I finished a chapter and got so happy and felt so good, then I ruined it by being all "nobody reads or cares about your crap but you", "well you write for a rare pair. Not exactly many people hankering for the content you serve. It's your own fault.", "maybe if I wrote DM stuff things would be different."

STOP.

STOP DOING THAT. YOU LOVE WHAT YOU DO. YOU LOVE TO WRITE. YOU LOVE YOUR SILLY LITTLE CARD GAME SCHOOL KIDS MORE THAN MOST THINGS IN YOUR LIFE. YOU DON’T NEED CONSTANT VALIDATION TO PROVE WHAT YOU DO IS WORTH THE TIME AND EFFORT BECAUSE IT MEANS SOMETHING TO YOU AND THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH. YOU'RE NOT A TERRIBLE WRITER BECAUSE YOU GET LOW ENGAGEMENT YOU JUST WRITE SUPER NICHE SHIT THAT, SHOCKER, IS ACTUALLY GOOD JUST AGAIN, VERY NICHE. AND THAT'S OKAY.

YOU'RE FINE. YOU'RE NOT A BAD WRITER. YOU ARE NOT VALUED BY ARBITRARY NUMBERS. DON'T DESTROY ONE OF THE FEW JOYS YOU HAVE LEFT OVER THINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE AND DON'T MATTER.

I'M BEING AGRESSIVE BUT IT'S BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, ME. THAT'S THE HARDEST THING FOR ME TO SAY BUT DAMMIT SOMETIMES I ACTUALLY DO.

I have to learn that I'm allowed to do things to make myself happy.

I'm allowed to be happy.

Or at least I'm allowed to try.

I honestly wish my birthday wasn't in 2 weeks. I always get really depressed around my birthday.

posting this WIP to force myself to make it good through the fear of allowing it to turn out subpar now that it’s been seen.

I really hate when I'm trying to work on things and all I can do is second guess if anything I've ever written is even any good or not.

I hate it I hate it I hate it.

No one outside of my family has ever said that they loved me in real life to my face before. I've never heard the actual words spoken in reference to me by another human being not related to me before.

That really hurts.

It's astounding how one thing can ruin your entire day and destroy your entire emotional state.

I've always been the person who, without fail, when I speak, the conversation stops or everyone changes subjects. Because nobody cares what I have to say, and the last thing they want is to hear it. I'm used to it by now, but it still hurts.

I think I've lost all of my desire to do anything at all and I don't know how to get it back.

I can't sleep, I don't eat, and if I do it's snacks or the same like 3 meals alternating. I have to fight myself to drink water sometimes, or brush my teeth or get out of bed and I hate showering. I can't play video games anymore, I don't have a desire to listen to any music anymore, I can't watch shows or movies anymore, and I can't even draw or write anymore.

I've been trying to finally start Chazzerella this week and I'm still slogging through the storybook opening because I just can't find the words.

I can't even bring myself to look at jobs half the time anymore and I actually need to do that. I *have* to get a job because I have both no money and student loans to pay. But even that feels like a pointless waste of time.

I feel like I'm broken. Something broke inside of me and I don't know how to fix it and now I can't even function anymore.

Self care is sitting on your bed wearing the cowboy hat you bought to wear to the eras tour and no thoughts just vibes.

Today hasn't even been a bad day. It's actually been a pretty decent day all things considered. I even made myself take a shower this morning and it was really nice. But I'm just so low today. I just feel tired and kinda sad and inadequate and just awful.

I even posted a new chapter today which is super exciting and I love this chapter and this silly little fic it makes me so happy but I can’t even enjoy it I just feel so down and I'm so just numb if I let myself have a moment to just sit and breathe. My head hurts, and my mind feels heavy like I need to sleep but I'm not sleepy tired.

I'm just devolving slowly throughout the day and I hate it.

When Noah Kahan said "someday I'm gonna be somebody people want" I really felt that.

I go through a long and intense period of thinking that everybody hates me and that I don't deserve love or friendship about every 3-4 hours probably.

As someone who's never had that experience before, I'd really love to actually go on a date at least once in my life.

I was gonna try and write today but then I remembered FF16 came out today and even though I don't have the ability to play it right now, my favorite FF youtuber is streaming it so I'm watching that instead lolol

I've never felt so much like the failure and disappointment of my family and just a waste of a human being as I do right now.