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laundrybiscuits · 1 year

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(young man what do you wanna be tag)

“Why won’t you pretend to date me?”

“Jesus fucking—holy goddamn taint-biting hell, Harrington.” Eddie clutches at his chest, trying to recover from a minor cardiac event caused by opening his bedroom door to find Steve Harrington sitting at his desk. “Why the fuck are you here? How the fuck are you here? Also, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Wow, rude,” says Steve. “Wayne let me in. And Jonathan told me about the, uh, the Will plan. I think Argyle called it Operation Happy Ending? I don’t…I never know how serious he is about that stuff, man. Is he, like…okay?”

“Argyle is an enigma beyond mortal ken,” says Eddie fondly.

“Sure,” says Steve. He sounds doubtful. “Anyway, why won’t you pretend to date me?”

Eddie groans, pitching backwards onto his mattress and scrubbing his palms over his face. “Because that idea sucks! It’s a bad idea! A better question is: why are you letting Jonathan Byers talk you into shit?”

“It sounds like a pretty good idea to me. It’s for Will, right? Jonathan said he needed to, uh, see a healthy model of a same-sex relationship.”

Eddie would bet just about anything that the last part is a direct J. Byers quote.

“First, I’m not lying to a child. It’s deeply unethical, and as you well know, I am a scrupulously moral individual at all times. Second, do you really think it’s prime role model behavior to construct a fake relationship which will inevitably be unveiled as a sham and a farce? The foundations of young Byers’s world will be rocked, marking the beginning of a slow slide into disillusionment and crime. He’ll be serving twenty to life before you know it.”

Steve sighs, big and gusty like Eddie’s being somehow unreasonable. “God, you’re impossible. So just—actually date me, then.”

“Right,” says Eddie. “Obviously. Why didn’t I think of that. What the fuck, Steve.”

“What’s the difference between fake dating and real dating, anyway? We’ll go see a movie or something, get dinner.”

“Am I having a stroke? Okay, first of all, we cannot and will not do any of those things. Crash course on being gay in Hawkins: it sucks, and we will get jumped.”

“I’ll protect you,” says Steve, because he’s an arrogant dumbass with a white-knight streak a mile wide. Eddie likes him so, so much.

“Jesus. No, okay? You can’t fist-fight the entire goddamn world. They will literally, literally murder me. Lit-er-al-ly. This is—it’s a fucking stupid idea. You’re not even gay, what the fuck.”

“Uh, yeah, I’m bisexual.” Steve’s got a mulish look on his face. “So you should date me.”

“What.” Eddie sits up. “Since when? This is new information. Is this information I was supposed to have had previously? Is this information that other people have?” If Jonathan and Argyle knew and didn’t say anything, Eddie is going to murder them to death.

Steve looks away, scratching at his jaw, and doesn’t answer. He doesn’t show when he’s nervous, usually, and it dawns on Eddie that Steve probably doesn’t have a lot of experience coming out of his sporty little closet.

“Ah, hey, I didn’t mean…I’m, uh, proud of you? I support you?” Eddie leans over to pat Steve’s shoulder awkwardly, trying his best to channel Murray but probably landing a little closer to Jonathan Byers.

“So…I can pick you up at six tomorrow?” Steve says.

“Nope, still not happening,” says Eddie, and leaves the room.

———

“I don’t get it. You’re, like, in love with him—” Jonathan ignores Eddie’s indignant squawking. “And he asked you out, and you said no?”

“He wasn’t asking me out for real! It was your bullshit garbage so-called plan, which is continuing to ruin my life. When I said I wouldn’t fake-date him, he just—switched tactics. He’s obviously trying to trick me into being part of this whole fake dating thing.”

“You realize that’s completely insane and makes no sense, right,” says Jonathan.

“I am the Dungeon Master. I see all, and I know all.”

Jonathan squints at him with an undisguised and unwarranted skepticism. “You really gotta stop saying that, man. It does not sound as cool as you think it does.”

“I am extremely cool always. Also, I’m not in love with him. Gross,” Eddie grumbles.

“Don’t be homophobic, dude,” says Argyle peaceably. “Love is never gross in any form.”

“Excuse you, I will be as homophobic as I damn well please. Love is gay and I won’t have it in my house.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re joking but this is making me really uncomfortable,” says Jonathan.

“That’s homophobic, dude,” says Eddie. “Hush up and let the queers talk. I’m not in love with Steve, I’m in love with Argyle and we’re gonna run away and get married.”

Argyle shakes his head, laughing. “Nah, I don’t hang with matrimonial attachments. It’s all a scam by Big Wedding.”

“Wait,” says Jonathan. “Seriously? Like, even if you fell for a girl?”

“If she’s the right lady for me, she won’t need a piece of paper to celebrate love. Love’s gotta live in the heart-house, Jonathan. In the heart-house.” Argyle taps Jonathan’s chest.

“Hear, hear,” says Eddie, who doesn’t have any particular opinions on the matter but would back just about anyone and any position in the entire world against Jonathan Byers at the moment.

#fic: young man what do you wanna be #still choosing chaos with this one #all of the voices here are uhhhh highly questionable in their accuracy #I really am gonna have to look at Jonathan's canon speech patterns at some point bc I have no actual idea what he's supposed to sound like #but that point will not be today #tomorrow's not looking good either

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