#AENWRITES | 2

A letter to someone I feel resentful towards

Two years ago, I made a list. This list consists of names of people whom I wanted to dedicate a specific letter to. Back then, I was sure of which and who I should write the letters for, or so I thought.

Although I know at the back of my head that those people won't remain in their respective brackets, at least by then I was confident that they're someone I could consider a constant. But then again, things didn't go as planned nor how I imagined it would be… Now, ironically, I am writing this letter for these people who I once thought were good for me, my life, and my welfare—little did I know that they will be the ones who'll inflict worse to an already existing trauma.

So, here's to these people, who I must not name...

A few steps back when I met these people, they are someone I genuinely admire and look up to for certain reasons. And with all honesty I had a hard time getting a hold of them, however I knew that the issue was myself. I wasn't a people person, after all I wouldn't have been diagnosed to have social anxiety if I was, right? And by that, it's given that oftentimes there are evident difficulties in me whenever I meet new people. Not that I don't like them, but the idea of mingling with new faces and having an internal battle with myself of feeling unwanted—all at once—is taxing. If you have ever felt that, you'll get me, for sure.

I got by even so, I managed. To say that I was ecstatic when I met them is an understatement, because I am delighted to finally know and be with them, especially when they're the people of the person I loved. I am aware for some instance that I didn't do great on making them feel nor see that I was, but I am, I really am. By the most I try to make ends meet, I exert massive effort to them, for them, no matter how it comically drains me to the core.

I used to be bothered by the thought of that before, after all I wanted to earn their hearts just as much as I respect them. And as ironic as it sounds, I wanted to please them, because there's this part of me that wanted to be validated by them for reasons that their opinion mattered to the person in relation to them. I guess that's just really how it works when you want to be accepted.

I could say that things have been fun and great while it lasted, besides I should not keep it on the blind side just because things didn't work out. After all, in a matter of those moments I've still learned so much along the path with them and I have considered them dear.

Paradoxically, as much as I don't want to brand these people as someone whom I feel resentful towards, I just can't help it when even after countless times shared with them, they have managed to betray me. Such a strong word to describe them? Maybe, but not actually.

In my defense, I do not resent them just because of a shit of a reason. The time when it all came down to ruins, I was in deep pain and they were perfectly aware of it, up to its tiniest bit. I believed that they respect me, or at least have an ounce of respect for me, but when things were brought out of light—it was utterly disappointing to know that they knew about it but they did nothing to stop what was happening, even though they knew it was wrong.

I was hurt, and I am still hurting.

And this letter, I wanted to write how bad its impact in my life is, even if each word won't really give justice to the pain I've felt and still feeling.

I trusted each of you. I've put my trust in you, even when you're all aware that it was never easy for me to trust anyone, but I still did so, because I value each of you.

Over the past months, I keep on making myself believe that you have your own reasons why you tolerated such bullshit even when it means betraying me. But I am no saint, I am not the nicest person to just let it pass when I am well aware of the damage it caused me.

Because of people like you… I can't find myself trusting anyone again, even myself. And that's a straight punch to my gut, because I let people like you do this to me.

I thought, back then, that years of practicing and trying will make me overcome my fear of getting to know people and trusting will be a step forward through all of you. But no, instead you turned my fear into a crippling nightmare that I still dream of in every passing sleep.

I can't find myself believing words, I can't find myself at peace even at the slightest assurance, because you—all of you, you broke and ruined the foundation of trust I've been long trying to build. And if you think that what you did was right, then I have all the rights to resent you for as long as the pain and damage lives in me.

It took me long to break free, it took me this long to write this—because even the thought of any of you nor a mere mention of your names shatters my heart. Much so, it took me a long time to brave my way to write this even when my heart breaks by every word and every memory I have to relive.

I hope all of you could sleep at night, even when you all know you have destroyed someone. I was happy when I met all of you, but I was beyond glad that you're all out of my life.

Good riddance.

