#alas. effects of PCOS on Little Guys | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sandificatedman · 2 years

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DESPAIR X READER. DESPAIR X READER PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!

HI OMG THIS TOOK,, LITERAL AGES IT WAS SUCH A BUSY WEEK SDMSND. Also this got SO LONG I'M SORRY-

OK THIS IS JUST GONNA BE A BUNCH OF MISC IDEAS. NO SPECIFIC PLOT OR THOUGHTLINE BC. I COULDN’T NARROW DOWN TO ONE CONCEPT I WANTED TO COVER-

You know she’s gonna be CHIN deep in denial until she’s forced to accept that she’s fallen for you.

She has a self-imposed rule to try to avoid getting attached to mortals. Meddling, sure. She adores meddling in human affairs, but getting attached creates a whole different series of problems.

There’s just,, not a good track record of relations between humans and Endless going well. I like to think she’s maybe 60% more self aware than her siblings SMDSMDNM yknow?

EMPHASIS ON 'TRY'

it's not like she meant for it to happen, for Nightmother's sake! She was just having a little peek at you, and,, you just looked so delicate. And she is meant to observe, isn't she? So what was the harm in observing you a little longer than most!

... Yeah you can see where this is going MSDNMSND One thing lead to another, and before she knew it she could barely focus on her responsibilities without missing your sweet face.

AND SHE FEELS SILLY FOR IT!! She's embarrassed of herself!! What is this nonsense, she isn't her sibling(s)!! Why is she fawning after a mortal, and worse, why does she adore doing it?

SHE DOESN'T CREEP FOR TOO LONG. Mostly because Desire won't let her. Sue them, they want their twin to be happy, and all her yearning is frankly,, a bit pathetic MSDMS

She'd never admit it aloud, but she's,,, a little petrified of making a bad impression? It's not like most mortal's are partial to,,, well,,, her.

IF THE FIRST INTERACTIONS GO WELL???? IF Y'ALL END UP,,,, BECOMING A PROPER THING???

You are almost definitely getting swept up into her realm sorry

JUST FOR A LITTLE BIT AT THE START, WHILE SHE WORKS OUT THE KINKS-

You think she’s taking any chances??

She had to witness her sibling’s various lovers get their lives (and,, bodies) turned inside out in innumerable ways. She knows, herself, that The Endless are far from being invincible.

Respectfully, lovingly, she’s not letting you out of her sight until she’s made it exceptionally clear to all relevant entities (siblings, elder gods, assorted mythical entities) exactly what the consequences will be if they try to harm you.

Thankfully,,, not many people are willing to go toe-to-toe with the literal architect of all Despair. so. that's a bonus MSNDMS

Is this necessarily going to 100% keep you from harm's way? No. Frankly, she could put you in a jar on her shelf, and that still wouldn’t keep you perfectly safe. It’s at least gonna to provide enough reassurance to not,, idk feel the need to Loom over your shoulder 24/7. It's mostly just for peace of mind.

and,, um,,

(don’t worry, she isn’t like her brother (derogatory but loving. Morpheus, go to therapy my love), if at any point you’re genuinely unhappy with your relationship she’ll know before you, and will retract from your life with,, relatively minimal fuss.)

(It’s also VERY possible she’ll leave with you with a boon of some sort, for your trouble, most likely her continued protection and/or exemption from her influence)

YOU’VE BASICALLY GOT YOURSELF A VERY CREEPY GUARDIAN ANGEL NOW HAVE FUNNNN SMDNSMN

Her primary role is as an observer, and she’s absolutely going to utilize this. She checks in on you as often as she can and just,, watches you go about your day-to-day life.

At first you have no idea when she’s got her eyes on you, but as time goes you begin to pick up on the Sensation (™) of her gaze?

It’s not just ‘feeling eyes on your back’, though that is a part of it.

It’s more,, like when you step outside early in the morning, and it’s super foggy out? Where every breath feels cold and damp, you can feel dew on your skin. It feels like her realm is seeping into wherever you are.

Sometimes you just,, absentmindedly lean your head and bonk your head on the wall, forgetting she is infact not sitting beside you MSNDSMN

At first it felt a little,, uncanny?? But now it’s become super comforting!! Like stepping outside for a breath of fresh air <333

it's,, kinda sweet,,, knowing that this cosmic entity is,, taking time out of her day to just,, keep an eye on you. wow <3333

I've. left out a billion things but this is already so long and rambly. Despair I love you I love you I love you I love you. mouah.

