

“The spare clothes stay,” you replied, your arm tucking your said spare clothes against your chest. “I’ve got you to hold the ammo.”

You could’ve sworn as you turned towards the bathroom, you’d heard him mutter, “That you do, sweetheart,” but you chalked it up to your mind playing tricks on you. Joel wasn’t like that. He wasn’t ruled by emotion and, as much as you fought to say neither were you, you knew you were.

Joel was a perfect example that your emotions couldn’t be trusted. Maybe that was the excuse you used for the reason you’d left the bathroom door cracked just enough for Joel to have a perfect view as you undressed. You’d blame it on the door being too rotted to move or being delirious from the cold.

You could feel his eyes on you as you stripped with your eyes trained on your reflection inside the mirror. The moss that grew through the cracks distorting your image and betraying the facade of your calm expression with wide eyes. It wasn’t until after you’d taken the last leg out of your jeans that you felt him enter the room.

Your eyes catching him inside the mirror. You weren’t exactly sure why you froze. Your next breath caged inside your legs with you unwilling to release it as you waited for his next move. It felt like minutes passed within that brief moment and somewhere within that time your initial uncertainty began to thaw. The mirror was trashed, but it was enough to catch the way his eyes hungrily drank in your body.

You started to pivot on your feet to turn to face him when a calloused hand stopped you. The dampness of his shirt touched against the skin of your back eliciting a soft gasp to fill the room. The hand that held you steady moments before snaked around your front and dipped lower. You were pressed tightly against his chest now, and the bite of the cold that had been there seconds before was gone. Replaced now with the growing heat that stirred within your bones.

It wasn’t until you felt the weathered skin of his lips against your ear that you realized you were leaning against him fully for support.

“I can keep you warm. Would you like that, sweetheart?”

A pleading sound rose up in your chest. A sharp nod all you could manage as you turned your head those few inches to meet the intensity of his gaze. Joel wanted to hear you say it. He wanted to hear the words of submission come from you, and you were all too eager to give them.

“Yes.”

With one simple word you signed yourself over to him and Joel sealed his mouth over yours. The kiss was nothing sensual or romantic. It was an assault of lips and teeth. A thrashing of claiming as his arms wound around you, constricting you closer with a hand greedily filling up your breasts. Your nipples pinched deliciously between his thumb and index.

Joel fucked you hard against the old porcelain sink until it broke.

Looking at him now, you wondered if Joel realized yet that his eyes were full of pleading. You wondered if you told him what he was giving away f he’d release the hold he had on your face, his thumb lightly stroking at your bottom lip, as he searched your face for an answer you couldn’t give him.

“Do. You. Trust-“

“What kind of fuckin question is that?”

“A real one. An honest one.”

A few beats of your heart later and a sigh of recognition hefted itself off his shoulders. He thought this was a game. Maybe tell you what you need to hear and you would stop with this foolishness.

“Yes, goddamn it. You know I do. What does it matter-“

“It matters to me. It matters to know that you’ll trust me to make a good decision.”

“But you don’t make good decisions, sweetheart!” His face was overcome with a shade of red as he struggled to contain himself. Both hands on your face now as he begged you to silently stop where this was going. Where it was always going. “You think too much with your damn emotions and it’s going to get yourself killed!”

“Joel - are you scared to lose me?”

No faster than the words spilled from your lips did his entire body shut down. It would’ve been amazing to watch him compartmentalize himself away if it didn’t mean he was doing it towards you.

“I know you are,” you whispered to him. “Let me hear you say it. I wanna hear you-“

Joel crashed his lips down onto yours hard enough your teeth clacked. His tongue ruthlessly demanded entrance to your mouth; stealing the very breath from your lungs. You tried to move closer to get a better hold of him, but found he was keeping you at arms reach. Just as fast as he’d started it, Joel pulled away from you. An apology written in his eyes as he turned and walked away leaving you alone inside the alleyway.

You knew that Joel Miller was dangerous. You knew it in the wary way people moved around him and the way their jaws tightened until they cracked. You knew he was dangerous, and still, you decided to let him kill you long before the spores ever did.

#joel miller x f!reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller #the last of us hbo #the last of us #tlou #joel miller x you #pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #the last of us hbo series

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