AHHHHH

 SO I JUST DOWNLOADED AENWRITER OK? AND HOLY SWEET SHIT IS IT AMAZING I WROTE ALL OF THIS IN 5 GODDAMNED MINUTES. AND KEEP IN MIND I NORMALLY DREAD WRITING, NOT ANYMORE:

My first thought on zen writer? i think its great! It's a good program and i find i can focus a lot better when i'm using it. the backround music is calming, the backround image is calming, and i'm liking the day/night function(personally, i like night) i always dreaded writing because i'm a lazy bastard. But  zenwriter makes it easy and relaxing to write. I think if i got the full version, i'd start to write a lot more. The typing sounds are also really nice! i can already start to feel myself relaxing! i found this off of tumblr from sombody. My tumblr blog(one of 3) recently hit 100 followers! i couldn't believe it at first. i'd have to say the people that i like interacting with the most are geraldmariavio, armortechno, and yesyourbatman, i always appreciate it when someone reblogs my crappy posts. I mainly post about earth being space Australia, lgbt positivity and generally anything i find funny. i seem to attract a wide and varied collection of people to my blog, my other blogs are more-fandom-***kery, a blog where i post most of my fanfom related things, and i'mHungryforsketchhungry, a blog dedicated to one of my favorite tumblr artist @sketchhungry, they post amazing and adorable RWBY art that i(and many others)cant get enough of. I'm following (and am followed by) many writers, like idonthaveanaccent, and amazing space Australia writer, caffinewitchcraft, a writer who isn't active much but is amazing, and geraldmariavio, a good freind of mine and prbably the biggest sonic fan i know, also they write great space stuff. i think i've said enough. for now

#AENWRITES | 1

A letter to my present self.

I feel like I have a lot of things to write down for you but I can’t seem to properly find the words to properly describe and elaborate everything all at once.

You’ve been through a lot. That was the first thing that came to my mind when I thought about you.

If I have to lay down all the things you’ve dealt and come across with I’m certain that it will just be countless for either of us, and it amazes me on how you were able to surpass all those, bravely. Given everything that happened didn’t leave you unscathed, but I know that you know that every scar left in you serves its purpose and lesson.

To call you brave seems to be an understatement to label you out of all the things you’ve gone through. I’m sure it was hard enough to fight the battle alone—much worse, barehanded—but you did it! You did it despite all the setbacks, disappointments, and grief.

I’ve seen how much you’ve invalidated and degraded yourself amidst all your outcries to be helped and seen, and until now it impresses me on how you were able to push through even with the littlest of will that you have within you.

You’ve learned. A lot of people may have countlessly told you how brilliant you are, but I know within you that being knowledgeably smart isn’t enough to settle in life.

Back then you’ve lived your life underestimating things thinking that you already know better than what’s laid in front of you. You simply never run out of ideas and contingency whenever things go wrong, because that’s you—you always wanted everything to go along the way you’ve made.

You want everything to always be perfect.

As time goes by you’ve got to see how life moves in various directions. You saw the things you’ve plotted for how long to only be flown out right in front of you leaving you without anything to back up your methods. I saw how you slowly shatter into pieces as you finally understand that not everything will be as perfect as you planned it out to be.

You have comprehended in time that you’ll be needing to continuously learn along the path you’ve taken; and that the knowledge you have right now was not enough to survive the life you’re living in.

And by then, you recognized how important it is to constantly learn in life.

You’ve changed. To change was by far one of the things you’re always afraid of, it scares you that any differences that you may make will be just for the worse and there is no guarantee whether it is for the better.

Even so, every version of you that I have seen along the way only proved how you transitioned to always being the best. Each and every version of you is unique and it varies on the situation you are in.

I saw how you’ve thought things through and how you realized your own lacking and shortcomings for you to make amends not just with yourself but to everyone you know you’ve done wrong. Over time I’ve seen how courageous and selfless you are to continuously adapt and learn to make yourself better.

How great it is to see you conquering your fear of change for yourself, and I hope that in time you’ll see that every difference you have made in your life was the one to lead you to your best.

You’ve grown. In the process of seeing you have your setbacks and breakthroughs, to see you unceasingly adapting and gaining in life, and to watch how you overcome your worries of change. . . I couldn’t be more proud of how much you’ve grown.

To have you grasp on the things life throws at you, and see how much of a great deal of change that you have within you to see things beyond its measure. And subsequently, you managed to be more perceptive to see the light amidst the impediments you encounter.

I applaud your growth, and I hope to see you growing to be more than just a fine lady that you are right now.

Thank you, Allen.

Thank you for giving me this opportunity to stand still—and for the courage you’ve left in me to keep on going. You’re brave enough, and I know that you’ll still be braver. . .and braver.