#*leaning against a closet labeled Sinful Thoughts* haha what do you mean 'nsft thoughts about despair' I definitely dont have those #MSNDMSDNMNMDA #GOD <333 DESPAIR I LOOOOVE YOUUUUU #SMDSNMDS SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG MY DISEASES (TM) WERE BEATING ME UP #alas. effects of PCOS on Little Guys #UGHHH DESPAIR BABY <33 I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU #the sandman (netflix)#the sandman #the sandman (comic)#despair of the endless #despair x reader #despair of the endless x reader #MSDSMD WAS ANY OF THIS INTELLIGABLE??? SMDS #or. in character. unsure. I may have taken some liberties. who knows what diseases have infested my mind. MSNDMS #I WILL LITERALLY RAMBLE ABOUT DESPAIRSMOOCHING UNTIL THESE HANDS NO LONGER WORK SO LIKE. GO NUTS IN MY INBOX Y'ALL #WHO KNOWS WHEN I'LL GET TO EM BUT BY GOLLY ILL GET TO EM-#ENNIEWAEZ #THIS WAS MORE. VAGUE STUFF.#if u want specifics or for me to elaborate on some points. i ABSOLUTELY WILL #ANYWAYS ANYWAYS. GOD IM SO SHY TO POST THIS. RUNS AWAY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #POST POST POST BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND A OGUOGUGHHGE-

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elonmuscovy · 5 years

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Cw: body dysphoria, trans/homophobia, brief fatphobia mention, long post.

I've come out to a handful of irl people as trans this week. I still have a smorgasbord of feelings on the matter, though. As such it has been on my mind a lot. As much as I'd like to be a Real Guy, I can't totally divorce myself from my biology with a clear conscience. I don't want to go under the knife unless medically necessary.

In my younger years, I had bad bouts of dysphoria. I was often mad or at least disappointed that I couldn't be a guy. Of course a lot of it I believe was fueled by what I was constantly told people should be like according to their equipment. I remember as a kid, wanting to ID as a guy and my family was very adamant about me not doing that. My aunt would get upset and say "I don't let boys spend the night with me".

Even when I was in kindergarten, I asked an older first grade boy to teach me how to be a boy. (I vaguely even remember him trying to teach me a "boy's" version of hopscotch.) Our Sunday school classes at church were even separated by gender for a time and I was thrilled when a chance came up for us combine.

My desire to "belong" with males has been an ongoing theme in my life, even if it's been subtle. I've always been drawn to guys moreso than females (and the few I was strongly drawn to usually turned out to be queer, too). This was really awkward when all the boys seemed to be in that "ew girls have cooties" stage. That on top of being neurodivergent, I ended up being the class weirdo more often than not. (On a side note, in a couple psychological evaluations and they outright told me that I seem to think more like a male or something to that effect. I forgot the exact details and context but that definitely stood out to me.)

This kinda thing carried on into my teen years on and off. Then there was the onset of puberty... and PCOS. I started losing my hair when I was 16. They diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This was causing my hormones to go all wacky. My body was producing a lot testosterone. I also had other issues that came with this. Gained a lot of weight (which I was frequently tormented for at home. My eating habits were scrutinized further making me miserable.) My cycles were irregular. My voice was also changing.

That made things a little awkward when I joined choir in high school cus I love singing. And yes, I took full advantage of my deepening voice to sing in the tenor section with the guys. It was a validating experience. The director still really wanted me to work on my "girl" voice but it felt so awkward and forced. She backed off when I printed out an article about my disorder and highlighted the parts about voice change and irregular hormones.

In all this time, I never gave serious thought to being a guy. Oh, I thought about it, but I didn't feel like I would ever be in a position to actually do anything about it. It wouldn't have been received well at all at home. My entire family (save for a few people) is quite vocal about their homophobia. I was there for a while too, though.

But one thing that I realized more as I got older that sorta helped me cope, is that no matter what kinda equipment I have, I can still be myself. Ones identity shouldn't be so deeply rooted in gender. This especially held true when I gradually gained more sense of control over my identity as an adult. I get "Chris" on my name tags. I haven't worn a dress since 2011. I finally mustered the courage to get my hair cut short in 2018. I also realized that a big part of what exasperated my dysphoria was also me internalizing people's shitty ideas about gender.

I've come to terms with the fact I'll never quite be the guy I'd like to have been. I have a functioning body and as I mentioned before, I don't want to undergo any surgeries unless medically necessary.

I have learned more about gender and I feel that non-binary and transmasculine are good descriptors for me. (As such, I also id as gay or mlm). In a way, I wish I could simply tick "male" but like I mentioned before, I can't completely separate myself from my biology. I can't speak for anyone else but for me, that is a big factor. My body is still very female presenting. I'm very short and I have large hips/thighs that give me away. (Wish I could wear men's pants comfortably but alas...). I fully intend on getting a binder too. I wish I had been built more like a truck than a clown car.

But at the end of the day, I'm me and gender is (and really should be considered) just one of many attributes one possesses. That's why I don't want to be picky about pronouns. Sure, it feels kinda nice to be called something other than "she" but at the same time, I don't think it should really be a huge deal to me.

#do not reblog please #cw: long post #cw: transphobia #cw: dysphoria #my coming out story #i guess haha

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