If even at my best recently the best idea is to just hurt myself so bad I have to get help regardless of consequences. If I die, I die, if not then maybe I'll have at least got back on meds like I was supposed to months ago. If I can at least get that, and not be how I am now for most of every day that would be something. If I need help and asking for it isn't enough and having tried several times recently with people knowing about it isn't enough then I just have to do worse and worse until it's importable to ignore. And I hate this, I get how this sounds, but what other choice is there? I have nothing to help manage this currently. All I had was later tonight, and once that goes there's nothing to think about making it to, not that it was worth going this long.