My Favorite Buckingham-James Letter of All Time

October 1624

I shall make you wonder at a resolution I have taken never to enquire more after your health. You can bear me witness, that I have never given credit to those that undertake to have the Philosophers' Stone, especially when they become takers themselves, as my devil hath now proved himself. If he blow as profitably with all the world besides as he hath done with me, he will have little need of the Philosophers' Stone; yet if all be true he hath assured to me, I shall think my four hundred pounds well bestowed. I confess so long as he concealed the means he wrought by, I despised all he said; but when he told me that which he hath given your sovereignship to preserve you from all sickness ever hereafter was extracted out of a turd, I admired the fellow, and for these reasons: that being a stranger to you, yet he had found out the kind you are come of, and your natural affections and appetite, and so, like a skilful man, hath given you natural physic, which is the only means to preserve the radical humour. And thus I conclude: my sow is healthful, and my devils lucky, myself is happy, and needs no more than your blessing, which is my true Philosophers' Stone, upon which I build as on a rock. Your majesty's most humble slave and dog, Steenie.

Modern spelling by David M. Bergeron, in King James and Letters of Homoerotic Desire